Shame

Wanna a batch is a home that is by the beach that people have as a holiday home and isn't used as a home 24/7, and yeah feels like I was in on the scotch he he he but nope I was in to the wine big time.

I have been distracted this week with food. I have been tracking up until yesterday but not really wanting to do this... but wanting to do this... and with people not blogging much I am just feeling realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly overwelmed with all the food available at the holidays.

I think what I am going to do is let myself off until Monday when I go back to work and things are back to normal. I am going to track but I am not going to be strict on myself. I hate the pressure of having to start on the 1st of January a new life etc... it is like no no no it isn't me... I need a break. I am not going to go out and eat eat eat but I am not going ot be worried about having wine or alcohol or eggs for breakfast I am going to be me until Monday 7th January...

Weighed in this morning and Christmas has caught up on me but hey that is life and from Monday onward I am back to my routine.

I am not happy about the gain but I have to take the gain and that is that.

Silly bitch I am... how could I gain so much over 2 1/2 weeks but hey that is life aye..
..............................................................

Weight last week: 119.2 kgs

Weight this week: 120.8 kgs

Loss/Gain: Gain 1.6 kilos

Total loss from WW: 33.9 kgs

Total loss from start: 39.2 kgs

..............................................................

Anyway I am going to hang my head in shame

Chubbymum

10096

Second post for the day

Went in to Chartwell to meet my step mother in law for a coffee and for her to get our drivers licence so that she can transfer the caravan over to us. Wohooo and she hugged us and said she was happy that the caravan was staying in the family and also that she knew we would treat it right so that was great.

She sensed that I was not happy that we were going back home to have Jeremy's brother visit... I think she feels the same way about them.

So anyway..... got home to have Brother in law and his girlfriend Annabelle come over. It was the first day we had seen them since they got back in the country on boxing day... FUCK FUCK I was pissed the whole time they were here... they went away for 6 weeks and they are my kids only uncle that they will ever have and they didn't even bring a FUCKEN bring a souvenier for the kids... not Xmas present not even a fucken $2 present or anything... absolutly nothing... what an arse..

So they were here at home and all they came over for was for Jeremy to tell them what sort of fucken computer to buy CAN YOU TELL I AM PISSED they can afford to buy a fucken laptop but can't afford a Xmas present for their own family. So the stuff we brought for them stayed upstairs and we are keeping it and my mum brought them a big tray of Ferriero Rocher Chocolates so we gave them to the kids he he he... bastards...

So we have spent the last hour talking about how wonderful their fucken trip was and how they were buying this laptop etc and then... GET THISSSS

Just as they were leaving his BIL went to Jeremy and said "Well I suppose it is time to say that you better congratulate me"????? WTF for?? He looked at Jeremy (who was sitting down) well you better congratulate me and my fiancee OMG really... I stayed still... wasn't going to jump up and down to people that were as selfish as them... and the only thing I said was "I suppose miracles happen huh" and that was it... didn't give him a hug or anything. was still seething how he could be so shit to our kids yet wanted us to say how wonderful to him.

All I can say is that he will find out when his kids grow (if they have any) that I am going to do exactly what they have done to ours... no birthday or Xmas presents from their only uncle.

Man I am seething....

What the Fuck is wrong with this family... even when we couldn't afford it we always brought something for them ALWAYS... not again... EVER it is not happening.

While they were going out the door the Vet rang and our cat has Thyroid problems and will be on tablets for the rest of his life morning and night... so there is more expense for us.. OMG I feel like we are forking out so much money at the moment and money we don't have.

$250 for the Vet yesterday

$50 today for the tablets

$100 for Registration for Vehicle

Jeremy's mum birthday on Sunday and him and his brother organising a lunch out as well as presents for her birthday.

I am feeling really low and depressed today and I just want to scream.

I am back tracking today as I feel like I want to eat that whole box of chocolates with the mood I am in today.

I need my tracking buddies today.... really need the

Much Better

Thank you for your concerns.

Found out that it was the milk. The fridge in the garage temperature was turned down and we had some extra milk out there and brought it in the kitchen to use and it was off. I said to Jeremy that my muesli tasted funny but he said no it didn't (but we both forgot it was the first time he had tasted the muesli) so he thought it was normally.. The night before the milk was used in making the dinner as well.

I have been really thinking the last couple of weeks and last week when I went to the gym with hubby I got sooo upset. I got upset because I seem to try and try and not lose the weight as fast as I want to and at the gym hubby kept saying "I am not sure what else to do because I don't think you are doing anything wrong" and then the tears poured out OMG how embarrassing.

I feel this year I am slowly giving up everything.

Gave up my Lean because of nasty bitch Kris, gave up my personal trainer because I just couldn't afford it, gave up weight watchers because the money was an issue but also I could do the same thing at home and I have been doing ok not going and I haven't gone the other way. Now with Kris back at the gym I just don't want to go there either... but I don't know whether I am not wanting to because of her or because this weight loss journey is bothering me now... because I am not getting the results I want.

The problem with me is that I want my cake and eat it too....

