Don't know what to write

I am still hesitant to write in here what I am feeling... and last night I wrote and re-wrote my post so much that I deleted it in the end.

I am feeling so much more positive about my weight loss in the last couple of weeks. It is like a free feeling!

I have been reading more about weight loss lately because I want to have as much inspiration as I can get. I also brought the book off trademe that KT was talking about Geneen Roth... she certainly makes you think.

I have been thinking about things she says in it like sometimes if you are craving something you should just have a little bit of the thing you are craving or nothing else will satisfy and you. Then you will end up eating more and in the last couple of weeks I have been trying to do just that and Monday night at 9pm I wanted a cheese toasty and hubby said you have had your dinner and you don't need anymore.

He was right but I wanted it and for the next day I wanted it and it got to Tuesday night and we talked about it and he made a cheese toasty and then we went halves and that satisfied my craving... and then that was it I have felt better for it since and I have not craved for anything since... maybe sometimes we just have to have a little bit (in moderation) and then we won't pig out.

I am trying to really notice things like that lately and so far I have liked what I am feeling and how I am coping with it. What a great book KT thanks.

I am going to a PT session with Crusher tonight with Debbie... we are having a double PT with Crusher to make up for the Lean.

Then Debbie and I are going out to Chartwell to do some shopping for our Secret Santa at work... and also have kebabs for dinner yummmyyyy. I can't wait I haven't had a girly thing like that in ages. I must admit I feel a little bit guilty as I don't exactly feel like I have been spending enough time with hubby lately either and last night at the kickboxing class I think he was a little upset that I paired up with Debbie and not him but she asked first... what was I supposed to say no sorry I have to go with hubby.. not that I didn't want to go with hubby just I hate being caught in the middle.

I think what I need to do is try and make our weekends for family and him so that I do give him as much time as I can and spend time during the week with Debbie and other friends. It is hard sometimes to juggle everyone and I hate upsetting everyone. But my family have to come first as I don't want to upset my family as they are important to me and I wouldn't give them up for anything in this world.

Anyway better go and sort out the boys as I have to take Quinn's friend home and get to the gym woohoo.

Love Chubbymum

Taking it all in

I have taken the last 5 days to think about all this.

I am not going to tell Sgt Major anything!! I have decided it is his problem and I do not have to get involved... If he is reading then it is his problem and if he doesn't like what I say then that is too bad too.

I have never said anything but the fact that I don't like his style of training for me and if he is getting anything other than that from someone else then he is an idiot for believing something he hasn't read himself.

I have still been blogging but for me only so that I don't forget what I have done in my days.

I am still quite angry about the whole situation because I have had to change my life as I don't want to deal with her anymore. I know that is my decision and that others would have stayed in the group even though she was there but I am finally losing weight... and it feels good and having her not in my life is a big huge change for the better! I don't want to change that. I don't want to go back to the competing with her as she likes that and does better for it but I do not!

I go for my weigh in tonight... not too sure about what will happen but I haven't been too bad.

I have 600 grams to get to my 5th stone OMG I hope I make it... but if not I will make it later!

I have a new workout week now. Instead of Lean twice a week I have the following workout:

Monday night: New Program from Crusher it is a killer but it is a program that both Debbie and I have to do together as it has kickboxing in a pair with punches etc.. quite liking it so far.

Wednesday: Kickboxing class with Crusher

Thursday: Personal Training with Crusher for both Debbie and I

Friday: Personal Training just me with Crusher.

Sunday: Our Program from Crusher

So I am pretty pleased with that weekly line up and in about six weeks Debbie and I can re-evaluate it and change it. To be quite honest I feel like I am doing more with exercise than I did with Lean... Lean was fantastic for meeting such wonderful people but I get more of a sweat up with the personal training and the ones with Debbie as I think I try harder.

Tomorrow night after doing our first double PT session with Crusher Debbie and I are going out for Kebab's and some Christmas shopping. We are doing the secret santa at work and Debbie and I are going out to buy something for our secret santa's... it is going to be soooo much fun.

I haven't done the girly thing like that for a while. Poor Debbie keeps asking me to go out but with work, kids and hubby life is sooo hectic and I find enough time for exercise but it takes it away from the family so juggling is sooo hard for me.

I finished all my Christmas shopping on Saturday and hubby brought me my anniversary present and so we put it up... it was a swing for outside... that fits 3 people on it. So nice. It goes really well with the colour of our house hmmmm and relaxing too.

OMG OMG OMG I am nervous about the weigh in tonight... wish me luck. I will come and update later on.

Love Chubbymum

::::::::::UPDATE::::::::::::

I lost tonight!!! 600 grams and it took me to my

5th STONE

Woohooo I got my

5th STONE OMG OMG OMG.

I have now lost 31.5 kilos... guys I am on a roll!

I am free and I am feeling like nothing can stop me.

I am now at 123.2 and I am on my way to getting under the 120's...

So my next hurdle is 119.

That is 3.3 kilos to go.

My 35 kilo lost will take me to 119.7... so here I come!!

Private - Comments and feeling down

I have lost motivation in the last 2 days.

I have eaten whatever I liked and felt like crap!! I have done the wrong thing and my weight loss is going to suffer on Tuesday and everytime I look at Debbie I can see the weight falling off her!! It bloody sucks is all I can say and it is making me feel even more down in the dumps.

I know it is my fault and not hers because I have to sort it out in my own head

Breakfast
Berry Smoothie

Morning Tea
Vege chips (3.5 points)

Lunch
1 roll
Left over casserole
Ginger Crunch (OMG I shouldn't have eaten this).

I have had two bottles of water though.. but that isn't a consolation.

I miss posting... but I am scared to post because things are getting back to Daniel and others and I am not sure who the culprit is and I am not happy about it.

I went to the gym yesterday and Hubby and I met Debbie there but I wasn't in to it and I hated it to tell the truth... I didn't want to anything.. I don't want to go tonight and feel the same way. I want to go and work my arse off and stop being negative. I know what Crusher means when I start getting negative it is a bad thing for me... it hinders me and I don't want it to.

At weight watchers I weigh 123.8 and I have to get under the 120's.. OMG what is stopping me I know I can do this and in the last couple of weeks I have proven it but I tend to do really well one week and then the next I think hmmm I am doing well lets cheat a little. But then when I am too strict I can't seem to lose the weight either.

I am making myself soooo upset over this bloody piece of ginger crunch and I want to talk to someone about it but then I don't want to tell anyone that I brought it and then sat in the car where no one could see me to eat it.. how desparate and strange is that?

I have so many comments saying that I should confront Daniel about all this but I don't want!! I shouldn't have to explain myself... I don't honestly care what he thinks. I have not said anything that would have hurt him I feel. I have said I didn't want him as a trainer and he wasn't right for me but that is it and if he is going to listen to Kris about this then he is a fool and that is the end of that subject.

Now on to this business... What am I to do? I am being lazy and not going fast on buying this franchise business because of being scared... OMG I can do this!! What is stopping me. It is a good business and money is coming in so why am I scared... maybe because my mum always makes me feel like I should never take risks so I don't and I have had that drummed in to my head since I was little so any challenge is making me more and more doubt myself. I did that with my jobs too... I always stuffed up and I always did as little as possible in my job and so that stuffed things up for me. I sucked in Advance investments... I couldn't get anything right. I was a bad employee in Payments and Fraser knew that and deep down I knew it too. I just wanted the money but didn't give a damn about the job.

Why do I do it I don't know! I don't want to be a stuff up... and I want to succeed but using my families money to do this business and then not doing it right that I loose the business then I am going to have my family know that I am a screw up.

Positive Positive is what people keep on saying to me... obviously I don't come across as a positive person so I have to work on that. How do I become more positive?

I am being more honest now that I am not writing to everyone out there and writing in here to myself... and to be quite honest I don't know if I want to go back to public writing because then I get all the trouble happening again.

What to do? What to do?

Chubbymum

Private - What to write?

I don't know what to write in here today...

I am feeling angry and I am tired and I am feeling bloated and bitchy!!!

I have eaten too much this weekend and I won't be losing weight this week.

I drank too much V this week too.. Why do I do that? Whenever things are going well I start going back to my bad habits.

I don't know know what to do with my life... am I lazy? I feel like I am.

We have this amazing opportunity to buy this franchise business and make some good money (never getting rich I don't think) but good money for not much work but I think I am doing the lazy thing and because I only work part time I think I am happy that I have two days to do what I want and not what everyone else wants but with Mum living with us I don't really get to do what I want most of the time anyway as I have to take mum places.

