Sunday, 30 October 2005

Depression thrusts it's ugly head.

Hey everyone…

I haven’t posted in a couple of days because I have been on this depressed journey. I didn’t want to be on this route that is for sure but I have been thinking about things and how I want my life.

I must admit this week has been a nightmare (food wise) and I cannot change that. I have this feeling that it is because I need a holiday. I haven’t been on a holiday in such a long time and with working in a new work place since July I haven’t had any holidays anyway. I am getting quite comfy in my new job and I think I am finally enjoying it and the reason is… is because the people are so nice.

Woke up this morning and phoned Kris to get her to go to the gym with me. It was 8.45am and I wanted to get the gym over and done with. I didn’t do as much as I usually do at the gym and Kris was CERTAINLY not in the mood for doing any exercise today lol she was sitting on the floor next to my rowing machine and saying she was just going to sit and watch me…. Hmmm I had news for her.. I said to one of the girls doing exercise next to us “help me” she soon got Kris up and doing 2 minutes on the rowing machine he he he he.

I was quite full on today at the gym since I won’t be going for a couple of weeks while I am away in Melbourne. So I wanted to really concentrate on my muscles and also spent 20 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the rower.. We finished and then went down to have a spa and I pulled a back muscle while getting changed into my togs for the spa pool. OMG OMG OMG I was just so angry because I didn’t want to be up with a bad back while on holiday and that was all that was going through my mind when I shouted to Kris in the changing room next to me. “Kris I have put my back out I am going home” OMG OMG it was painful. I got home and I just started crying like a bloody baby to my husband and that was 10.40am. He gave me some Voltaren, Panadol and made me lay down on the couch so that is all I have been doing until now. OMG am I bored or what!!

I am sooo pissed that I won’t lose anything this week. I was getting so close to Kris! It has taken since July and I was 6 kilos until I could lose the same amount as her and I had 900 grams to go but now it is 1.3 kilos GRRRRR but I will do it! I will catch up or even stay even because this holiday is not going to stop me getting to where I want to be. I have 10 weeks for me to get to my overall loss in one year and I want it to be over 25 kilos! I don’t think it will be 30 kilos but I do want it to be 25 or a little over. I have to achieve this!!! I want to achieve this. I am up to 21.5 kilos now 3.5 to get to the 25 kilos and by Xmas I think that is achievable…

I sit back and look at some of the people that have lost more than that in a year… is it right? Losing that much to me, seems like... it would be too much to cope with all at once. It is a hell of a lot to lose in one year… I mean some of them were like losing 60 kilos in one year. Do they have a life? I have 31 kilos to get to 100 kilos… woohooooo that seems so much closer now.

My mind has to wake up sometimes.. I don’t know if anyone else feels it. Like when I first started my mind didn’t think past 5 kilos and to be quite honest I didn’t think I would get past 5 kilos and then it was 10 kilos and then 15 and it seemed like an eternity to get to the 20 kilos and now I am yo-yoing just on the 130’s and I want to be a 120’s girl but I am sabotaging myself… WHY? I don’t know WHY? I can’t understand it. I have tried and tried and tried to be so positive through this journey but right now I feel in a hole! Is it because Kris has started again? I don’t think so… but I think I feel like the challenge of getting 900 grams and then she lost (which is fantastic btw that she lost for her sake don’t get me wrong) but it feels like my challenge is slipping away and it just feels like it isn’t achievable anymore.

Anyway I have spent Wednesday after school at Tania’s (friend from weight watchers) and Thursday where we stayed for dinner and then she invited us over on Saturday for dinner as well and it was great to go out and do the grown up thing and have dinner at someone else’s place for a change. It has felt better in the last couple of weeks being around her because the gap between us (in regards to the weight loss we have already lost) is getting smaller. It feels like there isn’t this difference anymore and it feels bloody fantastic. I hate having people think I am bigger and treat me like I don’t know anything about losing weight. I have 9 kilos to go to catch up to what she has lost and it is going to be fantastic to be able to reach that.

I haven’t given up!! I think I have just been in a lull. With my back out I just don’t know what I am going to do! I can’t do my kick boxing tomorrow. I wish I had my bike already so that I could go for a bike ride tomorrow. When I get my bike for Xmas it is going to be just fantastic…. Because I know that I earned to be on that bike… I have had the bike up on my Header (look up) for Chubbymum for a couple of months now and I am finally going to get it. It was supposed to be when I lost 50 kilos but I want to spend this summer riding with my boys. I still wonder if I am going to have some nasty a-holes comment on my big fat backside on it but then I think…. I want this… I am going to do this and I am going to lose the weight no matter what others think. I do think that I will be going on the back streets for a while and not on the main streets.

