Stickability

Sticking to it is the hard thing.

I find that I have all this energy when I start to think about losing weight that I get excited and read about weight loss and I feel energised and want to keep it going and then when life takes over then I lose the plot.

I have everything I want or need in this world.  I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful boys (men) and a daughter in law to be and also my son has a lovely partner.  We have great jobs that don't pay terribly but we always want more.  We have an amazing home (too big for us now that mum has gone in to care and oldest son brought a house with his fiancée).  Two amazing little pooches (Boston and Milo) great dogs.

But I still feel like something is missing and I feel like it is me not enjoying my life to the fullest.  I am 54 with osteoarthritis in both my knees and I am 155.6 kgs and since I have been working from home as a Manager I have gotten lazy. I sit all day on the computer on Teams with my staff and then after work I watch tv or do art and probably get about 800 to 1500 steps in for the whole day.  It is because of the fear of pain.

I can't go on a diet I have to change my lifestyle and change my portions.  I have to find workouts to do that won't affect my knees.  

Realistically I know that I won't ever be skinny it won't happen but I can get down to 119kgs and feel better about myself.

Brother in law is still here for another day.  It is great to see him and in so many ways he acts like my hubby.  When I met hubby 35 years ago no way did I think they looked like each other or acted like each other but as they have gotten older man there are similarities.  They are both good men and treat people with respect and are loved in return.  

I really don't know how they do that with having their mum as a mother she seems to have some sort of "Sheldon" from Big bang theory attitude towards things.  She doesn't like me and says things to me when no one around to make me feel so small and knows that others won't see or hear her or maybe they just don't get it like I do.  I was sitting in the lounge one night when she came for dinner and was just about to get up (hubby does the cooking as he likes it but I do other things around the house instead and it works for us and has for 35 years) anyway she says "do you want us to serve you in here" I wanted to slap her for that comment it wasn't necessary and I have always treated her with respect.  My youngest son sees her for what she is and told me one day... thought I was nuts and it was only me that thought she was being sarcastic but he now sees it.  I am the one that makes sure her son phones her and I am the one that invites her every fucken fortnight on a Sunday for dinner and I am the one that makes sure she has some of the leftovers to take back with her.  I am the one that says hey lets take you to your others sons in February (he lives like 8 hours drive away) not her fucken son.   I have to get this off my chest.

When I lost all my weight (if you read back on here) I was writing all this down and getting it out of my head instead of keeping it in and I lost the weight and because I was focussing and not just thinking oh it will be ok..... I lost the weight so I am going to try this again and keep it up and write about it.

Been trying to find bloggers about weight loss and people don't blog anymore..... it is sad as it was a great support when I was losing weight.  Why?  Why don't people blog anymore is it because there are some nasty commenters out there or because people don't care anymore?

hmmm

Anyway see ya until next time

CM

Out of the bubble

Lowest Weight: 118.9 kgs
Highest Weight: 169.9kgs
Current Weight: 155.6 kgs
Total loss: 14.3kgs (342.3lbs)

In 2005 11 January I started my weight loss journey and I did well.  I had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband.  Now they are grown up boys and still with my wonderful husband but I have gained all the weight back.

People said this would happen and that it is a life time journey and I thought yeah I wouldn't gain it back again how silly would I be.

Well yes I was silly.  I got down to 118kgs and now I am a whopping 155.6 kgs today but 2 years ago I got to 169 kgs and I did get down 16.4 kgs (152.6) with the help of a hospital weight loss program which was teaching me how to think about what is going in my mouth and about soooo many other things but then it became a competition with others in my group (me to myself) and they were losing way more and in the time I lost 13kgs one guy lost 50kgs (but he took one year off work so he could work on himself and he did well) but it fucked with my brain and I lost the plot and just didn't get any further.

Now that I am reflecting on this I think it is because I was doing this by myself.  My husband was supportive but I was on a diet and I had to eat well and I had to get the exercise done.  I need someone to do this with me.  I have always been that sort of person.  

