Caught in a web of indecision

Lee-Anne you are right.... it is time for me to update he he

You guys know what my weekends are like and ever since I have been to that parenting seminar I have been spending even more quality time with the kids.... so let's see what have we done

Saturday was busy shopping with the kids getting Lego and jigsaw puzzles because we knew the rest of the weekend was going to be crappy so we organised with the kids that from Saturday afternoon till Sunday morning we would have a camp out in the lounge... so we got their mattresses from their beds and their duevets and pillow and we camped in the lounge with popcorn and chippies and drinks and we played Lego and jigsaw puzzles and watched DVD's and basically spent time in our PJ's just doing things with them. It was great and the day went really fast and they even got to stay up till around 10pm watching the rugby (as we never let them stay up past 7.30 he he but I felt generous).... half way through the rugby they fell asleep woohooo so we got some time me and hubby chatting... We also went for a walk down and back on the river as it was nice in the morning when we went.

I totally enjoyed that day doing that and spending money on jigsaws as well.

Sunday was a miserable day but it was not going to stop me doing my exercise.... so we all got our raincoats, boots, umbrellas and warm weather gear on and went for a walk in the rain... I swear the people out there thought we were completely nutty but we enjoyed it and the boys got to trample in the puddles etc so that was great. We went 6,320 steps on our walk so I was pleased with that and felt that I didn't mind spending the rest of the day doing jigsaw puzzles and watching tv... woooohooo for us. I was smiling in the rain because the boys weren't too happy we were doing it at the start but they totally enjoyed it while we were out. We did manage to stop at the coffee shop and have a hot chocolate so that made their days too.

So I am back at work today boo hoo and not feeling like I want to be here but I am and hey that is life.

As you all know I haven't been going to Weight Watchers for about a month because I have been paying for it and feeling like I wasn't learning anything new out of it and that I could do it on my own....

Well anyway a lady turned up in my office today from Weight Watchers (not the leaders just a lady loosing weight) and said that she couldn't miss the opportunity (as her company delivers the bread to our creche) and she told them that she would go and deliver it today and so..... anyway she came in to my office and said that everyone is missing me and that I am such an inspiration to her and the reason she kept going and for me not to be there is quite a downer now.

Said that she was sad to hear that I wouldn't be coming back... OH GOD now I feel quilty but happy at the same time because I didn't want to leave as I made some great friends but I couldn't justify the money either for the yoyoing I had been doing but I might reconsider as this might be the push that I needed??? She didn't have to do that and it was a nice thing for her to take time out to come and tell me that... hmmmm lots of pondering is going to be happening I think.

I was telling her about my delima with Debbie and that I felt like the competition wasn't good and I didn't want to ruin our friendship either and she said "she is such a negative person and I would much rather that you were there instead of her and that I should still be going and if the friendship was worth it then it would get through it" OKKKKKK so that made me feel like a bitch for saying it because I can lose this weight if I want to I just have to work out a way that I can not let Debbie and her competing get to me... I know it is in my head but it is hard to compete with a person that is 10 years younger and doesn't have anything stopping her because she is single with no kids etc....

I just don't know what to do. I spoke to hubby on the phone and he said the reasons that I left Weight Watchers were right and that I was spending money for nothing and that I know what to do I just have to do it and that is what we are working on at home. So now that made me even more confused... I don't know what I want to do.... sigh

I am feeling really great about the steps diet I am doing as it is a little like Weight Watchers but if I want something naughty I need to do more steps etc to make up for it and it seems sooo simple to me. But I do love the support I get from the ladies at WW too... grrrr

Anyway before I do my head in I am going to go.

I really should be blonde shouldn't I.... ditzy bitch I am.

Love ya
CM

Honest

To be quite honest I thought about not weighing in this morning as I haven't weighed myself in a week and I usually weigh myself everyday.

The reason for not weighing myself everyday like I have been is because I don't want to dread my weight anymore. I do TOTALLY feel even though I am yoyoing around that I am losing inches because I have to put my belt in 2 notches and my clothes are getting to big in the arms and in the waist so I do feel even though the scales aren't saying it I am losing weight.

As yesterday's post you all know now that I am doing this on my own (well with my adorable hubby) at home so we both weighed in this morning. Hubby was up by about 800 grams (OMG) and I was up by 200 grams (OMG I thought it would be more). The reason I thought it would be more is because of Mothers day. Now I know it was a week and 2 days ago but my weight usually takes 1-2 weeks to show up and so I thought with the terrible mothers day I had that I would have had a dooozy today but it was ONLY 200 grams OMG OMG I am sooo pleased with that.

