Why sabotage?

Ok..

First day off Weight Watchers and on with my trainer (and we shall call her Crusher from now on he he he).

Crusher phoned me this morning and she has told me that I am meeting with her twice a week from this Monday onwards. OMG that is soooo good. She keeps me sane and I enjoy doing exercise with her. She is easy to talk to and I know that she wants to help me.

Went to the gym tonight and did a Kickboxing class and then I went on the cross trainer for 10 minutes with arms as I still have this challenge with Crusher. I have only got 2 more to go before Sunday woohoooo.

I am happy with my decision of leaving WW for a month that is for sure. I just have to get my feelings right and focus on loosing this weight. I have had the major sweet tooth in the last week. Why am I sabataging myself? I want to do this!!! I just have to focus!!!

I have to do this as well because Crusher is putting so much faith in me that I am going to do this. I have for the last year... I have to aye!

Woohoo I am off for the next two days and going to meet Kris for a coffee tomorrow.

I am planning my birthday at the moment. I am going Quad Bike riding!!! in Taupo and I cannot wait.. if any of you guys want to join me then email me as it would be good to have a group doing it with me. I am going to make the most of this weekend and soooo looking forward to it.

Anyway I am going up to have a spa bath and go to sleep as I have my LEAN class tomorrow with Crusher!!! ARGHHHH I am sore enough now let alone after tomorrow's session.

So today's food is:

Breakfast
Banana Berry Smoothie
Banana

Morning Tea
Fruchi Yoghurt

Lunch
Corn Thins
Tomatoe and Basil Tuna (little tin)
Tomatoe
Cottage Cheese
Mushroom

Dinner
Pork Chop
Salad
Homemade Rice

Good night everyone
Love Chubbymum

First day of the new life

OMG it is becoming a habit these blog entries he he he

I am back in the swing of updating.

Do any of you get to the computer and think... "What on earth can I write in here that is interesting that someone will read?" I think that is what has been putting me off writing lately... it is the thought that why would anyone want to hear my drivel.

Thank you for your lovely emails re the last post you don't know how much I have appreciated them... and the comments.

I have made a decision... well my hubby made the decision for me. I am going to give up WW for 4 weeks but in 4 weeks I will go back no matter what because I still feel that WW got me to where I am today but I need something a little different to get me out of the plateau zone... it is not saying what so ever that WW isn't right it is just saying that I am tired of paying for weighing in and knowing that it isn't doing anything for me... 6 months of doing this is doing my head in.

I haven't had a long talk with my trainer as yet as she has been a bit busy this week but that is ok... I know that she will support me for the 4 weeks to see what changes we can make to give me a kick. I mean others do it...!!! why can't I and I try so hard and I am going to try so hard so it is going to work.

So I didn't go to the WW meeting tonight and OMG it felt like I was skipping school or something it was the weirdest feeling. Hubby was laughing and I kept saying "am I doing the right thing? and I doing the right thing" he said without a doubt you are doing the right thing. He said he has faith that Crusher is going to support me and is going to get this weight off or centimetres however she sees the loss. It is hard changing your perception of things when for so long it has been focused on the scales and not the measurements.

So my day SUCKED.... he he he now you didn't think I would say that did you. I felt pressured all day!! Went to LEAN this morning and walked up the Harrowfield hill 5 times and then took the long walk back... I tried my hardest to walk faster than I normally do but I was feeling it in my other knee today.. not the one that usually gives me trouble. I was determined to do this exercise session at a level 7 or more.. I think I managed to get almost to a 7 but when I am walking I just don't feel the urge to go to the limit... I hate it with a passion that I have to walk at others speeds (which is usually faster than me he he he).

Got a shower and then got to work at 7.30am... then at 8.30 I had to take my Corbin to school and pick up Quinn for the Dentist. Now I haven't slept properly all night thinking about the Dentists appointment. Especially since it is going to cost us $1,500 arghhhh!!

When I got there it was just like hubby said and the lady was fantastic with Quinn and he trusted her like you wouldn't believe.. it is amazing if you treat kids as you are one yourself how they react... he was watching Postman Pat on the tv up above. So he had a filling and then she used the laughing gas on him to take the tooth out OMG the way she was yanking the tooth out was like... arghhh my heart was pumping. I thought he was going to scream but he didn't the laughing gas and the injections worked a treat. I was sooo proud of him.. he was more calm than I was that is for sure.

