On a roll and doing it for me

I have been focussed again today and still tracking it is great

Exercise is done for the day. Walked the 3.8 km in 45 minutes and it was up and down hills with the kids racing up in front of me.

Was going to go to the gym but decided that I had 3 days in a row at the gym and I should do something else.

I am going to get to 99.9 kilos by the end of the year.

I am tracking

I am exercising

I am reading heaps of forums and meeting lots of people to get me focussed. I am going to do this... and I have to keep repeating that to myself and I have to know that I can do this for me and that no one can do it for me but me.

Plan for tomorrow for my food and for my exercise is already sorted so I know what I am going to eat and how many points it is and my exercise tomorrow is a walk at 7.30 am around the block and then go to the gym for 45 minutes and home. Woohoooo. Going to take the boys to the movies tomorrow.

While I was at work today Jeremy's brother phoned and was talking with Corbin and said to him that he was coming over tomorrow. Mum phoned me to tell me but said that Corbin didn't pass the phone over for her to say that I was busy. I said to mum he probably wanted something out of me because that doesn't normally happen.

So I phoned Jeremy to tell him to phone his bro and tell him I wasn't going to be around tomorrow.. I am not having my day off doing something for him when he neglects his nephews.

So anyway he phoned his brother and asked why he phoned and apparently NOW GET THIS that he wants to come over and give me my birthday present... OK so any of you know when my birthday is.... SEPTEMBER 9th. Why? Why would he worry about getting me a present that was 4 months ago TODAY... Jeremy seems to think that they picked up my pissed off attitude (about the kids not getting a present not me not getting a present)..

For Fuck Sake.. I don't want a birthday present... I would rather they spent money on my boys than me... a bloody $2 Christmas present each would have been enough and Quinn to actually have his uncle buy him a birthday present (because he brought one for Corbin and not him)... I am not happy about this... I don't want a present... I want respect for my kids because I don't have brothers or sisters and he is the only uncle they will ever have.... man I am fuming about that.

Don't think that he should come over until I am cooled off because I don't want this... I want to tell him straight to his face that he is an arse and doesn't fucken think.... and that the only time he comes over is when he wants something.... or us to do something.

First day of 2008

Ok... everyone seems sooo positive at the moment.. it is great.

I wanted to be positive this morning but I am sick in my tummy... not sure if it is my ulcer back again or not... or it is all the crap in the last week I have been eating.

I didn't even drink myself to a stupour or anything... I had 2 drinks and that was it and I am feeling like I have a hangover and I want to throw up. I get the feeling it is because I have not been eating right.

Today we have taken down the Xmas decorations and sat in the sun for 20 minutes and I have started some crafty things he he he... OMG I am getting right in to my craft room at the moment it is like my hide away.

Doodling

Paget seems better today but we still haven't received the results from the Vet yet so who knows what is going to happen. He is cuddling up with us and being a little bit more normal than he was a day a go so I will keep you all posted.

So I have been using my drawing tablet to do some tutuing in the last day... been really busy or I would have done more... he he he so here it is. It is hard to get used to drawing on the side and it turning up on the screen instead of where I am drawing.So today we got up and said to ourselves that we have to get back in to it. I did take a sneaky peak at the scales because I know I have gained but didn't know how much... and it wasn't as bad as I thought but it wasn't good either but that is fine as long as Saturday is the start of my tracking and gettting back in to it.

So we got us (as I was saying he he he) and we went to the gym and I ran my big backside off on the treadmill and also did the rower and sit ups and arms... felt good at the time but feeling buggered now he he he. We are also going tomorrow morning as well... gotta do this!! Want to be my hubby's weight by at least my birthday and he is 103 kilos... (assuming I will be around 119.9 he he kilos) then I have about 17 kilos to go.... that is 500 grams a week I have to lose to get there... that is doable... if I stick to the plan and track..

So by Xmas next year I will be under 100 kilos... it has to happen.

Love ya all

OHHHH and finished my MIL clock so will take some photos and post it... sooo much fun being creative.. Also started my Art Journal too... it is sooo way out and isn't pretty but it feels great.

Chubbymum

9802

So little time....

Wearing another one of Rachels tops today he he he snigger snigger.. feeling quite sexy.

Only 4 weeks to go till Xmas.. OMG does anyone else feel that the year has gone too fast.

Work is going to be bore bore boring today.. one of the creches Directors is away and so I haven't got their work to do grrrrr so that pisses me off... so the day is going to be slow. Think I might do some digital scrapbooking from work he he he... what is a girl to do huh.

Been a bit overwelmed in the last week... there are so many creative things I want to do and when I go to think about doing it I get interrupted by kids or mum and I just wanna be left alone to do it... I suppose that is what happens when you have a family.

I have so many great ideas for Xmas cards and Scrap pages but then I go to do them and I get this... OMG they are not good enough feeling and then all my creative juices just go away... it is the weirdest thing. I suppose it is because I am a Virgo and I am very much a perfectionist... and I think that goes in to the weight loss part of me too... that if I am not perfect then I tend to go on the back burner until my mind says you are doing well... hmmmm I know it makes sense in my mind but reading it... doesn't make sense he he he sigh.

Quinn's class is doing swimming lessons all this week so I have had to leave work early in the morning to take them to school by 8.30 instead of 9am because of their bus leaving for the pools early.. and OMG on the first day he left his swimming stuff on the floor of the garage.. I could have strangled him as I had to go back for it and was a couple of minutes late... teacher was not impressed grrrrr...

On the weightloss front... last week I got my monthly grrr so had a gain last week but I think I am back on track for going down in the scales.. won't be a big loss as I only just finished my monthly yesterday but still going down. I am still tracking and not always making the best choices but I am not doing too bad with keeping within my points so I am happy with that... and the tracking is the main thing aye because it makes you aware of what is going in the mouth.

I have cut down with my V's soooo much you wouldn't believe. I was having 1 a day and now I had first week with 1 in that week and the next week with 2 in the week after... and to be honest I am not enjoying them as much as I used to... so that is a bonus change for me. Saving me a lot of money too he he he.

Water isn't a problem like it used to be... I used to hate water with a passion but haven't minded it in the last three weeks so that is good too.

Been sooo busy with the kids and mums things lately... that I am started to feel like I am just a taxi for everyone...

Milo Soccer, Roller Skating dates, Swimming, Keas (scouts), Keas sleepover, Bingo for mum three nights a week... and not much time for me to do things without having someone there... sometimes I would just like a day that I don't have hubby, kids or mum around.. but I suppose that will never happen.

Corbin was given a form last week as he has had a music aptitude (spelling?) test done and that they want him to learn an instrument. Apparently only a couple of kids a year out of the school have the chance and they get tutors in (it costs the parents of course) $12.50 a half an hour OMG I know it doesn't sound like much but that adds up if they do it every week... but anyway he is allowed to either learn, drums, saxophone, trumpet, clarinet, or flute.. now he said he wanted to learn the saxophone and if he can't then the flute... wellllll I put my foot down on the flute.