I love my mum!! I want to do things with her but I spend more time with her than anyone I know spends with their mum and I still feel like a little child with her and that I can't do what I want in my life...

Yesterday was a good day... it was busy and relaxing at the same time.

We got up early and went shopping at The Warehouse to get the rest of our Xmas presents as we didn't want to be spending weeks and weeks getting the presents or even waiting till the last moment.

We got $150 in vouchers from our hotpoints on the Visa... it is a great way to buy presents and not having to save for them for Xmas.

For Hubby's father and step mum we got a two person hammock and some lovely lamps with blue glass and citronella to go into the lamps.

For Hubby's brother we brought a repleca of the George Forman's grill.... I can't say that I wanted to buy him anything at all as last year we spent a lot on him and he didn't bother buying anyone any present at all not even the kids and OMG I was pissed. So he was bloody lucky that he got a present this year.

We also got a little rice cooker for Debbie to go with the ceramic necklace we brought for her.

Hubby brought me a lovely white satin night dress that feels soooo nice and comfy. He got two shirts and two shorts as well. There was a 30% discount at Warehouse which was even better.

We also brought ourselves a black swing for 3 people and a table and chairs to go on the side of the house by the boys play room too so that we can sit out in the sun out the back there. It looks sooo much better with that. All we need to do now is get rid of the dirt in the corner and finishing painting the fence and things will be sorted.

I am trying and trying to finish this and the cat keeps jumping up on my lap and trying to get on the laptop or he is behind my head on the couch trying to annoy me...

Saturday night we took mum to Bingo and took the boys to Shinjuku (Japanese restaurant) and they were little darlings and it was a really great night out with them. We had sushi and other stuff and the boys had Chicken Terriyaki and Tempura and I ended up spilling Miso soup all over me and rice and anything else that I was trying to put in my mouth he he he what a sight I looked

Private - Thoughts

I have been looking at my comparison photo on the side Jan 05 to Nov 06 and I can't get why I let myself get that bad... how did I let myself look like that.

Why didn't I see it? How could I not see how horrible I look.

I used to look at guys going down the street and think that they thought I was pretty and I was going on was that they were looking at my face... my face is the only thing I have ever seen for a long time as I am always told that I am such a pretty person and have a pretty face and that really sucks that I couldn't see until today that I had let myself get to an unbelievably ugly person on the outside. I know I shouldn't be saying that about myself but I look terrible in the photo with the green top and cream pants... not good at all!

I am still not looking good enough either. I need to get off my arse and stop all this crap and lose the fucken weight! I mean if Debbie can lose 13 kilos in 11 weeks so can I!!!

What is stopping me but ME!!!!

I need to find out what is happening with ME.

Chubbymum

Private - On top of the world

I feel good today.

I felt good when I got up this morning as I weighed 123.7 (on our scales when I woke up and recently in the last couple of weeks it didn't go below 125 so that is great).

I was really worried about going to the personal training with Joy this morning and at 8.30 Debbie phoned me to tell me about what was talked about. She said that Joy was happier this morning and that she had gotten over her anger by about 10 minutes. She also said that Joy had a huge talk with Kris and gave her a bollacking too. The thing is even if she does talk to Kris it wasn't going to change my mind as I am not going to go back to being friends with her and I am not going to go to Lean while she was there... It is just not going to happen.

So Debbie organised with Joy to do a PT with the both of us and we have worked out a day and time. It is going to be every Thursday at 6pm. I am sooo happy with that! I think it would be better for Debbie and I as I don't honestly think that we are working hard enough in Lean.

So when I got there Joy was all smiles and it felt quite strained... I didn't want to be told what to do again.. I back off when that happens and I don't want to end up hating Joy either.

She put me on the rower for 1000 metres and then I asked her if she could take me to get weighed. So last Friday I weighed 122.2 (on the gym scales) and this morning drum rolllllll..... 120.8 OMG that is 1.4 in a week and I am sooo happy with that. She didn't measure me though but that is ok we only need to do that once a month I reckon as it doesn't change that much.

I told Joy that I am happier because I am following everything that she said apart from the morning and afternoon teas as I want to eat when I am hungry and not feel like I am shoving food in my mouth all the time. So I think she seemed happy... the only thing was that really it had nothing to do with her and as long as I am happy then that should be it. I am finding it hard to make everyone happy and really I shouldn't be worried about what anyone thinks just need to concentrate on what I want and I think that is why in the last year I haven't lost because I have been doing it all for everyone else but me!!

So Joy did the following workout with me today:

10 minutes Bike
10 minutes Cross Trainer (1 min level 1, 1 min level 4)

15 Swiss ball squats
Up and down the stairs
30 second fast kickboxing punches
(all the above x 4)

15 Swiss ball sit ups not putting head down between
10 pushups
(the above x 4)

10 minutes Treadmill
(1 minute walking at level 5.5, 1 minute jogging level 7)

Then stretches

When I got off Jackie (one of the older ladies there) and a lady I didn't know said "OMG you like look like a real runner when you run. Your technique is amazing. I said "you are joking" and then Jackie said "I was thinking the same thing" it was fantastic to hear... I felt like I was blushing. It was a great thing.

I feel on such a high today with the compliment and with the fact that I lost 1.4 kgs on Joy's scales.

I went out and got my nails done and felt even more like a woman. I think since losing this weight I have been feeling more feminine... when I started gaining the weight after our wedding I was wearing anything baggy to make me feel better about myself and T-Shirts and anything that looked good on me even though I was feeling soooo bloated all the time and not feeling pretty so I didn't want photos taken or not even getting dressed up for things.

Tracking today

Breakfast
2 Toast
Chopped Egg
Coffee

Lunch
Chicken Salad with everything in it.
V

Afternoon Tea
2 Mallowpuffs

Dinner
Steak
Vege Stirfry
WW Hot Chips
1 Mallowpuff

Not working for me

I have re-read my blog and I have taken some posts out!

I am having doubts about writing in here now!

The reason being that Crusher said that Sgt Major has read or been told that I am writing not so nice stuff about him in my blog. I re-read all my posts that had him in it and all that I had said was that I know he is a nice guy but his style of training was not one that I liked and don't want him to train me... and apparently he is upset that I put nasty things on my blog and that other people are reading it.

OMG I was hurt about it because I know everyone that is reading my blog and if anyone from here is telling lies it makes me feel really uncomfortable writing in here at all anymore. I feel like this friendship breakup is spiralling and now it is making me feel uncomfortable.

I am feeling really unhappy about it.. Debbie seems to think that it is someone else (that isn't reading my blog causing problems) and now I don't want to have my blog anymore! My husband thinks that it is Kris causing the problems as Sgt Major is her trainer. I don't know what I think anymore and have been really upset about it all for days.

I want this blog to be able to get support and to write what I am feeling so I don't hold anything in as that is bad for me but if I am going to be scared to say how I am feeling then I don't want to write here anymore. I mean that is the reason I passworded it because I was feeling like that.

I don't think I am a nasty person! I don't think that I have intentionally said anything bad about Sgt Major! I know I have said some things about Kris but that is how I was feeling and that is what my blog was for!

Chubbymum

Private - How I am feeling

I have decided for myself that I need to still write in here for my benefit and only put across some things in my blog.

I am constantly feeling like I have to please everyone else.

Crusher has helped me so much with my exercise but damn it I did all the work too... wasn't like she was doing the work and I was just sitting there taking it.

I have to write what I feel so that later on I can go through the diary and learn from it.

I am angry at Crusher!! I am angry that she thinks that a year ago when both Kris and I wanted to be in the same team and she wouldn't let us because it would hinder our progress that she can think that now when we aren't talking that it is ok and how would that not hinder my progess when I am crying and angry about it... I feel it is worse not better..

So I made the decision that.. fine Kris can join the group and I will do other things. I don't want to because I love the group of people but well... obviously Kris is the one that is in the right and Crusher thinks that I am being a bitch.

I could be the better person and go but then I would be on tender hooks the whole time wanting to be better than her and pushing myself to the limits with my knee etc and I don't want that!

To be quite honest I don't want to see her ugly face or deal with her! I don't want to see others getting close to her and thinking that she has miraculously changed and how wonderful she is and how she is doing.