I am so unhappy about it at the moment. I went to the gym this morning but I am also sad there because I feel so alone. I never felt like that when I first started. But I feel alone at the gym and the time drags and I hate it.. and maybe it is because Joy isn't there at the gym anymore and I really felt that she cared and encouraged me?? I just don't know anymore.

I am also doing the same with my blog.... sigh...

Chubbymum

9299

Sad

I am a little sad today..

Have an upset tummy don't know if it is a bug or not...

But can't seem to sort it out... and NOOOOOO if anyone is going to say it I AM NOT PREGNANT... just been through a week of monthly GEESH...

But it feels like morning sickness.. really weird.... but I am certainly no pregnant and can say that for sure.

PHEWWW

I wish the holidays would just hurry up.

Chubbymum

9189

If it doesn't rain it pours

OMG got an email from my friend Pam to say that her child support went down by $200 a month OMG how does he think she will survive. She had a total of $20 a week left to buy food for the 3 of them and now she doesn't know what to do..

I couldn't take it anymore so I got involved (maybe I shouldn't have) but I texted him:

Neither J or Pam know I am texting u. But I had to say I used 2 think u were a great guy and admired u but after today I didn't think u would stoop so low as 2 hurt your children like u r because of money. I hope u don't live 2 regret it...

and I was shaking..... someone said to me today that since I have lost my weight I have gotten stronger and say what I feel and not such a push over..

Well an hour and a half later I go this:

If you had bothered to hear my side of the story you would understand. I didn't know bri was self hurting until J told me. She only tells what she wants to and changes it to make me sound bad. You two have made a choice of Pam. Bye.

So I replied:

No I did not make a choice of pam, and I did know u did not know about bri, what you may not know is that she is finding it hard 2 feed them on what she gets and now that the child support is less how is she 2 feed them now? They r also your responsiblity and ur r punishing the kids as well as pam and that is what I cannot understand. I don't want the friendship 2 end but one call in 6 months has not helped either. U give friendships up to easily. And.. this is not J's opinion and does not know I am writing 2 u.

My God what is wrong with the guy...

• Leaves his family
• Within six months is engaged and getting married in January 2008
• Refuses to pay mortgage on house and holiday property
• Was not paying child support for the first 3 months and now after been backed paid to them he has claimed for the sluts family and she gets $200 less a month
• Not wanting to see his daughter and now she is in counselling and self hurting herself
• His friendships have been put on the wayside
• He treating his ex like crap when he is the one that cheated.

How can this keep going? Is he wanting her to go bankrupt? If he does why would he do such a thing to his kids? Why do people do this? I can't understand the nastiness? can someone help me with this? I don't understand how anyone could change like that and I never thought I would be thinking bad thoughts about George EVER as I would have said I would have trusted him with my life and my family's life that is how much I thought about the guy.

I am distraught about it all.. I can just imagine what Pam is going through... it is not fair.

CM

Please help me to help her... what am I to do? She has no one.. .no famly it is hard.


8662

FUNK

I have been in a funk....

I have been feeling lethargic....

I am still being sort of good but not (if that all makes sense)...

So many things happening in my life with the kids and feeling like I have no time for myself.

The thing that has kept me going in the last week or so is that hubby is taking me away next weekend in the caravan and I don't know where.

I have been digital scrapbooking a lot lately and I have been doing wine bottle labels for an ex workmate (this is her third bottle she has ordered woohoo).... I am enjoying the creativity and have gone off thinking about weight loss and blogs for a while.

I know I have to get back in to it and I know I have to start blogging but doing the usual shut down when things get too difficult.

I just don't know!!!

CM

Basketball Hoops

After such a wonderful weekend as per below... I am in a grumpy grumpy mood today

Got back to work after only taking off 1 day and moaning people galore OMG... and not because of anything that you did Weeesplat.... (thank you btw for covering my invoices) but because they are whining wingeing shits that I work with.....

It has not put me in a good mood and I had such fun being away from work that I realise I don't want to work... I enjoy being at home and doing things but unfortunatly for me I cannot afford to not work ho hum.

Only today and tomorrow and then I am off work till Monday again WOHOOOOOO.

I am just sad and depressed and unhappy... I don't want to be and I tried to be positive and went out at lunch time instead of staying in but I feel fat and ugly and frumpy and and and the list still goes on.

I know that you are thinking... just think positive and it will be alright but today I just can't.

On a lighter note though:

Corbin has been on my back about a basketball stand hoopy thing (which I have already brought for Xmas that he doesn't know about) but anyway I said to him that if he could save his pocket money that I would pay half of it for him... knowing darn well that with only $5 a week it will be Xmas by the time he can afford it... so he was sooo excited.. and worked out that if I was going to pay $35 and he pay $35 that it would take him 7 weeks to save the money... so I was happy about that because he is young I was sure that a week or two in there he wouldn't have saved the money so it would be xmas by the time he got it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO that was all stuffed up this morning he he he.

The boys phoned me at work and Quinn said "We have money and I want to spend mine" I said "What are you talking about?" he said that their Great Great Nana and Grandpop sent them money for their birthdays.

I asked Quinn how much and he said $20 so I said "is that $20 each or between you" he said "between us"... wohooo I thought that is great... but OH NO it was $20 each he he he (which was fantastic of them that is for sure)...

