It used to be so easy to write here and life was great.
J and I had a bath after work tonight (now now get your mind out of the gutter) and I broke down as I am so depressed about my weight.
What happened to me? I put it down to work work and my work but really it is me.
So starting tonight I am tracking (well I tracked my day today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was) and I am going to pre-track for the next day so I know what I am preparing so that I don't just eat off the hop.
I want my mind to flip and switch in to the losing weight mode.
I don't have the motivation and I don't know how to get it back.
I am doing 50 to 60 hours a week at work and I know that I need to stop that and get on with my life but when you get to 45 years old the fear of losing my job and not being able to find one scares the living crap out of me.
I realized tonight I don't know how to lose weight. I know I lost that weight but I don't actually know how I did it. I mean really how did I do it? I don't get what my head was thinking. I know my blog helped me a lot and I stopped doing that too.
I am afraid of everything..
I am afraid to die,
I am afraid to lose my job.
I am afraid of losing my mum as I went through hell when I lost my dad.
I AM SOOO AFRAID of losing my best friend and soul mate my hubby.
I am scared that I haven't done enough to make sure my boys will be successful in life.
I am afraid of what people think.
I am afraid of people not liking me.
I am afraid to succeed.
I am afraid I will never lose the weight because I don't know what it is like to be skinny.
AFRAID of everything.
I can't work out if I go for the goal of thinking of 5 kgs lots or think about the whole picture. The problem is that before when I lost the weight I wanted to get to 119.9 and I got there and then I couldn't get my head in the right space to get lower and then with everyone else I gained and gained because I got to where I thought I wanted.
I know what you will say is that I need to be changing my lifestyle and so I won't gain because it will be a lifestyle change. Well I thought I had done that too but he has crept back.
Not sure what else to say.
Good night
CM
2 comments:
Hang in there, don't let the fear dictate your life. Maybe you should look at seeing a counsellor to help you learn ways to cope with those fears before they take over, you have a good life, awesome kids, a great husband who all love you.
Good words Tracy, I echo them.
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