I am going to lose this weight.... it is a positive thing that Kris and I have stopped being friends because it has made me more and more determined to get this weight off and look absolutly stunning and looking at her and thinking YOU BITCH I did this without you... You hindered me!!! you are not worth it and you are going to be a lonely bitch all your life.

I used to write in here to get the comments and for me to feel good that others think I am great! Why would I want that? Why do I need that? Do I need the recognition so that I can lose weight?
I know that I want to lose this weight and I know that when I write in here and get comments telling me how wonderful I am doing it makes me feel good and I keep going! I need to know that I am loved!! But....

Yes there is a but! I don't have to tell them everything on how I am feeling. I had this blog because of getting it all out and I can't because there are some arseholes out there that decide to tell all.... and I think from now on I will do a private one and a public one and that way I can say what I feel and it is not going to get back to Kris.

I wrote this email today to Crusher:


Crusher

I didn't want to make you angry today... but from my point of view I don't want to deal with her and for you to make me go and do that is not fair. I LOVE you dearly and you are the best thing that has happened to me but I cannot cope with having her in the team and I do realise you cannot stop people from coming in and that is fine that is why I made the decision to pull out and that is cool for me.

Until this week I was trying soooo hard to be positive and I was making it!!! It might not have showed to you but I have and this morning I did the work out and felt great that I had worked my butt off..

I know you put a lot in to the team things and I appreciate it so please don't think that I don't.

I made a choice to not have Kris in my life!! I made that choice 6 weeks ago and I have been doing so much better since. I am finally feeling like I am living my life and not hers and not having to help out with all her problems.

I am actually losing weight Joy which is my main purpose of doing all this and maybe you don't understand how I can just leave the group just because she is joining but I cannot put myself in that group with her there. I love the people in the group like they were my sisters and brothers but to me this is the best option.

I am a little hurt that she is coming to Lean but that is life and I am trying to find positive ways to spruce up my exercise.

I have NEVER said I don't like Daniel as a person!! I have said though that I don't work well with his type of training and I wouldn't choose him as a trainer for me personally. I think he would/is a good trainer for other people and does a fantastic job but for me it doesn't work!!! I prefer you IN EVERY WAY.

My blog is for me to say how I am feeling and if people will read then that is their problem. It is there for me to get it out instead of botteling it in and I don't tell many people about it because of the thing that happened this morning.

It is for me to vent!! I don't put my name in it and I don't put your names in it so that it can be read by others here in Hamilton. I don't apologise for what I say in it Joy and I told you that the day I showed you my diary. I said it twice that what I say in it is for me to get it out and have support.

I know you don't understand but for me it is better I don't go to Lean if she is there and believe me I have had a lot of tears since deciding it.

I know you have invested a lot in me and I have appreciated it but I have to invest in me too.. you know? I try my hardest and I am changing myself to try and be more positive and it will take some time. I didn't get this big by doing the right thing and being positive so changes take time.

I appreciate all you have done for me Joy and that doesn't change just because I don't want to deal with Kris. It is just going to take me time.

Love ya my friend
Mandy
xxooxx

I wanted to write more and tell her how great my morning was with doing the workout and I felt better by doing that workout than I did with Lean and that I am sick to death of the walking back and forth and it was boring me and I didn't feel like I was getting out of it.

The fact that today I did:

10 Minutes on the bike
10 Minutes on the treadmill and every 3rd minute I ran... for 3 minutes and I feel that that was enough for an early morning
10 Minutes on the cross trainer with the level being 1 instead of 0 and I was happy with that too and my rev's were up to 68/70 too. I am going to try and improve on that as time goes on.
Then did a round of the womans gym downstairs for 15 minutes.

I know on paper it doesn't seem like a lot but I was sweating like a pig and I was feeling so high when I got out and thought that the team had already finished so we wouldn't have to see them or Crusher and feel quilty... but she came to the car and was mad!! you could see it in her face and the first thing she said was "Debbie does that mean you aren't going to come to class either" and Debbie said "No I want to do this with Mandy and we have decided to do other things" and I think that pissed her off as Crusher said "I have invested a lot in this you know and it hurts" I said to her that I didn't want to hurt her and I don't want to be in the class if Kris is there and it is nothing to do with her and not to take it personally because we love you...

Crusher said "I am not taking it personally" and she did!! she was taking it personally and then started to say well why don't you have a talk with Kris and sort it out and stop avoiding her.. Ok in her mind that is probably the solution but to me I don't want to talk to her!! I don't want to have her in my life and so it is my decision to avoid her and really she should just have to accept it.

The next thing hurt because she started to tell me what I could say in my diary. She said that Daniel has been hearing that I am writing nasty stuff about him in my blog and I don't think I had been! Firstly I said to her that I told her my blog was for me and if people don't like what I read then they don't have to read any of it.

I know I mentioned that I don't work well with Daniel and he is a good trainer for other people but not for me and the only way that he would have heard that is if fucken Kris would have told him. I don't have a problem against him personally just that I don't want him as my trainer.

So my wonderful morning turned into a nightmare as I was crying and just couldn't look at her! At that time I felt like saying stuff like this... "if it is going to cause this much stress in my life then I will not go to this fucken gym anymore as it is just not worth it. I will find somewhere else to go!"

I honestly can't take this emotional crap that is why I don't want to deal with Kris in my team.

It is sooo draining.

Went out with mum to return Corbin's costume to the hire place and OMG if Kris wasn't bloody there in front of me driving and YES she was going to the same fucken place so I made sure I went and did other things so I didn't have to deal with her as she would have driven me insane stupid cow.

Had lunch out with mum at Jester pies and that filled me up and I didn't feel like I was being bad.

Brought a really nice present for Debbie for Xmas and a box to put it in and all I need to do is find something else that will go with it so it will be nice for xmas for her.

Picked the boys up from school and chatted with some of the mums and it was nice. Wendy (Ethan and Janae's mum) and I decided to make up a little sign to ask all the mums to come to a coffee next Friday so that we can get to know each other... and so we shall see next Friday how that works out.

Now I am sitting in front of the laptop with the boys watching TV and I suppose that is too much TV for them to watch but they don't want too much so hey that is life. I should really play with Quinn as he isn't a TV kid but to be quite honest I don't like playing much and I should because it isn't fair on him but how do you change something when you aren't a playing type of person? I don't want to turn out like my mum and have no time for my kids.. I do think I am a little different from her though hmm

You wouldn't believe it but Debbie came over for dinner tonight and we took mum to Bingo and when we left our street and turned left there was bloody Kris and her family coming down our street and you should have seen Kris's face when she saw Debbie there in the front seat it was such a thrill for me! Finally I think it clicked that just because we are not friends doesn't mean that my life has stopped. She thinks that since she was not friends with me anymore that I would crumble and fall to pieces and I haven't!!! She is not worth it!

I have to keep telling myself that and this is the motivation I need to get this weight off to prove to that bitch that she is NOTHING NOTHING!!!! and I am going to lose this weight and show her she was the one hindering me. I will show her.

I have found this so refreshing being able to say what I am thinking for me and not because someone is going to read it!! What a great thing!!

Love
CM

Private now - Thank you!

Thank you for all your comments in my last post.

I do understand where you are all coming from, but for me having that woman around does the opposite for me...

I know it would show I was the bigger person and go to class, but if you know half the things (which I haven't put in here) then you would understand why I couldn't.

I was told by three different people in three different situations that they were glad I am not friends with her anymore because of how she used to put me down in front of me and I didn't even seem to realise. I DO NOT want to put myself in the situation where I am feeling insignificant again where I don't see what she is doing.

I tried for the last year to help her out and was always the one there when she needed me when she would break down over her stupid car or her husband wasn't treating her right (and believe me he does more for her than other husbands do she is just not grateful) or this and that.

I was the one that looked after her kids for 6 hours while she was in hospital so her husband could go up there but she thanked chloe on her blog for all her help yet I fed the kids and looked after them and cancelled all my plans to help her out.

When she was going through problems where Sgt Major was being horrible to her in the fact that she was having all this junk food and also not telling the truth with her trackers and I was the one that said to her straight "if you cry wolf a thousand times then he isn't going to listen anymore he has to learn to trust you again" and since that she has been more positive and getting on with things and believe me it took me a lot to tell her something that she didn't want to hear but others had been saying but not to her face.... but that is what friends do and then I get branded as the controlling one when I tried to help her.... and it worked because she finally realised that I was right and things started getting better.

