Contemplating life....

I have been trying not to think of weight loss in the last 3 weeks and it seems to be doing me better.....

I mean that I was concentrating on it so much that I was either being strict with my food or going over board and in the last couple of weeks I have said to myself that I am not going to track but be weary of what I am eating and also that I am not going to go overboard on the exercise as I am finding that I am feeling stressed and out of control because I am getting mad if I can't get to a class or go for a walk and life isn't supposed to be like that.

So I have been going for walks and putting my pedometre on and making sure that I make little increases on my steps each day and if I don't do many steps I am happy with that as well.

I know that I am only loosing 200 grams and 500 grams but they are losses and they aren't gains so life seems great with me with that at the moment. I still have little panic attacks on a Monday thinking OMG weigh in is Wednesday morning I hope I have lost.

I have got the dreaded monthly so I know that there isn't going to be a loss this week but that is cool. I would really really like there to be a loss but not gonna happen.

I think winter for me... I get a little overwelmed with all that is happening with soccer with the boys and having to go our separate ways to take them now and not go as a family because both of them are playing this year and also with my Papaya business and all the things I want to achieve with that and also thinking about studying a small business course to help me with the things I am not understanding and then the weight loss and also trying to find some time for my friends and for hubby too... the weight loss (in huge waves) just has to put on a slow go at the moment.

Last year I tried so hard with the tracking and the events that it really didn't get me that far in the weight loss (in the fitness it did) but I am in this for the weight loss and not the fitness at this stage... so maybe this year with focuss off the weight loss as the major major thing in my life it might be better for me.

I am finding that leaving WW was a good thing for me because I have not gained in 3 weeks since leaving and when I was going to WW I was up down up down up down so it has made my decision a lot easier.

I have also said to my PT that I am having a months break from her too because it is getting to be the same old same old and I need to refocus what I want with the weight loss and the exercise at the moment and I am not enthusiastic about going to PT sessions with her at the moment because I have been going for a year and it is another waste of money for me... so when I can sort out what I want from my PT's then I will go back and tell her what I want to achieve and how she can help me.

I always thought that if I left WW or my PT that I would gain gain gain and would stop thinking about weight loss and I was eventually gain it back. I don't think that is going to be the case with me. I know it has slowed but it is still happening and I have to really think that I have achieved something here and I am not giving up just refocussing where I am going and how I am getting there.

I have also been quite preoccupied with my friend and her break up because she is going through a rough time and she is 49 years old and it has taken her back that she is now bringing up a 6 year old and a 9 year old all by herself now and she is terribly lonely. I just need to be helping her out too. She doesn't have any family and went through a major cancer ordeal in the last 10 years too that I don't want stress to be another thing in her life to cope with without anyone supporting her.

It certainly makes me reassess my life and what would happen if J did that to me... sometimes you get so focussed on your family life and how you need to do everything for everyone in your family and one thing like the hubby leaving can really disrupt what you thought was a perfect life and that you never once had your individuality and now life will be totally different and there is not a damn thing you can do about it... scary really.

Oh and I had a text from Kris last week telling me she finally got off her backside and got a part time job... I sent a text back saying it was a pity she didn't take my advice 2 years ago. She said that she is enjoying it and she should had done it when I told her too... so I suppose that is a good thing.. the woman had too much time to sit and think of what a crap life she had but also wouldn't take advice from anyone because why would she... her hubby works two jobs so that she can go and spend it all for him on things for herself... GEESH.... I think she is finally sorting out the things in her life that just didn't work and maybe got off her lazy backside to get a life. OK enough moaning just makes me wonder... it is one thing to be at home to look after kids but when 2 are at school and the other one is always in the creche makes you wonder if she is being lazy or what ya know.

Anyway.....
Love ya all
Chubbymum

Geesh my rambling on again.

I have been confused on which plan to stick with in the last week. I have been reading Helena's bible, Step diet, Downsize me, and been thinking about Weight Watchers. OMG what is wrong with me that I can't find something that suits me. I have to stick to one and keep to it. I am missing WW but only missing the leaders and not the meeting or paying for it. I am not wanting to pay for it anymore when I know the rules but I am not keeping to it.

