Stickability

Sticking to it is the hard thing.

I find that I have all this energy when I start to think about losing weight that I get excited and read about weight loss and I feel energised and want to keep it going and then when life takes over then I lose the plot.

I have everything I want or need in this world.  I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful boys (men) and a daughter in law to be and also my son has a lovely partner.  We have great jobs that don't pay terribly but we always want more.  We have an amazing home (too big for us now that mum has gone in to care and oldest son brought a house with his fiancée).  Two amazing little pooches (Boston and Milo) great dogs.

But I still feel like something is missing and I feel like it is me not enjoying my life to the fullest.  I am 54 with osteoarthritis in both my knees and I am 155.6 kgs and since I have been working from home as a Manager I have gotten lazy. I sit all day on the computer on Teams with my staff and then after work I watch tv or do art and probably get about 800 to 1500 steps in for the whole day.  It is because of the fear of pain.

I can't go on a diet I have to change my lifestyle and change my portions.  I have to find workouts to do that won't affect my knees.  

Realistically I know that I won't ever be skinny it won't happen but I can get down to 119kgs and feel better about myself.

Brother in law is still here for another day.  It is great to see him and in so many ways he acts like my hubby.  When I met hubby 35 years ago no way did I think they looked like each other or acted like each other but as they have gotten older man there are similarities.  They are both good men and treat people with respect and are loved in return.  

I really don't know how they do that with having their mum as a mother she seems to have some sort of "Sheldon" from Big bang theory attitude towards things.  She doesn't like me and says things to me when no one around to make me feel so small and knows that others won't see or hear her or maybe they just don't get it like I do.  I was sitting in the lounge one night when she came for dinner and was just about to get up (hubby does the cooking as he likes it but I do other things around the house instead and it works for us and has for 35 years) anyway she says "do you want us to serve you in here" I wanted to slap her for that comment it wasn't necessary and I have always treated her with respect.  My youngest son sees her for what she is and told me one day... thought I was nuts and it was only me that thought she was being sarcastic but he now sees it.  I am the one that makes sure her son phones her and I am the one that invites her every fucken fortnight on a Sunday for dinner and I am the one that makes sure she has some of the leftovers to take back with her.  I am the one that says hey lets take you to your others sons in February (he lives like 8 hours drive away) not her fucken son.   I have to get this off my chest.

When I lost all my weight (if you read back on here) I was writing all this down and getting it out of my head instead of keeping it in and I lost the weight and because I was focussing and not just thinking oh it will be ok..... I lost the weight so I am going to try this again and keep it up and write about it.

Been trying to find bloggers about weight loss and people don't blog anymore..... it is sad as it was a great support when I was losing weight.  Why?  Why don't people blog anymore is it because there are some nasty commenters out there or because people don't care anymore?

hmmm

Anyway see ya until next time

CM

Out of the bubble

Lowest Weight: 118.9 kgs
Highest Weight: 169.9kgs
Current Weight: 155.6 kgs
Total loss: 14.3kgs (342.3lbs)

In 2005 11 January I started my weight loss journey and I did well.  I had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband.  Now they are grown up boys and still with my wonderful husband but I have gained all the weight back.

People said this would happen and that it is a life time journey and I thought yeah I wouldn't gain it back again how silly would I be.

Well yes I was silly.  I got down to 118kgs and now I am a whopping 155.6 kgs today but 2 years ago I got to 169 kgs and I did get down 16.4 kgs (152.6) with the help of a hospital weight loss program which was teaching me how to think about what is going in my mouth and about soooo many other things but then it became a competition with others in my group (me to myself) and they were losing way more and in the time I lost 13kgs one guy lost 50kgs (but he took one year off work so he could work on himself and he did well) but it fucked with my brain and I lost the plot and just didn't get any further.

Now that I am reflecting on this I think it is because I was doing this by myself.  My husband was supportive but I was on a diet and I had to eat well and I had to get the exercise done.  I need someone to do this with me.  I have always been that sort of person.  

When I first started this blog the people kept me motivated and I hope that I kept them motivated too and found some wonderful people on line.  

In 2008 I just screwed up lots in my life as I spiralled in to a massive depression about my mum and then couldn't focus on anything but her and her diagnosis of diabetes (which isn't life threatening) but I found my brain was telling me otherwise.  I was doing stupid things and then finally hubby took me to the doctor and found I had major anxiety and depression so put me on these wonderful drugs and it took a while but finally feeling like me but then I had gained the weight back.  

