Thoughts

I need to work out how to get back to me. Back to when I was blogging with Chubbymum at the start. Been talking to J and he said it was when I was blogging and letting it out and also chatting to others and reading weight loss blogs that I lost the weight.

I know how hard it was last time and that is what is stopping me.  I did so much to lose the weight but I need to learn how to make it a life style change and not just to get to the stage where I felt great but then thought I could relax and it would be fine.

It wasn't fine.

Why is food so important?  I know that it isn't that important other than for energy but I feel that I am being deprived if I don't have what I want when I want.

Yesterday (boxing day) J and I got up early and went for a 50 minute walk at 9am OMG it was stinking hot then imagine what summer is going to be like.  I was puffing and sticky and hot and felt horrible but it felt good to do it.  I did 10,075 steps yesterday and I know normally I can't even get to the 5,000 steps.  My aim is for 6,000 each day but if I do more then that is a bonus.

I have 2 weeks off and in those 2 weeks I want to feel better.  See the problem with me is when it is hot I give up.  It is too hot and I am uncomfortable and I chaff that I give up.  I have got a treadmill and I have got DVD's that I can do so I need to do that.

With J making his own alcohol at home now I think we have had too much of that too and it isn't good.  A glass of honey bourbon every night not good at all.  So going to cut that out.

When I was losing weight I stopped doing my crafts because for some reason I can't seem to concentrate on one thing at a time.  I feel guilty being in my craft room as I should be doing more exercise and reading about weight loss and so I need to work out how (In my head) I can let myself do the craft as long as I have done some exercise.  But if I haven't reached the 10,000 steps then I can't seem to let myself relax to do crafts.

For people my size they will understand that 10,000 steps and you are buggered for the rest of the day WEEK lol.

If you have lost a lot of weight and have kept it off... please please comment on my blog and give me some pointers.

Afraid

I have sat here a couple of times wanting to write in my blog but not knowing what to say.

It used to be so easy to write here and life was great.

J and I had a bath after work tonight (now now get your mind out of the gutter) and I broke down as I am so depressed about my weight.

What happened to me?  I put it down to work work and my work but really it is me.

So starting tonight I am tracking (well I tracked my day today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was) and I am going to pre-track for the next day so I know what I am preparing so that I don't just eat off the hop.

I want my mind to flip and switch in to the losing weight mode.

I don't have the motivation and I don't know how to get it back.

I am doing 50 to 60 hours a week at work and I know that I need to stop that and get on with my life but when you get to 45 years old the fear of losing my job and not being able to find one scares the living crap out of me.

I realized tonight I don't know how to lose weight.  I know I lost that weight but I don't actually know how I did it.  I mean really how did I do it? I don't get what my head was thinking.  I know my blog helped me a lot and I stopped doing that too.

I am afraid of everything..
I am afraid to die,
I am afraid to lose my job.
I am afraid of losing my mum as I went through hell when I lost my dad.
I AM SOOO AFRAID of losing my best friend and soul mate my hubby.
I am scared that I haven't done enough to make sure my boys will be successful in life.
I am afraid of what people think.
I am afraid of people not liking me.
I am afraid to succeed.
I am afraid I will never lose the weight because I don't know what it is like to be skinny.

AFRAID of everything.

I can't work out if I go for the goal of thinking of 5 kgs lots or think about the whole picture.  The problem is that before when I lost the weight I wanted to get to 119.9 and I got there and then I couldn't get my head in the right space to get lower and then with everyone else I gained and gained because I got to where I thought I wanted.

I know what you will say is that I need to be changing my lifestyle and so I won't gain because it will be a lifestyle change.  Well I thought I had done that too but he has crept back.

Not sure what else to say.

Good night
CM