I ALWAYS listened to her and was there to support her but when I was going through difficult situations she NEVER listened and never helped out one bit.... I don't want to go back to feeling bad about myself and how I cannot lose the weight and she is better than me... my self esteem wouldn't take it again.

What I don't understand is that when we were friends Kris tried to get in to my team and Crusher wouldn't let her because it would hinder us both. Yet now Crusher is letting her in this team now and we aren't friends and I am really distressed about it. I suppose once again it makes me feel insignaficant and she will be all nice and wonderful and show me up again and there goes my self esteem again. I don't want to put myself in that situation.

I know it sounds like a school kid thing but she effects me like you wouldn't believe. In the last two months I have lost and I am finally getting my life together and had a chat to Crusher last night about doing things in the class that would make Debbie and I feel a little bit more like a team instead of them and us..... I couldn't be myself in the class with her around... I couldn't say what I was doing in the weekend etc because of her knowing about my life again. We get partnered in class which means I will get her once in a while and just to look at her right now grrrrr you just don't know what I would want to do.

Crusher says see the positive.. I can't see the positive in seeing her permanently twice a week for the rest of my time in the gym. It doesn't motivate me it makes me feel like giving up.

I suppose next year I won't be doing any more challenges because of not being in the group but it is better than letting her back in my life.

I don't have a big enough journal to tell you the things I have been through with this woman!!! There is not enough room! My husband and mother are glad that she isn't in our lives anymore because of the constant phone calls we used to get and quite frankly I am too because I am concentrated on my life and not helping her with hers.

I don't want to be negative!! I don't want to be upset but I AM glad that I can vent in my journal finally! For the last couple of weeks I have been avoiding talking about her here because things have been going great with the weight loss and I wanted to totally forget her.

Debbie seems to think that she has only decided to come in to the team since the weekend because she saw how our team got on on Friday night and how Debbie and I enjoyed our night!!! and I agree!!!

I was talking to hubby on the phone and he said really getting back in to the situation where I see the woman twice a week is just not good and I agree. I suppose there are other things I can do and keep away from the gym totally and try other things.... I am totally considering it! I know it seems extreme but the woman just hinders all the hard work I do!!

Anyway...

I had a good day at work today and the day went really fast. I reckon having days like that is fantastic because when they go fast it doesn't drag... yeah CM that is logical... just sometimes in my job it drags and drags because I am in an office by myself and I am the sort of a person that loves having people around me.

This picture below is of Corbin as they had Dress up at school in Victorian clothes to go to a Victorian Museum at Mystery Creek where they all dress up and do things as if it is back in the Victorian era... sooo cool I was sooo proud of him he looked so cute.

Thanks for listening and thank you for your comments I do appreciate it and I have been holding in a lot lately and really shouldn't or it affects everything else.

I was sooo angry with it this morning and stopped at the bakery and was going to buy something to eat!! but decided that I was doing the emotional eating again and just got a drink instead so felt really good about my choice. I am going to get to the teens and if it means I have to do another way then that is what I have to do because to be quite honest I am not strong enough to see her and still concentrate on me.

Good night everyone!!

Love ya all
Chubbymum

Weigh in

I went to bed angry and woke up angry....

Why do I have these days.. it isn't my monthly and I am not due for another 2 weeks.

I lost weight!!! 700 grams tonight.

I am not happy with it.. I do know that I should be but I wasn't. I wanted 1 kilo!! Yes I am a silly COW!!

I can't work out what I want with life!! We are in the process of looking at a franchise business at home but I am scared I won't be able to cope as I have never been in a business before. It is a good business and something I know we could do but totally scared.

The other thing I can't work out is if I want to be a lifecoach or do the franchise? So many decisions and I can't work out what is best. I don't know what to do!!!

I know I am not that interesting tonight but I am tired of my life feeling like it is all about weight loss and now I have choices instead of weight loss I can't work out what I want to choose.

I know I lost 700grams and I want it to keep going down but I can't guarantee that it will because to be honest I am tracking and when I am really good I don't lose and then when I am bad I lose. It doesn't match my tracking....

I have felt better in the last week not worrying about the food and not having morning or afternoon tea and feeling like life was normal and going by how my tummy was feeling as I was eating because I was told to and not because I felt I needed to by my hunger.

I hate water as most of you know by now and I have made a huge effort this week to have at least 2 bottles of water a day and most days made it to 3 bottles.

My challenges for this week coming

1. Keep up with the water
2. Get up and go for a walk every morning
3. Cut down the size of my meals for dinner

Three challenges a week for me is enough because if I try for more I loose motivation.

I am 123.8 and I have 600 grams to get to my 5th stone! That is what is going to happen next week. I am going to get to my 5th stone!!!

I want to be in the teens by the end of the year. I want to start 2007 off with a bang and not ever ever ever get to the 120 or above ever ever again.

I have to keep up on here as I am slacking in the last couple of weeks. Why aren't I wanting to write in here I don't know?

Anyway enough thinking for now

Love Chubbymum

UPDATE
OMG I got a text this morning from Crusher to say that Kris will be joining my Lean and I replied back saying then she won't be seeing me anymore.

OMG I finally got that woman out of my life in every way and I have been losing and my life has been great and then the fucken woman comes in to my fucking LEAN... and I can understand that Crusher is doing a business etc and couldn't take sides. So I texted her back saying that I will not be in anymore if she is going to join. So once again the fucken bitch has stalked my fucken life...

Can you tell I am angry? Well I am she just can't leave me alone to get on with my life she has to be in every situation.... she is even taking her kids to school so that I see her every morning and before hand she wouldn't get off her lazy arse to take the kids to school....

I didn't want to write about her anymore as life was getting so much better and now this...

I am not going to go to Lean anymore to have her making me feel like a complete utter idiot and to remind me that she is smaller than me and can go faster etc... I HATE her and I know that is a strong word but I do!!

Debbie and I will be going to the gym instead and another lady that isn't going to Lean anymore will be getting together.

Kris would complain about the early morning etc and now she is doing this... and I do think it was all because of Friday night when Debbie and I were having so much fun with our team and dancing and she was sitting on the side line in her sulky little mood.

I am soooo ANGRY!!!!! That my life could be turned upside down like this! I love my team!! I love being with Crusher but I cannot see this woman again! My self esteem is shot when she is around and once again I am the one that misses out.

It hurts that ONCE AGAIN she wins!!! and I lose out on the best team!

Everytime I see the BITCH I want to throttle her!! that is how bad I feel around her.

Private - Friends

Sometimes I wonder why I have friends at all. I am a moody cow and if things don't go my way then I go all defensive. I don't want to be defensive with Debbie just that I was pissed off that she didn't want to do Lean with me this morning.

I am sensoring my diary again and I shouldn't... I should be doing this for me and not worrying what other people are thinking.

I should be writing what I am thinking so I can sort it out in my head.

I am pissed that Debbie is losing more than me and it is making me soooo angry. I don't want to be angry as she is a nice girl but I am angry because she is losing more weight. It is like I am trying really hard... or am I trying really hard. I know that in the last couple of weeks I have been more conscious of the fact that I am trying hard.. I am drinking more water but I am relaxed on my exercise and maybe that is because I am competing again with Debbie. I hate it... I hate feeling like this towards someone. I don't want to feel like this towards Debbie.. and I know she has to do what is right for her but she could have done something with me! She could have made a date to go to the gym with me but she chose to go to Lean without me.

It bugged me!!!

It bugs me when she does the same thing as Kris and it is all about her. I tell her something and OMG she has done it worse or better or prettier or uglier.. instead of saying OMG really that is cool or I can understand how you are feeling.

I want another Hubby to be as a friend... So why aren't I going with him? Why don't I spend the time with him and stop feeling so quilty.

I just want to lose this weight!! Why am I not trying hard enough!! I am thinking in my head that I am trying hard enough but in reality I don't think I am.

I am going to drink my water today!
I am going to make sure I get up more often.
I am going to park further away from things.
I am going to STOP eating crap NON whatsoever.

So much fun but paying for it now

We had sooo sooo sooo much fun last night.

I drank too much but had a great time.

I don't think Debbie and I sat down for an entire song for the whole night. Hubby didn't dance the whole night but most of it he he... I don't think he could keep up with Debbie and I.

I couldn't stop smiling the whole night and it was the most fun I had had on a Xmas function in years. We danced so much that my hair was soaking wet the whole night he he he and so a couple of times I had to go and wipe my hair in the ladies he he he and reapply my lipstick. It helped that I had about 3 bourbon and cokes but not enough to make me drunk just enough to make me enjoy myself.

