Thursday, 23 November 2006

Private - How I am feeling

I have decided for myself that I need to still write in here for my benefit and only put across some things in my blog.

I am constantly feeling like I have to please everyone else.

Crusher has helped me so much with my exercise but damn it I did all the work too... wasn't like she was doing the work and I was just sitting there taking it.

I have to write what I feel so that later on I can go through the diary and learn from it.

I am angry at Crusher!! I am angry that she thinks that a year ago when both Kris and I wanted to be in the same team and she wouldn't let us because it would hinder our progress that she can think that now when we aren't talking that it is ok and how would that not hinder my progess when I am crying and angry about it... I feel it is worse not better..

So I made the decision that.. fine Kris can join the group and I will do other things. I don't want to because I love the group of people but well... obviously Kris is the one that is in the right and Crusher thinks that I am being a bitch.

I could be the better person and go but then I would be on tender hooks the whole time wanting to be better than her and pushing myself to the limits with my knee etc and I don't want that!

To be quite honest I don't want to see her ugly face or deal with her! I don't want to see others getting close to her and thinking that she has miraculously changed and how wonderful she is and how she is doing.

I am going to lose this weight.... it is a positive thing that Kris and I have stopped being friends because it has made me more and more determined to get this weight off and look absolutly stunning and looking at her and thinking YOU BITCH I did this without you... You hindered me!!! you are not worth it and you are going to be a lonely bitch all your life.

I used to write in here to get the comments and for me to feel good that others think I am great! Why would I want that? Why do I need that? Do I need the recognition so that I can lose weight?
I know that I want to lose this weight and I know that when I write in here and get comments telling me how wonderful I am doing it makes me feel good and I keep going! I need to know that I am loved!! But....

Yes there is a but! I don't have to tell them everything on how I am feeling. I had this blog because of getting it all out and I can't because there are some arseholes out there that decide to tell all.... and I think from now on I will do a private one and a public one and that way I can say what I feel and it is not going to get back to Kris.

I wrote this email today to Crusher:


I didn't want to make you angry today... but from my point of view I don't want to deal with her and for you to make me go and do that is not fair. I LOVE you dearly and you are the best thing that has happened to me but I cannot cope with having her in the team and I do realise you cannot stop people from coming in and that is fine that is why I made the decision to pull out and that is cool for me.

Until this week I was trying soooo hard to be positive and I was making it!!! It might not have showed to you but I have and this morning I did the work out and felt great that I had worked my butt off..

I know you put a lot in to the team things and I appreciate it so please don't think that I don't.

I made a choice to not have Kris in my life!! I made that choice 6 weeks ago and I have been doing so much better since. I am finally feeling like I am living my life and not hers and not having to help out with all her problems.

I am actually losing weight Joy which is my main purpose of doing all this and maybe you don't understand how I can just leave the group just because she is joining but I cannot put myself in that group with her there. I love the people in the group like they were my sisters and brothers but to me this is the best option.

I am a little hurt that she is coming to Lean but that is life and I am trying to find positive ways to spruce up my exercise.

I have NEVER said I don't like Daniel as a person!! I have said though that I don't work well with his type of training and I wouldn't choose him as a trainer for me personally. I think he would/is a good trainer for other people and does a fantastic job but for me it doesn't work!!! I prefer you IN EVERY WAY.

My blog is for me to say how I am feeling and if people will read then that is their problem. It is there for me to get it out instead of botteling it in and I don't tell many people about it because of the thing that happened this morning.

It is for me to vent!! I don't put my name in it and I don't put your names in it so that it can be read by others here in Hamilton. I don't apologise for what I say in it Joy and I told you that the day I showed you my diary. I said it twice that what I say in it is for me to get it out and have support.

I know you don't understand but for me it is better I don't go to Lean if she is there and believe me I have had a lot of tears since deciding it.

I know you have invested a lot in me and I have appreciated it but I have to invest in me too.. you know? I try my hardest and I am changing myself to try and be more positive and it will take some time. I didn't get this big by doing the right thing and being positive so changes take time.

I appreciate all you have done for me Joy and that doesn't change just because I don't want to deal with Kris. It is just going to take me time.