Why am I not keeping to it? Why have I lost my mojo? Why can't I keep to anything and do it? Am I the only person that switches so much? Do I stress too much like Lyn says? I suppose I do. Sometimes I just want a plan of the day of what I have to eat and what I have to do and that is it but then I want to rebel when I have a day where I have to do and eat from a list.

Went to my PT session with Joy today and OMG it was great and I did full sit ups 30 of them Wow I used to find it really hard to sit fully up with sit ups but I was doing ok with it today. She also made me do butt lifts too BITCH he he he but it was great to get it over and done with.

Ok so my food has been errational today as I felt sooo hungry when I got back from my PT so exucse the crap today.

Food today:
Breakfast: Fejoia Cereal 30 grams, Milk
Morning tea: Left over steak in the fridge (see told ya I was eating weird)
Lunch: 2 small bread rolls with chicken and salad, V
Dinner: Not sure yet

Why do I go through this? I am trying to understand how I think and why for the first half of the year I was doing so well and then what changed for me to suck at this?

I am not giving up and in the last couple of years I haven't but to stop losing is really getting to my head. While I was at my PT today I was getting sore arms because I was thinking of Kris's head while punching the punching bag and it made me feel great.

I want a challenge and exercise challenge so I was talking to Joy about it today because I am not with Lean I don't have any challenges and so I am not wanting to exercise etc because my team has disbanded over the last 6 months (Lean) because Kris joined I stopped going and about 6 of them don't go anymore either. Joy started a kickboxing class at the church up the hill from me and I was going to do that until Kris said she was doing it GEESH... am I stopping myself from going and losing out yes maybe I am but then I don't want have to deal with her shit anymore either ya know.

I am going to ask Debbie if she wants to go on Wednesday nights to Joys kickboxing and stuff Kris and if she gets pissed off that I am doing it with Debbie then too bad as well. I have to do something now for me and I do like Joy's kickboxing classes.

This coming week I am going to do the following exercises:

Monday: Kickboxing
Tuesday: Walk with hubby
Wednesday: Joys Kickboxing
Thursday: Go out for a walk while kids are at school
Friday: PT with Joy
Saturday: Go for a walk
Sunday: Go to the gym with hubby

I am going to up my steps too and if the weather is good at work next week at lunch time then I am going to go for a walk during the week as well.

I know what I am doing I mean for christ sake I have been doing it for 2 years... I can do this aye!! I can lose this weight I have to find something that boils my blood to make me stick to it. I don't have a goal and as those of you know that have read my blog for a while I find it really hard to find a goal that makes me go for it.

I think losing 200 grams a week for me at the moment would be a goal because then I won't feel the pressure and if I lose more then that will be bonus.

So I need constant reminders my friends to keep with this!!! To eat right and exercise and stop shovelling crap in my face. My hubby thinks I am not eating enough and that is why I am gaining but I am not sure... I get lost with the WW points in regards to exercise and whether to take them all or not. I used to do so much exercise that I couldn't eat all the exercise points.

We are taking the boys to Rock'n Roll classes tonight. Corbin had a chance to check it out at school on Thursday and they gave us a pamplet and said come along so we are going to take them tonight and see how they go. I hope there are a lot of kids their ages there and we can have some fun it should be great. I do worry about Quinn a little because he can be a cheeky monkey but when there are crowds and people he doesn't know he goes all silly and doesn't listen etc and goes shy it is soooo silly.

He he he Rachel it is such a pity you live such a way away because our sons sound like they like the same thing he he he and also the seminar (or talk not sure what they call it) was put on by Parents Inc the couple up the top of the website are the ones that do the seminar. The guy is absolutly fantastic and funny but his wife is not as funny but she knows what she is talking about. Also they do the parenting magazine and I find it really informative and I have a subscription to it because they go up to teenagers in it and not like the Little treasures magazine where it is only for babies.

