Sunday, 27 December 2015


I need to work out how to get back to me. Back to when I was blogging with Chubbymum at the start. Been talking to J and he said it was when I was blogging and letting it out and also chatting to others and reading weight loss blogs that I lost the weight.

I know how hard it was last time and that is what is stopping me.  I did so much to lose the weight but I need to learn how to make it a life style change and not just to get to the stage where I felt great but then thought I could relax and it would be fine.

It wasn't fine.

Why is food so important?  I know that it isn't that important other than for energy but I feel that I am being deprived if I don't have what I want when I want.

Yesterday (boxing day) J and I got up early and went for a 50 minute walk at 9am OMG it was stinking hot then imagine what summer is going to be like.  I was puffing and sticky and hot and felt horrible but it felt good to do it.  I did 10,075 steps yesterday and I know normally I can't even get to the 5,000 steps.  My aim is for 6,000 each day but if I do more then that is a bonus.

I have 2 weeks off and in those 2 weeks I want to feel better.  See the problem with me is when it is hot I give up.  It is too hot and I am uncomfortable and I chaff that I give up.  I have got a treadmill and I have got DVD's that I can do so I need to do that.

With J making his own alcohol at home now I think we have had too much of that too and it isn't good.  A glass of honey bourbon every night not good at all.  So going to cut that out.

When I was losing weight I stopped doing my crafts because for some reason I can't seem to concentrate on one thing at a time.  I feel guilty being in my craft room as I should be doing more exercise and reading about weight loss and so I need to work out how (In my head) I can let myself do the craft as long as I have done some exercise.  But if I haven't reached the 10,000 steps then I can't seem to let myself relax to do crafts.

For people my size they will understand that 10,000 steps and you are buggered for the rest of the day WEEK lol.

If you have lost a lot of weight and have kept it off... please please comment on my blog and give me some pointers.

Monday, 14 December 2015


I have sat here a couple of times wanting to write in my blog but not knowing what to say.

It used to be so easy to write here and life was great.

J and I had a bath after work tonight (now now get your mind out of the gutter) and I broke down as I am so depressed about my weight.

What happened to me?  I put it down to work work and my work but really it is me.

So starting tonight I am tracking (well I tracked my day today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was) and I am going to pre-track for the next day so I know what I am preparing so that I don't just eat off the hop.

I want my mind to flip and switch in to the losing weight mode.

I don't have the motivation and I don't know how to get it back.

I am doing 50 to 60 hours a week at work and I know that I need to stop that and get on with my life but when you get to 45 years old the fear of losing my job and not being able to find one scares the living crap out of me.

I realized tonight I don't know how to lose weight.  I know I lost that weight but I don't actually know how I did it.  I mean really how did I do it? I don't get what my head was thinking.  I know my blog helped me a lot and I stopped doing that too.

I am afraid of everything..
I am afraid to die,
I am afraid to lose my job.
I am afraid of losing my mum as I went through hell when I lost my dad.
I AM SOOO AFRAID of losing my best friend and soul mate my hubby.
I am scared that I haven't done enough to make sure my boys will be successful in life.
I am afraid of what people think.
I am afraid of people not liking me.
I am afraid to succeed.
I am afraid I will never lose the weight because I don't know what it is like to be skinny.

AFRAID of everything.
Image result for weight loss
I can't work out if I go for the goal of thinking of 5 kgs lots or think about the whole picture.  The problem is that before when I lost the weight I wanted to get to 119.9 and I got there and then I couldn't get my head in the right space to get lower and then with everyone else I gained and gained because I got to where I thought I wanted.

I know what you will say is that I need to be changing my lifestyle and so I won't gain because it will be a lifestyle change.  Well I thought I had done that too but he has crept back.

Not sure what else to say.

Good night

Saturday, 13 June 2015

So many things in this post

A work mate of mine that hasn't been with us long I am finding is a great influence on me.  

She is eclectic... I think that is what you call her.  I love that she is.  I love that she is different and that she is true to herself no matter what others say.  I look at my clothes and wish I was more pretty.  I put on the clothes and look in the mirror and I think I feel pretty and then I get to work and catch a glimpse in the front door (as it is glass) or the mirror in the toilet at work and I feel so fat and so frumpy.

My work mate is in to the pinup clothing like the photo below:

I am not saying that I want to wear this clothing but I am saying I want to feel pretty and I want others to think that I am pretty.