If you all don't know already I used to teach the flute and have played at the Tokyo Expo with my flute and travelled playing around NZ and Australia..... and one thing I know is that boys playing the flute get teased as if they were gay... yes I know there is nothing wrong with being gay but with red hair, glasses I am not going to add anything else that can make his life a living hell in intermediate or high school.... I said to him in a nice way that I would prefer if he went for the saxophone or clarinet or drums and that way we can play in a duet together as two flutes aren't as nice... so that has satisfied him at the moment...

So how cool that my son is following in my footsteps with music... it is such a treasure I just can't explain. Mind you his singing is fabulous too... so we might have a fight on our hands together trying to beat each other later on he he he he (we both love sing star).

Anyway I have rambled on enough today... feeling quite glad that I have weeded out my list now to people I know and trust... thank you.

UPDATE:

I have been re-reading through my blog to get some inspiration because I don't want to fall in to not getting this weight off and I found the following link OMG it has made me really take a look at things aye.. I don't wanna go back to this. It just isn't something I want to let happen again.

Chubbymum

9027

Walkies

Got off my lazy backside and went for a walk in my morning tea this morning.

I did the block in 20 minutes last week and this morning I did it in 15 minutes woohoooooo. Got my mp3 player on and I pounded the pavement... I swear people thought I was nuts as I started singing too.. he he he

Gotta get back on track or this depression of mine is going to go further and further under.

Back as work as you can tell and only 1 person (out of 38) asked where I was yesterday... I know I don't really work for the one creche that I am in and that I belong to Auckland but GEESH you would think they would notice when I am not here... I always ask people how they are or why were they away... ok... stop thinking like that CM but GEESH!!!!!

Anyway... also planned for to go to the gym tonight with hubby too....

Just got back from the gym... feeling great but OMG OMG OMG Buggered!!!!

15 minutes on the treadmill and I did (in the middle of it) 1 minute run 1 minute walk OMG I felt great... usually I find the at the 45 second mark I get soooo tired and gritt my teeth and want it to hurry up he he he but today I didn't feel like that at the minute mark... so next time I am going to try and do 1 minute and 30 seconds running and a 1 minute walk.. we shall see how it goes.

Did my triceps, biceps, pecs, quads and butt soooo feeling bugggerrrrreeedddd

Woohooooo!!!!!

Chubbymum

Tracking Day One - Week One

Updating..

Why have I sunk in to not updating. I know people read my blog but then when I start not blogging I also know that I am not blogging because I am not doing well in the weight loss. I hopped on the scales yesterday and it was up to 121.6 kilos and that just sucks. I am angry at myself for letting this get out of hand. The day before the party in PN and since then I have not cared... I have not wanted to track and not cared but it has to change.

I have been trying to find something to get me motivated again and something that I can aim for. If anyone has any suggestions please tell me. I am not a materialistic person in the fact that I have everything I need so I can't work out what I can work towards.

I am even having trouble trying to tell my family what I want for my birthday as I don't want or need for anything at the moment... Plus only working part time I can't afford too much anyway so there is nothing monetary I can give myself.

I so want to be under 100 but I can't find that motivation to get there. I have lost 40 kilos since the heaviest of my weight (not weight watchers weight my doctors weight) and I have gotten to the stage that I feel like I have tried everything.

I want to be positive and find something to aim for....

Easter next year I am going to Waihi for a holiday with the kids. Maybe that can be something to aim for... Getting in togs and not feeling like a blimp? Going for a surf in the water like I did a year ago and enjoying myself no matter what. Or maybe go jet skiing in the water.. (I don't know how I can get one to be able to use but that could be something...) so if anyone has any ideas please please tell me.

So I have 31 weeks to go till our Easter holiday in Waihi!!!

If I aim at 500 grams a week I can get to 106.6 kilos by 20th March 2008.

Do you think that is too much of a hard job for me to do? keeping in mind that in the past year I have only lost 7 kilos because of all the indecisions and yoyoing?

Ok... so just losing this weight to go to Waihi isn't enough for me to look forward to... hmmm need to think... need to think... any suggestions would be great. I want to lose this weight and I have to have a goal..

When I had a goal to get under the 120's for PN I did it so maybe this is what I am lacking...

So I have to lose 15 kilos... I can do this right? Or am I setting myself up for failure... or am I just thinking that I can't and so it isn't?

So I have started off well.. I am tracking and I am thinking about what I am putting in my mouth. I haven't had any coffee today either or a V... I am going to try and make sure that I don't for this week...

Tracking and no coffee.. how hard can that be?


Breakfast
3 Weetbix
Milk

Morning Tea
Mandarin
Banana

Lunch
2 Sandwich Bread
Roast Pork
Mandarin
Nectarine

Afternoon Tea
Nectarine

Dinner
Chicken
Mushroom
Fetticine
(homemade)
Peas
Carrots

Got back on board!! I went to the gym and got a programme booked because I haven't had one in a while.

Went to the gym and I did:
Treadmill
Cross Trainer
Biceps
Triceps
Water Bike

Felt great!!
Felt great!!

Kilo be away with you

Today has been a good day.

I refused, cake, muffin and quiche and OMG a V... went to my weekly afternoon tea with friends and I did well in saying no to all the yummy treats.

Breakfast

3 Weetbix

Milk

1 tsp sugar

Morning tea

Pretzels (small handful)

Lunch

4 CruskitsTuna (tomatoe and basil)

Cottage Cheese

Tomatoe

Avocado

Pepper

hmmmmmmm

Afternoon Tea

Mocha Frappe (with water no milk and no cream)Peach

Dinner

Chicken

Couscous

Beans

Carrots

Cauliflour

I have this kilo to get off before next week and I AM GOING TO DO THIS....

Felicity you are on!!

I am feeling so positive about it this week.... It is very hard for me to lose more than 500 grams a week but this week it feels right.

I don't have other things like my business to concentrate on and it will happen.

Spent the morning taking Quinn to the doctor as he had one of those ingrown boil thingy (like you had Janene) on his elbow (Corbin had it on his knee last month and I had it on my leg the month before grrr). The doctor said that when you have dry skin it doesn't help either because where the cracks are they get dry and then it can get infected and it is contagious... so we have this special cream so we can stop the cracks in our elbows etc (Luckily it has been months since I have had one but they are nasty B's). So he got antibiotics for that.

I also had to see her about a couple of things for me too and I had my blood pressure taken OMG she did it twice with an electronic one and it wouldn't read so by the third one I was imagining that it was up... when I was bigger it was usually really bad at 160 over 90 but today (even after three times) it was 145/80 so I was really happy with the change. Still not good but better than it was before.

She also took my weight and her scales said 122 (grrr told her I wasn't happy with her scales) but mind you her scales said I weighed 160.4 when I first started this journey yet the WW scales said 154.7. It is a great loss though from her scales as they said a 38.3 kilo loss wohooo me. But I have only lost 34 kilos as far as I am concerned so it put me on a little bit of a high.

Hubby sat at his laptop last night for 2 hours and afterwards printed out a list of things I am to eat this week... so it will be interesting how this week goes with the food list. He wrote what is for breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. So as you can see by the food above that is what he has told me that I am eating and I must say I have not felt hungry at all and by the end of dinner I am as full as a pig he he he.