When I first started this blog the people kept me motivated and I hope that I kept them motivated too and found some wonderful people on line.  

In 2008 I just screwed up lots in my life as I spiralled in to a massive depression about my mum and then couldn't focus on anything but her and her diagnosis of diabetes (which isn't life threatening) but I found my brain was telling me otherwise.  I was doing stupid things and then finally hubby took me to the doctor and found I had major anxiety and depression so put me on these wonderful drugs and it took a while but finally feeling like me but then I had gained the weight back.  

Mum got dementia also so for at least 10 years we battled with that with her living with us and it got to the stage that hubby and I were living 80 year olds life as we were taking care of someone that thought she was still normal and we were being hard on her and she ran away quite a lot and usually it was like only when we went to the bathroom and then she was gone and we had to find her.  There goes the anxiety and it skyrocketed again to make me feel insecure and worried constantly that she was going to take off and we would either never find her or find her floating down the river as she slipped or something like that.

Mum got pneumonia and we put her in hospital and while there got covid (we had kept that damn bug away for 2 years) and she gets it in hospital, she had mild problem with her heart, and the doctors said that she needs to go in to a dementia home as she needed more care.  The Doctors and counsellors were so wonderful as it was never going to happen if they didn't help us because mum never did a power of attorney we couldn't put her anywhere with her saying yes and she didn't want to.  I can understand that but we just couldn't help anymore as she was barely able to keep herself and I have osteoarthritis in my knees that I am taking codeine just for the pain so lifting and helping her was getting so hard. 

It was the worst thing but the best thing that mum was put in a dementia home where they could help.  We visited but she just kept crying and saying she wanted to go home and then some days didn't even know who I was.  I just couldn't stop crying for weeks as I felt like the worst daughter in the world. But when you are the only child and no other family then a husband we just didn't have the support and I am 50 years old and have not lived much of a life apart from Dad with cancer and mum with Dementia that I had to think of myself and my husband.

Reflecting on the past 16 years and my life I need to now take the reigns and get my life back on track with my husband and live it REALLY LIVE IT.  With not being able to walk far with these knees it is hard but I have to find a way.  I relied on walking and the gym and running to get me through the first 42 kgs loss but I can't rely on that anymore I have to work out a different way and also with going through menopause it makes it even harder so I need to move this CHUBBYMUM to a better health.

I want to make friends along the way and lets get this weight off.  I have even thought about weight loss surgery but when it says a chance of death... well I can't do that my anxiety takes over and says NO.

If you have read through this and still want to read more each day or week then I welcome your friendship or thoughts (but good ones please or at least helpful not hurtful) 

 

Feeling better today

What great choices did I make today?
Went for a walk at lunch time instead of just sitting at my desk and eating my lunch and then getting back to work.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Not sure really.  Just work and not really wanting to be there lately.  Love the work I do but feeling angry about the last month at work

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish that I had gone for a walk at night to get my steps up better than they were.  Hard getting steps when I sit as a job all day

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
5500 steps today NOT ENOUGH

What was my artistic outlet today?
OMG I didn't get an artistic outlet today as it was all about catching up at work as I had been away Friday to Monday and no one does my work when I am away

How did my tracking go today? 
Kept within my WW points today

Breakfast
2 Wholemeal bread
Scrambled Egg
Shaved ham

Lunch
Leftover Lasagne (with veges) that J made last night

Dinner
Steak
Mashed Potato
Peas

Snack
Coffee

What have I planned for this week or looked in to in regards to going away?
J and I have decided that we are planning for a trip next June but there are a couple of choices and we can't make up our minds

Rarotonga, Canada, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Barcelona OMG too many choices and what one to do first.  We want to travel now our boys are getting older.

My mind has changed a little and I am getting back in to tracking and back in to trying hard not to eat badly.  Starting off slowly and I know some things aren't right but I am slowly looking at the pointing and then we are going to refine things.  I am tracking once again on the Weight Watcher app and feeling like I can have anything I want as long as I track 

Thanks Jaxx and Tracy for commenting.  I needed that and I am glad you have taken the time to read and comment. 

