Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Filthy Mood

I am in the most utterly filthy mood today... I am angry, I am moody, I am pissed off with myself.

I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....

I am fooling myself that I am doing good.

I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.

I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.

I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.

I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.

In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.

Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.

I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...

I track... but I don't care!!!

Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?

Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.

I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...

I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.


Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?

Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!

Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.

I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...

I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.

I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.

I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...

How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.

How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!

Ok I am rambling now.



At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.

I am taking on Abba's suggestion..

This week:
  1. Drink my water
  2. Smaller Portions
  3. NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
  4. Track on blog (honestly)
  5. At least 4 hours of exercise

That is it!!!

I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.

In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.

So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!

I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.



Abba said...

Okay, are you done? You sound like I did last week, except I didn't write it all down. Reading this made me feel better. If it makes you feel better, I am the same way. I am ANGRY that I am overweight and I can't lose it.

Here's the thing. Find one goal to work on for a week, and you stick to it. One week. Then after you have stuck through it for one week, you add another goal. You still have to maintain the first goal. Baby steps girlfriend. That's what it takes sometimes.

I have a long way to go myself. Last week I felt like crap looking at those pictures of myself. But you know what? It made me stronger. It made me angry at myself for letting my body get to this point. Now, I have to put that anger to use. Exercise and will power. I can do this. YOU can do this. We can do this together.

Now, get your rear in gear before I kick it in the 10 week Challenge! Love ya doll!

Anne said...

Huge hugs - wish I knew what to say to help you! Can't come up with a thing. I have to say the book you mentioned confused me as well. First time I did the quiz I was mixed and then I re-thought and did it again and came up carb type? You are right Helena is positive, happy - maybe she is exactly who you need to talk to.

One day at a time, and baby steps.

Name: Lynise said...

Oh Mandy, I am so sorry that your feeling so crappy, and I'm even more sorry that I can't make it all better for you.
It truely is the pits to feel like you do at the moment and I wish there was a simple 'fix it' answer to make it all better again.
I am sure you are not alone in having this rough patch as I'm sure we have all experienced similar feelings. I know it seems like you can't get yourself back on track and I fully understand how frustrating this is as I have been in the exact same spot many times myself.
Being overweight is probably one of the biggest challenges a person will struggle with during their live as theres no hiding it. Its there for the world to see, so unlike other struggles (that we can keep to ourselves) being overweight is not something we can keep to ourselves. We also often suffer further from society, not necessarily directly, but certainly through the pressure that is put on us to look attractive and wear nice clothes. It effects us in so many different ways that just make the whole struggle that much more difficult.
I so wish there was an easy answer, I look at myself in the mirror and it can be easy to only see the huge butt, or chubby face but I am so much more then the excess fat that I carry on my body and so are you my dear friend.
Being overweight is just how our bodies look, it has nothing to do with our character, integrity, morals, abilities, skills, or gifts. You are a gorgeous woman because your heart is just lovely, and lets face it theres nothing at all wrong with the way you look either. Please don't let this weight define who you think you as you really are sooooo much more then just some wobbly bits that you would like gone.
One of the things that I really love about blogland is we are in the company of others who are struggling with the same issues/feelings etc. Unfortunately we all go through times like this but it saddens me to see that you are beating yourself up like you are and seem to be letting a bit of extra weight deprive you of being the person I know you are.
Gosh I can talk a lot, but everything I have written is the truth and I'm just a phone call away if you need a caring ear.
07 868 2268.

Rachel said...

Oh Sweetie, I just want to give you a big hug.

Talk to Helena tonight, she is an amazing women (as you know).

Has your 'monthly' come yet because you are sounding very hormonal.........poor Jeremy LOL

celtic_girl said...

OK, so you have "only lost 10 kilos" is a year. What would your weight be if you hadn't been going to WW and doing the exercise yourv'e been doing? Surely you feel better physically and about yourself for all the things you have acheived since staring this journey.

Stop seeing the challenge as a competition, as it ain't one.Look at it as a activity we are all particpating in. There are no prizes for the biggest losers, no external recognition, just a few overweight people with similar goals trying to improve their lives, while dealing with all the crap that is life. You are doing good, you have done good, we all have these moments. Use it to your advantage. I agree with most of Abbs's comments.

And don't think for a second we are sick of hearing about it - true friendship is about never having to say sorry about anything.
Keep tight there hun, I'll be checking in on you.

tracy said...

Sweetie you have been doing this whole thing for so long, you are just sick & tired of it. Like the others have said, we all have days/weeks like this. Take one day at a time & remember we all care & do not feel guilty about venting when you feel like crap - that is what we are here for, to give you support, ther same as you do to others when they are having a bad day. Sending Hugs :-)

Lyn said...

Yep I agree with Celtic!! And Abba!

Mandy ... now listen up chicky ... here's your telling off!!. I'm reading between the lines here and also when we had our coffee that you are the type of person that compares yourself to everyone else and you don't feel like you measure up. STOP DOING THAT!! You are an absolutely beautiful creation!! There is no measure, everyone is different and deals with things in different ways. You are doing fantastically and like Abba says, take one step at a time

Nic said...

I drink the sugarfree V, and I have a can very morning, first thing at the weekend or when I get to work in the morning. I haven't found it detrimental to my weightloss, but I have tried to cut down, keep saying next week I'll stop but I haven't been able to yet I really miss my early morning V.


Lyn said...

Re: your comment ... feel free to surprise me any day chickey!!

Janene said...

Hi CM, Sorry to hear you're in a funk and feeling angry. Hopefully meeting up with Helena tonight will help to snap you out of it!

As for the V, have you tried having Berocca instead? I was having V most work days but has switched to Berocca and it's working really well.

Hang in there hun, you will get through this rough patch and come through a much stronger and more determined woman at the end of it, I just know it *hugs*