Stickability

Sticking to it is the hard thing.

I find that I have all this energy when I start to think about losing weight that I get excited and read about weight loss and I feel energised and want to keep it going and then when life takes over then I lose the plot.

I have everything I want or need in this world.  I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful boys (men) and a daughter in law to be and also my son has a lovely partner.  We have great jobs that don't pay terribly but we always want more.  We have an amazing home (too big for us now that mum has gone in to care and oldest son brought a house with his fiancée).  Two amazing little pooches (Boston and Milo) great dogs.

But I still feel like something is missing and I feel like it is me not enjoying my life to the fullest.  I am 54 with osteoarthritis in both my knees and I am 155.6 kgs and since I have been working from home as a Manager I have gotten lazy. I sit all day on the computer on Teams with my staff and then after work I watch tv or do art and probably get about 800 to 1500 steps in for the whole day.  It is because of the fear of pain.

I can't go on a diet I have to change my lifestyle and change my portions.  I have to find workouts to do that won't affect my knees.  

Realistically I know that I won't ever be skinny it won't happen but I can get down to 119kgs and feel better about myself.

Brother in law is still here for another day.  It is great to see him and in so many ways he acts like my hubby.  When I met hubby 35 years ago no way did I think they looked like each other or acted like each other but as they have gotten older man there are similarities.  They are both good men and treat people with respect and are loved in return.  

I really don't know how they do that with having their mum as a mother she seems to have some sort of "Sheldon" from Big bang theory attitude towards things.  She doesn't like me and says things to me when no one around to make me feel so small and knows that others won't see or hear her or maybe they just don't get it like I do.  I was sitting in the lounge one night when she came for dinner and was just about to get up (hubby does the cooking as he likes it but I do other things around the house instead and it works for us and has for 35 years) anyway she says "do you want us to serve you in here" I wanted to slap her for that comment it wasn't necessary and I have always treated her with respect.  My youngest son sees her for what she is and told me one day... thought I was nuts and it was only me that thought she was being sarcastic but he now sees it.  I am the one that makes sure her son phones her and I am the one that invites her every fucken fortnight on a Sunday for dinner and I am the one that makes sure she has some of the leftovers to take back with her.  I am the one that says hey lets take you to your others sons in February (he lives like 8 hours drive away) not her fucken son.   I have to get this off my chest.

When I lost all my weight (if you read back on here) I was writing all this down and getting it out of my head instead of keeping it in and I lost the weight and because I was focussing and not just thinking oh it will be ok..... I lost the weight so I am going to try this again and keep it up and write about it.

Been trying to find bloggers about weight loss and people don't blog anymore..... it is sad as it was a great support when I was losing weight.  Why?  Why don't people blog anymore is it because there are some nasty commenters out there or because people don't care anymore?

hmmm

Anyway see ya until next time

CM

Out of the bubble

Lowest Weight: 118.9 kgs
Highest Weight: 169.9kgs
Current Weight: 155.6 kgs
Total loss: 14.3kgs (342.3lbs)

In 2005 11 January I started my weight loss journey and I did well.  I had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband.  Now they are grown up boys and still with my wonderful husband but I have gained all the weight back.

People said this would happen and that it is a life time journey and I thought yeah I wouldn't gain it back again how silly would I be.

Well yes I was silly.  I got down to 118kgs and now I am a whopping 155.6 kgs today but 2 years ago I got to 169 kgs and I did get down 16.4 kgs (152.6) with the help of a hospital weight loss program which was teaching me how to think about what is going in my mouth and about soooo many other things but then it became a competition with others in my group (me to myself) and they were losing way more and in the time I lost 13kgs one guy lost 50kgs (but he took one year off work so he could work on himself and he did well) but it fucked with my brain and I lost the plot and just didn't get any further.

Now that I am reflecting on this I think it is because I was doing this by myself.  My husband was supportive but I was on a diet and I had to eat well and I had to get the exercise done.  I need someone to do this with me.  I have always been that sort of person.  

When I first started this blog the people kept me motivated and I hope that I kept them motivated too and found some wonderful people on line.  

In 2008 I just screwed up lots in my life as I spiralled in to a massive depression about my mum and then couldn't focus on anything but her and her diagnosis of diabetes (which isn't life threatening) but I found my brain was telling me otherwise.  I was doing stupid things and then finally hubby took me to the doctor and found I had major anxiety and depression so put me on these wonderful drugs and it took a while but finally feeling like me but then I had gained the weight back.  

Mum got dementia also so for at least 10 years we battled with that with her living with us and it got to the stage that hubby and I were living 80 year olds life as we were taking care of someone that thought she was still normal and we were being hard on her and she ran away quite a lot and usually it was like only when we went to the bathroom and then she was gone and we had to find her.  There goes the anxiety and it skyrocketed again to make me feel insecure and worried constantly that she was going to take off and we would either never find her or find her floating down the river as she slipped or something like that.

Mum got pneumonia and we put her in hospital and while there got covid (we had kept that damn bug away for 2 years) and she gets it in hospital, she had mild problem with her heart, and the doctors said that she needs to go in to a dementia home as she needed more care.  The Doctors and counsellors were so wonderful as it was never going to happen if they didn't help us because mum never did a power of attorney we couldn't put her anywhere with her saying yes and she didn't want to.  I can understand that but we just couldn't help anymore as she was barely able to keep herself and I have osteoarthritis in my knees that I am taking codeine just for the pain so lifting and helping her was getting so hard. 

It was the worst thing but the best thing that mum was put in a dementia home where they could help.  We visited but she just kept crying and saying she wanted to go home and then some days didn't even know who I was.  I just couldn't stop crying for weeks as I felt like the worst daughter in the world. But when you are the only child and no other family then a husband we just didn't have the support and I am 50 years old and have not lived much of a life apart from Dad with cancer and mum with Dementia that I had to think of myself and my husband.

Reflecting on the past 16 years and my life I need to now take the reigns and get my life back on track with my husband and live it REALLY LIVE IT.  With not being able to walk far with these knees it is hard but I have to find a way.  I relied on walking and the gym and running to get me through the first 42 kgs loss but I can't rely on that anymore I have to work out a different way and also with going through menopause it makes it even harder so I need to move this CHUBBYMUM to a better health.

I want to make friends along the way and lets get this weight off.  I have even thought about weight loss surgery but when it says a chance of death... well I can't do that my anxiety takes over and says NO.

If you have read through this and still want to read more each day or week then I welcome your friendship or thoughts (but good ones please or at least helpful not hurtful)