I'm finding it hard to find weight loss blogs to read at the moment.  People seem to be doing it on Facebook and I hate Facebook for this outlet.

Getting there

What great choices did I make today?
I went for a walk tonight when I was so tired from lack of full sleep because of taking Q up to Auckland airport for 3 am check in.  It was a great one because we didn't take our dog this time.  It takes longer with him and he sniffs everything I MEAN EVERYTHING along the way.  He did have a walk with C today so it wasn't like he hadn't been out.  I find having a dog has been harder for me for exercise.  We stop so much my calves get sore and I hate the walk.  I love our dog though.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Having a day at work where I don't have any training or auditing woohoooooo.  Was supposed to have annual leave but J and I are saving to go to Rarotonga next June to celebrate 30 years together.  I need to lose this weight for that and be able to feel fantastic on the beach (well I know I won't be skinny but I can feel better)

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish I had had more time with Q before he boarded the plan and not let the team go so quickly.  They waited for an hour inside OMG!!! 

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
7011 so far today and it is only 7.23pm.  Walk tonight was bloody freezing but it was fantastic for J and I to get out and have some time talking

What was my artistic outlet today?
Nothing today as it was busy with taking my youngest to the airport and also recovering from the car trip and lack of sleep.

Miserable B&*&)ch

What great choices did I make today?
Wanted to be positive but I wasn't.  I sucked at being positive today because my baby (16 year old) was going to California tomorrow and I wasn't dealing with it properly.  I felt like a little 2 year old and I acted like one too.  I miss him so much when he is gone for a weekend let alone 2 weeks.  We get on so well and I sucked at being the grown up today

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
NOTHING!!!!! he is going tomorrow.  Wow I started this journey off well didn't I?  But then again at least I am writing in here.

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
Burnt his passport so he couldn't go (you know I didn't mean what I just wrote but I thought it lol)

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
Hardly any as I was wallowing in self pity.

What was my artistic outlet today?
Being an out right cry baby

How did my tracking go today? 
Ok that I did

Breakfast
1 Bread
Scrambled Eggs

Lunch
1 Bread roll
Left over lamb
V energy drink (I know not good choice)

Dinner
Chicken casserole with carrots (Friend in Auckland made it)
Bread Roll

NO SLEEP WHAT SO EVER AS WE HAD TO BE AT THE AIRPORT BY 3AM

Could have done so much better in so many ways and I see it now but not at the time.

Tomorrow will show you photos and you will see that I didn't look happy either.  Miserable B*&(&ch I was.

What great choices do I make.

I can't seem to keep my mind on blogging or on weight loss so hubby and I have been going for walks every night and today we decided on a couple of things I need to blog about every day

What great choices did I make today?
Great choice in getting our walk over and done with today.
My Samsung health said:

• 9.50am this morning for 25 minutes for 3km's.
• 1 minute maximum
• 29 minutes Vigorous
• 5 minutes Moderate
• Average heart rate 130 bpm
• Maximum Heart rate 157 bpm
• 13 Degrees today.  Rather warm for a winters day

Pretty pleased with that.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Keeping my steps up and spending time with my family

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish that I hadn't had the buttered tart that hubby made but then I did enjoy it immensely even though it wasn't good for me.

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
6174 steps today.
Working every day I can't manage to get enough steps in as I have a sitting job so I am aiming for 6000 steps a day.  Not that today was a working day but I did do a lot of things around the house today with labeling for sons travel to California and make stickers for their helmets and sticks for the team.  They are representing NZ in California for 2 weeks in Inline Hockey.

What was my artistic outlet today?
I am not sure if was artistic but made stickers on my cricut to go on son's stick and helmet

How did my tracking go today? 
Tracking went over points.  I have 37 a day but had 47 arghhh but I tracked and that is the main point isn't it.  I need to be aware of what I am eating and change my habits.  Tracking and exercise are my things I can control.