So anyway Corbin gets on the phone and said "MUM (in an excited voice) I have only got 3 weeks till I can get my Basket ball hoop" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so I told Jeremy what he said and he was laughing and laughing and I said "stop laughing what am I to do".. he said "you have to give it to him and the money he gives you we can put towards another present for them for Xmas"

SHIT SHIT I thought I had the boys all sorted for Xmas and now I have to find another thing that I can buy for them... when will I learn to shut my mouth huh ;-)

I hate buying Xmas presents too late because I don't like going in to town with all the impatient people buying... so now I have to think of something else and here I was thinking I was a smarty and getting the presents all sorted for them early GEESH....

Anyway will update later.

Love Chubbymum

Can anyone help me? I can't help myself!

I think I needed this week to realise what a silly bitch I am.

I have been a stupid bitch for the last two weeks and havent been interested AT ALL in weight loss!!! NOT at all... not wanting to read blogs, not wanting to blog... hating myself... bitchy with my family. NO EXERCISE WHAT SO EVER. and basically this is not good.

I do know I have to get myself out of it but then I don't want to either... so hard to work out what I am going to do.

I am starting off simple from tomorrow.

Stay within points. That is it!! That is the only thing I am going to concentrate on this week. I have gone over in to the 120's again and I don't want that anymore.

So I am going to track this week coming and that is it!

Chubbymum

Bloated

So with the gain this week I am determined to do well this week coming. Feeling like the photo above... lots and lots of rolls he he he.

I am feeling really bloated and have had heartburn since the weekend. Feeling like a blob and terrible so I have to sort out myself this week it isn't good... I am not feeling good about it at all and unhappy and as you can tell less blogging as well.

Today was full on with doing the spelling in Quinn's class and taking my mum out to pay her bills and do some shopping as she hasn't been out of the house in a week (oh dear).

Kris sent a text today to ask if I wanted to go for lunch and to be honest I didn't feel like sitting there listening to her life. I know that sounds terrible but since not having her around I have not felt like my weight loss was going wrong. I have been happy with my weight loss even though it hasn't been a huge huge loss I have been consistant and happy and not down on myself in the last couple of weeks.

Anyway so since I go to avo tea with some friends I decided that I wouldn't go to lunch with her but she could come to avo tea with us. I didn't tell her that we do it every week though because I don't want her to come every week.

Then picked up the boys and organised for them to have friends over tomorrow arghhhh 4 kids under 8 arghhhhh tomorrow.. what to do, what to do he he.

It doesn't seem like I have done a lot but it was full on and I haven't had time to sit.

Tomorrow morning I am back to the gym because I have been slacking on the Friday gym for a while and I sooooo want to get back in to it as I am slacking with my exercise this year. With all the crap last year I can't seem to get back in to it and don't wanna... I miss my group! I miss people that I feel comfortable with and people that I can do exercise with and not feel like they are judging me. None of them are going anymore after all that happened which is really sad but hey...

I really enjoyed this weekend so much that it has made me quite sad this week because I haven't got those great ladies close... 5 hours away, 8 hours away 2 hours away and no-one around here... no one that understands, no one to go to the gym with or for walks with and it is depressing for me. I know I have the blogs and I have emails I do realise that... but I don't have people that understand what it is like. The friends I have don't have weight problems like I do and don't realise how hard it is to loose 88 kilos... finding it really hard.

SAD!!

I am in a sulk today....

Hubby away on a conference in Wellington... first time in years and I miss him and I am miserable!!

I am sad!!

I am sad!!

I am sad!!

I would never like to loose him because I would kill myself!!!

I am bitchy and I don't wanna be and I am eating the wrong things and I don't care!!

CM

What the F**K is wrong with me

A wake up call today...

Kris asked me to go to morning tea with her this morning and sitting across from the table it made me even more aware that I am glad I am not totally in her life anymore but ok with going to morning tea with her. She has finally got her shit together with her life but it made me anry too only because she now goes to my lean and has my trainer and it still pisses me off that she took over my trainer and my team (and I know I could go back but I don't want to spend any more time with her than a cup of coffee).

Also she has no way to cause trouble for me like she did over this blog... it felt great that my life is a mystery in that aspect. Plus I can still blog and she doesn't have a clue what I am writing it is great.

It is good that her life is going well and she is feeling better but looking at her she has lost 45 kilos and looks sick... she is gaunt and look too skinny (not sure that that is the way to say it but not in a healthy way).... but it has made me aware that I am piss assing around and I am doing the right thing and not having nasty food but I have not in the last week worried about portions or food at all. I am happy that I am not obsessing but I am not happy that I am not losing it either... and really it is my own fault.

I gained 500 grams this week and to be fair we went out for lunch and I have had a little too much bread (which is my downfall) I haven't gone overboard but I could have had other options.

My portions suck... I am having the same as I have had since I started but I have lost 34 kilos so realistically I should be going down in size too as my stomach is not as big anymore ya know... and I haven't realised that until watching Downsize me last night. Too much of a good thing is not good.

