Thoughts - and UPDATE!!!

.....................UPDATE BELOW....................

I have been thinking so much in the last week on how I can improve my food and my lifestyle change because I did rely so much on my exercise.

I must admit this year has been a bit of a downer so far because of last years achievements with all the exercise things I did I am feeling quite disoriented this year and that is why I am trying to work out ways to keep me motivated.

I am trying to gage what the feeling is when I am hungry. Because before when I thought I was hungry really I wasn't and it was just because (maybe?) I was bored etc.

So today was my first day at this. For breakfast I had left over chicken with two toast because I was in a hurry and I hate to eat in the car (I know I know people are going to say that isn't good eating in the car but when you start work at 7.30 and have to sort kids etc out then that has to happen) and it only happens some days not everyday.

I thought then I wasn't going to eat anything until I can feel it in my tummy that I needed food and I had this ache in my tummy around 10am and it was like OMG if I don't eat something NOW I would die he he he but in actual fact I knew that I wouldn't die but I don't usually let myself get to that hunger pang stage and was quite scared (if that is the word).

So I had 10 rice crackers to serve the hungry pang and I went for a walk down the road with a workmate (which we are trying to do every Mon, Tue, Wed mornings) so she could get a good coffee and I could see the sunshine (and not be stuck in my little dungeon all day he he he).

It felt good to know that I could feel that hunger pang but get rid of it by eating the right thing and not by just putting food in my mouth because it was morning tea or lunch or afternoon tea etc (which I hate doing by the way...)

I am not much for wanting to eat just because it is time and I have to... I think that is what was doing my head in last year on Joys eating plan because I was being told to do something at a certain time it made me NOT want to do it and also the food was varied enough for me. I find that when I am told to eat something I really don't want it and will try my hardest to rebel (GEESH terrible aren't I?).

So this week I am concentrating on listening to my body.

I am still going to go to Weight Watchers every week... it is a habit that I don't want to break just yet.. I do find that it doesn't feel the same anymore and that maybe because I have heard it all before and realistically I know what they are going to say and I know what I should be doing and I really need more than that... and realistically I can't get more than that because there are too many people.

I was talking to hubby about it because I don't want to waste money and I don't want to pay just for the priviledge to weigh when I can do that at home. For people that have 10 kilos to loose it isn't such a lot of money but I have been doing it for 2 years and it adds up. I know that I can't put a price on my health.. I do realise that. But I haven't been for 3 weeks because of my back and the holidays and I have managed to get myself back on track and back in the right headspace.... so I can do this without WW just that for a little while longer I don't want to do it without WW.

I am going to give it till the end of the 10 weeks and see what happens because right now I am not too sure if I am getting anything out of it. I know this sounds harsh and I know maybe some of you will disagree but I used to look forward to going to WW and I knew at the end of the meeting I could talk to the girls but I can't anymore... I don't feel like I can be free to say what I want because Debbie stands there listening and even when she can see that I don't want her to be there she hovers and I can't talk... I can't talk because... I don't know really.... because I don't want her knowing everything about me... or maybe I feel like she is taking over the one place that I TRULY felt comfortable and happy and I wasn't the FAT person anymore, and she overpowers the meeting now?

Now I feel like a little school girl. I don't mean to sound like that or to be harsh because I know that Debbie has a lot ot lose as well and she is just lonely but sometimes I just want to talk to the WW girls SOOOOO much and losing weight is such a personal thing and I HATE Debbie telling me that I should do this, and I should do that, when I see her eating chocolate and biscuits every morning tea at work it is such a contradiction in my eyes. In front of people at work saying to me I can't wait till you lose a little more so we can wear the same size clothes OMG I just wanted to slap her... I would never NEVER ever make someone feel like that and make others think that ohhh she is smaller than her that is just down right rude. So that was another reason that I didn't want to tell her my weight at Weight Watchers anymore and that if she didn't know then she couldn't treat me like crap. I even thought that I wouldn't tell the group that I had got another 5 kilos or a stone etc because I didn't want her to know.

Hubby seems to think that I am yoyoing in the last couple of weeks because if I reach that 35 kilos then I am going to have to say "I just got another 5 kilo star etc" and then Debbie would know how much I have lost. I have a feeling that hubby was right and in my subconscious I was feeling that. I don't want to sabotage myself!!! I want to lose this weight... I just need to find a way to feel MYSELF that the numbers don't matter and so what if she knows. I am not too sure what I can do about that right now.

So it is Weight Watchers tonight. I hopped on the scales this morning and they said 121.9 (200 grams up from yesterday typical being weigh in day) and this afternoon I reckon it will change again so I have to take what I get at weigh in tonight and if I gain I gain... at least it isn't as bad as it was last week with Easter etc. I mean 124.4 at home (123.6 at WW (2.7 gain in 2 weeks ouch)) and now at home saying 121.9 ... that means 2.5 kilos I have lost in the last week.. I am happy with that and even though my WW booklet won't say it I know I HAVE done really well.

So... I have my challenge starting tomorrow!!! Both Celtic girl and I are doing it and I can't wait to show a loss next Tuesday!!

I have to get to the TEENS... I am tired of saying I want to get to the TEENS and it looks like it is getting further and further away... I HAVE to do it...

So PLEASE if anyone is out there and wants to take up the Challenge... then come and do it with us. It doesn't HAVE to be 500 grams a week it can be a realistic amount for you... just come and join the 10 week challenge. And if you do!! Mention it on your blog and lets get this Challenge/Group Motivation going.

I do feel so motivated this week and I also think that is because a lot of the bloggers are feeling postitive lately too and it is catching. But we are only human and some days or weeks it just isn't the case and that is ok too... but the positiveness is fantastic at the moment.

Anyway will update you on my weigh in tonight.

I am not going to lose (by Weight Watchers scales) but I am a loser!! I am!! and I am proud that I have been good this week.

Food today:

Breakfast: 2 Sandwich Bread, Chicken
Snack: 10 Rice Crackers
Lunch: 2 Vogel bread, Chicken, Lettuce, Pickle
Dinner: Chicken breasts, Peas, Carrots, Cauliflour
Water: 1 bottle so far
( I think it is a Chicken day today.. didn't plan it really to be like that just happened but they are all done a different way so hey!!)

Took my Vitamins for the third day in a row too... I am not good at taking them... good at buying them but I am trying so hard to keep up with taking my Vitamins every morning and I am feeling better for it.

Love Chubbymum

..............UPDATE..............

Ok so my update is good as far as I am concerned... so this is how it goes.

Even though I didn't do an official weigh in last week at WW I weighed at home:

Last week at home: 124.4
Which would have been at WW: 123.6
(Usually 800 grams difference between my scales and WW)

This week at home: 122.3 (at night)
WW Official weigh in: 121.6

So... for me that is in one week
I have lost 2.1 kilos and I am proud!!!!

But..yep there is a but... by WW scales say I gained 700 grams
and I have gained 700 grams
but I still lost this week to get off the weight that I gained
with my back and bloody easter he he he.

I am really proud of myself even though I gained.. I LOST!