Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Anyway.... came in to work today and since I have been avoiding going to the doctor I made an appointment. I found a lump under my arm and was quite worried about it... and so in the last week my weight loss and everything else has been put on the back burner because as you know I always think the worst aye!!!
Anyway so went this morning... just left a note on my desk at work saying... gone to doctor don't know if I will be back. But I came back he he he.
Had my armpit inspected and I have a gland up and also one of the folicals got infected EWWWW I can hear you all say but it was pretty damn scary to me that is for sure. I have had a cancer scare before and with my Dad and all his cancer problems before he died I was fretting but hey the fretting was for nothing ... and now I have antibiotics for a fortnight because she said she wants to eliminate it totally wooohoooooooo.
I shouldn't keep to myself when things like that happen but it is instinct that I do I think.
I had a sneak preview on the scales this morning thinking that it will be up because of all my stressing etc but it is the same... so ya never know I might loose a little bit by weigh in tomorrow or stay the same and happy with that...
GEESH is this getting to be a habit with me happy to stay the same or gain a little... THIS SUCKS big time and I have to get my head in a better space and sort MY SHIT out....
I don't want to give up!! But I do in a way.... sick of trying trying trying ya know. It isn't like I have given up eating healthy food and doing my exercise as I am still doing 4 days a week of exercise and iti s sweating exercise not just a little stroll down the road ya know.
I have to find one book and stick to it. Or one plan and stick to it. I am reading Helena's bible at the moment and I am thinking it makes sooo much sense so I do feel it is great but then I can't get my head out of pointing either and thinking about doing the online WW too... I can't make up my mind. I don't know whether I am wanting to do the online WW because it is familiar or I am too scared to try something different or what really... quite confused about that. I do realise you are all going through the same thing too but sometimes I just want someone to say Oi this is what you are doing and this is what you are going to stick at and you are going to loose an amazing amount of weight!!!!
Life sucks with weight loss like this!!!
Went to my friends place last night (the one that the other half left) and we had a good chat and she had a cry and so did I. My hubby went (it is his friend that was her other half) and he said the most adorable things to her last night that we are there for her and she said she doesn't want to ruin their friendship and that if G said to stop seeing her then he should do it... and my hubby said "well... (he paused) I don't think I would think too much of him if he put me in that situation because I shouldn't have to choose and if he told me I had to then really he isn't a friend is he because I have opinions of my own and the way he is treating his kids goes against all that I believe in" OMG I had tears in my eyes when he said that and she just looked at him and didn't say anything I think she was scared she was going to cry again.
So anyway after we left there the kids were in the back (now remember they are only 5 and 7) and my 7 year old said 'why isn't uncle G living there anymore?"
and I said "why do you ask"
he said "Adam was upset and said that his Dad isn't living at home anymore"
and I said "Uncle G doesn't live there anymore because he doesn't love Aunty P anymore but still loves Adam and Brianna but it is best that he doesn't live there anymore"
He went quiet and said "Brianna was crying and said that boys don't like her anymore and that her dad doesn't either" and my son said he didn't know what to say to her.
I said to him that he needs to show her that not all boys do not like her and that you will be there for her and Adam as a friend and he said "yes that is a good idea mum" I will tell her next time I see her.... my youngest was saying that he didn't like seeing them both cry.
My husband just squeezed my hand and I cried (trying not to let the kids hear me).... so I think if G does come around that my hubby will be telling him what the kids are saying to each other because P has said it to him but he might be thinking that she is causing trouble and trying to make him feel bad ya know... but now that the kids are saying it to our kids we know it isn't her being mean to G.
I don't quite understand how you can love someone so much and then all of a sudden treat them like crap and not tell them why... she doesn't understand because a week beforehand they were hugging and sorting out their future etc but now he is treating her like she has done like something really bad. Why do people do that? She can't move on because she doesn't know what she has done wrong for it to go like this.
He took $1,000 out of their Visa too and I said to her she needs to stop the Visa because he has stopped his wages going in and said to her he is using the Visa to live on... but she is paying for it. He even phoned and got the hotpoints put over to him as well. Then he got mad because she closed the Visa... damn she did the right thing... he can't expect to get something for nothing aye.
Anyway enough of my rambling... it clears my head so that I don't fret about it ya know... and I do need to know that what I am feeling is right and that I am backing up the right person ya know...
Love ya all
Monday, 28 May 2007
Thursday, 24 May 2007
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Monday, 21 May 2007
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Friday morning I spent most of day in bed as I have not been sleeping properly and reading my book... it was great.
Friday night was spent at the kids school at the Trivial Pursuit night raising money for the PTA... what a hoot of a night. Tania got the group of us together and she organised the wigs and bows and balloons and it didn't take much but it was funny.
BUT we won!!! We won best team costume of the night wooohooooo.... it was great. There were sixteen groups and we came eighth place but that was better than coming last aye. It was a fabulous night out with friends and we got home about 11pm and I got to sleep about 12 he he. Below me with orange hair and hubby with purple and my friend Tanya is in the pink.
Below in pink is Tanya my friend.
This morning got up had breakfast with the kids and then got ready for soccer again. Went to Corbin's team and they were playing so well. I think they get to the stage that the teams have all been playing for a while that it gets harder and harder to get goals.
They played so well and I was screaming on the sidelines as well as some of the other mums he he he it was great... they were great but just after half time I had to go and take Quinn to his game.