Breakfast

• Coffee
• Scrambled Eggs
• 1 White sandwich bread slice
• Margarine

Lunch

• Pulled Beef
• 2 rolls
• Margarine

Dinner

• Lamb Roast
• Potatoes
• Peas
• Carrots

Snack

• Buttered Tart
• Tea

I could have only had one roll at lunch and I could have chosen not to have the buttered tarts.  I need to look at my food differently and choose better choices

What have I planned for this week or looked in to in regards to going away?
Plan for this week is that my youngest (16 year old) is leaving for California on Monday to represent New Zealand in the Inline Hockey world games and he is excited but I am a little nervous as I hubby and I are not going with him.  I trust one of the lady parents going and her son is staying in the same room as my son so I am happy with that.  The weekend will be spent getting him ready.

We will have two weeks with no inline hockey what so ever OMG what ever shall we do.

I know what I am going to do is blog and track and go for walks.  I need to get back in to a routine so when he comes home I don't go back to my life being all about what he wants.

Saturday and Sunday

1 week tomorrow (Monday) until Quinn goes to California to represent New Zealand in the World Inline Hockey.  I am a bit scared but proud.  Scared because we are not going but proud because he has worked so hard for this.

Went for a walk each day this weekend. 

Jeremy and I are trying to walk every day and we have some beautiful walks in our town.

I just need to keep focus and track and do some form of exercise a day.  I am finding it hard to keep on track.  But I need to so do this. 

Even when we were out of town this week our country gave us some beautiful photos.  I think sometimes we forget to just be and enjoy the moments we have.  

I think my problem is... is that I don't know if I will lose the weight and keep it off.  I have lost the same amount of weight over and over again and I can't seem to enjoy the weight loss when it happens and so I need to enjoy the process and work out a way to keep this up for the rest of my life and that is what I am struggling with.  How to do this?

I know it isn't working more and more like I have over the last 10 years.  It is more time with my family and on me.  Work pays me for 40 hours but I do way more and they don't care about me and in the long run they get more out of me and I get nothing.  Need to take back my life.

Struggling to be honest

Struggling with work life balance.  Thought that my co-ordinator was pretty decent until last week.  It is interesting when you find out who you can trust in situations.

I have been involved in two major projects for my company in the last year and both really successful and one of them making millions for the company and thought that the support would have been better but apparently I see it differently.  So I suppose it has made me realise that I can trust no one and I need to do what is right for me and I won't be doing anymore than is required for work from now on.  Have to start looking after me and not after work who aren't looking after me.

Traveled so much for work this past two weeks that I haven't had time to blog.  I have been in Auckland Christchurch, Palmerston North, Whanganui, and New Plymouth OMG I have been everywhere man.  But with that comes travelling and not so wonderful food choices.  I did walk around Hagley park at 5.45am in the morning with my work mate so that wasn't so bad.  With her out there with me I don't eat as bad as I could if I was by myself.

Only 4 weeks until Quinn goes to California to represent New Zealand I have still have more fundraising to do.  We are doing a step challenge fundraise up the Hakarimata's, a movie night (which is costing me at the moment as I can't seem to get anyone to come and we have paid for the seats) so if you want to come to see Deadpool on Sunday 27th in Hamilton please please buy a ticket off me.  They are $20 but that is about only $3 more and it will go towards Quinn's fundraising.  I am having such a hard time selling them.  If not we have 78 tickets and we paid for empty seats.

I have also made so many signs for people and feel like a little factory at the moment.  Here are a couple to show you.  I have done more but didn't take the photo

Stayed the same with the weight.  Work stress and trying to find money for Quinn to go away in 4 weeks time with has put a toll on me.

Just got back from a walk.  Decided I am still going to keep up my walking at least

So are you all posting as well?? Tracey? Wanna B? Lee-Anne?

Chubbymum

Out with my boys

I want to come on here and say it all. I am a little scared to now.  I used to be able to say what I think but things don't feel the same since I gave up blogging years ago.  I hope it will get better but been burnt.

