My Weight Watcher Leaders

I have the most amazing Weight Watcher leaders!!!

They both came around last night to talk to Debbie and I and it sort of mainly revolved around me so for that Debbie I am sorry.

I try so hard with the food that I didn't know what to do and these wonderful ladies came around and we chatted from 7.30 to 11pm OMG 11 o'clock and I sort of didn't want to end as they really made me think. What WW leaders would do that for anyone? They are the most amazing ladies. I envy their friendship (in a nice way of course) and what they have a achieved and what they will achieve in the future.

There was sooo many things that came out of this meeting that I thought about the whole night and even when I got up for Lean this morning I was thinking about it.

I am too strict on myself. I have plans on what I should eat and can't grasp the idea that I can have treats. Even restaurants we choose are good ones or I feel like I will go off the rails but it isn't working for me. The strictness is not working so I have a challenge of going and having butter chicken for dinner this week (not to go overboard) but I don't eat things that I enjoy anymore. I have had my life consumed by sticking to the plan and maybe it isn't working.

I went to Wellington in September/October and I wasn't fussy with my food and ate what I wanted and had treats and I still lost... maybe the reason being that my body needs it and until last night I didn't realise that..

The other thing that is becoming prominant to me while they were talking last night is that I am trying to please everyone else but myself. I do a lot of things that really I don't want to do but I am doing it (and realised this morning while talking to Debbie) that I do it because I want the recognition and for Crusher to say "OMG you are fantastic" when I don't need to have that recognition and really I don't want to be running because I am finding that my knees are just getting worse and worse and everytime I say to her they are hurting I can feel that she is thinking I am using it as an excuse.

Just like this morning it was pouring down with rain at Lean and I was thinking OMG thank God that we won't be going outside for another one of our walks again and what happened is that we went outside under the eaves and did leg kicks and stair climbing and squats and walking all with our legs and I was F&*(n sore again afterwards. I was soooo angry. I was angry as my knee isnt getting better and I was angry because my group isn't the same anymore.

I used to feel safe in this group... safe that these were friends and we laughed and had fun and did exercise at the same time. But now we don't have that anymore... we have a lot of new people and we have Sgt Major in there and it isn't the same anymore and I am holding on to this group because of the past that isn't there anymore.

I hated it this morning and finally realised it this morning. I hate paying money to go out and walk and be behind everyone else and feel like I am doing the same old same. OMG I can save my money and go for a walk by myself and do what we have been doing in the last 8 weeks and not get abused (by Sgt Major) for it.

I hate the mentality that men have... where they think "Oh I am your trainer and you must abide by me like you are my slave"... it doesn't fit well with me. I used to get bossed around by teachers at school and not encouraged and so going and doing that and paying money for it just isn't right. Why didn't I see that till this morning? Maybe I didn't see it till I was talking to the WW ladies last night to realise that I wanted it to still be the same as it was when we first started Lean and realistically it can't be the same.

I think the hardest part was that I can do this without going to Lean and why didn't I think about this before..? Why didn't I realise that I can lose this weight and I don't have to stay with the same thing. I lost my first 20 kilos WAYYY before Lean and ok I am fitter but I am not where near where I want to be in my weight loss.

I lost the majority of my weight before I went to Lean through twice a week kicking boxing and totally focussed on Weight Watchers. So maybe I need to get back to the basics.

Debbie said this morning that she would do anything as long as we were doing it together and that if not going to Lean was the thing then she would do it.

I broke down and cried and said that I didn't know if leaving Lean was good because if I left it and then something happened where she pushed me aside like Kris did I don't think I could pick myself up again.

I HATE losing friends (even though now I realise Kris wasn't my friend and I am glad that I ended it and that I didn't return her calls).

I have been holding back on the frienship with Debbie because of not wanting to get hurt again... not wanting to have to pick up the pieces or change my ways of doing things to avoid her like I am doing with Kris as even going to take the boys to school now is difficult because Kris is there... I couldn't also do that with work it would be just too hard.

Pooring your heart out to friends is the hardest thing because if the friendship breaks up then those friends know what gets to you etc... even though I must admit Kris didn't know half the things I felt because I never got the chance to confide in her because we were always solving her problems.