Quinn's game started with a big bang!!! Quinn almost got a goal but it got hit off the goal post grrr but went straight back within in a few minutes and got his first goal out of 3 goals today OMG he is a goal hogger he he he. His team won 7 goals to 4 woohooooo that is fantastic....
This is his team after the game all standing there buggered but so happy with themselves. Quinn on the far left (got 3 goals) Matt is next to him (got 1 goal) Benjamin is next to him (2 goals) and the boy on the far left is Ben (1 goal)...
Hubby's Dad and step mum came to watch Quinn play and then afterwards we took the boys to McDonalds for lunch and then took the food over to the park across the road and when they finished eating we got the autumn leaves and starting throwing them.... I am not too sure that I like the photos of me but hey... have to get used to photos aye.
More photos in the next post down.
Now a year ago I would NOT have done anything but sit and watch and never get involved so what a change this is for me.
Thursday, 17 May 2007
But the biggest loser is on and that is why everyone tonight is soooooo quiet.
I have been trying really hard this week to drink my water and not be a wuss.... and I have succeeded so far. I want to lose between 300 grams and 500 grams this week. I can't realistically ask for more as I just don't do it. So if I keep it going like that then I am going to get down.
Looking at the biggest loser... makes me re-evaluate things. I have lost 74 pounds... now when you look at your weight in pounds it makes you feel sooooo good. Some of them only lost around the 50's and 60 pounds and I have lost 74 pounds so I am proud of myself....
Today was a great day...
Spent the morning helping in Quinn's class doing the class spelling and that was fun. I enjoyed that. Got home and spent time with mum and then we went in to Farmers to meet my friend Marina (Corbin's friend Dion's mum and one of the ladies I go to coffee with) and we went shopping.... there was a Farmers card sale (30% off) and hubby said since Tuesday was a nightmare for me with clothes and pants that I can wear to work (which is casual dress by the way) that I could go and buy one item of clothing.
Yep you guessed it... what woman can stop at just one huh he he he...
I brought 4 things he he he 2 pants and 2 tops... and the pants were jeans and they made me look soooo much thinner.... one black and one blue and one black top and one red and it felt great.
I wanted to buy some black pants that were there and I automatically went and got the size 26 thinking that is the size but keep forgetting I don't have to get the biggest size on the rack anymore. So I tried the 24 because that is what I am wearing now (I thought) nope I got in to a size 22 in black dressy pants OMG... I didn't buy them but I was sooo proud that I could get in to a size 22.
With the jeans I brought size 24's but could get in to 22 and they zipped up but I don't think I would have been that comfortable in them as I really honestly don't like things too fitting even though my friend Marina said that I could wear them no trouble I still had to be comfortable and I have to be comfortable now at the moment because of all my clothes not fitting and I am getting angry about it.
It made me sooo happy to fit in to the size 22 even so and I was on such a high that I could go in to the change rooms with that size and the tops were all 2xl and not 3, 4, 5xl like I used buy so I was sooo happy... Woohooo blooodyyyy wooohoooo
It was great going shopping with Marina because she buys clothes at size 14 that I want to get in to so it was like inspiration to get there.
Afterwards we went to a lovely lunch at Modana (cafe) and I had a chicken panini hmmmm yummmy.
It was a great day... I enjoyed it!
Love ya all
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
I went from 121.6 kilos to 121 kilos and I am soooo happy with that. I know that I can't lose a kilo each week and if I can make 500 grams or a little bit more then I am happy.
So I haven't lost enough to make up for the 5 kilos for the 10 weeks but I am on my way and I am thinking more about food and my portions now and I am back in to my exercise routine and feeling so much better for it.
I am reading Helena's bible at the moment and finding it really informative and found out that I am a protein type... so in the last couple of days hubby and I have been trying different things from the bible and one is to have a little bit of protein 1 or 2 hours before bed time as apparently it helps with sleeping and I slept soooo much better last night for it.
Went to kickboxing on Monday night with Debbie and Kris was sitting in the seat at reception looking all slumber and unhappy. I think she had a meeting with the physio and so Debbie was already standing outside the Kickbox class and so I decided to introduce each other... Kris said hello and then proceeded to look at the floor and not get in on a conversation so hey I tried to hold a sival conversation but she didn't want it and it suited me fine because then I just thought hey how great is that I am happy and not worrying about what she thinks anymore. Debbie and I had a good work out on Monday night kickboxing as Liz tried new moves in the class and I was sweating like a pig.
I got a compliment this morning at school when I was dropping of the kids. A parent came up to me and said "You look fantastic have you lost more weight" I said a little but it is coming off slowly " and then she said I really love your hair colour' I said to her "OMG you are the only one that has noticed my hair colour and I did it over a week ago" she said "then they must be jealous" he he he that made me laugh. She is such an elegant lady this lady talking to me and I love how trendy she is when she dresses so it was a lovely comment that came from her.
So I am ready for another week on this journey.... I find that when I am concentrating on Papaya business my weight loss suffers and when I am concentrating on my weight loss then my business suffers.. OMG I can't win really. I know deep down that my weight loss is more important but I have spent a lot of money on my business for me not to keep it going. I have this Wedding Expo to do in July and to be honest I haven't made up enough invites to get me going and I can't think of anything at the moment that will catch their eyes and says WOW I love those invitations.
Janene asked if we won Lotto $7.5 million what would we do with it. So tell me what you think? And like Janene I challenge you to think what you would spend your money on.
- Wake up first he he he
- 1 Million between hubby's family
- 1 Million to my mum
- $500,000 to Quinn (bank account)
- $500,000 to Corbin (bank account)
- 1 Million to be spent on a new house for us to live in and be happy with
- 1 Million in the bank account for Savings and to keep us going for a while.