She gave him a medal and a little tooth to put his tooth in.. to hang around his neck.. it was soo cute.

Got back to work and had so much work to catch up on because this is my invoicing week as well as that I have to send out like 400 invoices to the parents ARGHHHH was feeling quite stressed.

Other things happened today too.. a friend emailed me today with concerns and so I had to sit down and think about how I was going to write how I was feeling without it coming out the wrong way because it needed to be said and to be quite honest I was probably not in the right mood to reply so I am glad it didn't come across in the wrong way.

I have a bit of a headache at the moment.. so I am going to go to bed after NCIS... which is an interesting show tonight but a bit too gory for me.

Love ya all
Chubbymum

Thoughts inspired by Bob and Oprah Winfrey

I basically have access to a computer mostly everyday... so I thought I would start writing how I am feeling about food. I have been reading Oprah Winfry and Bob's book (I got it off trademe woohoo) and it makes sense and with the past couple of days of CRAP food!!! which I cannot understand why I would do it as it wasn't that good.

I was feeling quite depressed about the Crap feeling of how much I had eaten this weekend that I texted my trainer and she said she would phone.. so sometime today it will happen (as this lady is soooo busy) but I am pleased that I txted her because then it made me think WTF... ya know!!

What am I doing to myself? Why can't it be easier.. I read the other day about a lady that lost 30 kilos in 30 weeks and all I could think of was BITCH!!! how could she loose that.

I emailed my hubby about whether I should give up Weight Watchers for 6 weeks and his reply was "Its worth a crack & it’ll probably help if you pick one horse & ride it for a bit rather than jumping between two like you have the last few weeks(meaning Crusher and Weight Watchers)"

The jumping and trying to make both fit is doign my head in quite frankly and I think that is why I felt like I binged in the weekend.

Anyway I will update later.. I just needed to write it down as I have to get ME sorted.

Chubbymum

It took me till 12.00 today to realise it. I was all prepared to get my backside in the car and go to the shop and get a V and something nice to eat.. WHY??? I don't need them and I didn't feel like it. So I parked on the side of some factory shops and read the Oprah Winfrey book and thought that this Bob guy is SOOO on to it and it is what my trainer says as well.

I am proud that I didn't go and get the other food. I can't say I am proud of my food today but after lunch it has made me more determined.

I have a problem with bread.. it is easier for me for breakfast and for lunch that sometimes I just want it.

Well today's food

Breakfast
2 Toast
Left over roast beef
(eaten on the way to work as I was late)

Morning Tea
Protein bar (because nothing in the fridge satisfied my crap craving)

Lunch
2 Roast Beef Sandwiches.

So basically started off bad.. but!!!! Yep there is a BUTT!!!

I have thought about dinner it is going to be a skinless chicken salad (homemade)... with lettuce, tomato, onion, mushroom, pickles, cottage cheese (low fat of course), sunflower seeds, pumpkins seeds and low fat dressing...

I was really proud of myself 2 weeks ago when I started the No Count and then when I gained the MEASLEY 100 grams it put me off.. it made me feel that with all the hard work I still gained and it got me the wrong way. I CANNOT let this beat me!! I just can't.

I know ladies I have said this so much in the last 6 months but I have come to think this is a lifestyle change and all in all I would have gone out and made it worse but I didn't today.. and that is a change. I haven't brought takeaways in such a LONGGGG time and I hated myself for the whole weekend because of it and really it was making me worse.

I just want this so bad!!!

I am considering leaving Weight Watchers and totally putting my hands in Crusher's care with the exercise and helping me with the food.... but I am scared... I have such great support from Weight Watchers but I just feel like the habit of WW is not enough anymore and I need to change something to make it work.

Sometimes I feel that I am with Weight Watchers because I want it to be known that I have lost all this weight with them and one day I will be in the magazine.. but is that really enough of a reason to stay with them?

I don't know what to do!! I am sooooo torn with this!!

I focus on the weight and not on the fact that in the last couple of weeks doing the PT sessions with Crusher has made me more confident in myself than I have been in a while.. I agree with Crusher in the fact that I should take the focus off the scales and focus on the overall centimetres lost and my health.. it is just hard to change that focus!! It is really hard to give up a support system that I have had for a year and a half and try something new... what if I go back to gaining the weight again and get right back up to 153.7 kilos or more again...

