Anxiety, Archery

Had a meltdown today with all the things I want to achieve and not having enough time and feeling like I am doing everything for everyone but myself.

Jeremy made me realise I can only do what I can do and that I need to make a list and try to achieve all that I want.  I can't seem to sit and do one thing without worrying about the fact that I need to do other things.  So my card classes suffered when I was doing weight loss and my weight loss suffered when I did my weight loss.  I couldn't seem to sit and do my crafts when I had even gone for a walk or done the gym because I felt guilty that I wasn't doing more exercise.  I know it is stupid but that is what I am like.  We are spending so much time taking Quinn to his inline hockey as he plays for the school team, the club, DJ's on Friday (for money) and referees and then the training as well as the games.  Corbin has his archery.  Mum goes to Bingo three nights a week so we have to take her and pick her up and then the 40 to 50 hours a week I work.   Where do I get the time... when there are dinners to make and chores to do and and and and.......

He is the most amazing husband ever and he listened to my rambling and my crying and feeling like I have to wait for the boys to be older before I do anything for me.  He said that I just need to be realistic and I need to plan.  OMG I have 40 things on my to do and they are big things not just make a card etc..... so I have made a plan for different things for the year and broken them down in little chunks to see if I can get it done.

Once that was sorted in my head (we went to the park and walked the dog while talking about this so we could work on solutions).

That afternoon we took Corbin to Archery Direct to have a go in the lanes as you can hire them for an hour at a time.  Corbin was having a ball of time.  He isn't really good at showing it though as he is very much an introvert but I think he had fun.  He brought himself a case for his bow he got for his birthday in August and a case that goes on his waste for the arrows out of the money he got for his Christmas present from his uncle and aunt.

I got back in to doing some digital scrapbooking last night too.  I love doing my digital scrapbooking but got out of it because I was being too much of a perfectionist instead of thinking that I need to get the story down.  The whole point is to tell the story for us and our children for the future... I seem to forget that sometimes.

Yes.... I am a nutter..... I have major anxiety issues which have been getting worse and worse over the last 8 years.  I am learning to combat them and I have been reading some blogs where bigger people as they loose their weight feel less and less anxiety as they get smaller... so let's do it...let's get this bloody weight off lol.

Coramandel drive

Got up so early this morning to drive Quinn up to his Grandparents (well up to the camping ground they are managing for the next month in summer)  It takes 4 hours from our place to get to Otautu Bay in the Coromandel

Charlie and I in the front passenger seat.  

Nosy dog hates it in the back of the car.  Spoilt brat.  He got up and down and up and down on the seat so many times I wanted to strangle him lol.

Driving up to Coromandel

Beautiful isn't it.  

  Top of the hills 

Quinn and I on the beach.  My hair is all over the place. 

 I look soooo fat and squinting GEESH!! 

Grrrr hate photos and hate it more when your youngest son 

is taller than you at 14 years old.

When we got to Jeremy's Dads we all went for a walk along the beach.

 Jeremy (hubby) and step mother on the beach.  She hates photos as well but at least she can wear shorts and not feel bad in them lol.  Great person.  Love how relaxed she is.  Love spending time with her.

Jeremy's Dad pointing out the tourist spots and just so proud to show us around the Bay,

Pohutukawa Tree was just beautiful I had to take a photo.

I cannot say food was wonderful today to be honest.  Not happy with myself on that.  Back to it tomorrow.

I did do a lot of walking and lots of sitting.  I have done so far 7,603 steps so far so I have managed to get my 6,000 steps at least today.  I did more.  

Have a great night everyone.  Hopefully your day was better?

CM

Another post

Another day full on but not sure what we did.

I managed to track my food and I am under my daily points yay.  I had a lot of food and by dinner felt really full and still stayed under points.

Loving my new computer.  I pointed on the screen to my husband and forgot that it was a touch screen arghhhh need to get used to that.

I read the following post from Kathy was a great post that I wanted to put on here.  I totally get it because all my life I have felt like this but it is just getting worse and worse as I get older and the fear of losing my mum and my job and I am always anxious about everything.  Work tells me how great I am and I have been promoted and promoted in the last 8 years and I still don't believe that I am good enough.    I just don't know how to change how I react.  I love the way she articulated this post.  Well done Kathy.

Spent the day looking at carpets, curtains and lounge suites as we are updated our lounge.  I have had the same for 14 years now when we built our house and I need to update it now.