- $500,000 to be spent on a business that basically runs itself but I can be in (probably a craft business)
- $500,000 for a batch in New Zealand somewhere (not a flash one... something that we can do up and spend weekends in etc)
- $100,000 Go on a holiday to Tuscany, Venice (basically Italy he he) and Europe and enjoy about 6 months of travelling with the kids and have a private tutor with us too so they can keep up with their school work, but for us to enjoy life for 6 months.
- Go to school and learn anything I want to learn just for me and not worry how we are going to pay bills or live. Am thinking about going to learn more about Nutrition and also about psychology of losing weight so that I can start up a business to help people like me that have to sort out their minds to lose the weight because if you haven't got the right headspace then it just doesn't happen.
- Rent out our house that we live in at the moment... or maybe sell our house we have at the moment and buy two rentals to be rented.
- Hire a personal trainer so that I don't have to worry about only going once a week I could go five times a week if I want.
- Also hire a Nutritionist to be on hand full time to teach me and hubby and the kids about nutrition and how we can change our eating but it still be yummy... (basically like a cook too he he he).
- Visit all the bloggers to see how they are going and maybe have a NZ blogging night and a Australian Blogging night to catch up and have a party he he he.
Anyway will update later as I have heaps of work to do he he he
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
I wore black jeans and a dressy black top to work with high healed short boots and I feel fantastic.... got a funky necklace on and I feel on top of the world.. hair is feeling great... makeup great and so I FEEL F.... FANTASTIC he he he.
I have made a couple of decisions in my life this week (I will tell you at a later date) and it has made me have a much better approach on life.
I went kickboxing last night and Debbie actually turned up when she said she would OMG that was a shock at that and it was a great class and I sweated like you wouldn't believe as Liz had a new routine and it had me jumping and going for it.. I can certainly tell the difference between Liz's class and .... and we made our decisions about what exercise is going to be done...
So here it goes:
Monday - Kickboxing with Liz
Tuesday - Walk or gym
Wednesday - We are going to try Liz's Lean class as we have been asking and asking Joy to organise a night one and she has decided no she will do a kickboxing class as she can't get enough people to do a night lean... doesn't make sense to me because if they can do a kickboxing class then they can do a lean class hmmmm.
So Debbie and I decided since we were paying for the gym anyway we may as well join Liz's Lean class. Because I am not going back to the morning Lean when Kris is still there.... my life has been better since getting her out of it...
Thursday - either a walk with hubby at night or a walk by myself during the day.
Friday - PT with Joy
The weekend will be free!!!! and for me not to feel guilty.
Went for a long walk with hubby and the kids tonight and walked at a fast pace and swinging my arms as well to try and get my heart pumping faster. We did our big block but I decided I wanted to go further and do an even further block and doing a hill climb with it.
I was sooo proud of myself and the last bit going up the hill to our place the boys were complaining how hard it was to get up the hill with their scooters that I thought OMG I don't want to listen to them complaining so I started jogging up the hill and hubby said to the boys "come on boys lets catch up to mummy" and so I ran faster so they couldn't catch me and I got up the hill and they didn't catch me even with scooters woohooooo... and then ran down the hill back home it was fantastic... I feel fantastic because I wasn't puffing as much either...
I have felt great today and I hope the rest of my week goes the same way.
Love ya all
37.5 Kilos (117.2) - Card Class
37.8 Kilos (6 Stone) - Scrapbook Canvas
40 Kilos (114.7) - New pair of Jeans
42.5 Kilos (112.2) -
44.1 Kilos (7 Stone)
45 Kilos (109.7) - Heart Rate Watch (from TLC)
47.5 Kilos (107.2) -
50 Kilos (104.7) - Quad Bike Adventure
50.4 Kilos (8 Stone) -
55 Kilos (99.7) - Woohoooo
56.7 Kilos (9 Stone)
Monday, 14 May 2007
I am going to copy this after finishing because Blogger is causing me no end of problems.
I had a fabulous mothers day and was treated like a Queen for the day.
Woke up at about 7.30 thinking OMG I can sleep in this morning and I couldn't... isn't it always the way that when you can sleep in your body won't let ya.
So hubby went downstairs to organise the boys etc and he put on Under the Tuscan Sun for me OMG it is my all time favourite movie... I have watched it sooo many times and I still get such a great great feeling in my heart.
So half way through I stopped the DVD and went downstairs to give my mum her mothers day present and give her a hug. The boys gave her a homemade card they had done and it was nice....
Went back upstairs to my duvet and pj's and my DVD and the next minute the boys were up there and giving me their homemade cards and I was crying while reading them because they tried so hard and Quinn (my 5 year old) really tried to write a sentence and not copy of anyone etc... and he said "hape mthrs day, u r vantastec mum" He he he I had to laugh when I saw that as he really tried to hear all the sounds etc and I started crying and they both wanted to know why I was crying... I was crying because I have the best sons in the world and they really think about things...
So they gave me their presents (that they brought from the $2 shop) and they were fluffy red gloves (from Corbin) and a key chain with a pen and a stretchy thing and red also from Quinn. I asked them why they chose red for both the presents and they said because Red is their favourite colour and they knew I would like them....
I gave them a big hug.
Then breakfast was made and brought up to me. It was English muffins with one egg and bacon and hubby had made a low fat benedict sauce to go over the top hmmmmmm yummmmmy.