Mum got dementia also so for at least 10 years we battled with that with her living with us and it got to the stage that hubby and I were living 80 year olds life as we were taking care of someone that thought she was still normal and we were being hard on her and she ran away quite a lot and usually it was like only when we went to the bathroom and then she was gone and we had to find her.  There goes the anxiety and it skyrocketed again to make me feel insecure and worried constantly that she was going to take off and we would either never find her or find her floating down the river as she slipped or something like that.

Mum got pneumonia and we put her in hospital and while there got covid (we had kept that damn bug away for 2 years) and she gets it in hospital, she had mild problem with her heart, and the doctors said that she needs to go in to a dementia home as she needed more care.  The Doctors and counsellors were so wonderful as it was never going to happen if they didn't help us because mum never did a power of attorney we couldn't put her anywhere with her saying yes and she didn't want to.  I can understand that but we just couldn't help anymore as she was barely able to keep herself and I have osteoarthritis in my knees that I am taking codeine just for the pain so lifting and helping her was getting so hard. 

It was the worst thing but the best thing that mum was put in a dementia home where they could help.  We visited but she just kept crying and saying she wanted to go home and then some days didn't even know who I was.  I just couldn't stop crying for weeks as I felt like the worst daughter in the world. But when you are the only child and no other family then a husband we just didn't have the support and I am 50 years old and have not lived much of a life apart from Dad with cancer and mum with Dementia that I had to think of myself and my husband.

Reflecting on the past 16 years and my life I need to now take the reigns and get my life back on track with my husband and live it REALLY LIVE IT.  With not being able to walk far with these knees it is hard but I have to find a way.  I relied on walking and the gym and running to get me through the first 42 kgs loss but I can't rely on that anymore I have to work out a different way and also with going through menopause it makes it even harder so I need to move this CHUBBYMUM to a better health.

I want to make friends along the way and lets get this weight off.  I have even thought about weight loss surgery but when it says a chance of death... well I can't do that my anxiety takes over and says NO.

If you have read through this and still want to read more each day or week then I welcome your friendship or thoughts (but good ones please or at least helpful not hurtful) 

 

Feeling better today

What great choices did I make today?
Went for a walk at lunch time instead of just sitting at my desk and eating my lunch and then getting back to work.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Not sure really.  Just work and not really wanting to be there lately.  Love the work I do but feeling angry about the last month at work

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish that I had gone for a walk at night to get my steps up better than they were.  Hard getting steps when I sit as a job all day

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
5500 steps today NOT ENOUGH

What was my artistic outlet today?
OMG I didn't get an artistic outlet today as it was all about catching up at work as I had been away Friday to Monday and no one does my work when I am away

How did my tracking go today? 
Kept within my WW points today

Breakfast
2 Wholemeal bread
Scrambled Egg
Shaved ham

Lunch
Leftover Lasagne (with veges) that J made last night

Dinner
Steak
Mashed Potato
Peas

Snack
Coffee

What have I planned for this week or looked in to in regards to going away?
J and I have decided that we are planning for a trip next June but there are a couple of choices and we can't make up our minds

Rarotonga, Canada, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Barcelona OMG too many choices and what one to do first.  We want to travel now our boys are getting older.

My mind has changed a little and I am getting back in to tracking and back in to trying hard not to eat badly.  Starting off slowly and I know some things aren't right but I am slowly looking at the pointing and then we are going to refine things.  I am tracking once again on the Weight Watcher app and feeling like I can have anything I want as long as I track 

Thanks Jaxx and Tracy for commenting.  I needed that and I am glad you have taken the time to read and comment. 

I'm finding it hard to find weight loss blogs to read at the moment.  People seem to be doing it on Facebook and I hate Facebook for this outlet.

Getting there

What great choices did I make today?
I went for a walk tonight when I was so tired from lack of full sleep because of taking Q up to Auckland airport for 3 am check in.  It was a great one because we didn't take our dog this time.  It takes longer with him and he sniffs everything I MEAN EVERYTHING along the way.  He did have a walk with C today so it wasn't like he hadn't been out.  I find having a dog has been harder for me for exercise.  We stop so much my calves get sore and I hate the walk.  I love our dog though.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Having a day at work where I don't have any training or auditing woohoooooo.  Was supposed to have annual leave but J and I are saving to go to Rarotonga next June to celebrate 30 years together.  I need to lose this weight for that and be able to feel fantastic on the beach (well I know I won't be skinny but I can feel better)

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish I had had more time with Q before he boarded the plan and not let the team go so quickly.  They waited for an hour inside OMG!!! 

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
7011 so far today and it is only 7.23pm.  Walk tonight was bloody freezing but it was fantastic for J and I to get out and have some time talking

What was my artistic outlet today?
Nothing today as it was busy with taking my youngest to the airport and also recovering from the car trip and lack of sleep.