I am sorry I haven't been around posting much lately but with trying to get everything up and running with the Wedding Expo (which is scaring me no end because I don't feel like my invites are good enough) and with also finishing a wedding at the moment for a customer I have been a little bit preoccupied. And Lee-Anne I am doing your invites at the moment too just want to have a couple of different options for you to look at ok.... I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!!! MWAHHH.

Also looking forward to getting together at ChrisH house in August that is going to be soooo exciting and to be getting away for a weekend without kids is a good thing too Woohoooo... hopefully by then I will be able to afford to go down as well arghhhh.

Seeing Kris today has put the shit up me (sorry for the language today) and made me realise I can do both but I HAVE TO WANT TO... and ok I am not gaining as such because every second week I am losing etc but it has to stop!!!

So far my food today is:

Breakfast: Hubbards Fejoia Cereal, Mandarins, Bottle of water

Lunch: Chicken Salad

I am going out tonight with one of the kids friends parents to a show about How to raise boys and that will be great... can't wait... it will be good to go out with them without kids being around and just being us and they have two boys as well. OH an exciting I lead huh NOT he he he.

I need to have Leanne (from Downsize me) at my house telling me to stop being a silly bitch!!!

Anyway I will come on later but right now I have to go and do some more invites.

Love ya

Chubbymum

A loss

A loss with all that has been happening in my life this week I am happy with.

I lost 200 grams and hey it is going down and that is what I am happy with. I would have rathered it be more but I cannot be picky... as long as I don't yoyo again and it goes up then things are looking good.

Too many things in my life at the moment to worry about it being so small.

Husband lost 800 grams ho hum but still I did have a couple of days that I didn't give a stuff and didn't point so it is my fault for only losing 200 grams.

I know I say it every week but I have to put it in gear this week and get some more off... get in to these bloody teens... at least I know that even though I left Weight Watchers I am still losing and I wasn't losing that much when I was there anyway so it didn't really make that much of a difference.

Anyway... feeling flat today..

See ya

Chubbymum

Filthy Mood

I am in the most utterly filthy mood today... I am angry, I am moody, I am pissed off with myself.

I left home this morning not even talking to my husband....

I am fooling myself that I am doing good.

I haven't been bad at food but I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't want to do exercise since my Personal trainer left the gym. I cancelled my training with her last week because I was in a funk and my monthly coming on.

I don't have any interest in being good with my food as in really chosing the the low fat salad... cut down on the bread etc.... I tried my hardest to be in such a high mood all week and to change my attitude and be happy and I am sorry but it didn't work.

I didn't go to morning tea with anyone today and instead went for a walk down the end of the road for a V and to get out of this bloody mood and this bloody office but it hasn't worked, I am even more angrier.

I wasn't going to post because a couple of posts like this from me and I can imagine that people would be getting sick of reading because it is isn't motivaitonal. I know that I can sometimes just glaze over the moodieness of people as I understand but don't think I can help... as I am not exactly a good role model at the moment... so how can I help.

In the last year I haven't even managed to lose more than 10 kilos... and I soooo know about... it is better off than on... I worked my guts off last year with all the challenges and exercise etc and this year and 10 kilos is all I lost......I have no enthusiasm for it at all this year.

Hubby seems to think it is because I don't have anyone to go with anymore... I do I have him and it still doesn't motivate me.

I feel so sorry for Helena because we are meeting up tonight as last night didn't work for Helena (poor thing but I am sure she will tell you in her blog) and tonight we are supposed to be going to Weight Watchers... and to tell the truth I don't want to be going to Weight Watchers... it is discourging me more and more to see people loose weight and I sit there being a fake... a fool.... a person that can't get this weight off and I seem to say I do... but do I? if I did then the weight would be off.. But I still want to see Helena...

I track... but I don't care!!!

Why can't I find one thing and it works..... I am not really doing anything different than I have in the first year... is it too hard? Am I wanting it to be easier? but it can't be?

Went to bed angry last night... woke up angry this morning and I cannot shake it.

I DREAD Tuesday's... I dread being weighed... but I am scared not to go to Weight Watchers because everyone that has ever left has been ok for a while and then they end up going back anyway...

I have it in my head that if I leave Weight Watchers and then I have to go back then it isn't going to be the 154.7 kilos that I started my card with and they won't acknowledge that when I go back... and instead it will be the 130's etc that I will be after realising that I can't do it on my own and I need the acknowledgement that I have lsot the 30 kilos... yeah self centered bitch aren't I.

YES CRAZY WOMAN TALKING HERE.

Even when I say to myself that I am going to put my food on here... I feel like cheating because I don't want anyone to know the crap I eat even though I keep to my points... is it crap food? or is it quantity? am I fake?

Crying while I am writing this!!! and scared that someone is going to come in to my office and see me crying!!!

Maybe I am not doing so well because I have done this 10 week challenge? I don't do well in competitions!! I don't do well when I think I am not going to do it or I can't see that far ahead.

I want to lose this weight and I set goals and I set things up so that if I fail then I have consequences but so far all this challenge is doing to me is making me go the other way. My goals are things that others have done and I think is cool... but I can't find ANYTHING that motivates me... I don't really have the money for big things.. I don't really NEED for anything... because I have pretty much all I want.... foot rubs, money, charm bracelets don't do it for me...