Hubby gone out tonight to a school thing for our youngest where the teacher is explaining the school interenet and how to get in to the class forum and pages... and they are talking about wiki's ???? and then he is off to Trivial Pursuit with his friends to win more bar tabs he he he so I am going to put the boys to bed and do some digital scrapbook pages... I miss creating just normal things and not to sell... it is a great week for relaxing and doing what I want.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow... really not knowing what I want done.... thinking maybe I will just get a trim as I need it. I asked hubby if he thought I should get it cut short again and he said that he likes it this length but wouldn't want it shorter at the moment... so hey I think I might go with that at the moment until it bothers me anyway.

I brought the Harry Potter book today.... I haven't read the Half-blood Prince yet and I am half way through that at the moment. We have the 4 dvd's and when the next one comes out I will get it. I do like watching them and the boys and I have watched them heaps of times so it isn't like we wouldn't. The books are just getting bigger and bigger that it take forever to read for people like me who are slower at reading.

I can't wait to hit the teens... it is soooo close that I can taste it! I know I have been saying it for months but I just want to get there. I have been getting so many compliments lately about how great I am looking and I want to say... I have not lost anything in ages... it has only been 1 kilo in 6 weeks but apparently hubby said that my shape has changed so hey I will take it aye.

Ok... so off to do some digital scrapbooking

Love Chubbymum

Tracking - Tuesday 12 June 2007

Tracking
12 June 2007

Breakfast

2 Wheatmeal bread (sandwich bread)

1 piece bacon

Morning tea

800ml water

Coffee, milk, 1 sugar

10 Rice Crackers

Lunch

Afternoon Tea

Dinner

Went for a walk at morning tea too and did about 1,200 steps and was pleased with that.

So far at 11.30am I have done 3,134 steps and feeling like I am getting back to it.

Steps Total today is:

Letting it all out!!

Wanna you are toooo funny!!! I had just got on the computer and thinking about updating when the email came in with your comment... he he he LOVE YA!!!

Anyway.... came in to work today and since I have been avoiding going to the doctor I made an appointment. I found a lump under my arm and was quite worried about it... and so in the last week my weight loss and everything else has been put on the back burner because as you know I always think the worst aye!!!

Anyway so went this morning... just left a note on my desk at work saying... gone to doctor don't know if I will be back. But I came back he he he.

Had my armpit inspected and I have a gland up and also one of the folicals got infected EWWWW I can hear you all say but it was pretty damn scary to me that is for sure. I have had a cancer scare before and with my Dad and all his cancer problems before he died I was fretting but hey the fretting was for nothing ... and now I have antibiotics for a fortnight because she said she wants to eliminate it totally wooohoooooooo.

I shouldn't keep to myself when things like that happen but it is instinct that I do I think.

I had a sneak preview on the scales this morning thinking that it will be up because of all my stressing etc but it is the same... so ya never know I might loose a little bit by weigh in tomorrow or stay the same and happy with that...

GEESH is this getting to be a habit with me happy to stay the same or gain a little... THIS SUCKS big time and I have to get my head in a better space and sort MY SHIT out....

I don't want to give up!! But I do in a way.... sick of trying trying trying ya know. It isn't like I have given up eating healthy food and doing my exercise as I am still doing 4 days a week of exercise and iti s sweating exercise not just a little stroll down the road ya know.

I have to find one book and stick to it. Or one plan and stick to it. I am reading Helena's bible at the moment and I am thinking it makes sooo much sense so I do feel it is great but then I can't get my head out of pointing either and thinking about doing the online WW too... I can't make up my mind. I don't know whether I am wanting to do the online WW because it is familiar or I am too scared to try something different or what really... quite confused about that. I do realise you are all going through the same thing too but sometimes I just want someone to say Oi this is what you are doing and this is what you are going to stick at and you are going to loose an amazing amount of weight!!!!

Life sucks with weight loss like this!!!

Went to my friends place last night (the one that the other half left) and we had a good chat and she had a cry and so did I. My hubby went (it is his friend that was her other half) and he said the most adorable things to her last night that we are there for her and she said she doesn't want to ruin their friendship and that if G said to stop seeing her then he should do it... and my hubby said "well... (he paused) I don't think I would think too much of him if he put me in that situation because I shouldn't have to choose and if he told me I had to then really he isn't a friend is he because I have opinions of my own and the way he is treating his kids goes against all that I believe in" OMG I had tears in my eyes when he said that and she just looked at him and didn't say anything I think she was scared she was going to cry again.

So anyway after we left there the kids were in the back (now remember they are only 5 and 7) and my 7 year old said 'why isn't uncle G living there anymore?"
and I said "why do you ask"
he said "Adam was upset and said that his Dad isn't living at home anymore"
and I said "Uncle G doesn't live there anymore because he doesn't love Aunty P anymore but still loves Adam and Brianna but it is best that he doesn't live there anymore"
He went quiet and said "Brianna was crying and said that boys don't like her anymore and that her dad doesn't either" and my son said he didn't know what to say to her.

I said to him that he needs to show her that not all boys do not like her and that you will be there for her and Adam as a friend and he said "yes that is a good idea mum" I will tell her next time I see her.... my youngest was saying that he didn't like seeing them both cry.

My husband just squeezed my hand and I cried (trying not to let the kids hear me).... so I think if G does come around that my hubby will be telling him what the kids are saying to each other because P has said it to him but he might be thinking that she is causing trouble and trying to make him feel bad ya know... but now that the kids are saying it to our kids we know it isn't her being mean to G.

I don't quite understand how you can love someone so much and then all of a sudden treat them like crap and not tell them why... she doesn't understand because a week beforehand they were hugging and sorting out their future etc but now he is treating her like she has done like something really bad. Why do people do that? She can't move on because she doesn't know what she has done wrong for it to go like this.

He took $1,000 out of their Visa too and I said to her she needs to stop the Visa because he has stopped his wages going in and said to her he is using the Visa to live on... but she is paying for it. He even phoned and got the hotpoints put over to him as well. Then he got mad because she closed the Visa... damn she did the right thing... he can't expect to get something for nothing aye.

Anyway enough of my rambling... it clears my head so that I don't fret about it ya know... and I do need to know that what I am feeling is right and that I am backing up the right person ya know...

Love ya all
Chubbymum

Filthy Mood

I am in the most utterly filthy mood today... I am angry, I am moody, I am pissed off with myself.

I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....

I am fooling myself that I am doing good.

I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.

I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.

I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.

I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.

In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.

Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.

I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...

I track... but I don't care!!!

Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?

Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.

I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...

I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.

YES CRAZY WOMAN TALKING HERE.

Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?

Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!

Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.

I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...

I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.

I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.

I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...

How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.

How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!

Ok I am rambling now.

Bye
CM

UPDATE:

At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.

I am taking on Abba's suggestion..

This week:

1. Drink my water
2. Smaller Portions
3. NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
4. Track on blog (honestly)
5. At least 4 hours of exercise

That is it!!!

I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.

In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.

So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!

I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.

CM

Pressure

Just venting ok... not that I feel I can't do this...

Feeling quite pressured today... I think I am getting more and more nervous about the wedding expo. I want it to be done right and sometimes I can be such a perfectionist that I give up when I feel like I couldn't do it the way I have envisioned it... ya know?