UPDATE:

Decided to get out of my mood and to get my butt to the gym. In the Oprah/Bob book it says to work out at a level 7 or 8 and that you should be sweating and also to work at that level for 20 to 30 minutes.. WEELLLL tonight I went to the gym... quite bloated and moody and worked my butt off.

Bike: 15 minutes level 3 rpms 90 (1 minute full on and 1 30 secs easy)
Treadmill: 10 minutes at 5.5 even though my trainer said I could do level 6. The reason being I wanted to push myself on that and do an incline of 3.
Rower: 10 minutes sort of racing against my hubby as he was doing it beside me.
Cross Trainer 10 minutes with my arms... woohooo only 3 more to go to get Crusher walking with 50 kilos on her back (poor thing).
Crunches4 x 20 situps...
Arm Weights 4 x 15

I look back on it and think God that isn't much but I worked it to at least a 7 on my scale today wohoooo.

Came home and had a really nice Chicken Salad... sooo full now.
Love CM

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Confession time.

I have had a bad 3 days eating OMG I have been soooo good in the last couple of weeks and to tell you the truth I just wanted a blow out and I shouldn't have because when I do it goes WAYYYYY out of proportion (scales wise).

So friday we had pizza for dinner... I chose the thin crust pizza instead of the thick crust... hmmm not sure if that makes much difference but hey.

Saturday I had a chocolate macaroon with a coffee on our date day.

Today we made ginger crunch with the kids and I had 2 pieces... 2 2 2 pieces.

So all out a blow out on points but I needed it..

Today has been a really great day doing nothing nothing nothing and we had Corbin's friend Cathan over and his little sister... it was a good afternoon as the four of them get on so well. We played playstation eye toy and dancing and they played in the playroom. All in all it was great.

I wanted to stay in my pj's for the whole day but couldn't really because of the kids friends coming over ho hum.

As you all know my mother lives with us... I said to her this morning that the kids were having friends over and she packed her little controlling face like OMG how rude you should never have anyone over at all (now I will let you all know this is MY hous not hers)... anyway so I said well they are coming over and kids need to have friends so if she doesn't want to deal with them she can always stay in her room... OMG so she stayed in her room THE WHOLE DAY..... sometimes I think she does it because she thinks it will ruin my day... so that she punishes me.

We don't even invite people around anymore. Before Dad died and she came to live with us it was great to be able to have friends over and have dinner and play cards etc... and since she started living with us we don't associate with anyone unless we go out for dinner with them... It is starting to really grate on me. I left home because of her controlling everything I do and after 10 years of living on my own she is living with me... maybe it is my punishment hmmm...

Now don't think I don't love my mum I do but she is 75 years old and just because she has had her life it doesn't mean my life is over with and I have to sit watching tv for the rest of my life ya know, I want to have friends come over and I want to meet new friends...

Ok that is my bitch session over.

Chubbymum

Corbin got a goal

It was Soccer day again today and we went to play....

The boys were playing soooo well!!! They were passing the ball to their team members and not hogging it all to themselves.. but OMG Corbin got his FIRST goal!!! I was sooo proud of him shouting like you wouldn't believe and so were the other parents. Corbin's face was like the cat who got the cream he was smiling from ear to ear and he also got player of the day... because he got the goal that saved it being a drawer it was fantastic!!!

I am soooo proud of him!

We had a fabulous time at the game and when we got back my mother in law took the boys from 11.30 on a bus trip and out to lunch woohooo and my mum said to us that we should go out and have some time together and she will look after the boys when they come back from their other nana's..

OMG we left at 1.30 after lunch and didn't come back till now 9.00pm... We went to Whitcoulls in town and got a couple of books and then went to a coffee shop and read our books and had coffee... we went to the movies after that. Went and saw Pirates of the Carribean 2. It was ok full on movie but a bit gorry for me.

Then we went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant... I love Japanese because I am going out for dinner but it isn't a bad dinner as it is mostly rice and chicken and no creamy sauces etc. I can see now why most Japanese people are skinny that is for sure.

It is amazing how doing something for us is soooo relaxing. I feel refreshed....