She is a year older than me and has only realised in the last couple of years what she likes and goes and gets it.

So what I want is not to be skinny but to be happy.  I was happy at 119 kgs and maybe I could get down to 99 kgs but I want to feel that vibrancy again.

I went out today and brought myself a Garmin Vivosmart as my fitbit just was not helping because I put it on my bra and then it went through the wash and ruined it.  I have brought 2 of them grrrrr and it is costing me too much.  So this time I went with a Garmin.  Only had it today but it is so cool it does my steps and sleep patterns and also controls my music on phone and texts that come through I can read them.

It makes me get up when it sees that I have been sitting too long.

I want to make a better me but I don't want to be skinny.  I have to get my head right.

I know I have to get my head right... I know this.... but how to I don't know.... I can't seem to stop myself from eating terrible things at work.  

I think maybe my self esteem is just too low that I can't work it out.  I need to find a way to turn me around.

My first two steps are to track and to do at least 6000 steps a day.  Doing 6,000 steps is hard with my job and I work like 60 hours a week.

Ohhhh forgot to say that my work FINALLY got me on to this project I have been wanting to do.  I thought one lady was stopping it but she wasn't and for 8 months she said she has been trying to get me on her team.  This new opportunity is going to really make me know things that others don't and make me maybe a little indispensable.  

First I have to audit this new part of our company and see if two workers there are worth being there and if they are doing the right thing.  I have to work out their systems so that I can train others in another part of New Zealand so that I have the knowledge to change others the right way.  I know that is confusing but I cannot say what it is.....

So.... the only problem is that I lose some of my work to hmmmmm not so competent people and that is doing my head in and some of the admins are not happy that I am losing them.  But I need this challenge... 

Ok ... so I need to work out how to take on this work challenge and also to lose this weight and also to have time with my family as I am not balancing that well right now.
  • Work
  • Kids
  • Hubby
  • Mum
  • Crafts
  • Eating right
  • Exercise
  • Dog
  • Friends
  • Blogging
Need to think about how I can balance my life.

Night night

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Keep on tracking on lol

Better today with tracking and I even had points left over to be able to make a bread and butter pudding as we hadn't had a dessert in ages.

I tracked.  I pointed and I knew what I was eating today..... soooo great feel better.

Thanks for you comment yesterday Tracy. You made me think about things and that I need to stop and move on and stop dwelling about my mistakes and I did.

Work was ok and really busy as it is one of the three times a year we are really busy and life gets hectic.

I need to make sure I track what I am going to be eating before I eat because when I am rushed that is when I am making bad choices.

I want to be looking and feeling happier for our 20th wedding anniversary in November.  I need this.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Monday, 1 June 2015


Stopped blogging and feel guilty.  Feeling guilty because with such a full on weekend with Q and his inline games the food sucked I didn't care and I should have cared.

How do I get back to caring. I want to eat these terrible fast foods but when I do I realise that is wasn't as good as I thought it was.

I have been reading Sean back when he started losing the weight again realise that other people have lost weight and gained it and managed to lose it again.

Why is it that some people can eat anything but they don't gain yet I do the same and I gain like thousands of kilos.

I don't have any goals and keep trying to make them but there is nothing I am passionate about to lose the weight for.

I suck at this at the moment.

The exercise I have down but I don't have the food down.....


Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Positive day at work today

Positive day at work today.

A lady that works in our office is out on holiday and has been for the last 2 days and it has been quiet and brilliant and we are loving it.  Sick and tired of her telling us to be quiet when she talks all day about her kitchen.  I don't think she means to be the way she is... she just is but it really changes the tone of the office and most people don't like being there so they find other things to do out of the office.

I found out today that one of the bosses in our head office wants me to help on a project and my boss doesn't want to let me... others think my boss doesn't want to lose me but she is stopping me learning new things and it doesn't mean I can't come back to my job but the possibilities for growth....arrghhhhhh.

Long weekend this weekend yayyy I am looking forward to it.

Short post tonight.

Night night

Update: Read a great post tonight.  I am keeping to my word of reading more about weight loss and reading weight loss magazines so that I keep going.  I read this post today and it touched a chord.  Thanks Sean you are an inspiration.

Night night again.

Monday, 25 May 2015


Work today was a lot better.  One of the ladies I work with was away and the office was so much lighter.