I was proud of myself. I had main meal and dessert but I only ate like quarter of my dessert as I looked at it as realised that I didn't want it or need it and I gave it to the waiter. Now when I first started I would have eaten it because I wouldn't want to waste food... but it didn't bother me that night.

I can't tell you enough that I had a great night. I have sore knees today because of all the dancing... my right knee is swollen and I have been sitting here with an icepak on it but I wouldn't have changed a thing. I also have sore cheeks as we just laughed and smiled all night. There was soooo many people at the Xmas function and met some new people from the gym too and laughed sooo much. We even had a good time with one of the head waiters and giving him hell and he did in return... how great was that.

Our Lean team got together at the gym before the function to support our other trainer Sgt Major as he was working till 7pm and the function started at 6.30. It was good to get there as a team and not go individually and we had a wine there before the start too he he.

We were talking last night and Crusher (even though maybe she had a little too much to drink he he he and won't remember saying it) she turned to me and said "you are just wonderful and you are going to get this weight off I have faith in you" wow that started the night off for me... it was unexpected and I know that I have to believe in myself for it to happen but to have her say that was a great booster too.

We got home about 12.30am and that was a good time for us, even though we wanted to keep going the party had to finish at 12 and we did manage to keep it going a little more he he. It was great to have a great baby sitter like my mum as we could just take our time and enjoy the night and know that my mum was fine with the boys.

The skirt I was wearing last night I brought a week and a half ago and it was in a 22 and I had to pin it with two pins last night because it was falling down my hips.. OMG that was wonderful because I brought it fitting snugly and my mother was witness as she was in the dressing cubicle with me when I tried it on and said that I should get the next size up OMG and then I had to pin it he he he.

I am not going to say this is going to last forever but I think I have found a groove that I want to be in for a while.... I am concentrating on the food more than the exercise. I was concentrating on the exercise so much that I was deep down in the subcontious thinking it would solve the problem. I also think it is because I have finally decided to concentrate on me and get rid of things in my life that weren't helping and concentrate it totally on having fun and enjoying what is right for me.

Pinkkz Karen made me realise that I have to watch how skinny people eat and enjoy the food and not just eat all good all the time because sometimes the body just wants to have something different and some treats. I have been tooooo strict with my food and not mixing it up... and in the last two weeks I have been really thinking about the food but not complusively so it is going to be interesting to see the scales on Tuesday as I didn't weigh in last week as I had an ear infection and hubby didn't wake me up to go to WW meeting grrr.

Rotten weather today but hubby and I went out and did a small grocery shop and got some dvd as the weather was soooo bad that we wanted to just veg with the kids. With life being so hectic in the last couple of months the veg day today was great.

Love ya all
Chubbymum

What the outfit looks like for tonight

I feel fabulous

Had my hair done today too. Not sure about the colour but I suppose I don't have a choice now aye he he.

Anyway will update later

Love Chubbymum

On top of the world

I am feeling so positive today.

Got up at 5.30am to go to Lean with Crusher and the others and was worried that Debbie wasn't going to make it as she was quite late this morning. We went for a walk to the dreaded River Road hill and went up and down it 5 times with slow from one pole to another and slow up and fast down and fast up and slow down and it wasn't too bad.

Debbie and I have been quite bored with just going walking and going up hills that today we said that if we were walking again then we wouldn't go back to LEAN till after xmas because if not we are going to end up hating going and we didn't want to do that.

So when we started walking Debbie and I looked at each other... it isn't that we don't like Lean and we don't like the people we are doing it with but it feels like we are at the back and the others are way ahead and we are left behind again... like not part of the team and quite bored with the walking.

We got back and played Netball first with a netball ball and then with a tennis ball.... OMG it was hard for me to see the tennis ball that when I saw the hand throw it I sort of timed it so that I caught it and most of the time I caught it and made a goal... it felt great to do something different and to work as a team not me and Debbie being at the back. I sweated more playing the netball than I did going up and down the bloody hill... it was great. I wish we could do that more often. I would love to play volleyball too... just for a change as I am not liking the walking... I don't mind every second time or something but it is just getting soooooooo borring.

I feel like I have lost centimetres this week... my skirt that I brought for Friday night was fitting me nice a week and a half ago and I put it on today and showed mum and it was kind of loose on me arghhhhh and I just brought the bloody thing.

Went out shopping today!!! Clothes shopping for a top. I just wanted something that would make me look absolutly fantastic at the Gym Xmas party... I have been getting quite a lot of compliments lately and I thought why not show me off he he he.

Went to a couple of shops to find the right top but there are a lot of shops out there selling only sleeveless tops and I have bingo wings so that doesn't help my self esteem.

I brought a Red sexy top (with sleeves) that has a criss cross at the front and it is a nice sexy red... my mum said to me (now if anyone knows my mum doesn't give compliments very often) but she said it really slimmed me down.... so the black skirt and the red top looks devine. I will take a photo on the night and show you what I look like.

I think I am well on my way to getting to the teens.... P.S thank you for the comments on the last post... Rachel I have taken heed on what you wrote and I think it is working... the portions sizes have been looked at and the fact that I am not eating morning and afternoon snacks unless I feel like I need food.

I can't believe the last two months... it has been the most challenging in my whole time on my healthy lifestyle but it has been the best because it is more positive as I am really thinking about what I do and not do to loose this weight.

It is challenging me to think about the food and the exercise and what I really want to do. It has also made me realise that I don't want to do things that other people are making me do or that I have to feel a certain way because I feel I have to to make someone feel happy.

Which is another thing... I am not going to keep friendships on that make me feel like I cannot talk to them and ones that don't really care about me... it sounds harsh when I re-read this but I am not meaning it to be harsh just that for years I was the sucker...

The reason I am saying this is because one of the parents at my work said to me yesterday "I can see how friends would suck off you?" and I said to her "what are you talking about?" she said that I listen and listen to everyone and sometimes do I wonder if anyone takes the same curtiousy when listening to you?.

I sort of looked at her with these eyebrows going up and she said "don't take it the wrong way but I always see you listening to people and helping people that you seem to always give give but do they give you the same respect or do they just keep talking?" Wow... didn't think anyone would say that to me.. especially a parent hmmmm. I do like listening to people and helping them... but sometimes I have to find people that will listen to me. Maybe that is the reason I write on here because people read about me... and want to read (well some of the time anyway) so that is my way to speak and people listen.

I am enjoying the fact that this blog is passworded!! I still want to keep writing on here and meeting new friends but I want to feel like I can write anything too... how great is that!!

Love ya all
Chubbymum
P.S going out tomorrow night so probably won't update till Saturday night and I can put up the photos of the gym night out. Woohooo

Hectic life

Well....

Life has just been sooo hectic in the past week I haven't even had time to breath much.

Friday:
Spent quite a lot of the day in bed as I just haven't been feeling quite right for a couple of weeks.

Went to the Weight Watchers pot luck dinner and had quite a lot of fun and too much food and the company was fantastic. We laughed a lot and it was great to meet up with different people than the people that are always in your life.

Saturday:
Well today was our 11th wedding anniversary and decided that we wanted to achieve a lot today. We cleaned our bedroom, vacuumed and dusted and washed the shower and bath and walk in wardrobe.

Then we rearranged the kids play room.

Hubby mowed the lawn while I went for a long walk with Quinn (he was on his bike) and while I was out walking with my headphones on I heard this almighty screach where a BMW was turning around and the next minute I saw this lady get out of the car and come towards me and for a minute there I didn't know who it was. It was a friend called Denise and she used to go to Weight Watchers about six months ago and she saw me out walking and had to come and give me a hug and say "OMG you have lost so much more and that I am looking fantastic so that made my day like you wouldn't believe.

Got home from my walk and hubby and I did some painting of the fence which took us a couple of hours and then went up and had a shower and got ready for going out on the town for our anniversary.

We went and saw the movie "The Devil wears Prada" what a great feel good movie. I felt a little like the main young actress in the fact that I wore what she used to wear and now that I am loosing some weight I want to wear all then nice clothes as well. It was a good movie and I even felt better sitting in the movie seats woohooo for me.

After the movie we went to an Indian restaurant as my WW leaders said that I am not treating myself enough but as usual I didn't know when to stop and I just felt really bloated and horrible after the dinner. I will gain for sure this week especially with all the exercise I did on Sunday (I will get to that) and then the Indian food.

