Gone Quiet...

As you can all tell I have gone quiet... or could you? I had 85 hits on my blog yesterday alone.

My birthday weekend went really well and my birthday was great on Sunday. I like the simple things and wanted to just sleep in with my breakfast of Bagel, Poached eggs and salmon and it was fantastic. Hubby gave me the breakfast in bed and I read magazines and chilled until I got ready for the kids to come home at about 11.30.

My mother in law gave me $100 to a really nice restaurant here in Hamilton and when she left we all went for a really great walk and I was smiling and beaming the whole time as I felt so great and loved. We stopped in at the video shop because the weather looked like it was going to pack in in the avo. Got in and chose our DVD's and I went up to the counter to pay and the young guy said "Happy Birthday" OMG my eyes went wide and was a little shocked and said thank you. He said you can have the Overnight DVD for no charge Wohooo me!!

I chose Mr Bean on Holiday (or something like that) and it was hilarious and we all laughed and chilled out and a friend Delwyn (who went to dinner with us on Saturday night) came over as my mum was doing an arrangement for her Grandmother who is turning 90.

Hubby made a lovely lunch and also got a Lamb Roast for dinner with roast potatoes etc and had my mother in law over for dinner. I picked a little too much on the roast when it came out of the oven he he I love when the first cut is made and it is warm and hmmmmm sooo nice...

Oh forgot to mention hubby gave me a card (already gave me money to buy myself something and brought myself some clothes on Friday) anyway and in the card he had written "I love you more with every year" and I burst out crying dripping on my breakfast in bed... said to him "you aren't supposed to make me cry on my birthday" and you know what I don't care about all the presents in the world that he could have given me apart from him writing those words. I could have had those words and they would make my life!! I think that is why I was smiling all the way around our walk.

So ok that was Sunday over and done with..

I had tracked all week and allowed for the cake and dinner etc and felt confident if I did gain it would be only around 500 grams... well on Monday I had a melt down. I weighed myself (wasn't supposed to till today as that is my new weigh in day) but felt ok I will weigh in and I had gained 3.4 kilos (NO FRIGGIN WAY) I know I hadn't been good on the Sat and Sun but I pointed it all and made sure I wasn't that overboard. So I was in such a funk on Monday and poor Janene she was soooo good and such a great listener as she tried to get me down from the grumpyness but I was stubborn.

I said to myself at my desk at work that I was going to work it off so I went for a walk at morning tea and at lunch time and I parked a couple of streets away from the school so I had to walk.

I emailed Leenie (this woman is amazing) and said to her

"I promised myself when I first started losing weight that I would lose it but I wouldn't get obsessive about it to the fact that I am hating life and I want to binge... I am not going to do that.

I want to change my lifestyle so that I lose the weight but so that I am happy in the process and to be honest I am not happy at the moment. I feel like I am letting you down and I feel unhappy and picky at meal times and scared to have anything other than boring food."

amongst other things and said that I am not doing the Challenge...

Leenie was wonderful and wrote a lovely reply and so we are happy.

It isn't the challenge as such it is the amount that was doing my head in because ever since I started my healthy lifestyle I have only averaged 500grams a week and to be honest losing 6 kilos in 7 weeks was too much and hubby was getting worried about me as I was weighing every day and if I didn't lose I would get all upset and emotionally it was not right for me.

Now I am still aiming for that 115.6 but it will be 500 grams a week not almost a kilo a week. I have pulled out of the challenge with Leenie but I am going to get to 115.6 by 28 November which is 500 grams a week and I will be there...

My weight this morning was 120.1 so I gained 500 grams this week and ok that is fine because it was my birthday week and I didn't do as much exercise because of doing my back in last week. No excuses really for anything but I don't feel quilty for gaining on my birthday week even though I tried not to gain and I tracked (Janene is witness to that). I find when I have alcohol it really stuffs up all my work... but damn it I enjoyed it.

So anyway on Monday I was 123 so I have come down to 120.1 (so it must be water retention) and feeling better for it. Hubby seems to think that I was retaining water OMG that is a lot of friggin water he he he.

I have been avoiding writing in here because of feeling ashamed that I pulled out when someone as wonderful as Leenie was trying to encourage me (especially when she is going through some HUGE lifechanging stuff of her own).

I am more afraid of telling you guys in my blog than I am of telling someone I know... and that is because I don't want to come across as a failure... it is the weirdest thing I have ever thought about in my whole life.. but you guys keep me accountable and that maybe the reason why?

I have felt so much better in myself in the last two days since realising that I can lose this weight but I have to do it at my speed because I know from previous experiences that I cannot keep up that huge weight loss per week. If I start losing big amounts I think I can keep that consistancy up and I CANNOT so I go in a big deep hole when I don't lose the weight and I cannot afford to do that. I have lost 40 kilos and I am not going to gain it back for anything in this world...

So there you have it... my confession.

Small and consistant is my motto.

OK JANENE I have updated now he he he.

Chubbymum

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