Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Day Two LC - Rachel... I'm updating now he he

Ok Rachel... I am updating now.

I sat here this morning thinking what am I going to say on here today. I have to get back in the swing of blogging and not hiding what I am feeling.

Haven't gone quiet because I am doing bad or anything..

Just gone quiet because.... what do I write.

So anyway

Went to the gym last night and felt good about it. We only did 40 minutes but have decided that any gym session is better than none.

When I was 160 kilos I didn't want to go anywhere as I hated people seeing me and hated that they were looking at me... and last night while I was there I was reminded by a conversation I had with my trainer about a year ago that she said "you don't tug at your shirt as much anymore" I don't... and last night I did and I think that was the fact that I had to get back in the swing of things and realise that people aren't watching me and if they were too bad. I tugged at my shirt to make sure it was long enough as I hate my tummy sticking out.

So I have to get that feeling of not tugging back again and this challenge I think is going to be a great start.

So I did 15 minutes on the treadmill (3 incline and 5.6 speed) and I was happy with that. Then went and targeted my legs and did thighs, on three different machines (can't remember what they are called he he he) but felt quite wobbly when finished he he he and I also did the beach whale machine... OMG I feel like a beach whale when I am on this as you go on your tummy and lift your legs backwards (getting your gluts I think) but I hate it... getting on it is awkward and feeling like people are watching drives me insane but I know that is all in my head aye... and too bad on them.

Then we went and did some triceps and I upped my weights and OMG were they sore he he he and then did the cross trainer... so the 40 minutes was good and I was glad to be back on track with it again.

I did notice that not a lot of people I used to know is there anymore maybe they have given up.. not sure but it was sad as I quite like seeing some familiar faces. I did see two ladies there that were my size when I first started and kept thinking woohooooo you and wanted to go and tell them that but felt like it would be a bit pushy... might see them again one day and make eye contact. hmmmm

Jumped on those scales this morning and they said 121.1 kilos so since Monday I have gone from 121.6 to 121.1 so I am happy with that. I know that I shouldn't be getting on the scales that much as we weigh differently every day but right now it is keeping me on track and thinking about weight.

I am going to try my hardest to keep to this challenge.

I have been tracking but been doing it on a spreadsheet and not going to do it on here because I sometimes feel like I have to not put some things on here and so the full food isn't right and right now tracking my way is doing me so much better and I am tracking the exercise and allowing myself 2 points every day for extra if I exercise so I am trying my hardest.

I think back to what I was like 3 years ago... and how I made excuses for myself and I didn't want to do this weight loss and how it took me a year later to truly know that I had to do this for me... and that no matter what anyone said I couldn't do it because they wanted. I had to do it for me and that it had to be my decision and it wasn't going to happen until it was my decision and that is the hardest thing ever because I knew I was big and I knew I had to lose weight but I just couldn't.

When walking one day with my son in his pram and a car full of kids said 'oi you are fat lady lose some weight' I said to them 'I might be fat but you are ugly and at least I can lose the weight and be thin you will still be ugly' but it hurt... it hurt so much that I cried all the way back to the park where my husband was with my oldest son playing and I was in such a depression after that that things got worse for a month and then that was it...

I had to do this and I started off at home doing little things to get me losing weight and it was around Christmas and it was the first Christmas that I didn't over eat and I watched what I ate and did it all in moderation. I lost 5 kilos over that Xmas and I was proud of that achievement... I was reading Helena's blog and she kept me going for a month but I needed more help and decided to join Weight Watchers and realised that I wasn't the only one struggling.

Anyway... the rest of the story is history.

I just wrote this because a friend is struggling today (big hugs) and we had a conversation this morning and I know what it is like for her and I do understand but we can only help ourselves sometimes and I used every excuse under the sun but it wasn't helping me it was hindering me and we can only do it for us.... but we have to do it for us before it is too late. I just know I will be there to listen but I can't do it for her... she is the only one that can do that.

It is a struggle... losing weight and it will always be a struggle.. but it is worth it. I know it it is worth it I am doing more things with my family and friends that I would have ever imagined and I am going to be doing even more when I get the rest off... others have done it before me and I am sure that I am going to do it too.


Oh... also this is an interesting writer called my HUBBY he he he if you want to read his writing blog I am proud of him.


just janene said...

Thanks for sharing your story CM, you're an inspiring woman you know :)

Rachel said...


Yep yep and yep, I know exactly what your talking about with having to make the decision to do it yourself.

When my parents use to suggest I look at losing weight it would have the opposite effect and I use to eat more.....dunno why?

When I made the decision for myself, that's when it started to work but I do still have to remind myself WHY I want to do it sometimes because it is HARD HARD HARD!!

Lyn said...

I'm so pleased helena did that ... and that it's working for ya!!

And funny thing bout the tshirt pulling, I probably did that a lot too at the gym (don't go anymore)

Sometimes it takes someone firm to get us into gear huh? This new leader lady at the 'piglet's playgroup' is like that ... but it's good, I think I need it!

Anne said...

I love how you write - it really is straight from the heart. I also learnt the decision to lose has to be from inside yourself! If it's not - it just doesn't happen. Sit back and take a look at youself though because you really do have committment, even though you have diffuclt times - not once have you thought it too hard to continue. I just know you are going to be one of the success stories. Also once again - what amazing support you get from Jeremy.