Sunday:
Ok so I was up at 5.15am this morning! ARGHHHH couldn't believe I was doing this it was D Day the big triathlon at our gym.

This is what I achieved
12 km Walk (out around our town)
12 km Bike ride (on a gym bike)
4km Rower
50 press ups
50 sit ups

The time for the whole lot was 2 hours and 47 minutes which was a bloody good time but I must admit that the bike I did really slowly and I could have gone twice as fast but made a pact with Debbie that I would go the same speed on the bike if she stayed the same on the rower.. she ended up finishing 2 minutes earlier on the rower though... but hey I suppose that is life. hmmm

The walk was good because Debbie and I had our headphones on and we danced while we walked (listening to different songs I might add) it was probably the most fun I have had while walking that far. But we still worked our backsides off.

Went home after the triathlon and had friends from Auckland come down as they are buying a rental property and wanted some guidance as to what areas would be good etc.

About 3.30 we went to the Lean Xmas party on at Stephanies place. Wow what a place she has in the country the back yard was huge and trees galore and we played Volleyball outside (and to this day I don't know how my muscles managed to play the Volleyball after all that exercise in the morning).

The pot luck bbq was good but by about 7.30 you could see everyone getting really tired and quiet and then we all left to go home. I was in bed and asleep by about 8.10 after putting the boys to bed... and I soooo neeeded more sleep than I got but hey.

Monday
Work...hmmm was sore.... was grumpy..... didn't want to be there! But I was there and hey that is life when you have to do something.

7.30pm we had a meeting with a couple that were selling their business. We are thinking about buying a business and with it being a franchise it is well established and the kinks have been lined out and they have been going for like 15 years etc and have a good reputation so we went to find out the ins and outs and found out that they do it from home which suits me and they have 6 staff and are wanting to start a new little team of 2 so there would be 8 staff that I would have to take over and this lady does it from home and works part time in it as the girls she has just make it run really well.. and the best thing is no weekend work.

So from 7.30 to 10pm we were over there talking and I think this lady really thinks we can take it over because she was giving us all the details of how things work and what we do when etc and I am excited but nervous as I have NEVER NEVER had a business in my life and I have never done a business course. I have always wanted to own a business and this is a good way to start and if we don't like it we can always sell the franchise off.

For it to work fully to our advantage though we would need to grow it twice as big. She has 48 clients and really I think we should be a little bigger and see how it goes.

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On the weight loss front I am angry... I haven't been bad! I had my treat on Saturday night with the butter chicken (but I did go a little overboard) and it was our anniversary. But I can't get my groove back with the food. I am good and I don't loose, and I am bad and I do loose, but this week being bad once is going to cost me!! I had a little cheat look on the scales (which I don't normally do) and it is up by a kilo and I can tell you I have never gained that much in one week since I have started... yes maybe 800grams the most but never more..

I know I did a triathlon and I would have water retention and muscle build up but it is doing my head in.

I still don't know what to do.. I think now I am even more confused than I have ever been. I have to sort out my food as the exercise I don't think is a problem. I am only going to do 3 days of exercise for the next month and get back to sorting out my food.

The reason being... when I first started WW losing the weight I only did 2 days of kickboxing and that was it and I lost and lost and lost and now I am doing 5 to 6 days of exercise and I am not consistant... I hate that. I want to know that if I put the effort in that it will pay off and lately I can't tell if I am being good or bad and what the result is.

I do feel that maybe I don't know what all the sugar points are and I am not eating the right amount of sugar points.

God this is hard!!! My hubby said that any other person would have given up and I suppose in the past I would have but I don't want to. I want to get in to the teens and that is only 4 kilos away but those 4 kilos are staying put and they crept up last week by 400grams and this week feels like the same and I don't want that!!

I do know that everyone is in the same boat and I know that reading a post that is negative isn't good and people don't want to read but I have this blog to get out my feelings and see if there is a person out there that has had the same problem and can sooooo offer me advice.

I want to live my life and still lose.. I want to be happy and not to worry about food all the time and that is why I plan down every meal but then hubby and the WW girls say that I am being too strict with my plans but if I don't then I feel like I will go off the rails... I am torn.. I know that the WW ladies are right and that I have to treat myself... but my mind is torn between what I know is the better choice but then my body isn't liking it or is it?

Why is it so hard for some and easy for others?

Gotta go before I get myself more upset

Chubbymum

My Weight Watcher Leaders

I have the most amazing Weight Watcher leaders!!!

They both came around last night to talk to Debbie and I and it sort of mainly revolved around me so for that Debbie I am sorry.

I try so hard with the food that I didn't know what to do and these wonderful ladies came around and we chatted from 7.30 to 11pm OMG 11 o'clock and I sort of didn't want to end as they really made me think. What WW leaders would do that for anyone? They are the most amazing ladies. I envy their friendship (in a nice way of course) and what they have a achieved and what they will achieve in the future.

There was sooo many things that came out of this meeting that I thought about the whole night and even when I got up for Lean this morning I was thinking about it.

I am too strict on myself. I have plans on what I should eat and can't grasp the idea that I can have treats. Even restaurants we choose are good ones or I feel like I will go off the rails but it isn't working for me. The strictness is not working so I have a challenge of going and having butter chicken for dinner this week (not to go overboard) but I don't eat things that I enjoy anymore. I have had my life consumed by sticking to the plan and maybe it isn't working.

I went to Wellington in September/October and I wasn't fussy with my food and ate what I wanted and had treats and I still lost... maybe the reason being that my body needs it and until last night I didn't realise that..

The other thing that is becoming prominant to me while they were talking last night is that I am trying to please everyone else but myself. I do a lot of things that really I don't want to do but I am doing it (and realised this morning while talking to Debbie) that I do it because I want the recognition and for Crusher to say "OMG you are fantastic" when I don't need to have that recognition and really I don't want to be running because I am finding that my knees are just getting worse and worse and everytime I say to her they are hurting I can feel that she is thinking I am using it as an excuse.

Just like this morning it was pouring down with rain at Lean and I was thinking OMG thank God that we won't be going outside for another one of our walks again and what happened is that we went outside under the eaves and did leg kicks and stair climbing and squats and walking all with our legs and I was F&*(n sore again afterwards. I was soooo angry. I was angry as my knee isnt getting better and I was angry because my group isn't the same anymore.

I used to feel safe in this group... safe that these were friends and we laughed and had fun and did exercise at the same time. But now we don't have that anymore... we have a lot of new people and we have Sgt Major in there and it isn't the same anymore and I am holding on to this group because of the past that isn't there anymore.

I hated it this morning and finally realised it this morning. I hate paying money to go out and walk and be behind everyone else and feel like I am doing the same old same. OMG I can save my money and go for a walk by myself and do what we have been doing in the last 8 weeks and not get abused (by Sgt Major) for it.

I hate the mentality that men have... where they think "Oh I am your trainer and you must abide by me like you are my slave"... it doesn't fit well with me. I used to get bossed around by teachers at school and not encouraged and so going and doing that and paying money for it just isn't right. Why didn't I see that till this morning? Maybe I didn't see it till I was talking to the WW ladies last night to realise that I wanted it to still be the same as it was when we first started Lean and realistically it can't be the same.

I think the hardest part was that I can do this without going to Lean and why didn't I think about this before..? Why didn't I realise that I can lose this weight and I don't have to stay with the same thing. I lost my first 20 kilos WAYYY before Lean and ok I am fitter but I am not where near where I want to be in my weight loss.

I lost the majority of my weight before I went to Lean through twice a week kicking boxing and totally focussed on Weight Watchers. So maybe I need to get back to the basics.

Debbie said this morning that she would do anything as long as we were doing it together and that if not going to Lean was the thing then she would do it.

I broke down and cried and said that I didn't know if leaving Lean was good because if I left it and then something happened where she pushed me aside like Kris did I don't think I could pick myself up again.

I HATE losing friends (even though now I realise Kris wasn't my friend and I am glad that I ended it and that I didn't return her calls).

I have been holding back on the frienship with Debbie because of not wanting to get hurt again... not wanting to have to pick up the pieces or change my ways of doing things to avoid her like I am doing with Kris as even going to take the boys to school now is difficult because Kris is there... I couldn't also do that with work it would be just too hard.