I know I have kept within my points this week.... I have done exercise.... I have my monthly and when I have my monthly I gain... but I don't want to gain for a second week in a row!!!! I am going to gain though.

I don't dish up our dinners because frankly I can't trust that I won't nibble while dishing and so hubby does it and then I eat... now we have had this talk about the amount of food on my plate for weeks and so I have asked him not to put lots on my plate because I have no self control and I WILL EAT what is on my plate.

I got Helena's book out of the library (Metobolic typing diet)... did the quiz and I am a mixed type... now I have started reading the information about a mixed type and I am even more confused now...

How do I start? Am I sooo thick? I start reading and then when it restricts something then I block off and start thinking Nahhhh couldn't mean that I can't have it... it is like my brain wants something else.

How does Helena do it? She is such an inspiration? How does she keep so happy all the time and so focussed and soooo damn happy!!!!!!

Ok I am rambling now.

Bye
CM

UPDATE:

At lunch time.. instead of sitting and eating my lunch I went for a walk... walked for 15 minutes and then walked 15 minutes back... now I am in the middle of an industrial area so it is boring as... but felt that since I was in a bad mood that I should get out and try and get rid of it. I feel better for going for a walk but still in a foul mood.

I am taking on Abba's suggestion..

This week:

1. Drink my water
2. Smaller Portions
3. NO CHOCOLATE and 2 V's only a week
4. Track on blog (honestly)
5. At least 4 hours of exercise

That is it!!!

I am usually not bothered by Chocolate but in the last 2 weeks I have wanted it sooo bad.

In regards to V... OMG I am addicted and have one a day so having 2 a week (for now) is good for me and concentrating on getting rid of them totally.

So that is it!! that is what I am going to do!

I am not going to let this challenge beat me... I have to have lost something by the end of the 10 weeks.

CM

TTOM - and me

Ok so I am copying off Lyn at the moment as I thought it was quite cool.... You just type "(your name) needs to" in Google and see what it says! Funny!

So here are mine:

Mandy needs help in ways I cannot comprehend
(he he he yep yep yep I certainly think so he he)

Mandy needs to keep her image clean and remember what got her to where she is
(sometimes I wonder about the internet ;-) )

Mandy needs to brush her hair, that "windblown" look is just frizzy and nappy...you are on a beach for crying out loud...do blonde and something bright.
Windblown, frizzy and nappy.... well tell me what you think already.
Isn't it cool how if you put a sentence in it can bring out so many things.

I needed that to cheer me up. I HATE HAVING MY TTOM OMG!!! I am not liking it this month. Since losing weight they are getting more and more nasty and on time grrrr... I think I liked it more when I was always late so that I didn't get them every 4 weeks but more like every 6 weeks grrrrrr.

Had to drive to Raglan today for Corbin's soccer game. I am beginning to think that I am a jinxx because they lost their game and basically really played badly and didn't try when last week hubby said they were on fire. Quinn's team won 6 to 4 OMG and when I was with the team last week they didn't get any goals... he he he so I am a jinxx.

It was a nice drive to Raglan... it was foggy but it cleared up.


After the game we went looking around the shops and there were nice shops there but OMG they charged the earth for things. One little lipgloss that you could get for $5 in town was like $19 everything was sooo expensive.

We went into a coffee shop to have lunch but I was too scared to have anything... only because it wasn't looking good for me and I AM NOT GOING TO GAIN I am trying my hardest this week... as Celtic Girl is my inspiration. I mean we both started on the same weight and now she is almost in her teens (so jealous but soooo happy for Celtic Girl as she deserves it TOTALLY).

Not sure how the weigh in will go though because of the monthly and I always gain with it but I am going to try my hardest.

Leenie comes up to Hamilton this week coming and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully she can come to my kickboxing classes with me. Monday and Wednesday nights are the nights... I have even told my Kickboxing teacher about how amazing she is and so she is looking forward to meeting her. I hope she has time to come to the classes it should be fun.

I need to get some peppermint tea in to me... terrible TOM cramps tonight.

This afternoon after getting back from the soccer, hubby took the boys out to the playground and I went upstairs (to get away from my mother to tell the truth) and I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's... not finished it yet as the boys came back and annoyed me but hey. It was nice to sit there and watch an old fashioned show and just blob out. I know I know second day in a row but I have just felt like blobbing these last couple of days.

My mum is driving this whole family insane today... the boys have been good and all of us sat down to watch a DVD and all she can do it come in and we pause and she moans about something and then walks out and then slams the doors and kitchen cupboards etc... and I am not letting her get her way. This is my family and we work damn hard all week and have school, work, soccer and do all the chores and homework and in the weekend we want to blob and she is not going to make me or the boys feel uncomfortable about that. I left home because I didn't feel happy or comfortable living there and she is not going to do that to me again.

I know it was me that asked her to live with us when Dad died and I do love her but I can't leave home anymore because it is my home and I am not at 36 years old going to be ruled by her little tanties anymore.

Does anyone else have lazy days? I just feel lazy and I will get over it. I am not feeling like I could eat the whole house today but I am feeling moody and grumpy...