We figured we will get the carpet in first and then look at the rest after.  It is exciting as we can change the whole look of the room and it is a room we spend a lot of time in and so do guests.  I have a lot of autumn colours at present with reds, golds, beige and accessories are black.  Hmmmm writing that doesn't sound good but it does look good and friends that came over tonight don't know why we are changing but we need a change.  I want to go to a black leather lounge suite with neutral cream carpet, and the accessories to be orange and teal.  Hmmmm I know it sound weird but I have seen what I sort of like.

I want to put some photos on here but have none on my computer and still trying to get used to it.

Got back and took Charlie for a walk and I was sweating like a pig with the heat but felt so much better for it.

My aim for a couple of months is to reach 6,000 steps a day because in my job I just don't make it every day.  So any exercise is good exercise so I will give it what I can to make this work.

I feel like I am back on track with blogging and with tracking and this year is going to be great.

Hope you all are doing great as well?

Love CM

Brought a new toy today

Got up late today as we are on holiday until the 11th.  SUCH FUN

I had a problem with my computer and it crashed so I couldn't do anything on it and Jeremy said let's go and look at a new one for me.  Corbin has had two computers since I got mine and so yayyy it was my turn.

We went to Harvey Norman to look at some as they had a 5 year no interest deal on.  There were so many computers and so many prices that I didn't know what to choose.  Jeremy (being a computer consultant) told me the choices but I didn't want a new computer that was the same as my computer I had now.  I wanted a laptop with the side number pad but also a touch screen as what is the point of getting a new one without the bells and whistles.

Arghhh so so so many different computers and they all look the same.  So I said I would come back as it was just too much.  I mean did I need to spend that much money on a computer really?  Should I just get mine fixed bla bla bla.  I needed to get out and Jeremy said let's go to another shop and see what they can offer.

One of Corbin's friends is working there in the holidays and managed to get us a deal.  Now I didn't tell him that they were already cheaper by $480 and he got another $200 off it and asked what we thought that deal was like... I said I will take it lol.... so funny as he thought we were joking and also he gets commission so he was in heaven but he sooo didn't realise that I was also. I mean $680 off the price arghhhh.

So I have a touch screen laptop with big screen and light as and the keys light up when using them but go dark when not using them... and the keys don't stick woohooooo.

Teenagers were sooo jealous.  We also brought a laptop for Quinn as he hasn't had one in 3 years as he ruined his one grrrr and I refused to buy him one so he has been using ours for things.  I said I would pay for it but he would pay us back for half.  He is DJ'ing so gets money so it will take a while but that is ok.  Have to teach him the value of money.

I have been good with tracking my food and a comment tonight at a friends place (as we went out for dinner) was you are being good.  I was..... there was chips, dips, nuts sitting in front of me grrrr and I was so tempted but didn't.  I had dessert but asked for a small plate and I got a small plate it was good for me.  I am learning.  Even lunch was subway as I wanted to choose wisely.

I hope you are all doing well.  Tracy are you going to be blogging?  Ally.... can you email me at chubbymum @yahoo . co . nz?

Hope you all had a great day.

I did.

Steps sucked today 5840 only and I did get out for a 20 minute walk with the dog.  That is ok.  I feel great anyway.

2016 is the year for me!!!!

Wanting to post every day.

Today was chill out today with exercise as I have been walking or going to the gym or swimming every day for the last week.

Food has been sucky because of Christmas and new year's and I did have a huge melt down on the 30th December because I had once again gained but I have to realise that this time of the year is the hardest time of the year to lose weight.

So Saturday's are my weigh in day's and I have a A5 size journal I am taking around with me every day to write in my goals which I have made for the next year and then I have broken them down in to 3 monthly goals and then monthly goals and then down in to weekly goals.  It started on Saturday and I am going to try my hardest to keep to them.

Tidied my craft room today with Quinn as it was doing my head in and I wasn't getting in there to make cards or to do my project life or make signs to sell.  It was a great clean out and I managed to make one card before dinner was ready.

Raining outside today so today was an exercise free day.  I quite like having Sunday's free to relax so might be the day off each week from now on as I need to focus on my food more but still work on the exercise.

Jeremy and I are getting up every week day morning at 6am to go for our walk with Charlie our dog (below).  This little mungral is hard to walk with as he stops to sniff or pee all the time.  Walking used to be good before Charlie.  But I love him anyway.  Since we have had him I walk less as it is just a pain lol.  But we are going to rectify that.

So on the 2nd January 2016 

I weighed in at 145.6 kgs 

UG!!!! 
by December 2016 I want to be 119 kilos or less.  

So that is just over 500 grams a week.  

If I lose more then fair enough but if not that is my aim.