Pooring your heart out to friends is the hardest thing because if the friendship breaks up then those friends know what gets to you etc... even though I must admit Kris didn't know half the things I felt because I never got the chance to confide in her because we were always solving her problems.

Kris hurting me twice has made me scared to make new friendship for the fear of being hurt... it is like being FAT all over again where I avoid it because it is better than the hurt.

I have my last event with Lean this weekend and that is our triathlon:

• 12km walk
• 12km bike ride
• 4000 mtr Rower
• 50 push ups
• 50 sit ups

Then that will be it!

I want to be in the teens....

I have 4.6 to get to the teens so that is all I am focussing on right now getting rid of those 4.6 kilos.

So since daylight savings is here this is my week from Monday:

Monday: Rest day after the Triathlon
Tuesday: Gym with Debbie and no Lean
Wednesday: Might meet Debbie at her place and go for a long walk
Thursday: Get up early and go for a walk with Debbie
Friday: Personal Training with Crusher
Saturday: Recover from Gym Christmas Dinner I think

I am going to have 1 treat this week on Saturday night (which is our 11 year wedding anniversary) and that is to have Butter Chicken.

I am going to have a REAL sandwich this week and not just wraps and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Karen and Kylie thank you for last night!!! You don't know what a relief working all this out is doing for me... it feels like I am living again and I am doing this for me again and not for all the other people (that mean well).

Deb's thanks for listening to me while I was upset this morning.. you are true friend.

Also thank you to all of you out there commenting and reading because without it I don't think I would have made it this far and I would have kept it all in.

P.S Rachel I missed you while you were on holiday girl! ;-)
Karen woohooo on your beautiful baby daughter... you will rock at being a mum hun.

Love Chubbymum

Weigh in 6

Hi guys

This is my 6th weigh in since getting rid of the acidic friendship... I have lost 4 weeks and stayed the same 1 week and last week I gained. I am not sure why I gained but as I told my wonderful WW ladies I am not giving up... I think they thought I might... OMG I don't want to do that.. I have said it but to be quite honest I don't ever ever ever want to be as big as I was again.... it is just frustrating when you know you are trying and you don't loose.

I gained 400 grams this week. Now two good things I didn't go below the 30 kilos and I have had a good streak of 5 weeks of good weighing and that is the most I have had all year because of my yoyo dieting.

I am more determined than ever to get this weight off my friends!!! It is not going to beat me!!

I think I have my exercise down now and I think now is the time to sort out the food even more and really look at it and really try to get my water sorted.

No more PISSING around body!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!

I have three ladies coming around tonight and I can't wait to have a GREAT chin wag it is going to be fun...

I have started off the way I mean to carry on this week. The girls at WW seem to think that I am not eating enough... so I am going to make a big effort to eat more for breakfast.

Anyway better get some work done he he he... I just feel on top of the world even though I gained last night.. I am doing better in the last 5 weeks and feeling more positive in my journey. Yes of course there will be gains but I have been having so much fun with Debbie and life seems to be going faster.

It is not going to beat me!!

I am not going to be fat anymore!!!

Teens here I come... then Ninety's here I come

Love Chubbymum

Don't Wanna

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

I don't want to be fat anymore

Round the Bridges

Got up at some ungodly time this morning so we could be in town for the Round the Bridges and found out that we didn't start walking at 9am we started at 10 OMG... OMG there was sooooo many people.

Debbie and I were wearing out orange T-Shirts that we made and I tell you we chose such a great colour because every other person was wearing white or red or blue or yellow... we were probably the only people wearing orange... and you could see us a mile away.

I met sooo many people from my old work (the University) there. My old boss and work mates and others it was amazing. One of my work friends came up to me and said "OMG Mandy is that you?" I said yes and she gave me a huge huge hug and said OMG OMG OMG look at you you have lost so much and so did her other half. I said yeah I have lost almost 31 kilos and she said you look amazing girl. I must admit I felt amazing this morning. So that put me on a high before the race that is for sure.

So the race started and Debbie said "we have to beat the lady on the crutches" OMG that lady was hoofing it around and made me think OMG if she could do it anyone could.

When we practiced the walk in the last couple of weeks it took us 1 hour and 35 minutes for the 6.3 km... and we thought that was a fantastic effort..

As you can tell... hubby is next to me in the orange and there is Debbie right next to me.

Today we were on fire.. we were passing people and jogging to pass them and jogging down hills and I must admit I wasn't drinking enough because I felt quite light headed half way but it was great.

Hubby went with us and was great he stayed just behind us and he took my water bottle in a bum bag for me and the support was great... I was sooo happy that Debbie did this with me we moved our little backsides and she is such a great support for me. My shins and blisters under my toes were killing me.... but I had to keep going because Debbie and I were going to get through this... the major hill at the end was the killer for me and I started to feel quite yukky but we decided that the three of us would run at the end.

There were so many people at the end and Crusher was at the end waiting and screaming and taking photos and I felt like I had done a marathon and we ran and Debbie and I raced and raced to the end... what an achievement.
Woohoooo we are running!!!! with all the tummy going everywhere he he he I am on the left and Debbie is on the right.

My mother in law and brother in law (with his new girlfriend, that I met for the first time at the walk today grrrr) were at the end with the kids cheering for us too. I was on top of the world... there were people we didn't know cheering for us and my friends from the Uni that ran the course at the end cheering us on too... I swear there was about 200 people at the end waiting for their loved ones.

Well needless to say we didn't win the race he he he but we did it in 1 hour and 8 minutes!!!!! We shaved 25 minutes off our time!!! We are troopers wohooooooo.

I am sore and tired and the others are playing playstation but all I want to do is go up and have a bath... but will do that when Debbie goes to her friends for dinner.

Love Chubbymum

Thoughtful Friday

Took boys to school and then went to the gym... admittingly I didn't want to go this morning... I had done my neck in in Auckland and looking to the right was painful. I must have an ear infection too... I know I sound like a hypochondriac but I'm not really.. just looking one way in the meeting in Auckland I think really did it for my neck.

Weighed in with Crusher and I stayed the same.. I know that Crusher wasn't too happy because her husband and neice are doing it and are losing.... I talked to hubby about that and really their metabolism is different. I tried really hard to stick to it last week. I am sure that Crusher doesn't believe me. I hated having wraps every single day and muesli for breakfast every day but I did stick to it and I didn't have any bad foods.

I said to Crusher that I was bored and to be quite honest that if I had to stick to having wraps for 6 weeks I would go insane. She didn't seem to happy and said to me "If I stuck to it... it would work" and maybe it would but the reason I have never stuck to a diet before Weight Watchers is because it was always soooo restrictive and I rebel against it. But with the points system I managed to lose 20 or so kilos without it feeling like I was going to explode.

We managed to have a chat about it all and decided that I would take the last three food plans she has given me and mix it up to make up the food I can eat for the challenge and to be quite honest that was fine with me... it isn't the same food every day so I won't get bored but I know that it will work. I am still having wraps but not every day. I quite like the wraps but not every day I like a little bit of difference in what I eat or I just go the wrong way.

Crusher worked me sooo hard this morning. I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes and three of those minutes I ran.. but she wanted me to not hold on and for some reason today I just couldn't I felt like I was going sideways... and so the running felt like that as well. I am not too sure if it was my neck giving me a problem or if my ear infection hasn't fully gotten better.

I was pushed to the limit on the treadmill that was for sure and it was good... I was sweating like a pig. Then I got on the water bike and did 10 minutes on the water bike and then 5 minutes on the water bike with arms... it was great and Crusher was a trooper!!! Thanks Crusher.

She did have a word with me about being positive with the weight loss and I will lose the weight. I do understand that but last week I was really positive and I tried soooo hard to stick to the meal plan from crusher and I did so much walking and gym that I thought I would have lost something and not just stay the same.. but as I pointed out to Crusher I haven't gained in 5 weigh ins and that is a positive thing. Crusher did mention that if I stuck to the plan for 6 weeks I would loose my 10 kilos before the end of the year. Maybe I would but I don't think I would be any happier by the end of it even if I did lose the 10 kilos... and there if I read it back is another point for Crusher because I wasn't being positive when saying it.

Debbie and I went for a walk/jog tonight... it was great and we were laughing the whole way around. It wasn't dark outside and if you know me you know running where people can see me is just NOT what I would do. But we did on the main main road and had people looking at us but I didn't seem to care. I was wearing jeans that were not very good as they kept falling down he he he so I kept holding them while I was running.