Kris hurting me twice has made me scared to make new friendship for the fear of being hurt... it is like being FAT all over again where I avoid it because it is better than the hurt.

I have my last event with Lean this weekend and that is our triathlon:

• 12km walk
• 12km bike ride
• 4000 mtr Rower
• 50 push ups
• 50 sit ups

Then that will be it!

I want to be in the teens....

I have 4.6 to get to the teens so that is all I am focussing on right now getting rid of those 4.6 kilos.

So since daylight savings is here this is my week from Monday:

Monday: Rest day after the Triathlon
Tuesday: Gym with Debbie and no Lean
Wednesday: Might meet Debbie at her place and go for a long walk
Thursday: Get up early and go for a walk with Debbie
Friday: Personal Training with Crusher
Saturday: Recover from Gym Christmas Dinner I think

I am going to have 1 treat this week on Saturday night (which is our 11 year wedding anniversary) and that is to have Butter Chicken.

I am going to have a REAL sandwich this week and not just wraps and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Karen and Kylie thank you for last night!!! You don't know what a relief working all this out is doing for me... it feels like I am living again and I am doing this for me again and not for all the other people (that mean well).

Deb's thanks for listening to me while I was upset this morning.. you are true friend.

Also thank you to all of you out there commenting and reading because without it I don't think I would have made it this far and I would have kept it all in.

P.S Rachel I missed you while you were on holiday girl! ;-)
Karen woohooo on your beautiful baby daughter... you will rock at being a mum hun.

Love Chubbymum

Weigh in 6

Hi guys

This is my 6th weigh in since getting rid of the acidic friendship... I have lost 4 weeks and stayed the same 1 week and last week I gained. I am not sure why I gained but as I told my wonderful WW ladies I am not giving up... I think they thought I might... OMG I don't want to do that.. I have said it but to be quite honest I don't ever ever ever want to be as big as I was again.... it is just frustrating when you know you are trying and you don't loose.

I gained 400 grams this week. Now two good things I didn't go below the 30 kilos and I have had a good streak of 5 weeks of good weighing and that is the most I have had all year because of my yoyo dieting.

I am more determined than ever to get this weight off my friends!!! It is not going to beat me!!

I think I have my exercise down now and I think now is the time to sort out the food even more and really look at it and really try to get my water sorted.

No more PISSING around body!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!

I have three ladies coming around tonight and I can't wait to have a GREAT chin wag it is going to be fun...

I have started off the way I mean to carry on this week. The girls at WW seem to think that I am not eating enough... so I am going to make a big effort to eat more for breakfast.

Anyway better get some work done he he he... I just feel on top of the world even though I gained last night.. I am doing better in the last 5 weeks and feeling more positive in my journey. Yes of course there will be gains but I have been having so much fun with Debbie and life seems to be going faster.

It is not going to beat me!!

I am not going to be fat anymore!!!

Teens here I come... then Ninety's here I come

Love Chubbymum

Don't Wanna

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

Round the Bridges

Got up at some ungodly time this morning so we could be in town for the Round the Bridges and found out that we didn't start walking at 9am we started at 10 OMG... OMG there was sooooo many people.

Debbie and I were wearing out orange T-Shirts that we made and I tell you we chose such a great colour because every other person was wearing white or red or blue or yellow... we were probably the only people wearing orange... and you could see us a mile away.

I met sooo many people from my old work (the University) there. My old boss and work mates and others it was amazing. One of my work friends came up to me and said "OMG Mandy is that you?" I said yes and she gave me a huge huge hug and said OMG OMG OMG look at you you have lost so much and so did her other half. I said yeah I have lost almost 31 kilos and she said you look amazing girl. I must admit I felt amazing this morning. So that put me on a high before the race that is for sure.

So the race started and Debbie said "we have to beat the lady on the crutches" OMG that lady was hoofing it around and made me think OMG if she could do it anyone could.

When we practiced the walk in the last couple of weeks it took us 1 hour and 35 minutes for the 6.3 km... and we thought that was a fantastic effort..

As you can tell... hubby is next to me in the orange and there is Debbie right next to me.

Today we were on fire.. we were passing people and jogging to pass them and jogging down hills and I must admit I wasn't drinking enough because I felt quite light headed half way but it was great.