Love ya my friend

I wanted to write more and tell her how great my morning was with doing the workout and I felt better by doing that workout than I did with Lean and that I am sick to death of the walking back and forth and it was boring me and I didn't feel like I was getting out of it.

The fact that today I did:

10 Minutes on the bike
10 Minutes on the treadmill and every 3rd minute I ran... for 3 minutes and I feel that that was enough for an early morning
10 Minutes on the cross trainer with the level being 1 instead of 0 and I was happy with that too and my rev's were up to 68/70 too. I am going to try and improve on that as time goes on.
Then did a round of the womans gym downstairs for 15 minutes.

I know on paper it doesn't seem like a lot but I was sweating like a pig and I was feeling so high when I got out and thought that the team had already finished so we wouldn't have to see them or Crusher and feel quilty... but she came to the car and was mad!! you could see it in her face and the first thing she said was "Debbie does that mean you aren't going to come to class either" and Debbie said "No I want to do this with Mandy and we have decided to do other things" and I think that pissed her off as Crusher said "I have invested a lot in this you know and it hurts" I said to her that I didn't want to hurt her and I don't want to be in the class if Kris is there and it is nothing to do with her and not to take it personally because we love you...

Crusher said "I am not taking it personally" and she did!! she was taking it personally and then started to say well why don't you have a talk with Kris and sort it out and stop avoiding her.. Ok in her mind that is probably the solution but to me I don't want to talk to her!! I don't want to have her in my life and so it is my decision to avoid her and really she should just have to accept it.

The next thing hurt because she started to tell me what I could say in my diary. She said that Daniel has been hearing that I am writing nasty stuff about him in my blog and I don't think I had been! Firstly I said to her that I told her my blog was for me and if people don't like what I read then they don't have to read any of it.

I know I mentioned that I don't work well with Daniel and he is a good trainer for other people but not for me and the only way that he would have heard that is if fucken Kris would have told him. I don't have a problem against him personally just that I don't want him as my trainer.

So my wonderful morning turned into a nightmare as I was crying and just couldn't look at her! At that time I felt like saying stuff like this... "if it is going to cause this much stress in my life then I will not go to this fucken gym anymore as it is just not worth it. I will find somewhere else to go!"

I honestly can't take this emotional crap that is why I don't want to deal with Kris in my team.

It is sooo draining.

Went out with mum to return Corbin's costume to the hire place and OMG if Kris wasn't bloody there in front of me driving and YES she was going to the same fucken place so I made sure I went and did other things so I didn't have to deal with her as she would have driven me insane stupid cow.

Had lunch out with mum at Jester pies and that filled me up and I didn't feel like I was being bad.

Brought a really nice present for Debbie for Xmas and a box to put it in and all I need to do is find something else that will go with it so it will be nice for xmas for her.

Picked the boys up from school and chatted with some of the mums and it was nice. Wendy (Ethan and Janae's mum) and I decided to make up a little sign to ask all the mums to come to a coffee next Friday so that we can get to know each other... and so we shall see next Friday how that works out.

Now I am sitting in front of the laptop with the boys watching TV and I suppose that is too much TV for them to watch but they don't want too much so hey that is life. I should really play with Quinn as he isn't a TV kid but to be quite honest I don't like playing much and I should because it isn't fair on him but how do you change something when you aren't a playing type of person? I don't want to turn out like my mum and have no time for my kids.. I do think I am a little different from her though hmm

You wouldn't believe it but Debbie came over for dinner tonight and we took mum to Bingo and when we left our street and turned left there was bloody Kris and her family coming down our street and you should have seen Kris's face when she saw Debbie there in the front seat it was such a thrill for me! Finally I think it clicked that just because we are not friends doesn't mean that my life has stopped. She thinks that since she was not friends with me anymore that I would crumble and fall to pieces and I haven't!!! She is not worth it!

I have to keep telling myself that and this is the motivation I need to get this weight off to prove to that bitch that she is NOTHING NOTHING!!!! and I am going to lose this weight and show her she was the one hindering me. I will show her.

I have found this so refreshing being able to say what I am thinking for me and not because someone is going to read it!! What a great thing!!


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