Last night was amazing.  J had his buddies over for Poker so the boys and I went out for dinner (probably not a good choice of dinner but I spent time with my boys) and then we went to the pool hall and played a couple of games of pool.  It was good to relax with them and just be us and not worry about other people.  We laughed and I won 2 games out of 4.  I don't think Corbin thought I could play and the first couple of times I was just sinking one after the other and he was like getting a little mad lol but as I said to him when I first start off I am good then I get worse lol.

Had a really tough week this week.  Someone told J and I something and I am struggling to come to terms with it.  I can't say right now but at a later date I might but it turned my world upside down and inside I have been struggling to understand. 

I lost 500 grams this week.  I am all good with that.

J and I will be together for 30 years June 2019 and we were thinking of going to Rarotonga so I have a year and 1 month to get myself in order.  If I lose 500 grams a week then I can make it to 115 kgs by then.  If I lose more then that will be even better.  But realistically 500 grams is enough.  I have decided that when I go hard out I FUCK up so I need to be realistic.

I need to lose this weight and keep it off and not gain it back.

I need to read blogs and support people and have people support me.  So please comment so I can come and comment on your blog. 

Let's support each other.

Booked up

Work has been full on in the last couple of days and it is going to get even bigger.  I am part of a project team with myself and another person and it has taken off that the owner wants us to take it around the country OMG......

Stress levels will go up I fear :-)

Can't wait for the weekend to be honest.

Went for a long walk last night and it was great.  J and I got to talk and Charlie got walked and it was a lovely night out.

I must say though I am not sleeping right at night at the moment.  My brain is full of so many things that I can't drop off.

We even tried a podcast of a man talking and it is supposed to get us to sleep NOOOOOOO it doesn't it just weirds me out because he makes sense at the start and then he doesn't make sense and I then start thinking how is he not making sense but still talking.  So weird. lol

*^$%#%@)(*(^%&^%

Had a shit day at work today.......

Decided to deal with the problem by just walking out today at 11 am and not going back for a while. 

Usually I just take it and that is that but NOPE.... I am worth more than that shit!!!! I know this for sure and just got up grabbed my keys and walked out.  Felt empowering.

Got texts galore from work mates because they know how hard I work and why I was pissed off today.

Was angry most of the day. 

I did well for lunch and afternoon tea and didn't go for the naughty food but tonight had chocolate biscuits OMG and didn't realise what I was doing until it was too late but I now realise it.  At least I didn't keep going and going and going.

Sick of feeling like I am the person everyone gets to do things because they know I will do it and do it well and then THEY TAKE KUDOS I mean F(*(*&(*&(*&(*K me

Sorry had to get it out somewhere.

Weekend went too fast

I feel like I am getting back in to the swing of my mind not stuffing me up.

When I was losing the weight years ago it seemed easier but I don't think it was easier I just had a focus and then I somehow lost the focus.

I have to get back in to the habit of tracking, exercise and blogging and things will get better.

My focus today is getting myself down before June next year when we are going away to Raratonga with some friends.  It was supposed to be November but now with Quinn going to California representing NZ with inline hockey we can't really afford it.

One of the mums at the rink said she wants to go to Rarotonga so we thought we might get a whole lot of couples together and do this.  Looking forward to it.  The mum is the same build as me so I know I am not going to be the only chubby one there but I don't want to be chubby anymore.  I want to lose at least 20 kilos before June 2019 so that gives me 57 weeks to loose this.

• Now - 29 April 2018 = 144 kgs
• In 57 weeks - 1 June 2019 = 115.5 kgs if I lose 500 grams a week every week

Wow 115.5 kgs I haven't been in such a long long long time.  

Tracked food all day and walked the dog and had a good sleep.  I find if I am not sleeping properly I don't eat well and I am a miserable person to be around.

Above pictures are of us walking around the river tonight at 5.30.  There was a beautiful sunset and Charlie our dog loved the walk.  I wanted to push it tonight so went faster than normal.  It took us 37 minutes and my watch said that 27 minutes were vigorious woohooooo.  Kept my heart rate up and going to burn this lard off.