Hubby went with us and was great he stayed just behind us and he took my water bottle in a bum bag for me and the support was great... I was sooo happy that Debbie did this with me we moved our little backsides and she is such a great support for me. My shins and blisters under my toes were killing me.... but I had to keep going because Debbie and I were going to get through this... the major hill at the end was the killer for me and I started to feel quite yukky but we decided that the three of us would run at the end.

There were so many people at the end and Crusher was at the end waiting and screaming and taking photos and I felt like I had done a marathon and we ran and Debbie and I raced and raced to the end... what an achievement.
Woohoooo we are running!!!! with all the tummy going everywhere he he he I am on the left and Debbie is on the right.

My mother in law and brother in law (with his new girlfriend, that I met for the first time at the walk today grrrr) were at the end with the kids cheering for us too. I was on top of the world... there were people we didn't know cheering for us and my friends from the Uni that ran the course at the end cheering us on too... I swear there was about 200 people at the end waiting for their loved ones.

Well needless to say we didn't win the race he he he but we did it in 1 hour and 8 minutes!!!!! We shaved 25 minutes off our time!!! We are troopers wohooooooo.

I am sore and tired and the others are playing playstation but all I want to do is go up and have a bath... but will do that when Debbie goes to her friends for dinner.

Love Chubbymum

Thoughtful Friday

Took boys to school and then went to the gym... admittingly I didn't want to go this morning... I had done my neck in in Auckland and looking to the right was painful. I must have an ear infection too... I know I sound like a hypochondriac but I'm not really.. just looking one way in the meeting in Auckland I think really did it for my neck.

Weighed in with Crusher and I stayed the same.. I know that Crusher wasn't too happy because her husband and neice are doing it and are losing.... I talked to hubby about that and really their metabolism is different. I tried really hard to stick to it last week. I am sure that Crusher doesn't believe me. I hated having wraps every single day and muesli for breakfast every day but I did stick to it and I didn't have any bad foods.

I said to Crusher that I was bored and to be quite honest that if I had to stick to having wraps for 6 weeks I would go insane. She didn't seem to happy and said to me "If I stuck to it... it would work" and maybe it would but the reason I have never stuck to a diet before Weight Watchers is because it was always soooo restrictive and I rebel against it. But with the points system I managed to lose 20 or so kilos without it feeling like I was going to explode.

We managed to have a chat about it all and decided that I would take the last three food plans she has given me and mix it up to make up the food I can eat for the challenge and to be quite honest that was fine with me... it isn't the same food every day so I won't get bored but I know that it will work. I am still having wraps but not every day. I quite like the wraps but not every day I like a little bit of difference in what I eat or I just go the wrong way.

Crusher worked me sooo hard this morning. I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes and three of those minutes I ran.. but she wanted me to not hold on and for some reason today I just couldn't I felt like I was going sideways... and so the running felt like that as well. I am not too sure if it was my neck giving me a problem or if my ear infection hasn't fully gotten better.

I was pushed to the limit on the treadmill that was for sure and it was good... I was sweating like a pig. Then I got on the water bike and did 10 minutes on the water bike and then 5 minutes on the water bike with arms... it was great and Crusher was a trooper!!! Thanks Crusher.

She did have a word with me about being positive with the weight loss and I will lose the weight. I do understand that but last week I was really positive and I tried soooo hard to stick to the meal plan from crusher and I did so much walking and gym that I thought I would have lost something and not just stay the same.. but as I pointed out to Crusher I haven't gained in 5 weigh ins and that is a positive thing. Crusher did mention that if I stuck to the plan for 6 weeks I would loose my 10 kilos before the end of the year. Maybe I would but I don't think I would be any happier by the end of it even if I did lose the 10 kilos... and there if I read it back is another point for Crusher because I wasn't being positive when saying it.

Debbie and I went for a walk/jog tonight... it was great and we were laughing the whole way around. It wasn't dark outside and if you know me you know running where people can see me is just NOT what I would do. But we did on the main main road and had people looking at us but I didn't seem to care. I was wearing jeans that were not very good as they kept falling down he he he so I kept holding them while I was running.