So I will come back on and update and tell you how the boys went with Rock'n Roll. I want to take my camera but a little scared it is overdoing it for their first time he he he but if we go back next week then I will take it.

Anyway goodnight for now
CM

UPDATE:
Took the boys to the Rock'n Roll for kids and I swear there was about 30 kids in this little hall and there was about 15 at the start for the beginners but my two boys were the newest that started tonight so the guy was helping them heaps and they did sooooo well. Quinn is the youngest there being 5 years old and he did well too. I thought they would be shy and not do it but they got up and started and Corbin took to it like you wouldn't believe.

There was a girl there from his school and she said she had seen him at school but he couldn't remember her. Well they partnered up while he was learning and at half time Corbin was tired and had enough and she came and asked him to dance and he said No thank you OMG when the girl went I said to him "it is very rude to say no to someone that had the guts to come and ask you to dance Corbin and it was a nice thing she did"

I said to him how would he feel if he went and asked a girl and they said no" he then realised he did the wrong thing but he still didn't want to dance. I think next week he will go and ask her... she was quite cute too he he he and for her to ask him to dance she must have thought he was good he he he what a proud mummy I am.

They both want to go back next week and I am sure they will do well. I was talking to hubby and we might go on a Tuesday night to the adult lessons woohoooo some different exercise for me and for hubby and I to do something together this is going to be sooo much fun.

Thanks for listening to me today guys it is much appreciated.

Love ya all
CM

Movies

Got up at 8.30am as I was still feeling ikky with the painkillers and I think it drys me out too as I had a splitting headache but I got up and went to the gym by 9am to meet with Joy.

I wasn't allowed to do a lot by what the physio said but hey I wanted to get some exercise. (P.S I know that I could go and do swimming or aqua or something and would love to but even putting undies on is hard and have to have hubby to help so going swimming would be harder getting the togs on and off without pulling a muscle... as it is the bending that is getting me).

Anyway so I went to my PT and Joy had me on the treadmill but I think I wasn't warmed up enough for it as it was hurting a little. So she got me on the water bike with my arms for 10 minutes and that was good as I didn't feel like it was hurting and when she was chatting to me at the same time I sort of forgot that I was sore it was wonderful. After that we went and did some weights with my legs and that was fantastic as I could use my legs without it hurting my back and my calf muscle was a little tight but we stretched them and things were on a roll.

I didn't feel like I was sweating like I usually do but at least I was doing something.

It was Joy's last day at the gym (but she wasn't telling them until 5pm that she wasn't coming back) so she was pretty nervous about it all but she was also excited as she has been getting her garage all set up with gym stuff. I am looking forward to it but then scared too because I know the gym so well and feel comfortable there.

Came home got a shower ready for hubby to come home at 12 so that we could all go out for lunch and then the movies for school holidays.

We went to have lunch in town.. I had chicken kebab, the boys had subway and hubby had chinese... I reckon I chose wisely and it was yummy too.

The movie we went to see was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and it was ok but Quinn was being a right little nightmare and couldn't keep still. I have totally different children... Corbin is easy going and can sit and watch a movie or read a book and generally keep still where as Quinn has like HUGE termites in his pants and cannot keep still longer than 5 minutes and he drives me insane with that... he has to constantly have someone playing with him or talking to him and it drives me insane because you could play with him all day and he still won't let you have 5 minutes peace.

The movie was good but I wouldn't take Quinn again as it went over his head.

While we were out mum cooked a nice roast beef meal for us and we had that while she was at bingo.... it was a nice night when the boys went to bed as hubby and I read books and basically just chilled. I have so many books and magazines that I need to catch up with that it was nice just to chill.

I think I am back on track again???? I really do want to lose this weight but with not exercising I just haven't been able to get my head around how I do it and still enjoy my food...

Food today:

Breakfast: 2 Sandwich Bread toasted, Jam
Lunch: Chicken Kebab and Falafel, V
Dinner: Roast Beef, Kumera, Carrot, Pumpkin, Peas