Corbin was cooking us dinner and Quinn is at a coaching meeting tonight.  Spend most of the weekend making signs for fundraising for Quinn's trip in 6 weeks time.  So much money we have to come up with.

I have sold 4 so far and I have 10 orders for ones the size of the bottom photo.  

Feel good about my food and exercise achievements today. I am doing the Weight Watchers online program and I am going to try and see how many blue dots I can get.

Had my hair cut today as it was getting too thick but I was loving the length and so told the hair dresser but she cut it too short again.  It takes so long for my hair to grow and I am wanting to grow it again.

I hope you are all doing well.

Chubbymum

Quinn passed his restricted wohoooo

Feeling less anxious today. 

Travelling for work today and had a great day as well.

Went out with 9 of my workmates tonight and had a girly night it was fanbloodytastic.  We went to the movies and watched "I feel pretty" it was funny as and also a little sad but we had a blast watching it.  I think sometimes it is great to get out with some friends and forget about the worlds troubles or anxiety's.

Quinn went for his restricted licence this afternoon and passed OMG the second son now has his licence and wants to get out lol.  I am so proud of him.  He made me take him out at 10.30 last night just to practice parallel parking as he was worried.  I don't know why he was he is a good driver.

I just don't know how blessed I am to have the best husband and great sons and my great mother.  In life some people have no one but I have it all and sometimes don't realise how well off I am.

Night Night
CM

Representing New Zealand in California 2018

Thanks Jaxx & Janine for commenting

Jaxx am I allowed to see your new blog?  Would love to support you

Janine I hope you are doing well.
................................................................................................

I have been away for a week with work for the week and it is always disruptive to my eating and I can't work out how to combat that.  I did try not to over eat and tried to eat healthier than I normally would.

Quinn has also been selected to be in the NZ Inline Hockey team to represent NZ in California in 7 weeks time so stressing about getting quite a lot of money together before that OMG I don't know how we are going to do that.  Yep so that is the eating not going well with stressing about that now.

Quinn playing Inline Hockey (bottom left)

I am so proud of him getting to represent New Zealand.  He is doing so well and grown up so fast. 

I am proud of both my boys...

Charlie is not happy that Corbin is not sharing lol

I tried healthy choice today.  Decided that I need to go back to basics and that I can't just take everything away.... it doesn't work because if it did then I would be skinny wouldn't I.  So trying to point my day whether it is good or bad and get some exercise and then I can start refining it later.

Blogging is missing in my life.  Making connections to keep me on track and me reading blogs to keep them going is what is missing.  So let's do this together.  Come and say hello so I can read your blog and do the same

Let's lose this weight and keep it off and learn how to be happy.

Love Chubbymum

Snackies & Representing NZ

Hey bloggers

This was my dinner last night.  It is hard to do dinner (well a neck chop casserole) without carbs.  It soaks up the juice etc.  It was still good with Cauliflour, Carrots, Broccoli and tomato.  It was really filling

Couldn't sleep this morning as I had so many things going around in my head.  I needed to get to work to get ready for Monday morning as I am travelling for work and wanted to make sure I did all my printing.  I love my job but the travel does do my head in. I have a 5 hour drive on Monday and then come back Thursday.  

I think the problem I have is when I don't prepare so I get the quick and easy.  

Picture below are my snacks for the first couple of days so that I am prepared. 

Carrots, tomatoes, chicken strips, cauliflower, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds.  Hummus is in the fridge.

Great breakfast of one slice of sour dough bread, 2 eggs, 2 chicken strips.  Kept me full for longer

Went in to work to sort things out and put in my car for the workshop and then hubby and I went for a 5.5 km bike ride and it took us 20 minutes.  I was so proud of myself.  I know that others would do this faster but for me it was hard with my bad knees and it being windy (almost rained but it didn't today).

Took Corbin, Quinn, Mum and Jeremy out for lunch today and I wanted the fish n chips so much but decided to go for the seafood chowder which was warming and filling.  I know it was a wonderful choice but better than the rest of the choices of pizza and things slathering in mayonnaise or chips or cooked in oil

Went to KMart and got some prizes for my workshop and brought some clothes and shoes for the boys as they like some things while out shopping. 