We had one truck driver go past and put up his thumb to say woohooo you two well done for running... and that made me feel really good. We did one street which is about a kilometre and then the rest we walked as my knee was hurting and her ankle was giving her trouble OMG talk about injury's he he he but we were still out there no matter what.

We got back and worked on what we were going to put on our T Shirts for tomorrow's Round the Bridges (6.3 km's). So we had bright orange T Shirts and on the front we put our name and on the back a picture of both of us smiling at each other and.....

The saying underneath was:
Two Chicky Babes
Turning the frown upside down
Pound the ground
Around the town bridges

Then on our backside we have:
"We really don't think we need buns of steel.
We'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."

It was fun doing it so tomorrow at least we won't loose each other with all the people going to be going on the walk/run.

Anyway what a late night that was and went to bed straight away... I have to start going to bed on time as it is not helping me what soever.

Byeeee
Chubbymum

Auckland Meeting with Work

Firstly Woohoooo KAREN congrads on the beautiful wee daughter born today!!! How wonderful!! You will both make such wonderful parents.

Went to Lean this morning and in a way was feeling rushed as I had to leave by 7.15 to get up to Auckland for my meeting with my boss (which by the way I have never met in person) and I have been with this new company 1 year (when they took over our creche).

It was a good workout at Lean today but I seriously think I need a break... I felt like I held people back today. Because the running is not good on my knees in the morning (maybe it is the cold) that when the others were told to run around the shops I walked and so my partner (whoever it was when I got back) missed out because I was late getting back and the others were doing other things. OMG do I hate that it reminds me of being back at school again and I avoided sports and the gym sessions with a note as a kids because I hated hindering other people.... I am feeling it more and more and more and it is getting me down.

I am soooo much better than I used to be last year with my exercise and I know this but I don't like feeling like I am letting people down and I know people will say you aren't letting them down but to me I am letting them down... they are supposed to be doing things to their best ability but with me holding them back is reminding me of school.

In a way realising this is such a big step for me as it is making me realise that the reason I didn't do exercise stemmed from my school days when I was told to do the exercise that I didn't like.... and forced to do it and I think that is why I hated exercise so much.

I had to be up in Auckland by 9am and I ended up leaving at 7.15 which really wasn't enough time with the horrible traffic jams that I came across. I don't know why I wasn't suprised I worked in Auckland for 5 years what was the suprise. I got in to Auckland at 9.15 grrr so I ended up being late. I think I should have not gone to Lean this morning but I am glad I did the exercise anyway.

But they didn't seem to mind. New Market hasn't changed since I worked there that is for sure... still expensive and stuffy he he he but hey that is New Market. The offices there weren't as big as I thought and I thought there would be a couple of office etc but the floor was quite tiny.. it was great to meet some of the people that I had spoken to over the phone over the year.

I was proud of myself at morning tea... my boss brought morning tea and was unpacking them from the food town bag and I was looking at it thinking OMMMMMGGGGG what the hell am I going to do? This is the food:

Mellowpuffs
Lolli bags
Chips
Biscuits
Hummus
Rice crackers

So you can guess I was happy about the rice crackers and hummus but they stuck them at the other end of the table... my boss said "have something" I said in a quiet voice "thank you for this it is great but I have lost 30 kilos and really I can't have this" I could see their looks as if to say OMG you are a big girl and you lost 30 kilos how bloody big were ya he he he in a nice way of course.

I enjoyed meeting all the girls especially one lady and we went out a couple of times downstairs so she could have a smoke to get away from another lady there that I wanted to rip her tongue out by morning tea.. she was the rudest lady I have ever met and wouldn't let anyone say a full sentence without butting in... both me and this other lady were getting quite annoyed.

I learnt so much about my job today... I have been there a year with this one company and hadn't been shown how to use the system I have been tutuing with it and that is how I learnt. It was great. Well our big CEO has said that he wants us to meet once a month OMG that is fine but it is on my day's off so I have to have my days off stuffed up and I don't know if I was happy about that.

But they are thinking about having it in a different region each time... like Christchurch, Wellington, Rotorua, Auckland and of course Waikato so I suppose that isn't too bad and they pay for the travel and the working day.... but still it is my day off hmmmmm decisions.... now don't get me wrong it is great but I have to have someone to take and pick up the kids as I can't do it and hubby did it today but if it was a regular thing I am not sure how his boss will react to it being every month.