I DONT WANNA FEEL GRUMPY..

Thank you guys for all your posts lately... it keeps me happy and sane!!!

I was on Livy's page today and I clicked on the following and after reading what was said after doing this made me realise that it got it right... I am sooo like they said...

I want to go to Tuscany and Venice!!! I would love to have a Villa there and spend time with my family and watch the beautiful land and get caught up in the village ways and just feel relaxed and serene and free to learn a new culture.... ok... enough dreaming I will come back to life now.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Anyway now that I have stolen two great things for two blogs he he he I think I might go back to reading my inbox.. OMG I have 177 emails to get through. GEESH ME!!

Love ya all

Hope your weekends are going well..

Love Chubbymum

Hissy Fit

Ok now that my hissy fit is over.

I have no excuse for the gain that will happen tonight... I am just unhappy because I really wanted this challenge to get my arse in to gear and I have fallen off after only two weeks.

I just wanted to be able to lose the 5 kilos in the 10 weeks ya know.. I wanted something to kick me off.

I guess I am bored!!! and that isn't an excuse either..

• I am bored with dieting.
• I am bored with tracking.
• I am tired of worrying about what I eat.
• I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly watch the scales.
• I tend to want food that I can't have even though I don't want it.
• I am soooooo tired of being a moaner.
• I wish there was a magic pill.
• I know I have to be realisitic and it isn't going to come off by magic.
• I am tired of feeling like I am losing a battle... and that others are soo more on to it than me.
• I hate feeling sorry for myself.
• I look back on the last year and I was crap at the losing weight.
• I DON'T want to give up but feel like I am going to.

What keeps me motivated? I am not sure!! and I suppose I have to find out what that is.

I think I am trying too many different things to lose the weight and not sticking to anything that things are going right.

I am finding now that when I do more exercise that I am wanting more food and I should be trying to eat good wholesome food but what I am grabbing for is bread.... bread.... and more bread.

I want to find something that I am comfortable with and that I can stick out more than 2 weeks.

I want it to feel normal and for it to feel that I am leading a normal life and not to think think think about it... and I know that for me to loose weight that I have to think about it.... can't win really.

I have this pit in my stomach and I don't want to go to Weight Watchers tonight!!! I feel like I am going through the motions but it isn't clicking with my head. I don't want to go to Weight Watchers only because I am spending money and really not getting anywhere fast...

I am not wanting to not go to Weight Watchers because of the leaders... because they are wonderful... but is Weight Watchers helping me? I feel like I am spending money to weigh in and I can weigh in and know what my weight is at home. I know what I should be doing... well I should after 2 years...

Tell me what you all think? Is it worth keeping on with Weight Watchers just because I adore the leaders? I stay for the meetings but am I listening or am I getting frustrated that all these wonderful ladies are losing this weight and what is their secret and I am doing FUCK all.

I have also found that I have been doing more exercise and I am not losing as well but I love doing the exercise... why is it that something you enjoy and that is supposed to be good for you isn't helping in the one thing you want.... and it is supposed to help with the weight loss.

I worked my butt off last year with exercise and triathlons, boot camps, tough guy/gal challenges and I didn't loose much weight... why grrrr??? because I can't figure it out! I can't work out if I am doing too much exercise and is this hindering my weight loss? Or am I not doing enough cardio? or weights?

I know that it isn't just exercise and that food is a big part but I am keeping within my points and varying my food... so the reason for it I just don't know.... I am getting myself in such a tizz about it..

It feels like one week on a high next week on a low... and HATE living my life like this.

I do know that all of you are going through the same thing and if there was a magic cure then you would be doing it as well....

Sometimes I feel like eating salad every meal and slowly I will lose the weight or doing the shake for breakfast lunch and dinner and then I wouldn't have to worry about what I am eating... or maybe stop eating altogther.

I know it is a head space thing!!! I do realise this!!! just how to get my head around it every week instead of feeling like I am bi-polar and one week I am high and the next just normal and then the next on this extreme low and not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone or even get out of bed!

Chubbymum

Pissed!!!

You Are 28% Control Freak

You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go. You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent.

Are You A Control Freak?

Ok.. so I am pissed off with myself this weekend...

I ate too much.... I couldn't stop it!!!

Well I could but I didn't!!!

I didn't have any willpower...

I just felt hungry all weekend...

So I am going to gain this week and I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!!!

I am F**ken yoyoing and can't get under the 120's and cannot get to the 35 kilos!!!

I SUCK!!!

I don't have any excuse! I just want food food food...

Quite pissed off can you tell!!!

CM

Been in a funk

Been in a funk today!!!

Back at work but my back was killing me today.

Over the weekend things seemed to go ok with my back and I had twinges here and there but they were bearable but today I was in agony. I went to the doctor's after work and got some different pain killers and they make me feel just as weird as the ones I took in the weekend.

The pain killers the doctor gave me Thursday morning made me feel really relaxed and that was good but I felt so light headed it was a strange feeling and then on the Friday morning I threw up and felt really bad for the whole morning.

I am so hoping that these tablets do the trick.

I didn't go to WW tonight and there were a couple of reasons...

