Went to LEAN this morning and OMG Crusher worked us hard. Which is good but to be honest I have been feeling quite blah these last couple of days and exercise is the last thing on my mind. Crusher is giving us a week off this coming week because we haven't had a break from LEAN since February and we need it.
Crusher is such a darling she does really try to understand what makes bigger people tick but it must be hard. She said today that people are always telling her she is so skinny and it is hard for her to put on weight and OMG I can understand that would piss you off after a while just like when you are big...
But it is just the same for bigger people but in the fact that being skinny isn't frowned upon and she doesn't get the snyde remarks or the faces screwed up as if to say OMG you ugly over weight person.... It is hard for both and sometimes you don't know the other side until you hear it so it has made me think a little bit about that today.
This not knowing what my weight is is doing my head in and I know Crusher is trying to help.... but for me I started this journey because I wanted to lose weight... so how am I knowing that I am losing weight without knowing how much weight I am doing. This measure thing does my head in because my tummy is bleep bleep bleep huge that I don't think the measurements are true because of it going in different places each time.
I do understand what Crusher is thinking in the fact that it is making me obsess about the scales but I lost 20 kilos last year and I weighed every week... I didn't weigh every day like some people I know of.. I waited till the Tuesday WW every week and I weighed. It really makes me feel good to know I am achieving it and makes me achieve more ya know... I know that Crusher wants to change it for me to make me think that getting healthy is the main thing but it isn't easy to think like that.
The self esteem issues are the hardest... sometimes I get my self esteem up and I am feeling good and then one look in a shop window sideways and I end up hating myself again... at least with knowing I have lost 27 kilos it makes me realise that I have achieved something and looking in the mirror and seeing that horrible big person is just a temporary thing.
I am doing this to be healthy but for me I want the weight off and see those scale numbers in double figures and not in the disgusting triple figures they are now....and that is why I started the exercise and the healthier eating... it is hard to change that focus.... because to be honest it isn't what I want... yes getting healthy is a fantastic thing but losing the weight is going to get that!!! I know I know... I can hear you all now!! But the numbers going down is a huge thing for me and for 2 weeks I have not looked at the scales and I have tried really hard to eat the breakfast (as I hate breakfast) and I have tried to have the three meals a day and the 2 snacks a day and to cut out all the crap food... but I can't see results in the scales.... because I can't see the scales ARGHHHHHH and clothes are ok but if I lose just 1 kilo it doesn't show up in clothes ARGHHHHH I know I am going on and on aren't I...
Why can't I get around this in my head?
After LEAN this morning maybe I made a little of sense to Crusher or maybe it has made her think that four of us ladies are thinking the same and she wants to help? So she phoned me and Kris and two other ladies at the gym and we are all meeting at 6pm tonight... it will be interesting that is for sure.... I am a little nervous about what is going to happen tonight..
2 Crumpet Toast
Scallop Potatoes (left over)
I might update later with what happened with Crusher