We all had breakfast in bed he he he it was great and watched the rest of Under the Tuscan Sun.
I read my book that I got from hubby by Jane Green for about half an hour then went and got a shower and changed (as MIL was coming over for lunch).
Went downstairs to see the boys making lunch for us all... hmmmmmmm
I sat down at the table making some bracelets with my mum and then the boys and hubby gave me another present... OMG I didn't expect anything else but it was a bust... (you know like the ones the sewers have when making dresses) but it was a miniture one that you put jewellery on and it was dressed in a beautiful sequin black dress (will take a photo and add to this when I get home tonight).
I hugged my husband sooo much because usually you know what men are like they never listen but he must have listened when I told him months ago I liked it in this lovely shop up here and I was soooo happy.
My MIL turned up and we gave her her mothers day present and she really liked what she got.
So the boys made us lunch and set up the table outside in the sun and we had Devonshire tea with scones and jam and cream. It was fabulous... I mean I just felt soooo happy etc.
We sat there after lunch reading magazines and the kids got their Wheelers book club magazine out and were trying to work out how much they had to earn to get some books from it... he he he pocket money saves me heaps he he he.
After MIL left we got on our bikes and went for a 8km bike ride (OMG it was great and fast it only took us 45 minutes) and about 6 months ago it would have taken us hours with Quinn being so slow... but without his training wheels it has been fantastic. We went along the river and past our gym and on the way home we stopped at a playground and I layed down on the bench with my head on hubby's legs and looked up at the sky it was a beautiful day and I was feeling quite relaxed.
Got home BUGGERED!!!! he he as the boys are really fast now.
Went back upstairs got my pj's on he he he and read my book and while reading the boys brought up a platter with cheeses, crackers, quince, and grapes he he he was I in heaven or what.
Dinner was made and it was steak with bacon wrapped around it with a mushroom sauce on the top and lots of veges and for dessert we finished off with some more grapes.
OK so this weeks weigh in isn't going to be too good but I don't care... I had an indulgent day with my boys and it was fantastic... so this week phewwy to the weight he he he
So anyway that was my mothers day and it was bliss.
Love ya all
I wrote a fabulous post about my mothers day!!!!
And it isn't there!!! SOMETIMES BLOGGER PISSES ME OFF.
It took me a long time to write about it..
GRRR so you guys will have to wait till tonight as I am at work and I can't write that much at the moment.
Friday, 11 May 2007
Work was ok... couldn't wait to get out of there. Even though I got 4 more creches to do in my 21.5 hours of work I managed to get it done and time went really fast. Sometimes I reckon they think I am a miracle worker. I invoice 10 creches in 21.5 hours and the lady that left was doing 11 creches in 40 hours OMG.... I know I get my work done but GEESH sometimes they take advantage.
Took the boys to soccer practice then picked up Helena from her hotel and we took off for Kickboxing... it was a good kickbox and there weren't a lot of people there... how great is that. I was sweating (not as much as usual grrrrr) maybe I was feeling a little self conscience he he he because of Helena being there he he he but she is such a darling and she looked like she had been doing kickboxing all her life... what a thrill... he he he.
Spent the day getting a hair cut and taking mum around places and I got some beads and stuff to make some bracelets.... they look so cool. Mum took them tonight to show off at Bingo he he sooo cool. The boys made a bracelet each... Quinn did one for his teacher and Corbin made one for his Nana. So most of the night was spent making them and it took my mind off food.
When trying to write in here I can't work out what to write... I have felt like I haven't stopped for a couple of days and now trying to write about it I can't think of what to say.
I have been really trying this week with food and with exercise so I have a feeling it is going to be a nice loss this week (not a lot but nice).
Had my PT today and OMG it was the best with Joy in such a long time... we did a lot of bag kickboxing and sit ups and steppers and bench press and leg lifts etc it was the most amazing time and I felt slim and skinny and fit than I have felt in ages. It revved me up for the day that is for sure.
I haven't wanted to get on the computer for a couple of days and just wanted to do other things apart from the computer so I am sorry for being away for a couple of days.... it has revived me tha tis for sure.
We have my brother in law and his girlfriend and my mother in law coming over for dinner tonight as it is my brother in law's birthday.... which is good but they have just come back from luxenburg and Berlin and I am sooooo jealous and now the whole night will be my mother in law sitting there smiling and thinking that her younger son and his girlfriend being the best in the world and how intelligent they are and she talks to the girlfriend like she is the bees knees (and she is a nice person) but sometimes I wish she treated me like that when hubby and I were dating... I got so much hell from her when we dated and I hated the woman like you wouldn't believe so now seeing how great she is with the girlfriend makes me sooo angry.
I sometimes think it was because I wasn't intelligent enough or skinny enough or rich enough for her son... she blamed me for hubby not finishing his degree (2 papers) and I was the one that kept him at the University for as long as he stayed and I supported him (not like she did) he lived with me and I paid the bills and went to work and there was no help from her. I get angry sometimes about the whole thing and how she tried to stop me seeing him etc... OH it makes me sooo angry.
Anyway better go as they will be here soon ho hum.
Tuesday, 8 May 2007
Picked up Helena after finishing work today wohoooo.... it was great to see her again... she is such an elegant and warming person.
We came home talked for a little bit and then she went to my Weight Watchers meeting with me... it was great to introduce her to everyone as I have talked about her and how she was my inspiration to get started on this weight loss... it was great to talk to everyone tonight...
The WW meeting was really good but Kylie was really quiet tonight.. (other WW leader) I hope she was alright.