Corbin gone out to play snooker with friends and so happy that he isn't the shy introverted guy anymore and it getting out with new friends since he has been studying Electrical Engineering

Quinn has gone out to Inline Hockey practice (there 6 days a bloody week lol)

OMG I am so proud of Quinn he got chosen back in February for the New Zealand Training Squad and had to train to see who was chosen to go to California to represent New Zealand in Inline Hockey as a Inline Fern and last week he got notice that he has been chosen for the travelling team.  

He is stoked but still hasn't made up his mind if he is going.  He is tossing up about the money and that it is for 3 weeks and it is almost $5000 and he feels that he would rather have a car that will last him longer especially since we have only known since February and he hasn't had enough time to save before going in June.  I said to him it is up to him as I am not going to be the one that he blames later on if he doesn't take up this opportunity.  He is 16 years old and it has to be his decision.  I am so proud of him though.  

I have been so good in the last 3 days with tracking on WW online and at the start I was 145.7 kgs and today I am 143.9 OMG.  I think the problem with what I was doing before hand was because I was eating enough but making sure I was eating zero points to fill myself up.

Keto

Work friend has been doing Keto for a week and has lost 3.4 kilos.  I mean that is fantastic woohooo but wow that is a lot in a week.

She has suggested that I do it to.  I am in such a quandary about it all as I have been stagnant for 2 years and stayed the same weight.... yeah that is great I have stayed the same but stayed the same at 144.4 kgs is not good at all.

Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to keep it off.  My lowest was 118 point something and that was still heavy but getting back to 144.4 kgs is stupid!!!! I did all that hard work and I met some great people and did some great things and now I am up almost to my highest weight.

I don't know what to do.  Jeremy said yes you do know what to do.  Well I suppose I do.  Get back on Weight Watchers F&*k everyone else and just do it.

So that is what I am going to do.  Blogging last time worked for me and I met some great people and I can meet some great people again. 

Today's weight is 144.4kgs.... the reason I am putting that on here is because when I keep my weight loss on the side bar and I change it and then years later I go back to my posts and I don't actually know what my weight was.

I have to get back in to the discipline of posting on here to keep me motivated.

I travel a lot in my job now and next week I am travelling to Whanganui which is like 5 hours from home.  I get quite scared travelling alone.... not about people but about what I am going to eat and I tend to go for the easy because I can't be bothered.  The motels don't have the right cooking facilities so I just F&*&k it up.

Since gaining the weight back again I have lost so much confidence.  I get anxiety and feel like I am not going to achieve this and then I give up.

I am going to try to keep my blog going again.  If you are out there reading I would love some support and I will support you in return.  I need some weight loss buddies to get my journey started again.

Ouch... sore....tired....arghhhhh LOL

Sore. Sore. Sore

Did a kickboxing class with my old trainer tonight and I am feeling it already

It was great and I kept a picture in my head to motivate me.  Everytime I thought I was going to give up as it was too hard I saw this picture of someone (not going to say) and thought I am going to get there.  OMG it worked.

Work was great had two training workshop and felt so buggered afterwards talk talk talking in front of a class of 25 adults is draining.

So hopefully I am going to sleep better tonight

Yayyy me

And.... the scales were down this morning OMG I was so happy as I have been tracking (still having treats) but keeping within points.

I feel on top of it now!!!!

On top of it!!

Yayyyyy

Doing better

Doing better and focusing on me and seeing the scales coming down yayyyy

Got my trainer on Wednesday and a little nervous as it has been a while but so looking forward to it.

Work has been full on but some great things coming my way.  So feeling great about that at the moment.

Tracy.  I hope things are going well with your mums operation.  Thinking of you.

Been thinking more about the food that goes in to my mouth in the last couple of days and trying to make better choices but not being boring.  As long as I am keeping within my points I am good.

I am sitting here updating my blog and Charlie is looking at me from the ground GRRRRR so now I am feeling like I have to rush this so I can take him for a walk.  Yukky rainy weather and it is Quinn's turn to take him.  Grrr Quinn.... stop being out with friends.

