Emotional Wreck before.... Determined Woman now!!

Ok so….

I went to my weigh in tonight and only gained 200 grams and this week I have been off tracking and off exercise and I reallllly sucked liked you wouldn’t believe with it all. So I am happy with that gain because I deserved it.

I have been really soul searching about why I have not been bothered. I think that it is because I have too many challenges on. I am not going to do that anymore. Thank you for your comments re this because you are right and I have been thinking that way but I think I didn’t want to admit it.

I am doing this for me! I am doing this so I can lose weight and I didn’t realise that until I tried to make it a challenge.

I am back on top now and I am going to do this. I have had so many compliments from the photos up in the gym in the last two weeks and in a way I have sabotaged my weight loss because of all that. Well that is what I am thinking anyway.

Maybe it is because sometimes I can’t handle the attention and I am not saying that I don’t like attention but it is something I have to get used to and with all the people at the gym coming in and saying wow what a change etc it felt sooo overwhelming… and please don’t take it the wrong way it was nice, but it made me feel like I had achieved what I could achieve and it was the end… and I know that is my mind and I have to change it… but it isn’t going to happen anymore! I am going to really go hard with the gym when I get back from holiday and I am going to track like buggery.

I have to go to the gym and really stick to my program. I was losing really well when I was sticking to it and for the last two weeks I have not and it has been all over the place.

I have been hating going because I haven’t been doing enough exercise and on Sunday I really did more than just a few minutes on this and a few minutes on that and it was good. I think that is why I only gained 200 grams because on Sunday (before doing my back out) I really tried….. I had stopped doing the rower and I had stopped at 10 minutes on the bike because I was doing it with Kris (not that doing the exercise with Kris is a problem that is not what I am trying to say) I think I have to stop doing only what others think is enough. I have to start doing what I think is enough and push myself harder like I have been pushing Kris… I have to start pushing Chubbymum does that makes sense?.

I know that 10 minutes is all that Kris likes doing but it isn’t enough for me. I have to do my cardio and I have to get back on track.. it is not helping me to do less cardio. I haven’t done the treadmill for 3 weeks now and I haven’t done my rower like I was doing either and I am not going to do that anymore. I want to lose weight and cardio is the way to go!

So on my first week back I am going to go back to my exercise plan and I am going to go hard out for 6 weeks.

If you are reading this Kris I hope you understand that it isn’t you… it is just for me I need to push me more now as I need to get back to it! I am sabotaging myself! And it isn’t going to happen anymore. I still want to go to the Gym with you and do the kick boxing classes and be there but I am going to push myself more and I am going on the bike longer than you usually go on them for and I am going on the treadmill ok…

At my Weight Watchers meeting tonight it was certainly an interesting one… I got there and I had so many people trying to talk to me at once and there was a new lady that started and came over and talked to me and asked me how I have lost the 20 kilos and was like really asking questions about exercise etc so it was nice for me to help someone else out.

Also my Weight Watchers leader came and said to me that she would like to talk to me after the meeting OUCH I thought I was in trouble he he he and after the meeting she said “we have been talking about you and we would still like you to be a weigher on call, like when people are away or sick and that when the meeting starts one of the other ladies would take over.” So I could still listen to the meeting but I could still be a weigher as well and I am happy with that. I don’t want to miss the meetings but would love to do the weighing as well… so it is working out that is for sure.

I have to do this ladies!!! I have to do this!!! I don’t want my mind to think Woohoo you have got to your 20 kilos and that is it! I don’t want that!!!

I am going on this holiday and I asked the members at the Weight Watchers to help me think of ways to stick to plan… and I have already said to them that I am taking my sneakers so that I can walk my big backside off all over the place and not going to let myself get caught in the trap of no exercise and more food. It isn’t going to happen like that. I have 58 kilos more to lose and I have to keep sight of that as it is a long way to go still and I am not wanting to go back to 153.7 kilos anymore NO NO NO

Ok I have rambled on tonight but I have been bottling this up for the last week or so and I think having this time to think is good. I have pissed around and that is it!! I have had my couple of piss around weeks and now it is time to get back to plan!

I can do this!!

I just have to believe in myself again.

(sigh) Chubbymum