Back on Blogger

Ok so I have been updating on blogger and diaryland for ever that is for sure and now I think I have had enough of it and I want to be able to password again as I want to be free to write everything I am feeling and for it to be anonymous for people that I don't want to read anymore...

So the bitch session is going to start!!!

I moved from blogger to diaryland because of the fact that I couldn't say what I wanted about my days.... without it feeling like I had to sensor things!! I know after my week in Wellington that at least two of you know how hard it is to sensor what you want to say when you know someone in your day to day life is reading...

I HAVE to SAY that I HATE IT..... HATE IT.... HATE IT.... because I started this journal really well as I could bitch about my life and people that were pissing me off and I was losing the weight then because I could vent!

I went to diaryland but then found that I couldn't put my blog down because of someone that in my life that reads the blogs reading the comments I put on others blogs so she found me... ohhh I sound like a real bitch and I feel like one but I am not meaning to be one.

The person I am talking about is Kris... Look don't get me wrong but I have HAD ENOUGH of being on this blog and not being myself as this has to be for me to get out my frustrations.

After the last time I left blogger and moved to diaryland Kris emailed me a month later to ask me if she had upset me and we had a huge email talk and basically she apologised for all... the reason being that she shoved me aside for a new friend that she wanted.

I didn't care that she wanted to have new friends because I think that is great but I did mind that she totally stopped going to the gym and totally pushed me aside and when she went to WW meetings she would sit with this other friend and leave me sitting at the back (when I was sitting first) because she had new friend and then when the going got tough and this new friend was dwindling she expected me to just come back and solve all her problems again... and by then I was pissed feeling like a piece of rubbish that she throws away and then decide's oh I am useful again let's pick me out of the rubbish and use me again.....

So I told her this!! and that I am not happy if she does it again because I hated it!!! I am not a piece of rubbish I am a person wanting loyalty and friendship and someone that I can be friends with...

Well as you have probably guessed it has happened again... OMG I feel like I am back at school again... I am 36 years old and I feel like a school kid being upset by a friend... well I am upset over a friend... and what happened was...

I asked her 2 months ago to do the Round the Bridges 12km walk with me and she said "No" as she couldn't do it and I convinced her to do it with me and that we would train and get her up ready for it... and we did do some walks to get ready and she was getting happier about doing the walk.

Yesterday at 9.30pm (GRRR late I might add) she phoned to say that the PTA was going to do it as a team, and that she was going to go with them and what did I think!!

"OMG OMG OMG" she was doing it again... casting me aside like a piece of rubbish and I had been told by a friend that knows us not to get back into the friendship with her as she won't change... but I decided I would let her have the benefit of doubt as she had said she was sorry and wouldn't ever do it again... but she did!!!

What is it with me and people like this... why am I attracted to friends like BLONDE's (if you all have read that saga)????

Kris said "is someone else going with you walking?" I said "No" and she said that she wanted to go with the PTA and waited for me to reply I WAS STUNNED that I said "Do what you think is best" when I really wanted to say GO FUCK YOURSELF. She said "oh you can come with us and join the PTA walking group... I just said "look it is late!" and then the conversation stopped... I asked her to come with me over a month ago and I don't know these ladies at all and whether they are faster than me... they are only doing the 6.3 km's and I want to do the 12 km's and quite frankly I don't think I am being a bitch when I say that the pathways around the river aren't that big to be more than 2 or 3 people walking together anyway. Am I a bitch? Do I deserve this sort of friendship? I think after going to Wellington and meeting the wonderful ladies I have realised that there can be friendships out there that support each other and not be one sided.... I know this!!

Then OMG if at 9.50 the phone didn't ring again and hubby picked it up and said something like "it is rather late isn't it" and then gave it to me... she said... "come on you can come and go on the walk with us on the PTA because there is a BBQ afterwards that I want to go to" (and I think she only asked because she had thought about it and was feeling quilty.

Seething is not the word that I want to say now THAT IS FOR SURE... she then preceeded to ask me how my day went and I just said fine and went quiet as it was 9.45 at night and I couldn't believe the conversation I was hearing.

It was turned around to have it that she was asking me as a favour and why wouldn't I just do it.. I don't want to sound harsh but Oh MY FUCKING God I asked her to go with me when she didn't want to go and I walked with her to train four times... and she wanted to go with people in the PTA for a fucken BBQ.

Hubby said "the world revolves around Kris" it got me soo mad... I asked hubby if I was being a bitch and he said no... because if I had said to someone I was doing something with them then to go and walk with another group is rude and wrong and that she is not a true friend because if she was she wouldn't have done that...

Went to my meeting with Crusher this morning and while doing the fitness test on the bike I mentioned it to her and basically I broke down and the heart rate on the machine went way up and I felt like a silly child crying on the bike... but Crusher basically said that Kris isn't a true friend to me and that she hears things from Kris when I am there and she squashes me and I don't see it... and maybe I don't... she said that since I have stopped going to the same LEAN as Kris I have been better and I am improving and that it is better that we aren't friends or doing the weight loss together as I don't do as well when she is around.

I told hubby that tonight and he said that I lost the 20 kilo's really fast and well and then when Kris came on the scene I slowed and lost way less then I had previously.... not sure if I see it that way but maybe it is.

Debbie is such a great influence (and Crusher mentioned that to me) on me now that she is in our LEAN class because I push myself and we are around the same weight and she is doing sooo sooo well with the weight loss but I am not threatened by it because she is geniune when I lose weight and when I lost the 30 kilos she gave me such a huge hug and as a friend was proud of me... and I think it is making me work on my bad eating habits and it is the reason I am losing weight now... she is so positive and there is no bullshit and so I have decided that as from this week I am going to spend more time with people that make me feel good and that I don't have to constantly listen to problem after problem and try and help them sort out their life.

Which I have to say I am constantly doing with Kris. I am constantly listening to her moaning about how life is sooo bad with her when life is cushy with her. Kris has a great husband that works full time and also works extra jobs when at home to get more money than hubby and I get. He supports her in anything she wants to do and if she wants something she gets it. She goes to the gym every day and she can do what she likes and all she has to do is make dinner for him when he gets home and that doesn't happen much. She has a 3 year old at home but 3 days a week he is at kindy and then the other two days she has him in the creche gym for an hour each day... OMG sometimes I wish we had the money for me to be home full time but then again I like the company of my work mates

Kris phoned today 4 times today and then finally said "I have been meaning to ask you... have I upset you?" I don't think she expected me to say anything but I said "Yes you have and I am not happy with the whole thing" she said "I don't want to upset you" I said to her that she needs to go with the PTA group if she needs to go to this BBQ and she has to make her own decision but I was not happy about the situation and then she said "I want to go with you" OMG the only reason she wanted to go with me was because she knew I was upset now. I said to her that she needs to go with the PTA... but I should have said "I don't want to go with you now because you ONCE again chose a better option than sticking to a commitment with a friend"

I am going to start concentrating on friendships that inspire me and lift me up and not stay around people that bring me down anymore.

Anyway back to the normal CM.... I got a sneak preview of the photo for the Waikato Times today as Crusher was sooo excited to show me... it was of me and 4 others playing the made up netball game with the hooler hoops on the ground and I am looking at the girl in front of me (on my team) saying give it to me I have my foot in the hooler hoop and can get the point but she didn't think I was on her team.. OMG my face was sooo funny in this photo but the photo didn't make me look big OMG I loved this photo and Crusher said that she would email me the photo and I will put it up on her for everyone to see.

Love ya all
I hope that I haven't bored you all... and that you will all keep reading.

Love CM