I chose sushi for lunch woohooo for me. I also had my weetbix before going to the gym this morning at 5.30am instead of getting a ham bun from the bakery on the way to auckland so that is another thing to chalk up he he he

Hubby made Beef Strognoff (weight watcher recipe) tonight with dinner with veges too and so I think I have been fab!!! with my food. I will lose this week! I don't want my record of no gaining in 5 weeks to stop... I have 4 losses and 1 stay the same and this week coming has to be a loss... it has to.

I thought that everyday I would put a question down and try to answer it. I copied these questions from somewhere a while ago and can't remember where so here goes:

List 10 reasons why you want to lose weight. Which one is the most compelling and why?

1. To be described as "The skinny one" not "The fat one"
2. To weigh less than my husband!!!
3. To go into any shop and buy clothes
4. To live my life to the fullest
5. Stop hiding behind my size and to do things for me and not for others
6. To be able to eat in public and not worry what others think
7. To be normal
8. Have the energy to do anything and stop making excuses
9. To take my vows again but this time not in a fat dress but an amazing one.
10. To go and play a game with the kids and feel like I should be there.

I think the one out of the ten that makes me want to keep with it a toss up between number 1 and number 4 but really number 4 comes up the best. I want to live life to the fullest... I want to be happy and content and not to focuss on the weight but focuss on my life and doing what I want to do with my family and not be afraid of what others are thinking about my weight.

Hmmm might leave it at that.

Chubbymum

Weigh In last night

I felt so great at work today... I couldn't stop smiling and I am feeling so much healthier with my food and with my exercise and I have really really tried in the last couple of weeks after getting back from Wellington.

Went to weigh in tonight and I stayed the same and it really bothered me because I HAD made good choices and I HAD been really good with the exercise and I suppose I can't complain because in the last 5 weigh in's I have not gained not one bit.... I have lost and once stayed the same but not gained.

I even drank all my water and more every single day... I MEAN EVERY SINGLE DAY because I wanted so bad to loose this week. I had 900grams to get to my 5th stone.

I got a little upset at the meeting in front of my WW leader but at that point I was wondering what was the point... I mean I am doing this to lose this bloody weight and when I try really hard and stick to my points and my sugar points and my exercise and I stay the same it just hurts that I concentrated on it sooo hard and nothing!!!

I felt like a little baby but I have paid sooo much money going to Weight Watchers and the gym and I would like to see results... It is my spending money I spend on this and I don't get to buy or do much else because of it and for it to not work feels like I am wasting my money and I could do the same thing without spending the money.. I know that with my health that money isn't everything but I am not happy about spending money for nothing as I work damn hard for it.

I have to start doing this for me and eating what I want... I have been on this challenge with Crusher and it was my first week and I know she is going to tell me to stick to it but to be honest I am hating it!! I have the same breakfast and lunch most days and it is driving me insane.

I am going to go back to the plan she gave me before I went away to Wellington as the two weeks preceeding that plan I lost 1.1 and 1.2 kilos... so it was good for me and I didn't feel like it was restrictive.

Hubby was saying that when I know for sure I can't have something and when it is the same old same for days on end that I end up going the wrong way because I am hating thinking about food.

It shouldn't be this hard... how do others do it?

I was soooo angry that after dinner hubby and I went for a walk and it is a 3.3 km walk and every second light I ran... I am paying for it today as my knee has flared up again.

Went to LEAN this morning and once again felt like it was all out of my depth where everyone was improving and I was stuck at the back. I am going to be going until the triathlon and then I think I am going to give it up.... I hate this feeling and I am hating being outside all the time. I quite enjoyed our old lean with our old team and doing things inside and outside and now it isn't as much fun, I miss the laughing and the friendship.

I miss the challenges on the treadmill and the rower and the bikes and doing weights as well... it was more interesting but now it feels like walking and running all the time and I can't run or I pay for it the next day and to be realistic the reason my knee isn't getting any better is because everytime it starts feeling good I over do it again and it can't quite fully get better...

What do I do? I need some input on what people think?

Breakfast
Weetbix
Pineapple (Fresh)

Snack
Yoghurt
Pineapple

Lunch
Roll
Ham
Coleslaw