We had one truck driver go past and put up his thumb to say woohooo you two well done for running... and that made me feel really good. We did one street which is about a kilometre and then the rest we walked as my knee was hurting and her ankle was giving her trouble OMG talk about injury's he he he but we were still out there no matter what.

We got back and worked on what we were going to put on our T Shirts for tomorrow's Round the Bridges (6.3 km's). So we had bright orange T Shirts and on the front we put our name and on the back a picture of both of us smiling at each other and.....

The saying underneath was:
Two Chicky Babes
Turning the frown upside down
Pound the ground
Around the town bridges

Then on our backside we have:
"We really don't think we need buns of steel.
We'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."

It was fun doing it so tomorrow at least we won't loose each other with all the people going to be going on the walk/run.

Anyway what a late night that was and went to bed straight away... I have to start going to bed on time as it is not helping me what soever.

Byeeee
Chubbymum

Auckland Meeting with Work

Firstly Woohoooo KAREN congrads on the beautiful wee daughter born today!!! How wonderful!! You will both make such wonderful parents.

Went to Lean this morning and in a way was feeling rushed as I had to leave by 7.15 to get up to Auckland for my meeting with my boss (which by the way I have never met in person) and I have been with this new company 1 year (when they took over our creche).

It was a good workout at Lean today but I seriously think I need a break... I felt like I held people back today. Because the running is not good on my knees in the morning (maybe it is the cold) that when the others were told to run around the shops I walked and so my partner (whoever it was when I got back) missed out because I was late getting back and the others were doing other things. OMG do I hate that it reminds me of being back at school again and I avoided sports and the gym sessions with a note as a kids because I hated hindering other people.... I am feeling it more and more and more and it is getting me down.

I am soooo much better than I used to be last year with my exercise and I know this but I don't like feeling like I am letting people down and I know people will say you aren't letting them down but to me I am letting them down... they are supposed to be doing things to their best ability but with me holding them back is reminding me of school.

In a way realising this is such a big step for me as it is making me realise that the reason I didn't do exercise stemmed from my school days when I was told to do the exercise that I didn't like.... and forced to do it and I think that is why I hated exercise so much.

I had to be up in Auckland by 9am and I ended up leaving at 7.15 which really wasn't enough time with the horrible traffic jams that I came across. I don't know why I wasn't suprised I worked in Auckland for 5 years what was the suprise. I got in to Auckland at 9.15 grrr so I ended up being late. I think I should have not gone to Lean this morning but I am glad I did the exercise anyway.

But they didn't seem to mind. New Market hasn't changed since I worked there that is for sure... still expensive and stuffy he he he but hey that is New Market. The offices there weren't as big as I thought and I thought there would be a couple of office etc but the floor was quite tiny.. it was great to meet some of the people that I had spoken to over the phone over the year.

I was proud of myself at morning tea... my boss brought morning tea and was unpacking them from the food town bag and I was looking at it thinking OMMMMMGGGGG what the hell am I going to do? This is the food:

Mellowpuffs
Lolli bags
Chips
Biscuits
Hummus
Rice crackers

So you can guess I was happy about the rice crackers and hummus but they stuck them at the other end of the table... my boss said "have something" I said in a quiet voice "thank you for this it is great but I have lost 30 kilos and really I can't have this" I could see their looks as if to say OMG you are a big girl and you lost 30 kilos how bloody big were ya he he he in a nice way of course.

I enjoyed meeting all the girls especially one lady and we went out a couple of times downstairs so she could have a smoke to get away from another lady there that I wanted to rip her tongue out by morning tea.. she was the rudest lady I have ever met and wouldn't let anyone say a full sentence without butting in... both me and this other lady were getting quite annoyed.

I learnt so much about my job today... I have been there a year with this one company and hadn't been shown how to use the system I have been tutuing with it and that is how I learnt. It was great. Well our big CEO has said that he wants us to meet once a month OMG that is fine but it is on my day's off so I have to have my days off stuffed up and I don't know if I was happy about that.

But they are thinking about having it in a different region each time... like Christchurch, Wellington, Rotorua, Auckland and of course Waikato so I suppose that isn't too bad and they pay for the travel and the working day.... but still it is my day off hmmmmm decisions.... now don't get me wrong it is great but I have to have someone to take and pick up the kids as I can't do it and hubby did it today but if it was a regular thing I am not sure how his boss will react to it being every month.

I chose sushi for lunch woohooo for me. I also had my weetbix before going to the gym this morning at 5.30am instead of getting a ham bun from the bakery on the way to auckland so that is another thing to chalk up he he he

Hubby made Beef Strognoff (weight watcher recipe) tonight with dinner with veges too and so I think I have been fab!!! with my food. I will lose this week! I don't want my record of no gaining in 5 weeks to stop... I have 4 losses and 1 stay the same and this week coming has to be a loss... it has to.

I thought that everyday I would put a question down and try to answer it. I copied these questions from somewhere a while ago and can't remember where so here goes:

List 10 reasons why you want to lose weight. Which one is the most compelling and why?

1. To be described as "The skinny one" not "The fat one"
2. To weigh less than my husband!!!
3. To go into any shop and buy clothes
4. To live my life to the fullest
5. Stop hiding behind my size and to do things for me and not for others
6. To be able to eat in public and not worry what others think
7. To be normal
8. Have the energy to do anything and stop making excuses
9. To take my vows again but this time not in a fat dress but an amazing one.
10. To go and play a game with the kids and feel like I should be there.

I think the one out of the ten that makes me want to keep with it a toss up between number 1 and number 4 but really number 4 comes up the best. I want to live life to the fullest... I want to be happy and content and not to focuss on the weight but focuss on my life and doing what I want to do with my family and not be afraid of what others are thinking about my weight.

Hmmm might leave it at that.

Chubbymum

Weigh In last night

I felt so great at work today... I couldn't stop smiling and I am feeling so much healthier with my food and with my exercise and I have really really tried in the last couple of weeks after getting back from Wellington.

Went to weigh in tonight and I stayed the same and it really bothered me because I HAD made good choices and I HAD been really good with the exercise and I suppose I can't complain because in the last 5 weigh in's I have not gained not one bit.... I have lost and once stayed the same but not gained.

I even drank all my water and more every single day... I MEAN EVERY SINGLE DAY because I wanted so bad to loose this week. I had 900grams to get to my 5th stone.

I got a little upset at the meeting in front of my WW leader but at that point I was wondering what was the point... I mean I am doing this to lose this bloody weight and when I try really hard and stick to my points and my sugar points and my exercise and I stay the same it just hurts that I concentrated on it sooo hard and nothing!!!

I felt like a little baby but I have paid sooo much money going to Weight Watchers and the gym and I would like to see results... It is my spending money I spend on this and I don't get to buy or do much else because of it and for it to not work feels like I am wasting my money and I could do the same thing without spending the money.. I know that with my health that money isn't everything but I am not happy about spending money for nothing as I work damn hard for it.

I have to start doing this for me and eating what I want... I have been on this challenge with Crusher and it was my first week and I know she is going to tell me to stick to it but to be honest I am hating it!! I have the same breakfast and lunch most days and it is driving me insane.

I am going to go back to the plan she gave me before I went away to Wellington as the two weeks preceeding that plan I lost 1.1 and 1.2 kilos... so it was good for me and I didn't feel like it was restrictive.

Hubby was saying that when I know for sure I can't have something and when it is the same old same for days on end that I end up going the wrong way because I am hating thinking about food.

It shouldn't be this hard... how do others do it?

I was soooo angry that after dinner hubby and I went for a walk and it is a 3.3 km walk and every second light I ran... I am paying for it today as my knee has flared up again.

Went to LEAN this morning and once again felt like it was all out of my depth where everyone was improving and I was stuck at the back. I am going to be going until the triathlon and then I think I am going to give it up.... I hate this feeling and I am hating being outside all the time. I quite enjoyed our old lean with our old team and doing things inside and outside and now it isn't as much fun, I miss the laughing and the friendship.

I miss the challenges on the treadmill and the rower and the bikes and doing weights as well... it was more interesting but now it feels like walking and running all the time and I can't run or I pay for it the next day and to be realistic the reason my knee isn't getting any better is because everytime it starts feeling good I over do it again and it can't quite fully get better...

What do I do? I need some input on what people think?

Breakfast
Weetbix
Pineapple (Fresh)

Snack
Yoghurt
Pineapple

Lunch
Roll
Ham
Coleslaw