Monday, 27 November 2006

Private - Comments and feeling down

I have lost motivation in the last 2 days.

I have eaten whatever I liked and felt like crap!! I have done the wrong thing and my weight loss is going to suffer on Tuesday and everytime I look at Debbie I can see the weight falling off her!! It bloody sucks is all I can say and it is making me feel even more down in the dumps.

I know it is my fault and not hers because I have to sort it out in my own head

Berry Smoothie

Morning Tea
Vege chips (3.5 points)

1 roll
Left over casserole
Ginger Crunch (OMG I shouldn't have eaten this).

I have had two bottles of water though.. but that isn't a consolation.

I miss posting... but I am scared to post because things are getting back to Daniel and others and I am not sure who the culprit is and I am not happy about it.

I went to the gym yesterday and Hubby and I met Debbie there but I wasn't in to it and I hated it to tell the truth... I didn't want to anything.. I don't want to go tonight and feel the same way. I want to go and work my arse off and stop being negative. I know what Crusher means when I start getting negative it is a bad thing for me... it hinders me and I don't want it to.

At weight watchers I weigh 123.8 and I have to get under the 120's.. OMG what is stopping me I know I can do this and in the last couple of weeks I have proven it but I tend to do really well one week and then the next I think hmmm I am doing well lets cheat a little. But then when I am too strict I can't seem to lose the weight either.

I am making myself soooo upset over this bloody piece of ginger crunch and I want to talk to someone about it but then I don't want to tell anyone that I brought it and then sat in the car where no one could see me to eat it.. how desparate and strange is that?

I have so many comments saying that I should confront Daniel about all this but I don't want!! I shouldn't have to explain myself... I don't honestly care what he thinks. I have not said anything that would have hurt him I feel. I have said I didn't want him as a trainer and he wasn't right for me but that is it and if he is going to listen to Kris about this then he is a fool and that is the end of that subject.

Now on to this business... What am I to do? I am being lazy and not going fast on buying this franchise business because of being scared... OMG I can do this!! What is stopping me. It is a good business and money is coming in so why am I scared... maybe because my mum always makes me feel like I should never take risks so I don't and I have had that drummed in to my head since I was little so any challenge is making me more and more doubt myself. I did that with my jobs too... I always stuffed up and I always did as little as possible in my job and so that stuffed things up for me. I sucked in Advance investments... I couldn't get anything right. I was a bad employee in Payments and Fraser knew that and deep down I knew it too. I just wanted the money but didn't give a damn about the job.

Why do I do it I don't know! I don't want to be a stuff up... and I want to succeed but using my families money to do this business and then not doing it right that I loose the business then I am going to have my family know that I am a screw up.

Positive Positive is what people keep on saying to me... obviously I don't come across as a positive person so I have to work on that. How do I become more positive?

I am being more honest now that I am not writing to everyone out there and writing in here to myself... and to be quite honest I don't know if I want to go back to public writing because then I get all the trouble happening again.

What to do? What to do?


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