I have been having smoothies for breakfast and cutting down my carbs and having more protein and pointing... I am doing a mixture of Helena's bible and weight watchers.... I can't get my head off pointing... but it is a good thing I reckon because at least that is one habit that I have stuck with aye.

So do a little jig do a little jig Mothers day was combated and I only gained 200grams... if you saw what the boys cooked for me on that day you would wonder why I didn't gain more he he he.

Lyn you and me girl!!! Weigh in's on a Wednesday now wohooooo. Still thinking about the online WW so I keep my record going but not sure.

Anne re yesterday's comment... yes WW was getting rather repetitive for me and I totally miss it because I miss the company of the leaders so much but really I am fooling myself and maybe if I can get the money thing and wasting it out of my head then I will be fine.

I am going to do this and hubby was having a huge talk with me on Monday and saying to me that I have to start believing that I will lose the weight because I use negative talk sometimes and I noticed that I was using negative talk with Helena came up that week and when people were giving me compliments at WW I wasn't owning it and she said to me something like "take the compliment" but I was like shrugging it off saying I have yoyoed so much lately and haven't lost much... so I am going to take the advice.

I must admit the main thing keeping me going is all of you guys and your comments and your support and emails because without it I wouldn't have kept it going! I sit here wondering if that is a form of obsession or is it motivation for me. I look in my in box like a million times a day wondering if anyone has left a comment and when I do get one OMG it is like a fix ya know.... and I don't want it to stop. It keeps me going and the more I get the more I want to update and the cycle keeps going.... and if it is helping me lose this weight then wohoooo.

I have made so many wonderful friends online and I wouldn't want to give that up for nothing.

Anyway....

Went to the movies last night to see scoop with Hugh Jackman, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson and it was ok but OMG the acting was terrible from Woody and Scarlett it was like a B movie it was disgusting!!!! The only bonus about the movie was that we were sitting in the new picture theatre in Hamilton and the seats were devine and the screen was absolutly HUGE...

I went with my friend Denise that I used to work with at the University and then we had dinner afterwards and had a huge chat it was great catching up with her and we are going to do it again sometime.

Well I got home after the movies and read my email and had an email from a friends other half. They have been together for 11 years and have 2 kids 6 and 8 year olds... The lady is 48 and her other half is 36 (yep a big gap) we have been friends with the other half for like 18 years for me and way more for my hubby and he was our best man at our wedding.

She was sending an email to say goodbye and that G had left her on Tuesday with no word why or what she had done wrong just that he hasn't been happy for a while (arse) left her with 2 kids a mortgage up to the hilt and a holiday home they just brought in January and another huge investment too. He stopped his bank account and wages and refuses to help pay the mortgage or anything. OMG now I know we have known G for a long time but to do this to his kids is atrocious as far as I am concerned. She is beside herself and doesn't know why he left as they didn't have an arguement or anything and a week beforehand were planning holidays and other things.

Why do men do this? My husband doesn't even understand and doesn't know why and said he doesn't agree with what he did.

I phoned her and said NO this is NOT a goodbye and I refuse to let her think she is losing friends over this because I am not going to be one of them. Yes we met because of G but I like talking to her and it isn't going to stop because he is having a midlife crisis of some sort.

It was her birthday that week too and mothers day and her six year old son said to her on mothers day "mummy I am sorry I didn't get you anything but I can't get out and buy anything I am only 6" and she burst in to tears. He even promised the daughter (8 years old) that he would help her organise something for her to do for her mothers birthday and he never turned up and she was beside herself that she couldn't do anything for her mum... so her mum didn't have anything... no other half, no presents, no birthday.

OMG I am not liking G at the moment as I always thought he was the most responsible person and I didn't think he would treat his family like this at all... Why do they do it? I can understand he doesn't want to be with her anymore and that is fine because you shouldn't be with someone if you don't want to but to hurt the kids like that and not give a reason why you are leaving is really bad.

She said she hasn't slept in days and has lost 8 kilos and cries all the time... she said she even got down on her knees to beg him to come back and work on things and he was cold and said Fuck off... she doesn't know why he is being like this and she said it would be a little more bearable if she knew why but he isn't telling why.