Friends

Woke up this morning early as C had to be taken to a school gala where he was volunteering and making coffee's from a coffee trailer.  C wants to learn how to make coffee's so it when he needs a part time job while studying at Uni (if he goes) then he is set.

Then had to take mum to the shopping mall so she could do things and then Q had to be taken to meet up with friends as they were going to Raglan with his friends parents.

THEN.... we were going a my best friends place to pack things as tomorrow she moves in to their first home.  So excited for her... her and her hubby deserve this.  Bit jealous as she is having exciting things happen but not jealous of her.  I just want a challenge or something happening with me so I don't feel like my life is boring.  I know it isn't but you know when others are excited about something and you don't have anything at the moment ya get a little jealous.

Got a Facebook message from my old trainer today saying she was thinking about me as she went through some photos of the boot camp and tough guy gal challenge and all the fantastic things we did back a couple of years ago.  She asked if I wanted to come to her kick boxing classes she is having in her garage.  OMG I jumped at it.

So excited... this trainer kept me going and really helped me so much with my self esteem etc.  So J and I are going to go every Wednesday night OMG I am so excited but really really scared as I am sooooo unfit compaired to what I used to be with her.

It feels like it is all happening again and I feel like this time I am going to kick some of my fat butt.

Food... food is my problem.... I need to sort out my food.  I love food so much at the moment.  I have a problem with sweet stuff... I never it had it before... never worried me if I had anything sweet ever... but now grrr.

So.  I know that there are at least 18 people reading my blog at the moment.  Come and chat.... stop being in the background LOL... I don't bite :-)

Expensive but it might be the motivation I need

Highest Weight: 160 kgs
Start Weight 2 January 2016: 145.6 kgs (320.3 lbs)

• Weight Last week: 143.9 kgs (316.6 lbs)
• Weight This week: 145.8 kgs (320.76 lbs)
• Lost this week: Gain... again

Total lost since 2 January 2016 : Gain 200 grams 
Total loss to get to 119.9: 25.9 Kilos to go

Losing weight takes concentration.

I need to sort out my food.  I am going to the gym with J once a week at lunch time and going both days in the weekend with Quinn and J.  Stress at work doesn't help at all either.  I need to make myself a priority.  I know this and I know what I have to do but had no reason to do it.  Not even my health.

Brought myself a Gear2 watch a week ago and it has been making me sort myself out. I am trying to keep my heart rate at the right level for weight loss.  I have tried to do at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week.  Even if it is getting off my fat ass at work and walk for 15 minutes and then walk 15 minutes back.  It is sort of helping with my stress levels at work.

The food is doing my head in.  I have never been a sweet tooth person usually been a cheese, potato, chips sort of person.  But it has changed in the last couple of months and doing my head in as I want chocolate ALL the time.

J dropped me and charlie off on the side of the road so that it would take me 30 minutes to walk charlie home today.  It was nice as it was a different route.  When  you are walking around the block it is always the same and I am bored with it but I didn't feel like going down to the lake or river as I get a bit bored with doing the same route again and again.  

Was a lovely day today. The sun was shining. Charlie was happy and it wasn't stinking hot in the middle of the day.  I love Autumn.

Had a huge heart to heart with J last night as I am so stressed at work and working 50 to 60 hours a week and my health is suffering and gaining weight is so not what I want anymore.

In the next couple of weeks I am going to get as much of my work up to date and then I am going to try and stick to only 40 hours a week only.  I am going to do at least 30 minutes a day of walking or gym and food is going to be better.  I want to be the chubbymum that was happy when at 119 kgs.  I know I need to be smaller than that but losing the BLEEP BLEEP weight again is not exactly making me motivated.  So getting back to the 119 is an aim.

I have a motivation now... not a cheap one but motivation at least.  If I can get down to 119 kgs then as soon as the 119.9 comes up hubby will help me to get something I have wanted in a while but my weight is letting me down (in my head)