It is 5.30pm and I decided to sit up for a while as it was driving me insane and hubby got my laptop so I could sit here and write up my entry. But it is getting to be a little too much now and I am going to go and lay down again.

God have I written a lot tonight.
I haven’t proof read it so sorry if some of it doesn’t make sense.

Love Chubbymum


Jaxx said...

Hope you are feeling better soon :):)

I got my bike out today and the kids and I went out for a ride for about 1 hour, but boy my butt is so sore now..... First time I have ridden in about a year I think LOL.

Anyway you take care Jaxx :)

Karen said...

Hope you are feeling better soon hun! *hugs* Am sure you will be right in time for your holiday though.

Felicity said...

i had the same thoughts about the size of my b/hind when I first when out on my bike then I thought to myself if anyone has a problem that is there problem not mine I am tryig to improve myself and if they can't se that well it is just tough. I am not giving up riding my bike. I enjoy it to much. Enjoy your break you sure need it.

M said...

Being an ex back pain sufferer I know only too well that feeling of the slightest back twinge, a pull, and thinking that it is all going to be over and the back pain is going to destroy everything again. It is horrible and I feel for you. You need to make sure you take care of it now so that you can enjoy your holiday.

Eat properly. Rest. Eat properly. Take the right medication. Eat properly. And ease up at the gym. This should ease the back pain, help you to relax a bit more, and get you ready for your holidays.

Now, the challenge with Kris. Challenges on the whole are great things if they provide you with a bit of motivation an extra zest to get out there and move your butt. But when it is directly against another person it can be fraught with danger. The challenge has to be against yourself. Nothing Kris does or says can make you lose weight, and visa versa. Only Kris can do the work for Kris. I think you two have a fabulous support system for each other, and you should keep at it, but perhaps you need to rethink the direct challenge against Kris. Because at the end there shouldn't be a winner or loser out of you two. You are both winners because you are both looking after your health and working towards your own goals.

I am sorry to hear you so sad, and hopefully this comment hasn't added pissed off to the mix. I think you can get to your goal. I think you can pull yourself out of this slump quicker than you imagine, and I think you are pretty amazing. Don't worry about other people, just worry about you. :)

Philippa said...

Sorry to hear you're a bit down. If it helps, I think everyone, regardless of how far they've come or how much they have to lose, has days like this where it's all too hard and even though you're trying so hard nothing goes right.

Maybe ease off a little at the gym until your back is feeling better.

I'm sure you'll be feeling better in time for your holiday - and I think you should just enjoy it. Have some treats, relax and chill out - you bloody deserve it!

I agree with what M said about you and Kris. It's great to have someone to measure your progress against and to inspire you and to be your support person, but you are both winners and have done very well, so don't be too fierce in your competition. Try not to compare yourself too much. Focus on all the wonderful things you've achieved.

Hope you're feeling better and have a great week :)

kathrynoh said...

Arrgggh backs! I did something to mine a few weeks ago so I have all the sympathy for you.

Lucky you, getting a bike. Hope you are feeling better soon and that the back fixes itself.

Slim Suzy said...

So sorry to hear about your back. I hope it is much better now. It is so great that you are now getting your bike for Christmas. You will have so much fun riding it with your boys. Don't worry about anyone else. This is for YOU and you are doing so well and you will continue to do well and reach your goal. Hope you are feeling much, much better. Take care.

Leighanne said...

Hope you are feeling much better now!!
Where in melbourne are you going for your holiday?

Lee-Anne said...

Poor you. You're not suppose to be hurting yourself before you go away on holiday.

There must be something in the air. Confess to being down in the dumps myself. But feeling better now. Hope you are too.

Emily said...

Hope your back heals up soon.

Please don't lose sight of the fact that this journey is all about YOU - try not to compare youself to others and how much they have lost! I know it is in a friendly, competitive spirit but at the end of the day it is ALL ABOUT YOU!!


PS. I wrote this before I read everyone elses comments, but I see a few other people are thinking along the same lines.

Rest up, and take it easy :-)