1. I was in agony and I could not have sat in my chair and listened and driving there wasn't good either.
   
2. I haven't been that wonderful since not being able to exercise and I had an email from one of my WW leaders and she was straight to the point that exercise doesn't mean I can't lose the weight (and I know she is right) but I have been a stupid cow (yes I know guys I said stupid again) I have not tracked and I have not really wanted to... I have given up in the last couple of weeks.
   
3. I have gained!!! I just know it and I feel it!!

I feel like a broken record and had a huge breakdown with hubby tonight about it all. I feel so out of control and I just wanted to finish with WW this week for good because I just haven't cared. I shouldn't use the back as an excuse but honestly today I was in so much pain at work with my back that there was a morning tea and I didn't stop at just one thing!!

I got my ACC letter today saying that I was covered for my back. I am so happy about that because I think I will be going to the physio quite a lot until it is sorted as I am going back to my exercise because I feel so down in the dumps and my emotions are all over the place when I am not being active and I am not liking it.

Anyway.... hubby and I have a plan from tonights dinner that I am going to cut everything down but a quarter. So for dinner I had chilli con carne and salad and it was filling. I am also going to cut down on the carbs as I eat too much of them.

I do want to keep with this lifestyle change. This afternoon while sitting in my office I was feeling sorry for myself and I was totally going to give up! I was!!! but after getting off my sad horse I know I can't do that.

Tomorrow I will:

1. Go for a walk even if it is just down the street and back and not to overdo it so my back hurts.


2. Drink my water.


3. Have a good breakfast so I don't feel that I have to nibble.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok my bitch over now...

Attached are some photos of my camping trip and I know I haven't sad too much about the weekend but to be honest I don't want to... because I would say negative things and I want to remember that I had time with my family and that was the most precious thing that weekend (apart from meeting lovely lyn that is he he).
Above my boys were sitting on a lovely rock at Karangahape Gorge and I just loved how delicious they looked. My boys were so happy to be going on holiday... look at their faces and this was only the first day he he he.

Corbin took this photo little cheeky monkey. We thought we would catch a kiss while the boys took a photo of the water and he turned around and took a photo of us instead he he he.

Isn't Wahi just beautiful!!!! I just love this photo and I loved walking up this beach in the weekend and I also loved just sitting there and taking it all in.

This is hubby and Tania's hubby and the kids making sandcastles and having a great time.

Like father like son... Hubby called me and I turned around and there he was taking a photo of me relaxing at the beach... but I do like this photo I must say.

We went long line fishing and we caught a sting ray OMG I was like gobsmacked because I didn't think that stingray's would have been that close to shore but they are and you would be happy to know that we set it free to go back to the sea poor thing.

Good night everyone... I need to get some sleep.

Love ya

Chubbymum

Don't know what to do!!!

I don't know what to do!

I have been reading books on weight loss for a month now because I feel lost!! I don't know what to do!

I have gotten complacent with WW not that I don't think it will work. IT DOES but after 2 years of doing it I am starting to be soooo boring with my food. I point but then I am getting confused with the sugar points (they don't have them anymore and it drives me insane so I still do them).

Ever since I started the exercise points stumped me.. I mean for doing one kickboxing class I get 13 points OMG I can only take like 14 a week so if I do kickboxing 3 times a week and other gym things I can't take it so what is the point in give us bigger people so many points?

I am not going to WW like I should every week and that is because I am tired of the rivalry with Debbie!! Tired of feeling like we are competing... but I like talking to her but everything is a competition with her and she keeps nudging it in my face that "I suppose you have lost more than me now etc" Which I am 7 kilos of even catching up to her but she doesn't know that.

I need some sort of food plan to get me excited again... I can't win with me at the moment... when I was planning I was overdoing the planning and being annal that I couldn't lose anything and then when I a relaxed and not anal then I start gaining. I can't find a happy medium.

I even paid like $65 (hubby doesn't know he he he) for a book from the UK about two ladies that lost a lot of weight and what they discovered and the book is fantastic and it makes sense when you read it but a little scared to try it because it goes against everything that I feel is right... It is a mixture of a lot of diets... mainly the Atkins where you don't eat Carbs for the first 2 phases and then slowly bring them back in... I just can't grasp the concept of having bacon and eggs for breakfast and no toast... and cream and rich stuff and cheese...

OMG.... if you gave me cheese I just couldnt stop myself as I am a cheese aholic... like some people love chocolate I LOVEEEEE CHEESSEEEE and find it really hard to stay at one slice of brie etc.

I feel like my whole life this week has turned me upside without having my PT's and Kickboxing I am like a bear with a sore foot.

I know I am having too big a portion and I have to stop it but then I am doing this emotional eating thing where I can't get my head around it.

We had a morning tea for Easter for work this morning and I ploughed in to the chips and dip OMG what was wrong with me I haven't wanted them in 2 years why now? I couldn't help it and the more I ate the more I wanted... I am a silly BITCH that can't control her fucken food and I am going insane.

Emailed hubby and he seems to think it is because I feel trapped with no exercise and the pain in my leg but OMG that is no bloody excuse is it!!! I mean I know I shouldn't be eating this crap!! I know it isn't good for me!! I have 1.2 kilos to get to my 35 and it isn't coming!!!