So I lost 200 grams and I thought I was going to gain or stay the same.. but in a way I have stayed the same as I am back to my weight when starting this challenge.
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH
Thank you for listening to my vent and commenting today... I was in such a funk because I am getting frustrated and it is only my fault because I have to get my mind set right and Helena made me realise this tonight....
Helena came home and had dinner and dessert with the family and then we sat down and watched Downsize me and Dancing with the stars and had a couple of laughs in between.
Helena brought me a lovely little card that is called Risk It!! and has a lovely quote on it and the last paragraph says "Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Only a person who risks is free" so I am going to take Helena's advice and Risk it!!!
So I am going to stick to my 5 things in my last post and I am going to lose this weight and have to stop stuffing around.
I am glad that I can be totally honest in my blog now and I thank you for that.
Going to bed now as I am buggered.
Love ya all and thank you for listening and caring.
I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....
I am fooling myself that I am doing good.
I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.
I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.
I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.
I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.
In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.
Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.
I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...
I track... but I don't care!!!
Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?
Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.
I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...
I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.
YES CRAZY WOMAN TALKING HERE.
Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?
Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!
Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.
I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...
I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.
I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.
I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...
How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.
How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!
Ok I am rambling now.
At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.
I am taking on Abba's suggestion..
- Drink my water
- Smaller Portions
- NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
- Track on blog (honestly)
- At least 4 hours of exercise
That is it!!!
I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.
In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.
So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!
I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
I must admit I always thought that if I didn't read about it then it won't mean it won't happen. I have been putting off reading about Italy, Tuscany, Venice because they are my dream places and I want to go there but I know that we can't really afford it right now and really can we ever afford it hmmmm.... if we win lotto maybe but not unless we do.
How do people do it? I have a HUGE mortgage and can't really afford to go or maybe it is because I have a HUGE mortgage I can't... it is all priorities isn't it. Mine is to have a good house over my head. I suppose I see a holiday as LOTS of money spent in such a short time and what do you have to show for it. At least with a house I can make money on it and have it every day ya know... I know I know we still have to have experiences but my priorities is my home.
Anyway.... been ok with food. I haven't gone overboard like last weekend but still wanting to eat my arm off with this TOM.... I don't remember ever having that much of an appetite with my TOM when I was bigger? Or maybe it was because I didn't take much notice of it... did anyone else ever have that? Do you remember?
I spent tonight doing a 10 year olds birthday invitations and it was fun. Hubby and I up to our necks in glitter and pink and purple and fairies he he he it was sooo much fun. I did only 3 of them as they are going ice skating.
Also before we went and did the invites hubby coloured my hair.... I must say I thought it was bright when I first saw it but I am getting to like it he he he... feel bright and happy.
Update Monday Morning
Well Helena is here today woohooooo she is going Kickboxing with me tonight (hopefully as it depends on if she can get out of work quick enough he he) but I am sooo excited as I really like Helena.
I feel on top of the world today.... I am at work and I have my new hair colour and I feel like a million dollars. I love the richness... it is sort of a chocolate colour with reddy highlights and it looks fab (well I think so anyway). I have been unpacking my new computer for work and I have lots of new goodies here in my office... nothing can bring me down he he he.
Gave the invitations to the 10 year olds mum this morning at school andher daughter gave them to her friends and they adored it and then there were about 10 other girls hanging around them so I felt chuffed when they did that as I am not really a girly girl with glitter and pink etc so I did well I reckon.
And a work lady came in today to see if I was still doing a bottle for her hubby so... money is rolling on in woohooooo.
Now I just need to sort out an accountant to help me do a spreadsheet of some kind so I can keep up with the money etc and I will be fine.
OMG... but the weigh in isn't going to be good this week as I have my TTOM and I ALWAYS weigh heavier... but I know that the week later will be good because I have been good.
Anyway better get on with my work he he he.
Love ya all
Saturday, 5 May 2007
So here are mine:
Mandy needs help in ways I cannot comprehend
(he he he yep yep yep I certainly think so he he)
Mandy needs to keep her image clean and remember what got her to where she is
(sometimes I wonder about the internet ;-) )
Mandy needs to brush her hair, that "windblown" look is just frizzy and nappy...you are on a beach for crying out loud...do blonde and something bright.
Windblown, frizzy and nappy.... well tell me what you think already.
Isn't it cool how if you put a sentence in it can bring out so many things.
I needed that to cheer me up. I HATE HAVING MY TTOM OMG!!! I am not liking it this month. Since losing weight they are getting more and more nasty and on time grrrr... I think I liked it more when I was always late so that I didn't get them every 4 weeks but more like every 6 weeks grrrrrr.
Had to drive to Raglan today for Corbin's soccer game. I am beginning to think that I am a jinxx because they lost their game and basically really played badly and didn't try when last week hubby said they were on fire. Quinn's team won 6 to 4 OMG and when I was with the team last week they didn't get any goals... he he he so I am a jinxx.
It was a nice drive to Raglan... it was foggy but it cleared up.
After the game we went looking around the shops and there were nice shops there but OMG they charged the earth for things. One little lipgloss that you could get for $5 in town was like $19 everything was sooo expensive.
We went into a coffee shop to have lunch but I was too scared to have anything... only because it wasn't looking good for me and I AM NOT GOING TO GAIN I am trying my hardest this week... as Celtic Girl is my inspiration. I mean we both started on the same weight and now she is almost in her teens (so jealous but soooo happy for Celtic Girl as she deserves it TOTALLY).