Miserable B&*&)ch

What great choices did I make today?
Wanted to be positive but I wasn't.  I sucked at being positive today because my baby (16 year old) was going to California tomorrow and I wasn't dealing with it properly.  I felt like a little 2 year old and I acted like one too.  I miss him so much when he is gone for a weekend let alone 2 weeks.  We get on so well and I sucked at being the grown up today

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
NOTHING!!!!! he is going tomorrow.  Wow I started this journey off well didn't I?  But then again at least I am writing in here.

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
Burnt his passport so he couldn't go (you know I didn't mean what I just wrote but I thought it lol)

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
Hardly any as I was wallowing in self pity.

What was my artistic outlet today?
Being an out right cry baby

How did my tracking go today? 
Ok that I did

Breakfast
1 Bread
Scrambled Eggs

Lunch
1 Bread roll
Left over lamb
V energy drink (I know not good choice)

Dinner
Chicken casserole with carrots (Friend in Auckland made it)
Bread Roll

NO SLEEP WHAT SO EVER AS WE HAD TO BE AT THE AIRPORT BY 3AM

Could have done so much better in so many ways and I see it now but not at the time.

Tomorrow will show you photos and you will see that I didn't look happy either.  Miserable B*&(&ch I was.

What great choices do I make.

I can't seem to keep my mind on blogging or on weight loss so hubby and I have been going for walks every night and today we decided on a couple of things I need to blog about every day

What great choices did I make today?
Great choice in getting our walk over and done with today.
My Samsung health said:

• 9.50am this morning for 25 minutes for 3km's.
• 1 minute maximum
• 29 minutes Vigorous
• 5 minutes Moderate
• Average heart rate 130 bpm
• Maximum Heart rate 157 bpm
• 13 Degrees today.  Rather warm for a winters day

Pretty pleased with that.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Keeping my steps up and spending time with my family

What extra thing do I wish I had done today?
I wish that I hadn't had the buttered tart that hubby made but then I did enjoy it immensely even though it wasn't good for me.

How many steps did I walk today or what exercise?
6174 steps today.
Working every day I can't manage to get enough steps in as I have a sitting job so I am aiming for 6000 steps a day.  Not that today was a working day but I did do a lot of things around the house today with labeling for sons travel to California and make stickers for their helmets and sticks for the team.  They are representing NZ in California for 2 weeks in Inline Hockey.

What was my artistic outlet today?
I am not sure if was artistic but made stickers on my cricut to go on son's stick and helmet

How did my tracking go today? 
Tracking went over points.  I have 37 a day but had 47 arghhh but I tracked and that is the main point isn't it.  I need to be aware of what I am eating and change my habits.  Tracking and exercise are my things I can control.

Breakfast

• Coffee
• Scrambled Eggs
• 1 White sandwich bread slice
• Margarine

Lunch

• Pulled Beef
• 2 rolls
• Margarine

Dinner

• Lamb Roast
• Potatoes
• Peas
• Carrots

Snack

• Buttered Tart
• Tea

I could have only had one roll at lunch and I could have chosen not to have the buttered tarts.  I need to look at my food differently and choose better choices

What have I planned for this week or looked in to in regards to going away?
Plan for this week is that my youngest (16 year old) is leaving for California on Monday to represent New Zealand in the Inline Hockey world games and he is excited but I am a little nervous as I hubby and I are not going with him.  I trust one of the lady parents going and her son is staying in the same room as my son so I am happy with that.  The weekend will be spent getting him ready.

We will have two weeks with no inline hockey what so ever OMG what ever shall we do.

I know what I am going to do is blog and track and go for walks.  I need to get back in to a routine so when he comes home I don't go back to my life being all about what he wants.

Saturday and Sunday

1 week tomorrow (Monday) until Quinn goes to California to represent New Zealand in the World Inline Hockey.  I am a bit scared but proud.  Scared because we are not going but proud because he has worked so hard for this.

Went for a walk each day this weekend. 

Jeremy and I are trying to walk every day and we have some beautiful walks in our town.

I just need to keep focus and track and do some form of exercise a day.  I am finding it hard to keep on track.  But I need to so do this. 

Even when we were out of town this week our country gave us some beautiful photos.  I think sometimes we forget to just be and enjoy the moments we have.  

I think my problem is... is that I don't know if I will lose the weight and keep it off.  I have lost the same amount of weight over and over again and I can't seem to enjoy the weight loss when it happens and so I need to enjoy the process and work out a way to keep this up for the rest of my life and that is what I am struggling with.  How to do this?

I know it isn't working more and more like I have over the last 10 years.  It is more time with my family and on me.  Work pays me for 40 hours but I do way more and they don't care about me and in the long run they get more out of me and I get nothing.  Need to take back my life.