OMG I couldn't sleep last night and hubby and I just talked and talked about what if it was us and it honestly felt like it was us and I feel soooooo sorry for her and words can't explain. I had a terrible night sleep.

I think I will phone her today to see how she is and I will tell her that I am here to babysit ANYTIME she needs a break.

Anyway on that note

I am going back to doing some work he he he

Love Chubbymum

Off WW

Thanks for the comments yesterday... I needed them that is for sure.

I was stewing about it all day and I shouldn't be but I just couldn't believe that an adult couldn't come to a another adult about silly children..GEESHHHH and one that lives 2 houses down. PHEW

I went back to the teacher in the afternoon and said "I am sorry for being so abrupt I was just upset she couldn't be a grown up and come and tell me" she said "I totally understand and I agree with you totally". So at least the teacher isn't thinking that Quinn is a trouble maker..

So today.....

OK so as from last week I am not going to Weight Watchers anymore.

I weighed at home instead of Weight Watchers because I am tired of paying money and yoyoing and I love my leaders but there is too many people at our meetings now that I feel I can't talk to them about things anymore (which was helping me so much) so hubby and I have been strict and doing it at home. I know that this week isn't going to be wonderful because my weigh in's take a week to notice and Mothers day food was TERRIBLE and so that is going to catch up to me this Wednesday.

I am weighing in on Wednesday mornings and instead of going to Weight Watchers on a Tuesday night hubby and I are going for a walk and in the middle of our walks we are training for something that I have wanted to do for a while buy been chicken.

I want to be able to run around a park (close to home) that the boys play soccer on so we are going to do that every Tuesday night and I am going to start off slow and jog as far as I can then walk, then jog and then walk until I can do the whole run myself.

On Sunday we went for a bike ride with my boys and a friend of Corbin's and decided to stop at a park and play soccer and I was running and kicking the ball and trying to keep it off the boys and it felt good... and ok everything was wobbling everywhere but I felt great that I could run with the ball and do little soccer kicks to keep it off the boys and I was laughing so hard that I want to be able to do more of that.

So that was my inspiration to set this goal of jogging the whole park. I am not too sure how big the park is but next time I am down there with my bike I am going to go around it and work out how big it is.

I have thought about leaving Weight Watchers for a while because I am paying money and not budging and I know that is me that is stop me from losing and not Weight Watchers but I think after 2 years I am honestly bored with Weight Watchers and only stay because I LOVE the leaders but it isn't enough anymore.

I have also found something that has made me want to lose this weight... I am a weird person WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD but I don't do well with competition against someone if they know it... and I don't lose for material things either as I honestly don't need anything... but I do thrive on (not sure what you call in) but my motivation is to get lighter than Debbie...

She has done really well and started at 130 kilos and is now 113 kilos and it is frustrating me because when she started at 130 kilos I was 125 and now I am only 121 ya know... so I am not going to let this happen (I am not telling her either as I don't want a competition sort of thing) I know I know that doesn't sound right but it makes me feel like I am going for gold but the person doesn't know to upset the situation to piss me off ya know.

So she isn't going to be lighter than me anymore!!! SHE ISN'T

The next person to get is my hubby... as he is 105 at the moment and that isn't going to be for long because I want to be lighter than him and when people meet him and see his wife I don't want them to think OMG she is bigger than him anymore and why is he with her... NOT ANYMORE

So I have been for the last week wanting to tell everyone but I wan't convinced myself until today that I was doing the right thing leaving Weight Watchers... and to be honest I can imagine the WW leaders are going to phone to find out why I am not there and try and get me back but I need more support for the money that I am investing... because I can take $36 a fortnight and get myself some clothes ya know.

I just have to keep focussed and get this weight off and not go back to gaining!!!

So my scales are 800 grams heavier than Weight Watchers so I am going to adjust mine to make it the same as Weight Watcher so I can keep up with the same as them if I decide to go back then I am going to know how much I weigh.

So tomorrow morning is weigh in time... and be warned it will be a gain because Mothers day is catching up on me but next week is going to be good!!! I just know it.

I am back to tracking and I have a personal blog that only me and hubby are writing in about how I am feeling about my food and what I am eating and he is commenting about how we can change things to make things better or smaller etc and it seems to be working that is for sure.

I have a smaller plate now too and the portions have come down and I am trying to have better breakfasts... I have to concentrate on this and get myself sorted....

So tomorrow morning here we come!!!! Wonder what those lovely scales will say hmmmmm.