I have to do so much before it as I am not willing to go into the expo and it not be perfect.. but where to start? I mean I have never had a stall.. so I have to organise the following and more:

1. a banner to say what I am trying to sell etc
2. I am going to get some orange material from somewhere as I want my colours to be up there and looking good. (my colours are orange black and white).
3. I am doing some labels on some bottles so that the bottles put a bit of depth into the stall because I have flat invites come on how exciting can you make them.
4. I have been checking out where to get t-shirts printed for me and hubby so that I have the logo and website on them.
5. My friend has the flower shop so she will have flowers on her side.
6. I am going to do a scrapbook on my invites for people to look at and I have to also try and put up some on the walls etc so that people can see the different ways to do their invites.

I am not too sure what else to do or how to display them... so if there are any suggestions out there feel free to help me out he he he

I just want it to be right and it to attract people to have me do their invitations.

Felt really hungry today... I just wanted to eat eat eat.

It was Quinn's first soccer practice today... he was sooo cute in his little outfit. The shorts are way too big because they are the smallest you can get and they were still too big he he my little monkey.

He didn't want to participate that much at the start today because he didn't know any of the kids. After about 15 minutes he was fully in to it and when they had a game he went for the ball and he tried sooo hard... I was sooooo proud of him. Quinn went all out it was fantastic.

I thought I would put some photos on here to show you how cute my little man is (he is only 5). His first game is on Saturday and it is going to be really interesting to watch.

It is interesting how kids think... there was one boy (and his mum said he is an only child and getting him in to soccer is a way to teach him to be a team player) and then just as she said that... they split the team up to play against each other and this boy got REALLY angry when the other team player boy got a goal... he went at him like an animal and tried to scratch him OMG it was the weirdest thing and the funny thing was that the boy that got the goal was a really shy boy and got really upset at being chased around like he was a nasty vermon...

All us parents couldn't believe what we were seeing. The shy boy came running to his mum and the mum that had the child being mean was telling him off and telling him he was in trouble and that he had to apologise (but the little boy wasn't going to) in the end I got them both together to tell them that they were really on the same team etc.. the shy boy didn't want to talk (not suprising actually) but in the end they played at the playground together and it seemed better...

Quite freaky really... I couldn't believe my eyes and I was PROUD that my son was playing well and playing fair... sooooo Proud!!!

Ok... I will go now.

I have my weigh in tomorrow but I don't know if I want to weigh in or not. My WW leaders are away this week and when they get a replacement for them it just isn't the same and it sucks really. ;-(

Food:

Breakfast: Weetbix, Milk and Fejoas
Lunch: 1 potatoe cut in half and stuffed with tuna and onion (stuffed potatoes)
Dinner: Steak, mashed potatoe, carrots, brussel sprouts
Snack: V
Water: 2 Bottles

What a day!!

How beautiful was the weather today here!! OMG it wasn't hot or anything but it was sunny a beautiful and not windy or anything.

Woke up at 9 and had a shower and then just played with my new laptop for an hour and then the hubby, kids and I went to the Lake to walk around and have an icecream and the boys wanted to play at the playground.

I decided to take the camera because it was just beautiful and I wanted to show everyone how lovely it was... So we walked 4km today and I am sooooo happy with that. It wasn't fast but I wasn't on my backside at home watching tv (which is what I wanted to do because I had such a busy day yesterday ya know).

When we got home a little while later and hubby's mum came around and wanted to take us (and my mum) out for afternoon tea so we went out to Woodlands in Gordonton... OOOHHHHH it is soooo pretty out there... I can understand why there are so many weddings at the function centre... the photos would be fantastic there. So we had a coffee and a piece of cake (yes a piece of cake but I don't care because ALL in moderation is what I am trying to do now)

We took so many photos and everyone just had a really good time. The day went so fast and the kids were just playing on the field with soccer balls etc and having fun. It was fantastic!!!!

The boys found a tree stump and climbed on the top and starting dancing with their backsides he he he so I took a photo without them knowing.

Below is my mum... she is 76 this year. I reckon she looks fab for 76.

Food Today:

Breakfast: 2 Toast, left over Macaroni
Lunch: Small tub of icecream (I know that I am eratic about my food but I didn't feel like lunch and I had this after our walk around the lake).
Dinner: Corn and Corned Beef homemade fritters
Water: 1 Bottle (I am slacking totally on the water front grrrr).
Exercise: 4km walk around the lake.

I have been trying my hardest to go with the flow with my food lately. I haven't been totally wonderful with the actual food but I thought for my first week on the challenge I would work out the hunger pang thing and not eat when I don't want to. I think that is why in the weekend I haven't been wanting to have lunch because I have been feeling so full... so I thought well if I don't want food why do I have to eat? Isn't eating supposed to happen so that we can survive and make sure we don't starve? Well that is what I am doing!! This has to work doesn't it... and if it doesn't then next week I can go back to what I was doing before.

I just want to work out what is right for me at the moment.

Love ya everyone
Chubbymum

Woohoooo - I have been SHOPPING!!!!

OMG OMG what a day....

I brought a toy today for my business!!!

A new Laptop!! Woohooo bloody Woohooo.

After talking with my friend on Wednesday it was discussed and the best option was to Lease a laptop... woohoo so I went down to Harvey Normans and I have leased my new laptop for 2 years and if there is anything that goes wrong with the laptop they will replace no problems and if there isn't one the same then they will upgrade it for no extra cost.

So wooohoooo... but I am typing this on my old laptop till I can get everything set up on my laptop. It has a webcam built in on it too he he so I am not too sure what I will use that for but thought maybe once a month I might save a little movie thingy and put it online so I can see the difference in my face etc while losing the rest of my weight... that is if that is what I can do with it because I have never used a web cam before he he...

I mowed the lawns today and did the grocery shopping as well... The whole day was spent doing those two things and of course buying MY NEW COMPUTER he he he.

What is wrong with me. I haven't been naughty but in the last two days I have not been enthused about losing the weight. I think it is because I am concentrating on my Papaya invites business more and not on food and exercise. How do people balance both? I am not too sure... how I am going to concentrate on both grrrr.

Hubby paid for my business website too and so it will be www.papayainvites.co.nz when we design the website that is.

OMG so this feels so real now. I have a business bank account, website, business card and a new laptop OMG OMG and I am going to my first expo too! I think the next thing I have to do is see how much it is for business banners so that I can have one on the expo site or it will look a little bare and I don't want to pay half for the stall and Tania's business get all the look ins ya know.

I have been thinking about how to get people to come to my site at the expo too and thought that maybe I would do a little competition so that I get them filling in forms with their names and addresses and get them to answer a question and then they can win one of my labels for a bottle of wine and I will design a label for one lucky winner... hmmm so what does everyone think about that?

BTW: ChrisH woohooo I am so glad that you are joining the 10 week challenge with us that is fantastic. I am sure that we are all going to do very well.

Food today:

Breakfast: Chicken bacon, Egg, Toast (weekends are nasty for me with big breakfasts)
Lunch: 10 rice crackers, cheese slices (thin)
Dinner: 2 Tuna stuffed potatoes, salad
Snack: V (yes ChrisH I am addicted arrghhh), Bits of hubbies chocolate easter egg (tut tut)
Water: 1 bottle
Exercise: 50 minutes lawn mowing, 2 hour grocery shopping

Love ya all
Chubbymum

Thoughts - and UPDATE!!!