Not sure how the weigh in will go though because of the monthly and I always gain with it but I am going to try my hardest.
Leenie comes up to Hamilton this week coming and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully she can come to my kickboxing classes with me. Monday and Wednesday nights are the nights... I have even told my Kickboxing teacher about how amazing she is and so she is looking forward to meeting her. I hope she has time to come to the classes it should be fun.
I need to get some peppermint tea in to me... terrible TOM cramps tonight.
This afternoon after getting back from the soccer, hubby took the boys out to the playground and I went upstairs (to get away from my mother to tell the truth) and I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's... not finished it yet as the boys came back and annoyed me but hey. It was nice to sit there and watch an old fashioned show and just blob out. I know I know second day in a row but I have just felt like blobbing these last couple of days.
My mum is driving this whole family insane today... the boys have been good and all of us sat down to watch a DVD and all she can do it come in and we pause and she moans about something and then walks out and then slams the doors and kitchen cupboards etc... and I am not letting her get her way. This is my family and we work damn hard all week and have school, work, soccer and do all the chores and homework and in the weekend we want to blob and she is not going to make me or the boys feel uncomfortable about that. I left home because I didn't feel happy or comfortable living there and she is not going to do that to me again.
I know it was me that asked her to live with us when Dad died and I do love her but I can't leave home anymore because it is my home and I am not at 36 years old going to be ruled by her little tanties anymore.
Does anyone else have lazy days? I just feel lazy and I will get over it. I am not feeling like I could eat the whole house today but I am feeling moody and grumpy...
I DONT WANNA FEEL GRUMPY..
Thank you guys for all your posts lately... it keeps me happy and sane!!!
I was on Livy's page today and I clicked on the following and after reading what was said after doing this made me realise that it got it right... I am sooo like they said...
I want to go to Tuscany and Venice!!! I would love to have a Villa there and spend time with my family and watch the beautiful land and get caught up in the village ways and just feel relaxed and serene and free to learn a new culture.... ok... enough dreaming I will come back to life now.
Anyway now that I have stolen two great things for two blogs he he he I think I might go back to reading my inbox.. OMG I have 177 emails to get through. GEESH ME!!
Love ya all
Hope your weekends are going well..
Friday, 4 May 2007
I feel guilty about it because I should have gotten up BUT I DIDN'T WANNA... so I got up made the boys and me some breakfast and got money out of my purse and got them a school lunch at school.
I was sooo proud of my youngest.. he has only started school and can't read totally yet but the whole time at school filling out the lunch order he kept saying "I want an apple" and I said there is no fruit on the list then he would say "well I will have a banana" OMG I was sooo proud of him.. there were chocolate muffins and biscuits and he could have what he wanted for the first time in ages and NO he wanted healthy fruit... couldn't give it to him but I was still proud of him.
So my healthy eating is rubbing off on him when he prefers fruit to muffins woohooooo bloody woohooo.
After taking the boys to school I got home went up to bed to sit and relax under the covers (as it is a beautiful day outside but bloody cold) and read my Slimming magazine and it got me more and more inspired and also made me feel guilty for not going to my PT but hey... I don't do it often and I have done three days of exercise this week already (can you tell I feel guilty he he).
I had a beautiful hour in bed reading the magazine then had to get up have a shower and take mum to bingo (OMG I love Friday's when I can do that and actually have the time to myself) I don't usually get time JUST ME... there is always mum, kids and hubby over or I am out.
I have been craving salmon for days and keep putting it off because it is expensive and we have to watch our pennies but today I went and did the meat shopping for the fortnight and thought BUGGER this I am going to get a salmon fillet. I got a premade salad (I didn't put the dressing on though) and I put the salmon fillet in the George Forman with mushrooms and lots and lots of garlic and left it there for 4 minutes hmmmmm so this is what it looked like. But as usual my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I got too much Salmon so I saved a big and gave a bit to the cat as he was bugging me while I was eating it he he he.
I then came here to the computer and I have a little camera on my computer and decided to do a video of how I am feeling and then in a month I think I will do it again. Sometimes it is nice to see the face and hear the words as well. I don't think I am game yet to put it up online because I hate the way I talk and act when I know someone is watching it... does that make sense and for some reason I sigh a lot on it and my eyes water... I hate being watched he he he even if it is just by me.. I know I am a strange wee chicky.
Anyway I better get some Papaya work done or I won't have a business he he he... putting things off this week and I shouldn't!
Will update later.....
Update::::: I don't know how ChrisH does it.. I never know what to say later on he he he and the rest of my day wasn't that exciting either. Got mum from Bingo and she won $30 and I picked up the boys and a friend of Corbin's they came back for afternoon tea and then I took them up to the playground and I had to tell some other boys off (only about 6 & & years old) for their fowl language about 4 times it was disgusting.
Hubby got home at 5.10 and we went for a walk together and took the video's back and walked the long block and got some more videos as tv sucks tonight. It was a nice walk.
We are watching Brothers Grimm tonight and I am not sure I like it... quite a strange movie for being in the comedy section... it is more like a horror it is spooky and weird... sometimes I wonder if this people that class movies were on drugs or something.
Hubby is making me a Mocha Frappe (with water not milk) tonight at home hmmmmm.... I wanted a coffee but not a hot one and I love the Mocha Frappe's at Esquires.... I limited myself to only 2 V's a week and 3 coffees a week... then I am going to get rid of the coffees and slowly wean myself off them (cross fingers).
