Friday, 1 September 2006

Coming or Going??

Went to the gym this morning with a PT with Crusher and we went for a 20 minute walk in this lovely weather. It was a nice walk... I felt quite tense in the walk with my legs.. not sure if I was tense or that my muscles etc just were over tired.

Went back to the gym and did the following:

2000mtrs on Rower
10 minutes cross trainer
50 sit ups making sure that my tummy was feeling tense
Leg Extensions
10 minutes Bike

Talking to hubby tonight and I am wanting more sugary things since working hard with exercise. I am doing too much. I am eating, sleeping, breathing and talking weight loss and it is tiring and I have had enough and I need to take time to do other things.. I had a huge breakdown tonight about it with hubby.

I am not knowing whether I am coming or going!!! I am not liking NOT knowing my weight. I am in a way because I am more relaxed about food but that is the problem I am more relaxed about food and it isn't helping me, because I am not caring as much about what I am eating and wanting more sugary things and not giving a sh*t.

In the last 4 weeks I don't think I have lost not even 1 kilo (but I don't know)... ok I might have lost something but I am in this because I need to (NO WANT TO) lose weight and not knowing where the hell I am is driving me insane... and it is affecting everything.. it is affecting my sense of humour, it is affecting my sleep, it is affecting my relationship with hubby, it is affecting ME!!!

Knowing what my weight is gives me feedback so that I can feel that I have been doing the right thing and it gives me positive feedback so when I see my weight go down I have been doing the right thing and when I see my weight go up then I have to do some adjusting... but right now I am not getting that feedback so I there is no incentive to not eat chocolate.

I don't want to come across like a scale whore but I feel like I need that feedback because it's the only solid metric that I have to measure myself against.... How I feel at the end of the week comes and goes I can feel great after a week where I have gained a kilo sometimes and crappy other times when I have been really good. Measurements have been way unaccurate for me in the past because they go up and down to no relationship to what I have been doing and measurements can be in different places on my body with different results.

It's like if I have a goal to make a million dollars and I am trying to do that by not looking at my bank account... it just doesn't make sense to me.

I am not even sure if knowing my weight helped me either but I am constantly reading about weight loss and talking about it and doing 5 days and sometimes 6 days a week exercise that I feel like I am going slowly insane.

Hubby sat me down and said "you are going to listen to me" and wow... since my hubby is sooo placid I knew things weren't going right.. so this is what is going to happen.

I am going back to doing the No Count starting tomorrow because I felt happy about the three main meals a day with snacks sometimes... I am going to update my blog and read a couple of blogs a night and then I am turning it off and doing something else... that has nothing to do with weight loss NOTHING... I have to feel normal again! I am NOT to do more than 5 days a week weight loss.

I have come too far to stop losing weight.. I am fitter than I have ever been in my life now THANK YOU CRUSHER and I am not going to give up that because I don't like when I don't do exercise and I don't want to give up CRUSHER... that is going brilliantly... but I have to stop living and breathing food, diet, weight!!!!

You know there are other things in my life.. there are... but I don't do anything else anymore ya know. That is going to change.

2 Crumpet slices
Golden syrup


Hoki Fish
Homemade Chips
Tartare Sauce (Lite)

Love ya all


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