.....................UPDATE BELOW....................

I have been thinking so much in the last week on how I can improve my food and my lifestyle change because I did rely so much on my exercise.

I must admit this year has been a bit of a downer so far because of last years achievements with all the exercise things I did I am feeling quite disoriented this year and that is why I am trying to work out ways to keep me motivated.

I am trying to gage what the feeling is when I am hungry. Because before when I thought I was hungry really I wasn't and it was just because (maybe?) I was bored etc.

So today was my first day at this. For breakfast I had left over chicken with two toast because I was in a hurry and I hate to eat in the car (I know I know people are going to say that isn't good eating in the car but when you start work at 7.30 and have to sort kids etc out then that has to happen) and it only happens some days not everyday.

I thought then I wasn't going to eat anything until I can feel it in my tummy that I needed food and I had this ache in my tummy around 10am and it was like OMG if I don't eat something NOW I would die he he he but in actual fact I knew that I wouldn't die but I don't usually let myself get to that hunger pang stage and was quite scared (if that is the word).

So I had 10 rice crackers to serve the hungry pang and I went for a walk down the road with a workmate (which we are trying to do every Mon, Tue, Wed mornings) so she could get a good coffee and I could see the sunshine (and not be stuck in my little dungeon all day he he he).

It felt good to know that I could feel that hunger pang but get rid of it by eating the right thing and not by just putting food in my mouth because it was morning tea or lunch or afternoon tea etc (which I hate doing by the way...)

I am not much for wanting to eat just because it is time and I have to... I think that is what was doing my head in last year on Joys eating plan because I was being told to do something at a certain time it made me NOT want to do it and also the food was varied enough for me. I find that when I am told to eat something I really don't want it and will try my hardest to rebel (GEESH terrible aren't I?).

So this week I am concentrating on listening to my body.

I am still going to go to Weight Watchers every week... it is a habit that I don't want to break just yet.. I do find that it doesn't feel the same anymore and that maybe because I have heard it all before and realistically I know what they are going to say and I know what I should be doing and I really need more than that... and realistically I can't get more than that because there are too many people.

I was talking to hubby about it because I don't want to waste money and I don't want to pay just for the priviledge to weigh when I can do that at home. For people that have 10 kilos to loose it isn't such a lot of money but I have been doing it for 2 years and it adds up. I know that I can't put a price on my health.. I do realise that. But I haven't been for 3 weeks because of my back and the holidays and I have managed to get myself back on track and back in the right headspace.... so I can do this without WW just that for a little while longer I don't want to do it without WW.

I am going to give it till the end of the 10 weeks and see what happens because right now I am not too sure if I am getting anything out of it. I know this sounds harsh and I know maybe some of you will disagree but I used to look forward to going to WW and I knew at the end of the meeting I could talk to the girls but I can't anymore... I don't feel like I can be free to say what I want because Debbie stands there listening and even when she can see that I don't want her to be there she hovers and I can't talk... I can't talk because... I don't know really.... because I don't want her knowing everything about me... or maybe I feel like she is taking over the one place that I TRULY felt comfortable and happy and I wasn't the FAT person anymore, and she overpowers the meeting now?

Now I feel like a little school girl. I don't mean to sound like that or to be harsh because I know that Debbie has a lot ot lose as well and she is just lonely but sometimes I just want to talk to the WW girls SOOOOO much and losing weight is such a personal thing and I HATE Debbie telling me that I should do this, and I should do that, when I see her eating chocolate and biscuits every morning tea at work it is such a contradiction in my eyes. In front of people at work saying to me I can't wait till you lose a little more so we can wear the same size clothes OMG I just wanted to slap her... I would never NEVER ever make someone feel like that and make others think that ohhh she is smaller than her that is just down right rude. So that was another reason that I didn't want to tell her my weight at Weight Watchers anymore and that if she didn't know then she couldn't treat me like crap. I even thought that I wouldn't tell the group that I had got another 5 kilos or a stone etc because I didn't want her to know.

Hubby seems to think that I am yoyoing in the last couple of weeks because if I reach that 35 kilos then I am going to have to say "I just got another 5 kilo star etc" and then Debbie would know how much I have lost. I have a feeling that hubby was right and in my subconscious I was feeling that. I don't want to sabotage myself!!! I want to lose this weight... I just need to find a way to feel MYSELF that the numbers don't matter and so what if she knows. I am not too sure what I can do about that right now.

So it is Weight Watchers tonight. I hopped on the scales this morning and they said 121.9 (200 grams up from yesterday typical being weigh in day) and this afternoon I reckon it will change again so I have to take what I get at weigh in tonight and if I gain I gain... at least it isn't as bad as it was last week with Easter etc. I mean 124.4 at home (123.6 at WW (2.7 gain in 2 weeks ouch)) and now at home saying 121.9 ... that means 2.5 kilos I have lost in the last week.. I am happy with that and even though my WW booklet won't say it I know I HAVE done really well.

So... I have my challenge starting tomorrow!!! Both Celtic girl and I are doing it and I can't wait to show a loss next Tuesday!!

I have to get to the TEENS... I am tired of saying I want to get to the TEENS and it looks like it is getting further and further away... I HAVE to do it...

So PLEASE if anyone is out there and wants to take up the Challenge... then come and do it with us. It doesn't HAVE to be 500 grams a week it can be a realistic amount for you... just come and join the 10 week challenge. And if you do!! Mention it on your blog and lets get this Challenge/Group Motivation going.

I do feel so motivated this week and I also think that is because a lot of the bloggers are feeling postitive lately too and it is catching. But we are only human and some days or weeks it just isn't the case and that is ok too... but the positiveness is fantastic at the moment.

Anyway will update you on my weigh in tonight.

I am not going to lose (by Weight Watchers scales) but I am a loser!! I am!! and I am proud that I have been good this week.

Food today:

Breakfast: 2 Sandwich Bread, Chicken
Snack: 10 Rice Crackers
Lunch: 2 Vogel bread, Chicken, Lettuce, Pickle
Dinner: Chicken breasts, Peas, Carrots, Cauliflour
Water: 1 bottle so far
( I think it is a Chicken day today.. didn't plan it really to be like that just happened but they are all done a different way so hey!!)

Took my Vitamins for the third day in a row too... I am not good at taking them... good at buying them but I am trying so hard to keep up with taking my Vitamins every morning and I am feeling better for it.

Love Chubbymum

..............UPDATE..............

Ok so my update is good as far as I am concerned... so this is how it goes.

Even though I didn't do an official weigh in last week at WW I weighed at home:

Last week at home: 124.4
Which would have been at WW: 123.6
(Usually 800 grams difference between my scales and WW)

This week at home: 122.3 (at night)
WW Official weigh in: 121.6

So... for me that is in one week
I have lost 2.1 kilos and I am proud!!!!

But..yep there is a but... by WW scales say I gained 700 grams
and I have gained 700 grams
but I still lost this week to get off the weight that I gained
with my back and bloody easter he he he.

I am really proud of myself even though I gained.. I LOST!

Movies

Got up at 8.30am as I was still feeling ikky with the painkillers and I think it drys me out too as I had a splitting headache but I got up and went to the gym by 9am to meet with Joy.