The weekend food sucked to be honest and the terrible weather made it harder to keep to it.

The decluttering was great and better than sitting on the couch doing nothing.

I am getting better and blogging again and knowing that I need to get it out.

Maybe that is what the secret was for me was blogging.

I want to lose this weight so much.  I feel like it isn't going fast enough but I need to go back to basics and realise that it didn't come off that fast the last time and so it won't come off fast this time.

It is frustrating... so frustrating and I have spent the night looking for blogs that were inspiring but got more and more frustrated because these wonderful ladies and men have lost the weight and they are inspiration but I want someone that is going through losing the same amount of weight as me and to go through it with them.  I can't seem to find anyone just starting out..... and needs encouragement. The web is so big.... hate it!!!

I am struggling tonight so much. I don't actually know what to do.

I want to go in the kitchen and eat food but I know it isn't what I really want.  I am wanting to eat the food because I am bored.

Anyone else going through the same thing?

Sunday, 24 May 2015


Feels great to be blogging again.

As I have said before I have been so hesitant to go back in to blogging.

Late yesterday decided to go through my clothes drawers upstairs and declutter them.

I am loving this book I brought this week called Lose the Clutter Lose the Weight.  Finding that is is making so much sense.  I feel happier with cleaning the drawers upstairs and my bedroom is looking so much better. Need to work on the walk in closet next.

Got up early this morning as Quinn had an Inline Hockey game at 8.30 am and they won their game 8 to 0.  Fantastic game.  His team is the top team for his age in the club and it is fantastic to watch them working as a team and passing and doing little maneuvers to get the puck around.  I was so proud of Quinn.

Groceries today sigh.... hate doing groceries

This afternoon we had out lunch at the breakfast bar and the boys were chatting about things that have been happening.  It is great that we can sit around like that and enjoy each others company.  I do love my boys they have grown up to be such great boys.

We decluttered again lol lol this afternoon.  Decided to get in to the garage and get rid of crap.  So gratifying and the garage is clean and the area around the treadmill and weights machine is free now so Quinn and I can get in there to do a workout.

So excited about getting back in to it.  I have to take it easy though because last weekend I went upstairs to get my tracksuit pants and tshirt on and pulled my back out just putting the pants on OMG what a nightmare.  I thought the world was against me when I finally wanted to get out and go for a walk with the dog and get some exercise.  It scares me to think how my back went out with such a small thing.

HI>>>> Tracy... great to have you commenting again.  It is great to see you have a blog now.  Hi Jackie.  Are you blogging again as well?

Pork roast for dinner tonight and looking forward to it as I worked hard today.

Night night

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Horrible rainy day

Horrible day today and it is raining outside.  Went to get the marbles but found some blue stones instead that I really like but the vases I got were too big sigh... spent money on something I shouldn't have.  So have to go out tomorrow and find the right jars to use.

So below is Corbin and Ashley playing play station. They went to the movies this morning to watch Pitch Perfect.  I can't believe they are 16 in another couple of months and they have been friends for such a long time.  Since they were 5 years old. I am not sure if they are still going out or not because they seem to be spending so much time together and last night they went the the roller disco (where Quinn DJ's).

I will have to put a photo up of Quinn as he has grown so much.  Both my boys are so much taller than me now.  Quinn has a girlfriend called Maddy (think it is short for Maddison) and last night was there 2 month anniversary apparently.  She gave him a present.  He got chocolates, muffins and she brought him this really trendy shirt. Wow.... she is 15 and for only being together for 2 months she gets him a shirt.  He loves it and is wearing it today out.  

He felt guilty so he went out with me today and saw a soccer ball (that when they went shopping last week she adored) so he brought it for her.  That is so sweet.

I haven't met her yet but have seen her at the inline rink.  Quinn plays for the top team in "The Devils" inline hockey team for his year and she is the goalie.  It is a brutal game but he loves it and I love watching it.  Quinn used to play soccer but it was always raining and with inline hockey we get to stay inside for games....soooooo much fun.

The only problem is that he is at Inline Hockey every day apart from Tuesdays. He plays for the club, Boys High and Refs games and DJ's for the Roller Disco (gets paid for the Refereeing and DJing).

Friday, 22 May 2015

Weigh in day

It was a long day travelling to conference today and got up at 4 am as we need to travel by 6 am.

