They both came around last night to talk to Debbie and I and it sort of mainly revolved around me so for that Debbie I am sorry.
I try so hard with the food that I didn't know what to do and these wonderful ladies came around and we chatted from 7.30 to 11pm OMG 11 o'clock and I sort of didn't want to end as they really made me think. What WW leaders would do that for anyone? They are the most amazing ladies. I envy their friendship (in a nice way of course) and what they have a achieved and what they will achieve in the future.
There was sooo many things that came out of this meeting that I thought about the whole night and even when I got up for Lean this morning I was thinking about it.
I am too strict on myself. I have plans on what I should eat and can't grasp the idea that I can have treats. Even restaurants we choose are good ones or I feel like I will go off the rails but it isn't working for me. The strictness is not working so I have a challenge of going and having butter chicken for dinner this week (not to go overboard) but I don't eat things that I enjoy anymore. I have had my life consumed by sticking to the plan and maybe it isn't working.
I went to Wellington in September/October and I wasn't fussy with my food and ate what I wanted and had treats and I still lost... maybe the reason being that my body needs it and until last night I didn't realise that..
The other thing that is becoming prominant to me while they were talking last night is that I am trying to please everyone else but myself. I do a lot of things that really I don't want to do but I am doing it (and realised this morning while talking to Debbie) that I do it because I want the recognition and for Crusher to say "OMG you are fantastic" when I don't need to have that recognition and really I don't want to be running because I am finding that my knees are just getting worse and worse and everytime I say to her they are hurting I can feel that she is thinking I am using it as an excuse.
Just like this morning it was pouring down with rain at Lean and I was thinking OMG thank God that we won't be going outside for another one of our walks again and what happened is that we went outside under the eaves and did leg kicks and stair climbing and squats and walking all with our legs and I was F&*(n sore again afterwards. I was soooo angry. I was angry as my knee isnt getting better and I was angry because my group isn't the same anymore.
I used to feel safe in this group... safe that these were friends and we laughed and had fun and did exercise at the same time. But now we don't have that anymore... we have a lot of new people and we have Sgt Major in there and it isn't the same anymore and I am holding on to this group because of the past that isn't there anymore.
I hated it this morning and finally realised it this morning. I hate paying money to go out and walk and be behind everyone else and feel like I am doing the same old same. OMG I can save my money and go for a walk by myself and do what we have been doing in the last 8 weeks and not get abused (by Sgt Major) for it.
I hate the mentality that men have... where they think "Oh I am your trainer and you must abide by me like you are my slave"... it doesn't fit well with me. I used to get bossed around by teachers at school and not encouraged and so going and doing that and paying money for it just isn't right. Why didn't I see that till this morning? Maybe I didn't see it till I was talking to the WW ladies last night to realise that I wanted it to still be the same as it was when we first started Lean and realistically it can't be the same.
I think the hardest part was that I can do this without going to Lean and why didn't I think about this before..? Why didn't I realise that I can lose this weight and I don't have to stay with the same thing. I lost my first 20 kilos WAYYY before Lean and ok I am fitter but I am not where near where I want to be in my weight loss.
I lost the majority of my weight before I went to Lean through twice a week kicking boxing and totally focussed on Weight Watchers. So maybe I need to get back to the basics.
Debbie said this morning that she would do anything as long as we were doing it together and that if not going to Lean was the thing then she would do it.
I broke down and cried and said that I didn't know if leaving Lean was good because if I left it and then something happened where she pushed me aside like Kris did I don't think I could pick myself up again.
I HATE losing friends (even though now I realise Kris wasn't my friend and I am glad that I ended it and that I didn't return her calls).
I have been holding back on the frienship with Debbie because of not wanting to get hurt again... not wanting to have to pick up the pieces or change my ways of doing things to avoid her like I am doing with Kris as even going to take the boys to school now is difficult because Kris is there... I couldn't also do that with work it would be just too hard.
Pooring your heart out to friends is the hardest thing because if the friendship breaks up then those friends know what gets to you etc... even though I must admit Kris didn't know half the things I felt because I never got the chance to confide in her because we were always solving her problems.
Kris hurting me twice has made me scared to make new friendship for the fear of being hurt... it is like being FAT all over again where I avoid it because it is better than the hurt.
I have my last event with Lean this weekend and that is our triathlon:
- 12km walk
- 12km bike ride
- 4000 mtr Rower
- 50 push ups
- 50 sit ups
I want to be in the teens....
I have 4.6 to get to the teens so that is all I am focussing on right now getting rid of those 4.6 kilos.
So since daylight savings is here this is my week from Monday:
Monday: Rest day after the Triathlon
Tuesday: Gym with Debbie and no Lean
Wednesday: Might meet Debbie at her place and go for a long walk
Thursday: Get up early and go for a walk with Debbie
Friday: Personal Training with Crusher
Saturday: Recover from Gym Christmas Dinner I think
I am going to have 1 treat this week on Saturday night (which is our 11 year wedding anniversary) and that is to have Butter Chicken.
I am going to have a REAL sandwich this week and not just wraps and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.
Karen and Kylie thank you for last night!!! You don't know what a relief working all this out is doing for me... it feels like I am living again and I am doing this for me again and not for all the other people (that mean well).
Deb's thanks for listening to me while I was upset this morning.. you are true friend.
Also thank you to all of you out there commenting and reading because without it I don't think I would have made it this far and I would have kept it all in.
P.S Rachel I missed you while you were on holiday girl! ;-)
Karen woohooo on your beautiful baby daughter... you will rock at being a mum hun.