I have to start tracking and putting it up online!!! I have to keep it going and take responsibility. I track on my tracker and I put everything I have put in my mouth in it so I don't cheat on it but I am not feeling guilty like I should about it.

I am really worried about the camping trip this weekend with all the crap I know the others are going to have... I have to get up and go for a hobble(walk he he) instead of sitting there with the food in my face all the time... .

I want my posts to be positive again. I was going to start Lean this week and that is down the toilet because I wouldn't be able to keep up and in the last couple of months my fitness has gotten up to a better level that I thought I wouldn't be feeling a little out of my depth with Lean and now look at me OMG.

Moan over
Going to do some work now ho hum

Chubbymum

Quite depressed today

Mar 5, 2007 at 9:46 AM

Depressed today... I was yesterday too.

Missing being on blogger some days because I really love meeting new people but then I don't want some to be able to contact me either... caught in a nasty circle there... can't win aye.
Not liking my job!!!! Hating the fact that I am going to have to wear a uniform soon with this new bloody company. I hate uniforms as they are never comfortable and they don't show your personality and it feels like a meat factory. I sit in an office by myself anyway and don't usually see many parents so what is the bloody point.

Skirt and a shirt... blue and white OMG how boring is that and they look so starchy and OMG I am going to hate it. I DONT wear buttons!!! I hate shirts with buttons!!! and now I am going to have to wear this and feel even more depressed... I would rather wear what the girls wear looking after the kids than wear a fucken suit!!! I know bitching and moaning isn't going to help but it just FUCKS ME OFF that people take away individuality and think that everyone should be wearing the same fucken thing OMG it rubs me the wrong way.

Why am I not happy?

I don't know myself?

Missing my life from last year where I could write on my blog and meet people!! Missing the freedom... missing the comments

BYE

Comments

Tracy wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:10 PM
Hey Mandy. Sounds like things are gettiong on top of you. Why don;t you keep 2 blogs, this one private where only invited people can read & another more generic one in Blogger to keep on meeting new people etc.

As for the uniform, yup they suck BUT you can always ACCESSORIZE - show your personality with jewellery & painted nails etc

Hope today sees you feeling better :-)

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:16 PM
Ok, from now on, I'm gunna leave 20 comments a day, how's that? Bugger on the uniform, I friggin well hate em too.... buttons... oh my god I hate them too.... they usually gap in all the wrong places, and cos you feel uncomfortable and self conscience in them, they are even worse to wear! Can't you make up some sort of excuse why you have to wear a t-shirty type of top instead? It could be in white, just not with buttons???? Point out to the bosses that you are not in contact with the clients, so why does it matter so much? Hey, you could be allergic to that particular material ! I bet it's polyester, it is awful, doesn't breathe and is sticky to wear.

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:17 PM
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed, I wish I was up there to drag you out for a girly afternoon tea and yak.

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:19 PM
So, you are a private blog now cos of how many people? Can't you go public again, and keep other "comments" that you need to get off your chest for your "private" blog? It's just a thought.

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:19 PM
Are you feeling better yet? Want more comments?

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:21 PM
By the way, you are a girl, and we have days when NOTHING IS RIGHT! It comes with the territory, hormones and all that. You are bound to feel better in a day or two, chin up. lol

Chris H wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 2:22 PM
I'm trying hard to think of what to say next..... just you wait till we come up to Hamilton next..... we are going to get together and have a laugh!

Anne wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 6:13 PM
I wonder what would happen if you started a blog again. Surely Kris woldn't have the nerve to do what she did before.
You sound quite down. Hang in there witht he job but maybe start looking. I hate uniforms too and had to wear oen in my last job, being bigger I didn't get the options the others did and just hated it!

Our journey wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 9:31 PM
Hun - super big hugs to you! And I do hope you are feeling better by now... I must admit that I do read all of your posts but am guilty of not commenting frequently! Am always here for you hun... take careLove ya lots xx

Lynise wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 9:52 PM
oh Mandy, so sorry to hear that your not feeling too great at the moment. Chris might not be close enough to take you out for a laugh and a chat, but I certainly am. (if you feel like company I'm only a short drive away. Now that the new motorway is done through Mercer it only takes me 50 mins to get down to Hamilton. Have car, will travel :-)
Lynise

Lynise wrote:
Mar 5, 2007 at 9:55 PM
PS: I would be feeling the same about the whole uniform issue. I would absolutely hate it. I have only had to wear one in one job and don't think I would handle it well again at all. Lynise

janene wrote:
Mar 6, 2007 at 9:37 AM
Hey Mandy, sorry to hear that you are feeling so down at the moment. And sorry that I'm so slack with my comments!
Maybe since you and Kris have called a truce of sorts you could think about going back to blogger. I don't think you should let her behaviour prevent you from doing things that you want to...
Just my 2 cents...

And BLEGH to the uniform. Tell them to go shove it. Does your friend need someone to help in her shop?? I'm sure you could find another job quite easily, it certainly sounds like you've got a lot of valuable experience that any employer would leap at the chance to have onboard.
Anyway, sending you big hugs today.