• I want to wear my skinnier clothes in my wardrobe.  
• I want to feel happy again
• I want to feel energetic again
• I want to fit in to the plane seat when we go to San Francisco in November 2017.
• I want to have my confidence back at work again and not feel like a blimp all the time
• I want to be taken seriously for promotion and not a lazy fat woman
• I want to run on the treadmill
• I want to stop pulling my shirt down so my tummy doesn't show.
• I want to wear short sleeves
• I want to get back in to my light blue jeans
• I want to wear my jean shorts again and not just stand in them but sit and be comfortable.
• I want to do the 5km Huntly walk on the 20th March 2015 and not chicken out because of being aware I am big
• I want people to actually notice I have lost weight.
• I want to stick to it this time
• I want to go to my BIL and SIL's place and not feel fat and ugly because of how natural she looks.
• I want to tie my own shoes and put socks on without struggling

Roll on next Saturday when I will be weighing 145.1 kg's at least.

Thoughts

I need to work out how to get back to me. Back to when I was blogging with Chubbymum at the start. Been talking to J and he said it was when I was blogging and letting it out and also chatting to others and reading weight loss blogs that I lost the weight.

I know how hard it was last time and that is what is stopping me.  I did so much to lose the weight but I need to learn how to make it a life style change and not just to get to the stage where I felt great but then thought I could relax and it would be fine.

It wasn't fine.

Why is food so important?  I know that it isn't that important other than for energy but I feel that I am being deprived if I don't have what I want when I want.

Yesterday (boxing day) J and I got up early and went for a 50 minute walk at 9am OMG it was stinking hot then imagine what summer is going to be like.  I was puffing and sticky and hot and felt horrible but it felt good to do it.  I did 10,075 steps yesterday and I know normally I can't even get to the 5,000 steps.  My aim is for 6,000 each day but if I do more then that is a bonus.

I have 2 weeks off and in those 2 weeks I want to feel better.  See the problem with me is when it is hot I give up.  It is too hot and I am uncomfortable and I chaff that I give up.  I have got a treadmill and I have got DVD's that I can do so I need to do that.

With J making his own alcohol at home now I think we have had too much of that too and it isn't good.  A glass of honey bourbon every night not good at all.  So going to cut that out.

When I was losing weight I stopped doing my crafts because for some reason I can't seem to concentrate on one thing at a time.  I feel guilty being in my craft room as I should be doing more exercise and reading about weight loss and so I need to work out how (In my head) I can let myself do the craft as long as I have done some exercise.  But if I haven't reached the 10,000 steps then I can't seem to let myself relax to do crafts.

For people my size they will understand that 10,000 steps and you are buggered for the rest of the day WEEK lol.

If you have lost a lot of weight and have kept it off... please please comment on my blog and give me some pointers.

Afraid

I have sat here a couple of times wanting to write in my blog but not knowing what to say.

It used to be so easy to write here and life was great.

J and I had a bath after work tonight (now now get your mind out of the gutter) and I broke down as I am so depressed about my weight.

What happened to me?  I put it down to work work and my work but really it is me.

So starting tonight I am tracking (well I tracked my day today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was) and I am going to pre-track for the next day so I know what I am preparing so that I don't just eat off the hop.

I want my mind to flip and switch in to the losing weight mode.

I don't have the motivation and I don't know how to get it back.

I am doing 50 to 60 hours a week at work and I know that I need to stop that and get on with my life but when you get to 45 years old the fear of losing my job and not being able to find one scares the living crap out of me.

I realized tonight I don't know how to lose weight.  I know I lost that weight but I don't actually know how I did it.  I mean really how did I do it? I don't get what my head was thinking.  I know my blog helped me a lot and I stopped doing that too.

I am afraid of everything..
I am afraid to die,
I am afraid to lose my job.
I am afraid of losing my mum as I went through hell when I lost my dad.
I AM SOOO AFRAID of losing my best friend and soul mate my hubby.
I am scared that I haven't done enough to make sure my boys will be successful in life.
I am afraid of what people think.
I am afraid of people not liking me.
I am afraid to succeed.
I am afraid I will never lose the weight because I don't know what it is like to be skinny.

AFRAID of everything.

I can't work out if I go for the goal of thinking of 5 kgs lots or think about the whole picture.  The problem is that before when I lost the weight I wanted to get to 119.9 and I got there and then I couldn't get my head in the right space to get lower and then with everyone else I gained and gained because I got to where I thought I wanted.

I know what you will say is that I need to be changing my lifestyle and so I won't gain because it will be a lifestyle change.  Well I thought I had done that too but he has crept back.

Not sure what else to say.

Good night
CM