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Woohooo I love Thursday and Friday's
I have been good with food today. I have been eating when I feel like I need it and not when I think I should... I did this a couple of weeks ago and had a really good loss.
I helped out in Quinn's classroom this morning with spelling and he is getting so much better and thinking about the sounds it is great to see the difference. The kids in his class are really nice kids and I quite enjoy testing them on a Thursday morning.
After that I went home and got Mum and we went to Spotlight and got some beads and I brought some things to go for my business for kids party invites. I have one party invite to finish before this weekend and so I am stressing about it but hey.
Sushi for lunch mmmmmmmm
After lunch I met the other mums for our weekly coffee at our local coffee shop (down the street from the school he he he) and we chatted for an hour and I gloated about Corbin being in the GATE program and they were sooo great about it. One of the lady son is Corbin's best friend and I reckon in a month he will be tested to be in the GATE program too because he is a bright boy too...
One of the mums hubby suprised her by saying next week they are going to Melbourne for 4 days for their 10 year wedding anniversary and he has organised everything including the kids being with people as well... it was sooo nice to hear. He is a lovely guy (quite a yummy looking man, and a fireman too) I am really pleased for her.......
Got the boys from school did their homework and then went to soccer practice and then came home, cooked dinner, got the kids in to the shower, took mum to bingo and then played with the boys in the playroom and now they are in bed, hubby is at Trivial Pursuit and Mum and bingo and I am watching the biggest loser...
OMG my day was full on.. it might not sound like it but I am shagged and I haven't even done any exercise. But I do have my PT tomorrow with Joy and I am looking forward to that.
The support in the last couple of days has been wonderful and that is the reason that I am still blogging and still reading blogs and I think that if I didn't have this group then I would have given up by now. I honestly think the reason I am still here is because of all of you!!! In the two years if I had troubles or was indecisive you were there for me and I do thank you all for that....
OMG I went to the gym last night for my kickboxing class and as I said last night I went because Debbie asked for us to go... So I went... but as usual she didn't even bloody turn up... why can't I learn? I was sooo pissed that I txtd her and said "Not going to kickbox class with you again. 10th time you haven't turned up, didn't txt me to say you weren't coming." She text back to say that she didn't think I would want her coming to class crying.
I thought OMG and wrote back "a sorry I won't be there would have been the polite thing to do" as I had to tell her how I was feeling and then I said "so why were you crying" she said he was having trouble with her kittens causing trouble at home and she is behind on her assignments. I was a bit harsh but said OMG you are single... get off the tv and do your homework.. she could be doing it at lunch time like all the other girls at work but no she is reading magazines. I said to her that she needs to get her priorities right and sort it out because sitting there crying wasn't going to help and she didn't have anything but work and home in her life so really she had no excuse for not doing her homework...
Last Wednesday (Anzac day) she phoned saying her computer wasn't working and her assignment was due tomorrow... I said to her "OMG so why are you doing your assignment the day before?" She said she only wanted her computer fixed so she could email her tutor and say she wouldn't be handing it in and wanted my husband to come and fix it....
He told her he couldn't fix it she would have to go and take it in to get fixed (which wouldn't happen on a stat day) I offered for her to have our old computer to do her assignment and she said "if you bring it over" I gave up then. She knows at least a month before it is due and there is no excuse. It is the second time since February that she hasn't done her assignments. I said NO I am going out and said I have to go... OMG if she really wanted to get her assignment done she would have said "I will be there in 5 minutes" GEESH
I know I sound harsh but OMG I am sorting out a new business, two kids, homework, work, hubby, soccer practices, soccer games, personal training, gym, weight watchers, taking my mum around, chores around house, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, sorting out kids to go to guitar lessons and she can't cope with two kittens and one assignment a month or six weeks before it is due. OMG I just wanted to slap her and say OHHHH WOE IS ME!!! get off your fat arse and do your study!!!!!
I now know why she is single and a big girl... she is lazy and all the excuses in the world aren't going to help.
Can I ever find normal friends? Or am I being harsh? I just want a friend that will listen to me and I listen to them and support them and they do it in return... For us to go for a coffee and to be normal.... why can't I have a friend like that. It seems the only true friends I have are online and there for me and comment and listen and help!!! Why aren't you all here in my town!!!!?????
I have had a craving for sushi lately yummm
I so hope that this week I can lose at least 500 grams and get back on to it....
Love ya all
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
I changed things and went back to my kickboxing class on Monday as I felt better with my back and thought it was time to get back in to it. Hubby said even though I had a blow out on the weekend the rest of the week was good and I am also putting back on muscle that I had lost with being out of action for a month and I have been walking every night and doing my personal training so.... it was just the weekend and I shouldn't complain.
- So I went to the kickboxing on Monday (as I said)
- I went for a walk/jog last night woohooooo I walked one pole jogged the other pole then rested while hubby caught up as he couldn't jog with his back.
- Hubby and I have diaryed our time on Friday to sort out the food situation and make a proper list.
- I have been drinking my water...
- So this week is going to be a doozy... I am going to catch up.
I gained 500 grams last night at Weight Watchers and I thought it was going to be like a kilo or more but it wasn't so that was all good. I know a gain isn't good but hey...
I was a grumpy cow in my posts and I do realise that sometimes reading posts like that you just want to jump in the screen and slap the person.
I have also realised that it was a week before my monthly and maybe that is why I wanted to snack all the time. It will be interesting to know what happens next month... and if so I have to work out some strategies aye.