First things first woohooo I lost weight this week wohoooooo

Last week: 141.7 kg
This week: 140.3 kg
Lost: 1.4 kg wohoo

The conference was great.  I got so many compliments from Business Mangers and my boss as well re my work and getting to be asked to do more senior stuff now.  Going to head office on the 4th to deal with the end of funding as my boss said yesterday she classes me as senior staff and so things are going really well with that.

In the conference yesterday a lady that went with us said that at her table when they were chatting (as they mixed us all up yesterday) with a Business Manager from my region that the Business Manager pointed at me and said to the table "she doesn't realise how good she is and I need to work out a way to get it in to her head" WOW..... that was really nice.... I felt really great when the lady at the table said what was being discussed.

Was asked to get up and present a thank you gift to the speaker today and I was so nervous about it but it went ok.

Got to get together with friends that I haven't seen in a while at the conference and the day went really well.

Food was ok and didn't go overboard

J brought me a case for my 8* tablet yesterday and I am loving it as it is easier to hold it when in bed and also protects it a lot more.  I am on it now blogging.  The little keyboard is fantastic.

Anyway off to read some blogs.
Have a great day

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Little by little

I want to blog each day if I can.

Feeling good about my choices this week even though I have a terrible cold.

I brought a Healthy Food magazine today.  I remember when I was losing the weight I was constantly reading weight loss magazine and writing in my blog and focusing on 100 grams at a time.

Chris I am going to do the jar thing it is a cool visual idea and was talking with J about it last night and he said it was a great idea.

My weigh days are Friday's.  I was 141.7 kgs (311.7 lbs) last Friday so I am hoping to be 141.2 this week or even 140.7 this week and that would be brilliant

I have found that if I don't publish my weight I can't be accountable. I want to be accountable.

I want to be back down to 119 kgs by November which is my 20th Wedding anniversary.  I was happy at 119 kgs.  I felt alive and happy and just felt like I was the real me. I know it isn't what I should be as it is still overweight but I was getting there until my head got in the way.

Sick of my head getting in the way

Going to a conference tomorrow with work.  I am looking forward to it but not... if that makes sense.  I don't know what is going happen so I am not wanting to go but I get to see a work colleague I have seen in a while so it makes me happy to chat with her again.

Weigh day tomorrow.  I hope that I remember to weigh in in the morning as I want to weigh at the same time each week so it feels right.

If you are reading please comment and I will come to your blog and read and comment too

Night night

Wednesday, 20 May 2015


I have to say thanks to Chris for the blogging about her weight loss as it has given me the kick I needed to get back on track.

Back in 2005 to 2008 we did so well as weight loss bloggers.

In 2008 I went in to a hole and gained 20 kilos back.  I started blogging again last year and had a major anxiety attack about it all when people started commenting and I gave ups AGAIN

I MEAN REALLY!!!!!! what the hell is wrong with me.

I worked so hard to get the weight off and I felt like a failure gaining back up to 140.6 kilos.  So that was last July and I am 141.7 kilos today.  I suppose the consolation is that I only gained 900 grams in almost a year but the downside is that I haven't lost in that year.

Chris has this great idea with marbles that I might steal (should have asked first Chris) but the visual made me think wow... such a great idea and maybe that will work for me.

I have a goal to get to 119 kgs by November 2015 ARGHHHHHH that is 22.7 kg's in 6 months.  The reason I want to lose that by November is that it is our 20th Wedding anniversary and J has asked if I want to renew our vows and have our special friends and family to a small ceremony and then go out to dinner.

HELL YES... 20 years married is huge deal nowadays as there are so many divorces.  I have been with J for 26 years this June but 20 years married this November and I want to wear a beautiful dress and feel pretty.

When I lost the weight previously my mum was in good health and I was a part time worker and had two little boys.  Now my boys are almost 14 and 16 and it is time to think of me and J.

My mum in 2008 found out she had diabetes and then we went through a cancer scare because of some tests (but it wasn't thank god) with her thinking that also she  might have kidney problems and life just got too hard for me.  I started having anxiety attacks and doing stupid things like avoiding anything that had to do with Dr's or medical things.  I was driving the long way around places to avoid seeing Dr surgery's.... it was stupid and I know in my head even back then it was stupid.

I cut everyone and everything out of my life.

I can't do that anymore.  I found losing weight is so much easier when you are doing it with others and supporting others and if you do then both of you benefit.

So there you have it.