Thursday, 15 March 2007

Private - Got to do this

Mar 15, 2007 at 10:55 PM
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I have been watching you tube and a girl from Hamilton is doing Optifast.

She has done fantastically but I just don't know... I don't know because I want to be able to lose what she has lost but I am not willing to just drink shakes..

I feel like a fake at the moment. I don't want to be friends with Kris and have all her crap layed on me again but I also like knowing what is happening... does that make me bad? I feel it does because when I am writing on here that is all I talk about. I have lost comments on here because I think I am talking too much about her on here and not enough about weight loss but isn't writing on here supposed to be helping me?

I think that is why I have to be doing some of this in private so that I can still get it off my chest and when I read back on it I will see what I was really thinking and not just what I was saying to others and missing bits out so it didn't make me sound like a complete and utter bitch.

I worry about everyone else and not about what I am doing. I do fine when I am bitching that someone else is losing more than me and I want to get back at them but then when I am on good terms with someone I am not losing the weight and that is because I don't like the competition. I was losing weight for a while there because Debbie didn't know what my weight was and I was happy about that because she was losing more than me and I hated that. I don't hate Debbie but I do hate that she was weighing less than me and I was on this diet a LOT longer than her. I hate that she is taking over in the meetings and people are talking to her. I want it to be that I am the centre of attention and it bothers me that she is the centre of attention.

That sound selfish and I can feel it when I read it... it is selfish because I should be happy for her. I am not when she loses... I want her to gain and I get this thrill when she gains and it isn't because I want her to be unhappy it is just that I don't want her to be smaller than me.

She is smaller than me!! and I have to get used to it!

I want to lose more!! I want to get to my 35 kilos!! 1.4 shouldn't be that hard. I am gaining 500 grams and then losing 500 grams and going like a yoyo and by now I should have lost it.

I have to make a plan and to be honest I don't think doing more exercise is the problem but I have to keep up the exercise and I haven't wanted to.

So I have to make small goals:

14 March 2007 to 21 March 2007
  • I will drink my water EVERY day
  • I will exercise, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday
  • I will not eat any chocolate
  • I will have only 1 V from now until Monday.(I have to slowly get rid of the V's)

So I do think that is enough for now.

I do think I can stick with this. I have to get the mentality back again and really think about what I am putting in my mouth because what I am putting in my mouth isn't good for me and I know it but I am being lazy and doing the can't be bothered attitude.

I can do this invite business and lose weight... Why can't I??? There is no reason.

I have to work out a way to get more people commenting on here because it keeps me on track. When I get comments then I am trying more and the more I try the more I am going to lose this weight.

I have 22 kilos to get under 100 and I want this... I can do that in a year. That is only 500 grams a week... and if I lose a little more in a week then that is a bonus.

Mandy you can do this.

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