Love ya all
Chubbymum

Crusher and 50 Kilos

Wow what a week it has been

I was a little upset about the 100grams gain but have slowly come to the conclusion that it is ok. I think I was upset not because of the 100 grams but because I had tried so hard.

On Thursday morning my trainer (I am going to call her by our nick name for her Crusher from now on) measured me and I had lost almost 3cm over my whole body so HEY it is making me look slimmer he he he so that is good.

Crusher is intent on getting me off Weight Watchers and getting me to loose this weight this weight... I am scared to do that.. I am scared to do that because I do get a lot out of the Weight Watchers and the support I get from my leaders is fantastic. It scares me a little because every time I have left Weight Watchers I have gained the weight back.

I am not sure... scared really I think!!

I suppose the money that I don't spend at Weight Watchers I could spend to get an hour training or something hmmm not sure if it would cover that either. I think also the thrill of getting to goal and being able to go into the slimmer of the year is something that I want to achieve as well ya know.

So anyway today.... I had an appointment with crusher at 10.00 but mum wanted to go to bingo and I said I couldn't because of my appointment... OMG she looked sooo dissapointed she couldn't go (as she is always at home because she can't drive) that I phoned crusher and asked if she would take me a half an hour earlier and she did SHE IS JUST THE BEST I can tell you. I feel so comfortable with this woman and probably wouldn't go and do what I am doing if it wasn't for her.

So anyway.. again I am saying this he he he...

I sent an email to Crusher last night saying the following:
.............................................................................................................

Also… I want to do an experiment with you!!
(smiley's galore here but I can't get diaryland to show them he he)

If I do the cross trainer 5 days a week for 10 minutes with arms (as a challenge) and if I do that for a week then you go around the block with me but the condition is to wear a bag with 50 kilos kilo’s in it..

Now... be aware that I don't usually do 10 minutes fully with arms it is usually 1 minute off and 1 minute on.

Which won’t put you up to the equivalent of my weight but I would like to see how you do with the extra weight going around the block.

I need a challenge to work towards and I thought this would be fun… what do you think would ya do this for me???

............................................................................................................

Now... the reason I want to do this as I want her to realise how hard it is for me to do some of the things that the others are doing... like going for our 4km walk Crusher walks with me (which is fantastic that she cares) but she walks like... OMG like I would be running he he he and so I want her to feel what going at that speed is like with the extra weight that have compaired to her...

I know she knows that it is harder for me with the extra weight but sometimes showing is more for me so that she understands...

Anyway he he he she said yes with a smile on her face and she was thinking OMG what have I got myself in to... he he he he he Crusher it is going to be interesting... he he he. It made the personal training go so fast today. I said to Crusher "Did you realise that 50 kilos is like 5 big bags of the 10 kilo potatoes and she looked at me and for the first time I could see the fear he he he... I just love this lady..

So my workout today was
- 5 minutes on the bike to warm up
- Up and down the stairs 4 times and in between 10 push ups on the stairs... that was sooo hard today.
- 10 minutes on Cross Trainer with arms
- 10 minutes on the Rower and Crusher was pushing me hard BITCH he he

When I read this workout it doesn't seem like much but when Crusher is standing there I do more work and I was sweating like a pig... it was fantastic.

So that is 1 out of the 5 Cross Trainer challenge gone and 4 to go!!! Wohooooo.

Anyway have a good night everyone

Love
Chubbymum

Third in a row (cross fingers)

Ok so I haven't been updating like should because I have to send an email to my trainer every night with the food I have eaten and what I am feeling while I am eating the food.

I am doing a food plan that she has given me... (with a couple of changes depending on what is happening in my life)...

Anyway went over to her place last night to talk about the problems I am having... the main one being that I am feeling soooo full and that I am constantly shoving food in my face and I finish one meal and then the next is on my backside... so we have made 5 small meals a day instead of 6 and combined my two morning snacks together... so I started that today and it has been much better. I thought I might put my food etc up on here every night too so that I can keep a record of it too... so if you all don't mind reading it as well here goes:

Breakfast
8.30 am
Pumpkin Bagel
I enjoyed having the bagel... something a little
different. It was quick to put in the toaster as I started work at 7.30 and
needed to eat something before starting or I would have been a nightmare.. now
see I am changing my views on breakfast hmmmmm interesting isn't
it.

