Saturday, 8 October 2005

Not a good day AT ALL

OMG my Friday SUCKED the big time. I don't know what is wrong with me this week!!! I seem to have laxed!! I don't know why maybe because I have been going hard out to get to the 20 kilos to know I could do it or maybe because I have had 10 months of being good that yesterday sucked!

At work yesterday I have only a 1/2 an hour lunch and I didn't prepare and take any lunch in so I thought 'hey that is ok I will just go find something that is healthy to eat' YEAH RIGHT I got in the car (because my work is in a industrial part of town) and I went to a 5 places and got out of the car each time and went in and the sandwiches had gone or they didn't look too good! I decided that a pie or something of that nature wasn't good enough. Well this took me 25 minutes and I still hadn't found anything. I wanted something good but ended up getting a chicken burger from Burger King and took all the sauce etc off the bun because I didn't want it to be any worse than it was. I was angry at myself afterwards I really was and I didn't have the fries or coke etc (the girl their kept saying do you want to have anything else with that like 50 times which got me mad). I went back to work and just felt horrible and told my boss (she is my age around mid thirties (and not skinny but not big)) and she said well you know it was wrong but you can't do anything about it... and she was right and I knew that. BUT......

My mother is away for the weekend (which doesn't happen often) and we decided to go out for dinner BIG MISTAKE we went to a smorgasbord and I had two plates of food and paid up for it all night with a really sore tummy as I ate too much. So that is my binge over and done with and I know it wasn't good but I am not going to give up just start out right today!!!

Why do we do this?

Why do I do this????

I am going to be so upset on Tuesday because I know I will gain but I have only myself to blame. I am just getting so bored with my food and I know that isn't any excuse as there are plenty of recipes out there and I have 5 WW cookbooks but I am just bored!

I think this week I have just had a bout of depression as I have not wanted to go to the gym either even though I know I should. I went on Sunday and on Wednesday night and did a class and realllllllly worked hard because I knew I didn't go on Monday or Tuesday but Thur and Friday I didn't want to go either and I don't think I want to go today (BUT I AM).

I just look at how far I have to go just to feel normal and it is like 50 kilos!!! Normal!! I mean what is that?

I have really slacked off with my journal here too and I have to get back into it. I still haven't got my laptop up and running and I am using this old huckery puckery computer which is driving me insane.

I think also I am lonely... I know I have my family etc but sometimes I just want to have a friend to go shopping with or do things with and not with my kids or theirs and I know it isn't possible because we have no where to put them. Don't get me wrong I love my kids but I really miss friendship! I miss it!

Anyway my moodiness is taking it's backside away now.



Anonymous said...

Big Hug... Friends are all I've got...

jak said...

Hey CM, you're not alone. I had a big slip up on Thursday, and am still trying to stop beating myself up over it. You're right, it's done, we know it wasn't the best thing for us but we have to move on.

It's so hard feeling lonely, I have the same problems as I don't have so many friends here where I live and it's so hard sometimes.

Janene said...

Hey CM,

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch at the moment. You've done so well to lost those 20kgs, and no-one or anything can take that achievement from you - not a burger, or a smorgasboard dinner. Just don't make my mistake and let one hiccup turn into 2 weeks worth!

Me said...

Hi CM - I agree with Janene - try not to let one bad day turn into a bad two days turn into a bad week. YOu can stop this and get back on track. I am sure that you feel like you will never get there but you will - just keep on keeping on. It is the only way you will get there - it is the only way I got there.
Hang in there - it is difficult when you don't have friends to go shopping with etc - I am very lucky because Al is always happy to go shopping with me and now that K is getting older - she loves to shop and so we have good times together but I too would love to have a girl friend to shop with and sit at cafes and have some lunch and just chat about nothing. What about some of your children's friends Mom's ? Just thinking back to something that you said about not having the courage to meet new people etc - it is hard because none of us like to be rejected but unless we try it we will never know and there is a chance that we may not be rejected.
If you want to mail me or chat - please let me know and I will give you my phone number.
Chin up CM - while this is a difficult time, you will get there - just try to stay focussed on what you want to achieve. Remember how you felt when you were playing with your children and how good it felt.
Lotsa hugs to you - take care, be good and have a great weekend !

The Libran said...

You should be so proud of yourself losing 20kgs...well done indeed:)

Aunt Judie said...

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I have recently joined OA and it's the best thing I ever did for myself.

Never give up!

Karen said...

*big hugs* hun! I just have to ditto what Janene and Linda have said - you are strong enough not to let one bad day turn in to a bad week and I am sure you won't let that happen! No one said losing weight was easy and we all have our indivdual hurdles to overcome and you will get there!
I too am only an email or phone call away if you ever need to talk - don't feel shy just yak away! :)
Have a great Sunday.

Helena said...

oi you ... stop bein so damn hard on yourself! You have a full life and that brings times of feeling out of control, but you arent out of control! just focus on you and the positive and everything will fall into place. *hugs ya silly girl*