I wasn't allowed to do a lot by what the physio said but hey I wanted to get some exercise. (P.S I know that I could go and do swimming or aqua or something and would love to but even putting undies on is hard and have to have hubby to help so going swimming would be harder getting the togs on and off without pulling a muscle... as it is the bending that is getting me).

Anyway so I went to my PT and Joy had me on the treadmill but I think I wasn't warmed up enough for it as it was hurting a little. So she got me on the water bike with my arms for 10 minutes and that was good as I didn't feel like it was hurting and when she was chatting to me at the same time I sort of forgot that I was sore it was wonderful. After that we went and did some weights with my legs and that was fantastic as I could use my legs without it hurting my back and my calf muscle was a little tight but we stretched them and things were on a roll.

I didn't feel like I was sweating like I usually do but at least I was doing something.

It was Joy's last day at the gym (but she wasn't telling them until 5pm that she wasn't coming back) so she was pretty nervous about it all but she was also excited as she has been getting her garage all set up with gym stuff. I am looking forward to it but then scared too because I know the gym so well and feel comfortable there.

Came home got a shower ready for hubby to come home at 12 so that we could all go out for lunch and then the movies for school holidays.

We went to have lunch in town.. I had chicken kebab, the boys had subway and hubby had chinese... I reckon I chose wisely and it was yummy too.

The movie we went to see was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and it was ok but Quinn was being a right little nightmare and couldn't keep still. I have totally different children... Corbin is easy going and can sit and watch a movie or read a book and generally keep still where as Quinn has like HUGE termites in his pants and cannot keep still longer than 5 minutes and he drives me insane with that... he has to constantly have someone playing with him or talking to him and it drives me insane because you could play with him all day and he still won't let you have 5 minutes peace.

The movie was good but I wouldn't take Quinn again as it went over his head.

While we were out mum cooked a nice roast beef meal for us and we had that while she was at bingo.... it was a nice night when the boys went to bed as hubby and I read books and basically just chilled. I have so many books and magazines that I need to catch up with that it was nice just to chill.

I think I am back on track again???? I really do want to lose this weight but with not exercising I just haven't been able to get my head around how I do it and still enjoy my food...

Food today:

Breakfast: 2 Sandwich Bread toasted, Jam
Lunch: Chicken Kebab and Falafel, V
Dinner: Roast Beef, Kumera, Carrot, Pumpkin, Peas

Lovely Lyn

I forgot to put the beautiful photo

of Lovely Lyn up yesterday!!!

What was wrong with me GEESH...

My coffee with Lyn was great and here we are...

both of us making sure that Tania took the photo

from the right spot upwards he he he what a laugh.

Went to the physio tonight and he is convinced it is my back for sure and not the calf and hamstring being the main culprit. Hubby got off work early and took me because driving home today I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the wheel... GEESH. Why are physio's sooooo painful OMG hubby said that he had his elbow into my back I was in so much pain and he just kept going it was horrible. But I feel a little better since though so that is great.

Saw Joy afterwards and she said that there has been so many people coming up to her asking why they haven't seen me around the gym in the last couple of weeks and also a couple of people asking why the lovely couple weren't at the kickboxing classes anymore he he he so we were missed.

Joy is finishing this Friday at the gym and the guy doesn't know it... she is on contract till then and has started setting up a gym in her garage and is going to do personal training from home and starting the Lean group over there as well. So our night time Lean is going to start soon afterwards OMG I cannot wait because I need it!! I need to get back in to a group and a new group will be good for me. Daniel isn't going to leave the gym and go with her to her business so I am soooo happy with that because I enjoy just Joy as the trainer.

I have tried today to be good with my food and have decided to put my food down at the bottom like Sue and Leenie are doing and maybe it will keep me on track. I haven't eaten too much today but that is because these tablets are making me feel quite sick to the stomach so food isn't on my mind at all.

I have been thinking about the books that Leenie has been reading (her bible as she calls it) and I put a reservation on one of them at the Library so I can't wait till I get that. I have been also been raiding the internet about the author as well to find out more information.

I have also added something new to my Papaya business as I was asked to do a wine label for a 21st for a lady at work's daughter and she loved the designs I did and showed others at work and now I have 4 orders OMG that was the easiest way to make a little bit of money ever he he he so I am going to put them as part of Papapya too... it was sooo much fun.

Food today:

Breakfast: Weetbix and milk
Lunch: Ham and Egg sandwich
Dinner: Fish (on George Forman) Salad
Snack: Plums
Water: 2 Bottles

My weigh in tonight... nervous

Mar 27, 2007 at 2:29 PM

Nervous about weigh in tonight.

But think I did ok..

We shall see

It will be late updating as I am going out to dinner straight afterwards with friends that are over here from Melbourne woohooo

Chubbymum

UPDATE
DRUM ROLL PLEASE OMG OMG I lost 1.5 kilos WOHOOOOOOOOOOOO as you know I don't ever lose that amount EVER EVER EVER.... it is usually 800 or less so WOHOOOOOOOOOOO.

I was so happy.

So I have 1.2 to get to 35 kilos and 900 grams to get to the TEENS and I am going to do this!! I have to as I am getting sick to death of yoyoing.... AND IT IS MY OWN FAULT no one else to blame but me.

I tracked this week like you wouldn't believe. I have been tracking since January every single day but I haven't been totally focused on the points ya know... still putting everything down just not worrying if I go over or under and I think that was the mistake.

I am soooo happy and feel really good that I am finally feeling like I am on track.
Love ya all
Chubbymum

Comments

Celtic Girl wrote:
Mar 27, 2007 at 3:21 PM
Good luck with your weigh in and remember what happens,happens, you can't change the past only the future.

Kateypie wrote:
Mar 28, 2007 at 8:33 AM
Well done! You must feel great :-)

Anne wrote:
Mar 28, 2007 at 9:22 AM
Well done - you've worked hard for that!

Tracy wrote:
Mar 28, 2007 at 2:48 PM
Fantastic loss!!!!!!!! Roll on the teens. Congratulations :-)

Chris H wrote:
Mar 28, 2007 at 6:24 PM
WOOO HOOO way to go, you rock girl! Roll on the teens1

On top of the world

I am feeling so positive today.

Got up at 5.30am to go to Lean with Crusher and the others and was worried that Debbie wasn't going to make it as she was quite late this morning. We went for a walk to the dreaded River Road hill and went up and down it 5 times with slow from one pole to another and slow up and fast down and fast up and slow down and it wasn't too bad.

Debbie and I have been quite bored with just going walking and going up hills that today we said that if we were walking again then we wouldn't go back to LEAN till after xmas because if not we are going to end up hating going and we didn't want to do that.

So when we started walking Debbie and I looked at each other... it isn't that we don't like Lean and we don't like the people we are doing it with but it feels like we are at the back and the others are way ahead and we are left behind again... like not part of the team and quite bored with the walking.

We got back and played Netball first with a netball ball and then with a tennis ball.... OMG it was hard for me to see the tennis ball that when I saw the hand throw it I sort of timed it so that I caught it and most of the time I caught it and made a goal... it felt great to do something different and to work as a team not me and Debbie being at the back. I sweated more playing the netball than I did going up and down the bloody hill... it was great. I wish we could do that more often. I would love to play volleyball too... just for a change as I am not liking the walking... I don't mind every second time or something but it is just getting soooooooo borring.