Morning Tea
9.30 am
Mixed Berry Smoothie
Mandarin
Water
Felt quite full with having a smoothie and the
glass of water.
I think I am finally getting the hang of being soooo full in the mornings but not sure if I still like it. I am really worried about whether I will lose or not tonight at Weight Watchers because I do feel like I have been eating way way way too much food he he he but then again we shall see that is
for sure.

Lunch
12.00am
Chilli Con Carne
Rice
Salsa
Water
V
Enjoyed the Chilli Con Carne today… I didn’t
feel so stuffed today like yesterday but still really full! I think I am learning
how it feels with a full tummy… Weight Watchers always talks about thinking
about how full or empty your stomach is and I could never really tell when I
was hungry or full etc and now I am feeling the fullness that I don’t
like and how much I have to eat to get to that.

I will put in the dinner tonight as well as tell you how I did at Weight Watchers. I have been sticking to the food plan and doing all my exercise this week... 6 days of exercise this week and I am totally over exercise this week he he he even though I am feeling good about the exercise and about the food (sort of the food) but I don't feel like tonight I will lose... I feel quite bloated and not altogether happy that I will lose... which I know sounds bad but after talking to hubby I think we have come to the conclusion that because I am eating more it will take a week for my body to get used to the extra nutrician in my body... but I will update later.

It would be FANBLOODYTASTIC to have three weeks of losses but I can't have everything that is how I see it this week.

Catch ya all later
Love Chubbymum

UPDATE:
Ok so I am a little dissapointed with the result but I gained 100 grams (I know you are all going to say it is only 100 grams) but I worked SO DAMN HARD this week with making sure I kept to my trainers food menu and I worked out at the gym for 6 days... I really wanted this to work. I mean it worked for the other lady that was doing this and she lost 1.5 kilos... why didn't it work for me.

I went home and was all upset and I could see it in my friends face (that goes to WW with me) that obviously I wasn't good or I would have lost... when I got home even my mum said "OMG no you did so well that isn't right" and my mum doesn't stick up for me at all unless she can see it ya know. I could tell my friend was thinking OMG girl it is only 100grams but when you know you have worked hard and exercised hard then it is gutting to gain. I MEAN I REALLY TRIED!!!

So I thought ok I am going to take that whole menu and point it.. on the menu was all good food and not much meat and hardly any bread so why the hell would I gain (please don't say muscle OMG I hate that excuse).

So the points!! OMG when I pointed it and made sure I got every single piece of food etc it was like averaging about 28-30 a day OMG OMG no wonder and I was feeling soooo bloated... I am pleased that I had stuck to this plan but it just needed some tweeking and OMG if another lady (who is just as big as me) would lose that amount then surely I can... but it wasn't right for me.

I really think my trainer was trying to help and when you look at the menu plan you can see it is all healthy but there was just too much... so last night I spent 2 hours on it tweeking it so that the points were within my points and took it down to 5 meals a day and put some other stuff in there so it was not so high in points.

I am pleased with it so I am going to try it out from today and BOY IF I GAIN NEXT WEEK SO HELP ME GOD. If I do then it is back to No Count because I did so well with it.

Hubby and I were talking last night lots because I was so upset and he said that my body is the strangest body ever... he said it like this "Last year you would have all this crap food and NO EXERCISE whatsoever but you didn't gain that much, I mean you went to weight watchers and then left and in two years you only gained 2 kilos so how on earth can you gain when you are trying so hard now and you are doing exercise" I totally agree with him... it doesn't make sense.. my body just sucks!!!

I want this so bad!!! I have 3.3 (now) to get to 30 kilos and I feel like it is going to take forever!

I thank my trainer sooo much as she is trying hard to keep me motivated and she sends fantastic txt messages to me to keep my spirits up and OMG just everything she is trying but I think the food menu this week just wasn't for me. I must admit I did feel too full for most of the day and my tummy was telling OI YOU NO!!

So watch this space guys it is going to happen.

On another note... I think not posting on here isn't helping me anymore as I was losing when I was updating and getting comments and reading other people's blogs and I have dwindled and it isn't good... so I have put in my diary that I have to update at least every second night until I am back in the habit again. I sometimes feel that no one is really that interested in my boring day so why write about it.. but if it is helping me lose the weight then if they didn't want to read then they wouldn't so I am just going to write anyway he he he.

Anyway better get some work done as I am updating this from work he he he.

Love CM