The reason I haven't posted is because I have been busy with the soccer practices and walking and the gym that I haven't been much on the computer. I have tried to comment on a couple but haven't been able to... I still love you all though and tonight I am going to try and get up to date with you all... don't forget me aye he he he
I have to get a hair cut this week OMG it is driving me insane.. I haven't had one in over 3 months GEEESHHHH and that is soo not like me. It will only be a hair trimthough because I am trying to grow it.... but the fringe is just atrotious he he he.
I did have a bit of a rowl with Debbie last night at Weight Watchers... there was a new lady there and she was asking me all these questions on how much I have lost etc so I took out my comparision photos to show her and Debbie piped up and said "God you aren't bringing those photos out again are you?" I said to her "Yes and I am damn proud of them Debbie... do you have a problem with that?" she shut up after that.
Sometimes I wonder if she has manners up her arse!!
I wasn't showing her the photos just the lady that asked.
Then Debbie said to the lady "she won't mention her weight because she isn't telling anyone" in this tone and I said "NO because some people make it a competition"
OMG this poor lady must have thought that we were teenagers... I was just tired of the little comments and usually I let them slip but after gaining I wasn't in the mood for it.
After the meeting Debbie litterally shoved her weight loss book in my face and said "see how much I have lost"
I said "No Debbie I don't want to know!!! I don't mind knowing if you got to a milestone that is fantastic but I don't want to do this..." she walked off in a huff
I turned to her and said "Do NOT get in a huff with me I am not playing this game... I have explained so many times what I feel about this and you keep on going on and I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN"
She apologised but OMG how many times do you tell a girl that you don't want to compete without getting sooo frustrated. She makes me sooo fucken mad. I really enjoy her company but this constant badgering me about what weight I have lost is doing my head in and I think last night was just the last straw...
It was sooo nice to have my Weight Watcher ladies back.. OMG I don't want them to go away ever again... I missed them so much as the lady that took over Sucked big time.
Anyway tonight is another kickboxing night and Debbie has asked to go so that should be good.
Oh and Helena if you are reading this... I think I have organised for the Monday for you to go to the class... not sure if it will cost $10 or not but I am working on it he he he as they do do casual ones.
Anyway I will update later as I am at work and really need to get back to it.
Love ya all and I do SOOOOOOOOOOOOO appreciate the comments and have taken it all in and love you all dearly.
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
I have no excuse for the gain that will happen tonight... I am just unhappy because I really wanted this challenge to get my arse in to gear and I have fallen off after only two weeks.
I just wanted to be able to lose the 5 kilos in the 10 weeks ya know.. I wanted something to kick me off.
I guess I am bored!!! and that isn't an excuse either..
- I am bored with dieting.
- I am bored with tracking.
- I am tired of worrying about what I eat.
- I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly watch the scales.
- I tend to want food that I can't have even though I don't want it.
- I am soooooo tired of being a moaner.
- I wish there was a magic pill.
- I know I have to be realisitic and it isn't going to come off by magic.
- I am tired of feeling like I am losing a battle... and that others are soo more on to it than me.
- I hate feeling sorry for myself.
- I look back on the last year and I was crap at the losing weight.
- I DON'T want to give up but feel like I am going to.
What keeps me motivated? I am not sure!! and I suppose I have to find out what that is.
I think I am trying too many different things to lose the weight and not sticking to anything that things are going right.
I am finding now that when I do more exercise that I am wanting more food and I should be trying to eat good wholesome food but what I am grabbing for is bread.... bread.... and more bread.
I want to find something that I am comfortable with and that I can stick out more than 2 weeks.
I want it to feel normal and for it to feel that I am leading a normal life and not to think think think about it... and I know that for me to loose weight that I have to think about it.... can't win really.
I have this pit in my stomach and I don't want to go to Weight Watchers tonight!!! I feel like I am going through the motions but it isn't clicking with my head. I don't want to go to Weight Watchers only because I am spending money and really not getting anywhere fast...
I am not wanting to not go to Weight Watchers because of the leaders... because they are wonderful... but is Weight Watchers helping me? I feel like I am spending money to weigh in and I can weigh in and know what my weight is at home. I know what I should be doing... well I should after 2 years...
Tell me what you all think? Is it worth keeping on with Weight Watchers just because I adore the leaders? I stay for the meetings but am I listening or am I getting frustrated that all these wonderful ladies are losing this weight and what is their secret and I am doing FUCK all.
I have also found that I have been doing more exercise and I am not losing as well but I love doing the exercise... why is it that something you enjoy and that is supposed to be good for you isn't helping in the one thing you want.... and it is supposed to help with the weight loss.
I worked my butt off last year with exercise and triathlons, boot camps, tough guy/gal challenges and I didn't loose much weight... why grrrr??? because I can't figure it out! I can't work out if I am doing too much exercise and is this hindering my weight loss? Or am I not doing enough cardio? or weights?
I know that it isn't just exercise and that food is a big part but I am keeping within my points and varying my food... so the reason for it I just don't know.... I am getting myself in such a tizz about it..
It feels like one week on a high next week on a low... and HATE living my life like this.
I do know that all of you are going through the same thing and if there was a magic cure then you would be doing it as well....
Sometimes I feel like eating salad every meal and slowly I will lose the weight or doing the shake for breakfast lunch and dinner and then I wouldn't have to worry about what I am eating... or maybe stop eating altogther.
I know it is a head space thing!!! I do realise this!!! just how to get my head around it every week instead of feeling like I am bi-polar and one week I am high and the next just normal and then the next on this extreme low and not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone or even get out of bed!