Indecisive

Ok... so I am not as grumpy as I was on Friday that is for sure.
This week has been an eye opener for me that is for sure. Deep down in my subconcious I think I will always be fat... I can't comprehend how I can loose this massive amount of weight and this week I was trying to stop myself from going any further. There are people out there that have already lost their 5 kilos and started the same time as me. Yes I am doing the exercise every week and really enjoying it but this week I have been out of control with the food. I can't quite get my head around the fact that I have lost 4 kilos but in my mind it feels like more and when I look at it... it isn't more it is a meazley amount of 4 kilos.. I know at least I have taken it off and not put it on but my mind is like cheating me into thinking that I am a slim 60 kilos instead of my big 149.5 kilos. It is so depressing.
Went out for dinner last night and OHHHH I wish I hadn't. We went to a Mongolian restaurant where you can choose your meat and veges (raw) and they cook them in front of you. I went twice so I had two plates of veges and meat and rice and OMG I paid for it that last as my tummy was out of control and I was so uncomfortable.
So maybe that was a good thing as I know now that before my lifestyle change I could have eaten three plates and the dessert as well and I couldn't even eat the two plates without it being soooo bad in my tummy. But it has made me think that I do this because I feel like I have been deprived through this change but I haven't been deprived... I haven't! I can eat what I like as long as it is moderation... but I want it to come off faster... and I know deep down I KNOW that it can't come off faster but I want it to be I soooo want it do be.
I started reading another diary today and when I look at the ladies before and after pictures I wished that it was me... and it would be a million years before that happened with me... will I keep up with this? Or will I give up once again. I think for now I am going to stick with it.. but why don't I loose the amount that other people loose a week and some of them aren't even doing exercise. I just wonder if it is worth it...
Here I go yo yo-ing with my mind again.
I know you don't get anything without struggling! But years of struggling and thinking about it isn't that just a nightmare? How did all you guys do it? Why did you do it? Email me if you can... I would love to know your thoughts.
See yaChubby Mum