Filthy Mood

I am in the most utterly filthy mood today... I am angry, I am moody, I am pissed off with myself.

I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....

I am fooling myself that I am doing good.

I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.

I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.

I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.

I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.

In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.

Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.

I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...

I track... but I don't care!!!

Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?

Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.

I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...

I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.

YES CRAZY WOMAN TALKING HERE.

Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?

Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!

Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.

I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...

I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.

I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.

I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...

How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.

How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!

Ok I am rambling now.

Bye
CM

UPDATE:

At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.

I am taking on Abba's suggestion..

This week:

1. Drink my water
2. Smaller Portions
3. NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
4. Track on blog (honestly)
5. At least 4 hours of exercise

That is it!!!

I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.

In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.

So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!

I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.

CM

HMMMMMM Salmon

Ok... so I got a crap night sleep last night as Quinn was screaming in his bedroom downstairs and it woke me up startled (poor little bugger) but then I couldn't get any sleep as every half an hour he was up in our bed and so I let him stay there... normally I don't as I don't want it to be a habit. It was a crap nights sleep so this morning I texted Joy to say I wasn't doing my PT as I was unwell... I was telling the truth in a way but not in the right way I suppose.


I feel guilty about it because I should have gotten up BUT I DIDN'T WANNA... so I got up made the boys and me some breakfast and got money out of my purse and got them a school lunch at school.

I was sooo proud of my youngest.. he has only started school and can't read totally yet but the whole time at school filling out the lunch order he kept saying "I want an apple" and I said there is no fruit on the list then he would say "well I will have a banana" OMG I was sooo proud of him.. there were chocolate muffins and biscuits and he could have what he wanted for the first time in ages and NO he wanted healthy fruit... couldn't give it to him but I was still proud of him.

So my healthy eating is rubbing off on him when he prefers fruit to muffins woohooooo bloody woohooo.


After taking the boys to school I got home went up to bed to sit and relax under the covers (as it is a beautiful day outside but bloody cold) and read my Slimming magazine and it got me more and more inspired and also made me feel guilty for not going to my PT but hey... I don't do it often and I have done three days of exercise this week already (can you tell I feel guilty he he).


I had a beautiful hour in bed reading the magazine then had to get up have a shower and take mum to bingo (OMG I love Friday's when I can do that and actually have the time to myself) I don't usually get time JUST ME... there is always mum, kids and hubby over or I am out.


I have been craving salmon for days and keep putting it off because it is expensive and we have to watch our pennies but today I went and did the meat shopping for the fortnight and thought BUGGER this I am going to get a salmon fillet. I got a premade salad (I didn't put the dressing on though) and I put the salmon fillet in the George Forman with mushrooms and lots and lots of garlic and left it there for 4 minutes hmmmmm so this is what it looked like. But as usual my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I got too much Salmon so I saved a big and gave a bit to the cat as he was bugging me while I was eating it he he he.


I then came here to the computer and I have a little camera on my computer and decided to do a video of how I am feeling and then in a month I think I will do it again. Sometimes it is nice to see the face and hear the words as well. I don't think I am game yet to put it up online because I hate the way I talk and act when I know someone is watching it... does that make sense and for some reason I sigh a lot on it and my eyes water... I hate being watched he he he even if it is just by me.. I know I am a strange wee chicky.

Anyway I better get some Papaya work done or I won't have a business he he he... putting things off this week and I shouldn't!

Will update later.....

Love Chubbymum

Update::::: I don't know how ChrisH does it.. I never know what to say later on he he he and the rest of my day wasn't that exciting either. Got mum from Bingo and she won $30 and I picked up the boys and a friend of Corbin's they came back for afternoon tea and then I took them up to the playground and I had to tell some other boys off (only about 6 & & years old) for their fowl language about 4 times it was disgusting.

Hubby got home at 5.10 and we went for a walk together and took the video's back and walked the long block and got some more videos as tv sucks tonight. It was a nice walk.

We are watching Brothers Grimm tonight and I am not sure I like it... quite a strange movie for being in the comedy section... it is more like a horror it is spooky and weird... sometimes I wonder if this people that class movies were on drugs or something.

Hubby is making me a Mocha Frappe (with water not milk) tonight at home hmmmmm.... I wanted a coffee but not a hot one and I love the Mocha Frappe's at Esquires.... I limited myself to only 2 V's a week and 3 coffees a week... then I am going to get rid of the coffees and slowly wean myself off them (cross fingers).

Goodnight!!!

Thanks for reading.

Chubbymum