I feel like I have lost centimetres this week... my skirt that I brought for Friday night was fitting me nice a week and a half ago and I put it on today and showed mum and it was kind of loose on me arghhhhh and I just brought the bloody thing.

Went out shopping today!!! Clothes shopping for a top. I just wanted something that would make me look absolutly fantastic at the Gym Xmas party... I have been getting quite a lot of compliments lately and I thought why not show me off he he he.

Went to a couple of shops to find the right top but there are a lot of shops out there selling only sleeveless tops and I have bingo wings so that doesn't help my self esteem.

I brought a Red sexy top (with sleeves) that has a criss cross at the front and it is a nice sexy red... my mum said to me (now if anyone knows my mum doesn't give compliments very often) but she said it really slimmed me down.... so the black skirt and the red top looks devine. I will take a photo on the night and show you what I look like.

I think I am well on my way to getting to the teens.... P.S thank you for the comments on the last post... Rachel I have taken heed on what you wrote and I think it is working... the portions sizes have been looked at and the fact that I am not eating morning and afternoon snacks unless I feel like I need food.

I can't believe the last two months... it has been the most challenging in my whole time on my healthy lifestyle but it has been the best because it is more positive as I am really thinking about what I do and not do to loose this weight.

It is challenging me to think about the food and the exercise and what I really want to do. It has also made me realise that I don't want to do things that other people are making me do or that I have to feel a certain way because I feel I have to to make someone feel happy.

Which is another thing... I am not going to keep friendships on that make me feel like I cannot talk to them and ones that don't really care about me... it sounds harsh when I re-read this but I am not meaning it to be harsh just that for years I was the sucker...

The reason I am saying this is because one of the parents at my work said to me yesterday "I can see how friends would suck off you?" and I said to her "what are you talking about?" she said that I listen and listen to everyone and sometimes do I wonder if anyone takes the same curtiousy when listening to you?.

I sort of looked at her with these eyebrows going up and she said "don't take it the wrong way but I always see you listening to people and helping people that you seem to always give give but do they give you the same respect or do they just keep talking?" Wow... didn't think anyone would say that to me.. especially a parent hmmmm. I do like listening to people and helping them... but sometimes I have to find people that will listen to me. Maybe that is the reason I write on here because people read about me... and want to read (well some of the time anyway) so that is my way to speak and people listen.

I am enjoying the fact that this blog is passworded!! I still want to keep writing on here and meeting new friends but I want to feel like I can write anything too... how great is that!!

Love ya all
Chubbymum
P.S going out tomorrow night so probably won't update till Saturday night and I can put up the photos of the gym night out. Woohooo

Hectic life

Well....

Life has just been sooo hectic in the past week I haven't even had time to breath much.

Friday:
Spent quite a lot of the day in bed as I just haven't been feeling quite right for a couple of weeks.

Went to the Weight Watchers pot luck dinner and had quite a lot of fun and too much food and the company was fantastic. We laughed a lot and it was great to meet up with different people than the people that are always in your life.

Saturday:
Well today was our 11th wedding anniversary and decided that we wanted to achieve a lot today. We cleaned our bedroom, vacuumed and dusted and washed the shower and bath and walk in wardrobe.

Then we rearranged the kids play room.

Hubby mowed the lawn while I went for a long walk with Quinn (he was on his bike) and while I was out walking with my headphones on I heard this almighty screach where a BMW was turning around and the next minute I saw this lady get out of the car and come towards me and for a minute there I didn't know who it was. It was a friend called Denise and she used to go to Weight Watchers about six months ago and she saw me out walking and had to come and give me a hug and say "OMG you have lost so much more and that I am looking fantastic so that made my day like you wouldn't believe.

Got home from my walk and hubby and I did some painting of the fence which took us a couple of hours and then went up and had a shower and got ready for going out on the town for our anniversary.

We went and saw the movie "The Devil wears Prada" what a great feel good movie. I felt a little like the main young actress in the fact that I wore what she used to wear and now that I am loosing some weight I want to wear all then nice clothes as well. It was a good movie and I even felt better sitting in the movie seats woohooo for me.

After the movie we went to an Indian restaurant as my WW leaders said that I am not treating myself enough but as usual I didn't know when to stop and I just felt really bloated and horrible after the dinner. I will gain for sure this week especially with all the exercise I did on Sunday (I will get to that) and then the Indian food.

Sunday:
Ok so I was up at 5.15am this morning! ARGHHHH couldn't believe I was doing this it was D Day the big triathlon at our gym.

This is what I achieved
12 km Walk (out around our town)
12 km Bike ride (on a gym bike)
4km Rower
50 press ups
50 sit ups

The time for the whole lot was 2 hours and 47 minutes which was a bloody good time but I must admit that the bike I did really slowly and I could have gone twice as fast but made a pact with Debbie that I would go the same speed on the bike if she stayed the same on the rower.. she ended up finishing 2 minutes earlier on the rower though... but hey I suppose that is life. hmmm

The walk was good because Debbie and I had our headphones on and we danced while we walked (listening to different songs I might add) it was probably the most fun I have had while walking that far. But we still worked our backsides off.

Went home after the triathlon and had friends from Auckland come down as they are buying a rental property and wanted some guidance as to what areas would be good etc.

About 3.30 we went to the Lean Xmas party on at Stephanies place. Wow what a place she has in the country the back yard was huge and trees galore and we played Volleyball outside (and to this day I don't know how my muscles managed to play the Volleyball after all that exercise in the morning).

The pot luck bbq was good but by about 7.30 you could see everyone getting really tired and quiet and then we all left to go home. I was in bed and asleep by about 8.10 after putting the boys to bed... and I soooo neeeded more sleep than I got but hey.

Monday
Work...hmmm was sore.... was grumpy..... didn't want to be there! But I was there and hey that is life when you have to do something.

7.30pm we had a meeting with a couple that were selling their business. We are thinking about buying a business and with it being a franchise it is well established and the kinks have been lined out and they have been going for like 15 years etc and have a good reputation so we went to find out the ins and outs and found out that they do it from home which suits me and they have 6 staff and are wanting to start a new little team of 2 so there would be 8 staff that I would have to take over and this lady does it from home and works part time in it as the girls she has just make it run really well.. and the best thing is no weekend work.

So from 7.30 to 10pm we were over there talking and I think this lady really thinks we can take it over because she was giving us all the details of how things work and what we do when etc and I am excited but nervous as I have NEVER NEVER had a business in my life and I have never done a business course. I have always wanted to own a business and this is a good way to start and if we don't like it we can always sell the franchise off.

For it to work fully to our advantage though we would need to grow it twice as big. She has 48 clients and really I think we should be a little bigger and see how it goes.

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On the weight loss front I am angry... I haven't been bad! I had my treat on Saturday night with the butter chicken (but I did go a little overboard) and it was our anniversary. But I can't get my groove back with the food. I am good and I don't loose, and I am bad and I do loose, but this week being bad once is going to cost me!! I had a little cheat look on the scales (which I don't normally do) and it is up by a kilo and I can tell you I have never gained that much in one week since I have started... yes maybe 800grams the most but never more..

