I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....
I am fooling myself that I am doing good.
I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.
I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.
I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.
I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.
In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.
Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.
I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...
I track... but I don't care!!!
Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?
Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.
I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...
I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.
YES CRAZY WOMAN TALKING HERE.
Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?
Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!
Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.
I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...
I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.
I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.
I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...
How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.
How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!
Ok I am rambling now.
At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.
I am taking on Abba's suggestion..
- Drink my water
- Smaller Portions
- NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
- Track on blog (honestly)
- At least 4 hours of exercise
That is it!!!
I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.
In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.
So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!
I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.