I know I did a triathlon and I would have water retention and muscle build up but it is doing my head in.

I still don't know what to do.. I think now I am even more confused than I have ever been. I have to sort out my food as the exercise I don't think is a problem. I am only going to do 3 days of exercise for the next month and get back to sorting out my food.

The reason being... when I first started WW losing the weight I only did 2 days of kickboxing and that was it and I lost and lost and lost and now I am doing 5 to 6 days of exercise and I am not consistant... I hate that. I want to know that if I put the effort in that it will pay off and lately I can't tell if I am being good or bad and what the result is.

I do feel that maybe I don't know what all the sugar points are and I am not eating the right amount of sugar points.

God this is hard!!! My hubby said that any other person would have given up and I suppose in the past I would have but I don't want to. I want to get in to the teens and that is only 4 kilos away but those 4 kilos are staying put and they crept up last week by 400grams and this week feels like the same and I don't want that!!

I do know that everyone is in the same boat and I know that reading a post that is negative isn't good and people don't want to read but I have this blog to get out my feelings and see if there is a person out there that has had the same problem and can sooooo offer me advice.

I want to live my life and still lose.. I want to be happy and not to worry about food all the time and that is why I plan down every meal but then hubby and the WW girls say that I am being too strict with my plans but if I don't then I feel like I will go off the rails... I am torn.. I know that the WW ladies are right and that I have to treat myself... but my mind is torn between what I know is the better choice but then my body isn't liking it or is it?

Why is it so hard for some and easy for others?

Gotta go before I get myself more upset

Chubbymum

My Weight Watcher Leaders

I have the most amazing Weight Watcher leaders!!!

They both came around last night to talk to Debbie and I and it sort of mainly revolved around me so for that Debbie I am sorry.

I try so hard with the food that I didn't know what to do and these wonderful ladies came around and we chatted from 7.30 to 11pm OMG 11 o'clock and I sort of didn't want to end as they really made me think. What WW leaders would do that for anyone? They are the most amazing ladies. I envy their friendship (in a nice way of course) and what they have a achieved and what they will achieve in the future.

There was sooo many things that came out of this meeting that I thought about the whole night and even when I got up for Lean this morning I was thinking about it.

I am too strict on myself. I have plans on what I should eat and can't grasp the idea that I can have treats. Even restaurants we choose are good ones or I feel like I will go off the rails but it isn't working for me. The strictness is not working so I have a challenge of going and having butter chicken for dinner this week (not to go overboard) but I don't eat things that I enjoy anymore. I have had my life consumed by sticking to the plan and maybe it isn't working.

I went to Wellington in September/October and I wasn't fussy with my food and ate what I wanted and had treats and I still lost... maybe the reason being that my body needs it and until last night I didn't realise that..

The other thing that is becoming prominant to me while they were talking last night is that I am trying to please everyone else but myself. I do a lot of things that really I don't want to do but I am doing it (and realised this morning while talking to Debbie) that I do it because I want the recognition and for Crusher to say "OMG you are fantastic" when I don't need to have that recognition and really I don't want to be running because I am finding that my knees are just getting worse and worse and everytime I say to her they are hurting I can feel that she is thinking I am using it as an excuse.

Just like this morning it was pouring down with rain at Lean and I was thinking OMG thank God that we won't be going outside for another one of our walks again and what happened is that we went outside under the eaves and did leg kicks and stair climbing and squats and walking all with our legs and I was F&*(n sore again afterwards. I was soooo angry. I was angry as my knee isnt getting better and I was angry because my group isn't the same anymore.

I used to feel safe in this group... safe that these were friends and we laughed and had fun and did exercise at the same time. But now we don't have that anymore... we have a lot of new people and we have Sgt Major in there and it isn't the same anymore and I am holding on to this group because of the past that isn't there anymore.

I hated it this morning and finally realised it this morning. I hate paying money to go out and walk and be behind everyone else and feel like I am doing the same old same. OMG I can save my money and go for a walk by myself and do what we have been doing in the last 8 weeks and not get abused (by Sgt Major) for it.

I hate the mentality that men have... where they think "Oh I am your trainer and you must abide by me like you are my slave"... it doesn't fit well with me. I used to get bossed around by teachers at school and not encouraged and so going and doing that and paying money for it just isn't right. Why didn't I see that till this morning? Maybe I didn't see it till I was talking to the WW ladies last night to realise that I wanted it to still be the same as it was when we first started Lean and realistically it can't be the same.

I think the hardest part was that I can do this without going to Lean and why didn't I think about this before..? Why didn't I realise that I can lose this weight and I don't have to stay with the same thing. I lost my first 20 kilos WAYYY before Lean and ok I am fitter but I am not where near where I want to be in my weight loss.

I lost the majority of my weight before I went to Lean through twice a week kicking boxing and totally focussed on Weight Watchers. So maybe I need to get back to the basics.

Debbie said this morning that she would do anything as long as we were doing it together and that if not going to Lean was the thing then she would do it.

I broke down and cried and said that I didn't know if leaving Lean was good because if I left it and then something happened where she pushed me aside like Kris did I don't think I could pick myself up again.

I HATE losing friends (even though now I realise Kris wasn't my friend and I am glad that I ended it and that I didn't return her calls).

I have been holding back on the frienship with Debbie because of not wanting to get hurt again... not wanting to have to pick up the pieces or change my ways of doing things to avoid her like I am doing with Kris as even going to take the boys to school now is difficult because Kris is there... I couldn't also do that with work it would be just too hard.

Pooring your heart out to friends is the hardest thing because if the friendship breaks up then those friends know what gets to you etc... even though I must admit Kris didn't know half the things I felt because I never got the chance to confide in her because we were always solving her problems.

Kris hurting me twice has made me scared to make new friendship for the fear of being hurt... it is like being FAT all over again where I avoid it because it is better than the hurt.

I have my last event with Lean this weekend and that is our triathlon:

• 12km walk
• 12km bike ride
• 4000 mtr Rower
• 50 push ups
• 50 sit ups

Then that will be it!

I want to be in the teens....

I have 4.6 to get to the teens so that is all I am focussing on right now getting rid of those 4.6 kilos.

So since daylight savings is here this is my week from Monday:

Monday: Rest day after the Triathlon
Tuesday: Gym with Debbie and no Lean
Wednesday: Might meet Debbie at her place and go for a long walk
Thursday: Get up early and go for a walk with Debbie
Friday: Personal Training with Crusher
Saturday: Recover from Gym Christmas Dinner I think

I am going to have 1 treat this week on Saturday night (which is our 11 year wedding anniversary) and that is to have Butter Chicken.

I am going to have a REAL sandwich this week and not just wraps and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Karen and Kylie thank you for last night!!! You don't know what a relief working all this out is doing for me... it feels like I am living again and I am doing this for me again and not for all the other people (that mean well).

Deb's thanks for listening to me while I was upset this morning.. you are true friend.

Also thank you to all of you out there commenting and reading because without it I don't think I would have made it this far and I would have kept it all in.

P.S Rachel I missed you while you were on holiday girl! ;-)
Karen woohooo on your beautiful baby daughter... you will rock at being a mum hun.

Love Chubbymum